Unsupportive Mom

[JJJPK]

Hello all! I'm new here, and I know there's probably already a thread out there for this same subject, but I'm too lazy to find it. Plus, I want direct answers, dang it! Any way, deep breath, here we go.

I'm sixteen, and I've been actively discerning religious life for almost four years now. I first felt calld to it in eight grade, when my family and I were watching a movie about Saint Francis and Clare. The radical love of God and renunciation of the world appealed to me deeply. However, having always been a rather(Rather? Who am I kidding? Make that Extremely!) introverted person, I didn't tell anyone. Another revelation came last fall when I was reading a book about Saint Benedict. That's when I began feeling called to the charism of Ora et Labora, and felt pretty certain I wanted to be a Benedictine. So, this spring I started doing the ol' Google convents move. I typed "Cloistered Benedictines in Missouri" into the search engine. The first result to come up were the Benedictines of Mary Queen of Apostles. I checked out their website and have never felt the need to research any other convents. I was scared, but I told my parents I was interested in religious life and there was a community I wanted to visit.

Now, to understand my trepidation, let me give you a little backstory here. I have six siblings. My two older brothers are in the seminary, and three of my older sisters are still living at home. None of my sisters are married and at the moment, it seems unlikely any of the will ever be. I know my mom is super lonely, despite the fact that the majority of her kids still live with her, because we all have school, or jobs and lives of our own. I also know, that my mom is absolutely dying for grandchildren. 

But to continue the story. I told my parents I wanted to visit...And they were actually totally finewith it. So, I visited the community in November. It was kind of sticker shock. For the first three days I had such severe homesickness that I was on the brink of tears the majority of the time. It felt so strange! I wondered if I'd be bored, I'd get to see my friends ever again, and all sorts of other crazy things. I came home and told my family that I didn't think it was for me, at least at the moment. My mom was really relieved I think, because my sisters told me she was crying the whole time for was gone. 

I tried to make peace with the fact that I no longer felt called to religious life, but I couldn't. It buzzed in my head constantly. I felt empty and sad. The idea of going to college and getting a career seemed so empty and meaningless. I cried and begged God not to send me away and to let me be as close to him as I could, by joining  a convent. The more I prayed the more I wanted to be a nun. There were nights I would just sit in my bed, sobbing, clutching my crucifix. Finally, it dawned on me that God hadn't really sent me away at all, I had just been in shock after my first visit ( which was also my first real time away from home, by myself). I felt such joy and peace. I contacted the sisters and set up another visit for May.

In other family news, all three of my sisters just decided to move out of the house, to an apartment in the city. My mom flipped out. She is 60 and she thinks she's already old and decrepit and that she needs someone to take care of her. Which I think is hogwash. I think the main thing is that she's going to be super lonely. But I think it's good, and healthy for my sisters to move. But as I said, she's been being really mean to them. For example, she went to see their apartment on Sunday and said absolutely nothing positive about it. 

And now we come to the current crux of the matter. I told her a few days ago that I set up another visit with the nuns. She seemed to be kind of upset but didn't blow up until today. She was asking me about what I want to do for college and I said that I might go to the community college (where I take some classes) full time next year. I'm a junior, but I'm homeschooled so I'm kind of ahead and this could be my last year. My real dream is to enter the convent this summer or fall. She kind of knows that. On the car ride home from church today, she was getting really mad at me. Saying things like " I don't really even want to help you apply to college because you may end up in a convent. My heart really isn't in it and I don't want to waste my time. But I don't think you're competent to apply by yourself. I don't know if you should do either thing (convent or college) next year. And you know, when you're seventeen you're not even an adult and Dad and I have every right to refuse to let you go. Are you just trying to leave because all your sisters are leaving and you don't want to be the only one at home? Because if you are that's no reason to join a convent. And your spiritual director said you should finish high school." Which is actually untrue. My spiritual director told me that I should finish high school, but he knew that it would possibly be spring 2017. He told me that was fine, I could join the convent if I wanted, and I had nothing to loose. 

So, there you have it. Sometimes I just feel such an utter lack of respect for my Mom, and it's awful! I know I need to be obedient and respectful, but she can be so unreasonable at times! I've even had good priest friends tell me that her negativity and tyrants are "not normal." And I love my mom, but I feel like our relationship gets more and more fractured every day that goes by. Another worry, is that if she refused to let me join, the order will be full by the time I'm eighteen. There are currently about twenty-one sisters, and there's a rumor going around that the order is going to cap at forty. And they are growing FAST! So I'm obviously a little worried on that front as well. 

