Boyfriend calling to Priesthood

[Jessicaane]

Hello all,

My boyfriend of 10 months broke up with me 2 days ago. He said he feels that God might be calling him away from marriage. He told me that he loves me very much, but that he doesn't have the want/willingness to do loving and caring things for me anymore. He said "you deserve so much, you deserve random flowers, and coffee at work and surprise dinner dates, and I should want to do all that for you like I used to but I just don't have that feeling anymore" This was a complete shock because nothing in our relationship gave me any doubt about our feelings for each other. We talked about marriage and having a family, so much that I thought we would be getting engaged not breaking up. He told me that his heart and soul he wants to have a family and be married, and not one part of him wants to be a priest. He mentioned how his last relationships came to the same end, he just started to feel different towards them. He mentioned how much his heart wants to be with me and marry me but his actions are telling him different. He thinks that maybe God is calling him to priesthood. I wasn't raised Catholic, but I was supposed to start RCIA this week and now this has happened. I am so heartbroken, because in my heart and soul I feel like God put this man in my life to marry. He is the man I prayed to God for. When we first met, after a couple of hours on our first date, God was telling me he was the one. I have never doubted that for one second. He says he has always prayed for us and in the beginning it felt perfect and right and he says he's continued to pray and now its different. How is it possible for us to be getting different signs. I am so confused on what to do... He says he is going to continue to pray about it and see what God wants. I need a lot of prayers and any advice right now. I don't know how to let him, this is the guy I love and talked to everyday. Should we remain in contact or should I cut all ties and let him figure it out? If anyone has been in a similar situation please give me words of advice.  

[Nihil Obstat]

For the vast majority of people, serious Catholics included, God does not literally tap you on the shoulder and tell you what your vocation is. It is a process of prayer and discernment. Sometimes there will be mistakes, sometimes the right things will be painful.

It is certainly possible he is called to the priesthood. It is also entirely possible he is not. But it is normal that he is unsure at this point. Also perfectly normal that you and he have different ideas about your current trajectories. Such is life; sometimes it is messy.

 

My personal advice is that you do not keep in close contact while he is discerning. Friendly, sure. But keep a distance. Seminarians are a strange and mercurial breed (  ) and are notoriously easy to confuse and become confused. Do not entertain thoughts of changing his mind. Do not get pulled into discernment drama. Re-establish closer, more intimate contact if and only if he determines decisively that he will not pursue the priesthood.

[tinytherese]

http://seraphicsinglescummings.blogspot.com/2010/10/discern-this-drama-boy.html 

 

http://seraphicsinglescummings.blogspot.com/2010/12/auntie-seraphic-ex-seminarians.html 

[Nihil Obstat]

2 hours ago, Nihil Obstat said:

For the vast majority of people, serious Catholics included, God does not literally tap you on the shoulder and tell you what your vocation is. It is a process of prayer and discernment. Sometimes there will be mistakes, sometimes the right things will be painful.

It is certainly possible he is called to the priesthood. It is also entirely possible he is not. But it is normal that he is unsure at this point. Also perfectly normal that you and he have different ideas about your current trajectories. Such is life; sometimes it is messy.

 

My personal advice is that you do not keep in close contact while he is discerning. Friendly, sure. But keep a distance. Seminarians are a strange and mercurial breed (  ) and are notoriously easy to confuse and become confused. Do not entertain thoughts of changing his mind. Do not get pulled into discernment drama. Re-establish closer, more intimate contact if and only if he determines decisively that he will not pursue the priesthood.

That should have read that seminarians "are notoriously easy to confuse and cause confusion", or at least something more grammatical and to that effect.

[Gabriela]

2 hours ago, Jessicaane said:

Hello all,

My boyfriend of 10 months broke up with me 2 days ago. He said he feels that God might be calling him away from marriage. He told me that he loves me very much, but that he doesn't have the want/willingness to do loving and caring things for me anymore. He said "you deserve so much, you deserve random flowers, and coffee at work and surprise dinner dates, and I should want to do all that for you like I used to but I just don't have that feeling anymore" This was a complete shock because nothing in our relationship gave me any doubt about our feelings for each other. We talked about marriage and having a family, so much that I thought we would be getting engaged not breaking up. He told me that his heart and soul he wants to have a family and be married, and not one part of him wants to be a priest. He mentioned how his last relationships came to the same end, he just started to feel different towards them. He mentioned how much his heart wants to be with me and marry me but his actions are telling him different. He thinks that maybe God is calling him to priesthood. I wasn't raised Catholic, but I was supposed to start RCIA this week and now this has happened. I am so heartbroken, because in my heart and soul I feel like God put this man in my life to marry. He is the man I prayed to God for. When we first met, after a couple of hours on our first date, God was telling me he was the one. I have never doubted that for one second. He says he has always prayed for us and in the beginning it felt perfect and right and he says he's continued to pray and now its different. How is it possible for us to be getting different signs. I am so confused on what to do... He says he is going to continue to pray about it and see what God wants. I need a lot of prayers and any advice right now. I don't know how to let him, this is the guy I love and talked to everyday. Should we remain in contact or should I cut all ties and let him figure it out? If anyone has been in a similar situation please give me words of advice.  

Welcome to the phorum, Jessicaane. I will pray for you and your friend.  

[Maggyie]

Hi, I hate to say it but he sounds very immature. It's rare for a man (or woman) after awhile in a relationship to always be thinking of random flowers and surprise romantic dinners. Yes, those things happen but not all the time. And not "naturally" either, the way it does in the first stages when love is new and the other person's pleasure is all you think of constantly.

He may not realize this and just repeatedly dumps girls when the new/shiny "in love with being in love" feelings wear off. Some guys watch too many romantic comedies, or they just have never been given a realistic understanding of adult relationships by their parents. The priesthood won't give him that high forever, either, so I suspect he has a lot of angst ahead of him before he learns to accommodate his life as it is and not how he imagines it should be. I know it hurts right now, but steer clear. 

[