Phew! What a monster of a post! If you read the entire thing, congrats! I'd not, I can't say that I blame you, I wouldn't have! I mainly request prayers, but of course advice is helpful too .

Oh by the way, if there are typos, I'm so sorry. This was written on my phone.

Na Razor!

JJJPK

 

 

 

[vyvy07]

Hi!

I guess I don't know entirely what to tell you. I'm seventeen, and I'll be graduating in a few months. At first, I would have never considered entering the convent immediately after high school, but now I am in the application process. It's surprising where God points us to go!

I'm an only child, and even though my parents are very supportive, there are moments where they tell me I should wait or go to the community college for a year or two first. I think that it must just be the initial shock, so maybe slowly talk about it to your mother. 

I do think that if you feel called to it, then don't delay. You mentioned your thoughts while visiting...did you feel peace or a sense of it being home? I think that you should discern that before anything else. A priest I know told me before I visited a community, "you'll know exactly whether that's the place God is calling you to be or not. There isn't a lot of space in-between." How accurate that is...I'm not entirely sure, but for me I immediately felt at home and with peace when I visited the community. Also, I think that another visit would be really good!

I will be praying for you!!! 

[Spem in alium]

Hi there, and welcome!

My parents have been very supportive of me during my journey, but I know my mother in particular has struggled (I'm the eldest and we are quite close). Before I entered she would ask me what I was going to do with my university degree, and she got very excited recently when she found out that a possible outcome of applying to begin my next stage of formation is that I could be asked to leave. 

Your mum may seem like she's being cruel and unreasonable, but remember that she is coming from a place of loss. How did she respond to your brothers entering seminary? She may feel like she will lose you forever. She may not have an entirely accurate understanding of consecrated life (my mother didn't) and this may be making her confused and scared. 

What really helped me reassure my parents was to involve them in my discernment. I was open with them about how I was feeling. I encouraged them to meet my sisters and come and see the convent. Most importantly, I tried to show them how happy I am. This is probably your mother's biggest fear - that you won't be happy.

You will discern best, in my view, by visiting the sisters and spending time with them. Try to involve your mum in that if possible - talk to her about your travel plans, if there's anything you need to buy ask her to shop with you.

A very good thing to do first, I think,  is to ask her how she is feeling. Let her express what's on her heart, even if it's hard to bear. Once that's done you'll be able to help her better. Maybe it's also good to speak with her about your reasons for discerning. This really helped me with my mum.

Just remember that your mother is most likely not intentionally unsupportive. Chances are that she doesn't understand it, has a bad experience or impression of sisters, and is coming from feelings of grief. Treat her gently. Treat yourself gently too. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more about individual experiences.

 

[Maggyie]

Don't worry, it's highly unlikely the order will double in size before you can join. Most of the people who start out in religious life don't continue and it will take many, many years for that many Sisters to persevere. I have to admit, if you're homeschooled I suggest going to community college for at least a year. Although some people are very mature in a homeschool context, I find especially for girls in traditional families, it's often not the case. Your sisters are belatedly trying to establish independence for themselves which further suggests that's a dynamic that is at play. Don't be afraid to wait, it will make it more likely that you continue to final profession. 

[I<3BVM]

Based on the experiences I've had with my own mom, who took the news of my vocational discernment extremely poorly, I can really sympathize with your situation.  I guess in a nutshell I would say, "Pray, do the best you can, and accept that you will make mistakes."  We love our moms very much.  We don't want them to be lonely.  But we also want to follow God's call, and that is primary.  In "A Right to be Merry," Sr. Mary Francis (a Poor Clare nun) wrote, "Children belong to God first, and then to their parents."  It's true.  And yet it's also important to treat our parents with the greatest possible charity.  It's not easy for any parent to "lose" a child to the cloister.  There is a beautiful quote I once read by St. Therese's father (a saint himself!), written when she was leaving to enter Carmel, about how much pain he was experiencing, even though he was also filled with great joy.  (If anyone knows where to find it, please post!)

It's possible your mom may have deeper issues, as I suspect mine does, which make the situation even worse than "normal."  Try to show her unconditional love, even if she's too blinded by her pain to see it and accuses you of cruelty, disrespect, ulterior motives, etc.  Also keep in mind that, given the stress of the situation, there will be deficiencies on both sides... One important lesson I've learned is that, while I do the best I can to follow God's will, that doesn't mean people will think well of me or that I'll handle everything perfectly.  I've done my best, but no, it hasn't been perfect.  There are situations where I could have been more charitable, more patient, etc.  It's been a humbling experience.  Keep praying for the grace to bear it all with great love!  One thing my spiritual director told me which has been helpful was basically, "One sign of a religious vocation is your willingness to suffer because of it."

As for your path forward, of course, your spiritual director is the one whose advice will be most reliable, but I second Maggyie in suggesting taking at least a year for college.  With God's grace, it certainly could work out for you to join a religious community immediately after high school, but the experience of your first visit suggests a bit more time and a bit more experience "in the world" could be really helpful.  It will undoubtedly be a time of great personal growth.  Living on or near campus, if possible, would be something to consider.

Finally, I believe it's important not to let yourself be rushed in your discernment, even by your own eagerness to be "at home" (a struggle I am fighting myself!).  Feel free to visit several communities (one novice director suggested to me that 3-5 is appropriate), and when you find one where things seem most to "click," take the opportunity for a couple of visits, even a live-in experience if permitted.

Best wishes, and know that you'll be in my prayers!

[OnlySunshine]

3 hours ago, Maggyie said:

Don't worry, it's highly unlikely the order will double in size before you can join. Most of the people who start out in religious life don't continue and it will take many, many years for that many Sisters to persevere. I have to admit, if you're homeschooled I suggest going to community college for at least a year. Although some people are very mature in a homeschool context, I find especially for girls in traditional families, it's often not the case. Your sisters are belatedly trying to establish independence for themselves which further suggests that's a dynamic that is at play. Don't be afraid to wait, it will make it more likely that you continue to final profession. 

I couldn't agree more.  I've known several Sisters who entered right after high school who did not finish formation and realized they were not called to final profession.  Almost all of them are married now.  Please don't think you have to enter right away because the order may double in size in less than a year.  I doubt that would happen.  What's best for you is to take at least a year or two furthering your education - even if it's community college.  Most religious orders request that - at least 2 years post-education work or college.  It helps young women mature and know what all their options are without feeling "rushed."  Back in the early centuries, in days of St. Clare, women were forced to grow up a lot quicker because they were married at an early age.  That's not the case any more.  The order will still be there and you will still feel called if that's what God wills.

Also, be patient with your mother.  Chances are she is experiencing "empty nest syndrome" - especially with all your older sisters and brothers leaving the home and leading separate lives.  I don't think it's because she doesn't want to support you - she probably does not understand that she can still see you on occasion and you will be able to communicate still even though there are some changes after religious life begins.  Enjoy the time you have with her - if you do enter religious life, you will miss your family - especially at the beginning!  My friend was HOMESICK for months and finally settled in.  Her mother was, in so many words, like yours is now - very scared and confused.  Add to that that my friend's dad has a progressive disease that causes dementia and it's very rough for the whole family.  Listen to your mother's worries - she cared for you throughout your life and only wants the best for you. 

[LittleDiana]

I wholeheartedly agree with I<3BVM and OnlySunshine.

I wanted to join a congregation when I was 16/17. (At that age 2 years look like ages! But they pass faster than we could have expected, I assure you.) For different reasons it didn't work and I applied for college. It helped me mature and get to know myself better, my real strengths and weaknesses. It helped me realise that that community wasn't the place for me, and that if I had tried, I wouldn't have been able to cope with the rule, which was very strict.

The time spent in college isn't wasted. The things you learn may reveal themselves to be useful skills later in the convent; and if you discern out, you'll have a backup that can eventually help you to find a good job.

Keep developing your relationship with God, and take advantage of the time you are given to grow in charity!

[Spem in alium]

Adding something about early entrance.. 

I entered my congregation at the age of 24, which is "old" if you consider that most of my sisters were teenagers when they entered. I wouldn't do it any differently, however. I entered having finished the study I wanted to do, with some maturity and life experience, and with a far better relationship with God than I had when I was 18. God's call comes at just the right time, even if it may not seem like the right time for us. It may be when you're 18, or when you're 30, and that's okay. Most importantly we need to pray that we follow God's will as closely as we can for as long as we can.

[OnlySunshine]

One thing I forgot to add - even though you've felt called to religious life since you were 12, you've just started formally discerning in the past year and only visited 1 community.  There are so many different communities out there - including a vast array of Benedictines.  It would be a shame to limit yourself to just one at this stage in your discernment.  Take your time and seek out the different orders - you might surprise yourself and find out that the first community you visited is not the community you are called to.  Many people have to visit several in order to figure out what spirituality and ministry they are called to.  The fact that you felt overwhelmed and not at home might be a good indicator that you need to check out other options. 

Edited January 17, 2017 by OnlySunshine

[NadaTeTurbe]

I agree with all of the people who said to go to college. I'll also add that being an introvert doesn't mean you're called to contemplative life, and being an extrovert doesn't mean you're called to the active life  I know extrovert cloistered sisters, and very introvert active sisters. 

[Sister Leticia]

Hello JJJPK - welcome! You've asked for advice, and probably received more than you expected - but that's how things are here.

I agree with almost all of what has been said by all the previous posters, especially where you have been urged to more love and less speed. Love and pray for your mother - not praying that she changes her mind, just praying for her. She may still be unsupportive, but your prayers will bring her blessings - and will also have an effect on your own heart.

And go to college, or if you don't want that, then find work or sign up for some volunteering - something which will get you out and interacting with people from different ages and backgrounds, and enable you to grow in experience and maturity. As others have said, it will be to your benefit - and will give you time and space in which to visit a few other places, discern etc. And if you end up returning to the original monastery, then don't worry, they will still be there, with plenty of space for new candidates, in two, three or more years' time.

I'd also like to add a few more comments, based on what you didn't say in your OP.

You mentioned telling your parents, and having siblings, but then focussed exclusively on how your mother has taken the news. Where and how is your father in all this? What about your siblings? Are any of them supportive or helpful or could act as peacemakers? I wonder if you've had a difficult, strained relationship with your mother (which is quite common for teenage girls - I know I did! It's all part of growing, developing and creating our own identity) and that's why it has, sadly, become you v your mother.

You say your dream is to enter this summer or autumn. That's your dream - but what about the community? What do they say? You haven't told us. I presume you spoke with one or more of them when you visited - what did they say to this 1st time visitor who was clearly on the brink of tears and homesick (and even if you felt you hid it from them, they'll have picked it up, believe me). Or are you hoping that when you visit them in May and ask to enter they'll say of course, and you can enter within the next few months? Basically, you can ask to enter, but it's up to the community to decide whether or not to accept you, and when. They may well expect discerners to visit them more than once or twice, to do a live-in etc - after all, this is someone they will live with at close quarters, maybe for life, and they need to get to know her and be sure about her.

And it's also a way of discovering, right from the beginning, that in religious life you can discern, but the final decision rests with someone else.

And that brings me to the biggest thing you didn't say. You told us what YOU want, what you dream about, that "I felt pretty certain I wanted to be a Benedictine"... but entering religious life isn't about what we want, it's about what GOD wants. It isn't about us deciding but God calling and us responding. As God's calls are rarely 100% direct and crystal clear, discernment is needed. And the prerequisite for any discernment is to become free from any undue influence - to be poised like the midpoint of a balance. Uncovering the biases or sometimes-hidden, subtle influences is the real challenge. For example, in your OP you said you cried and begged God "to let me be as close to him as I could, by joining  a convent" - but being as poised and open to God's desire as possible is about wanting to be close to God, full stop - and allowing God to say how and where.

In the Principle and Foundation with which the Spiritual Exercises begin, St Ignatius asked retreatants to pray for this grace of "indifference" - in order to hold ourselves in balance and inner freedom, not to fix our desires on this or that, but to truly be able to live so that Our only desire and our one choice should be this: I want and I choose what better leads to God’s deepening his life in me.

So pray for the grace of "indifference", for openness to whatever God's dream is for you (which is infinitely better than anything you can dream of!) and a true, deep desire only for whatever leads to the deepening of God's life in you. And then discern!

Blessings!

[OnlySunshine]

6 minutes ago, Sister Leticia said:

And go to college, or if you don't want that, then find work or sign up for some volunteering - something which will get you out and interacting with people from different ages and backgrounds, and enable you to grow in experience and maturity. As others have said, it will be to your benefit - and will give you time and space in which to visit a few other places, discern etc. And if you end up returning to the original monastery, then don't worry, they will still be there, with plenty of space for new candidates, in two, three or more years' time.

I think volunteering is a terrific idea!  I didn't even think of that, but there are SO many Catholic organizations looking for volunteers.  I almost volunteered with LAMP in New York on the recommendation of several people - including the Franciscan Sisters of the Renewal.  But there are MANY more and they can be found through Catholic Volunteer Network (CVN).  Even better, there are several volunteer organizations who offer scholarships thru AmeriCorp that you can use to further your education.  It's a great addition to your resume and several organizations offer a modest stipend for living expenses.  The reason why I didn't end up with LAMP is I decided to get my Bachelor degree instead and got a full-time job 5 days after I graduated.  I spoke to the director many times and I could not have asked for a warmer, kinder person.

[sr.christinaosf]

My experience of a religious vocation/calling didn't come until the summer after my first year of college.  Even then, I didn't know where I would go, or even what to look for.  

It took my college years and a year or two after that to find out where God wanted me.

Please, regardless of what you do, keep praying about it and find a wise, prayerful guide to walk with you through it.

I'll pray for you.

[Kateri89]

I certainly recommend talking more with your mom about it and being as honest about it as possible while remaining patient and gentle with her because I'm sure it's very hard on her.  5 years ago I talked with my mom about feeling called to religious life and she cried a lot and told me she thought I was too young and hadn't experienced "life" enough (I was 22 at the time).  Then, this past Christmas, my sister announced she was pregnant by a guy none of us have ever met and within seconds, my mom congratulated her and hugged her.  That put me over the edge and my mom and I ended up having a very emotionally charged argument where I vented how frustrated I was that in 5 years she never supported me in my discernment but was able to support my sister mere seconds after she announced her pregnancy.  My mom sobbed and told me she should've been supportive from the beginning and now she feels like she ruined my life.  My point is this: if you're honest with her and talk about these things now, she may be able to find a way to be more supportive if she knows that this is hurting you as much as it's hurting her but when God calls you, you have to go with Him.  People talk about how painful it is for the parents and that's very true but how often do parents get to hear that it's extremely painful for the child?  The parent "loses" a child to a religious order but the child "loses" both parents, siblings, friends, coworkers, personal possessions, etc.  I think it's important for your mom to know how much you love her and that your decision is not being made out of malice towards her but as a response of love for God.

[McM RSCJ]

You have indeed received much sage advice.  As a Religious (same Community as Sr. Leticia, but an ocean away), I would add two important bywords or wise understandings from which I've learned over the years:

1) We cannot really begin to discern (in the Ignatian sense) until we face an actual and immediate choice or good or decision.  Experiencing strong desires for religious life or married life or for becoming a missionary, etc., is not the same as discerning religious life or married life or the missionary call. . . .  Under the wisdom of that light, you have the desires.  But you have not yet begun to discern, and that is absolutely fine and as it should be.  God acts in the real, the concrete, and in actual relationships. 

2)  It is not possible to give oneself away to another person, not even to God, before one has a self.  That's why psychological maturity, experience, intellectual development etc are not distractions from considering religious life but prerequisites.  And that is why you are hearing so many wise words suggesting you take time, go to college, live away from home, et cetera. 

Those are the two watchwords.  I believe the wisdom they contain comes from saintly sages and long ages.  Worth listening to. 

But for my own two cents, I have two observations that may or may not resonate with you.

You call your Mother unsupportive.  But it sounds to me as though your Mother and Father have been amazingly supportive.  At the age of 16, you tell them out of the blue you want to visit a contemplative monastery this past November.  They agree and give permission for you to go.  Wow!  And did they also pay for the transportation?  For an offering?

You come home and tell them it's not for you.  Then in January (only a month or so later) you tell them you were wrong, the monastery is right for you, and you are going back in May. You are sure this time it will all be different and you will enter this Summer or Fall?  I think the most supportive parents/persons in the world would find that hard to take, no?  After all what has actually changed?  (And are they also to come up with the money to get you there again?) 

My second observation has to do with the chills that ran up my arms and spine when I read this in your post:  "I've even had good priest friends tell me that her negativity and tyrants [tirades] are 'not normal.'"    

Yes, I was on full red alert.  Good priests ought deliberately to make sure they do not act as "friends" with 16 year old girls or boys.  They are to be disinterested advisors, mentors, guides. 

Same is true for teachers, physicians, counselors, etc.  It's a critical boundary issue out of respect for you and your development.

 
If they are priests, they ought to be following every requirement, spirit and law, of the Church's Protection of Minors training which does rule out certain kinds of relationships between adults and those who are not adults yet.  And good priests, while they might reassure you that conflict between a 16 yr old and her Mom is as normal as the ebb and flow of tides, would never say to you that your Mother is not normal (even if they suspected that). That would be a violation of priestly counsel and discretion.  Now if these guys are your same age and are seminarians, present or hopeful, but not yet priests, then they may indeed enjoy hanging with you as a peer-age pal who takes your side in a parental conflict, because that's what adolescents do.  But if they are not adolescents, and if they are priests breaking these important boundaries, do take care, okay?    

Edited January 18, 2017 by McM RSCJ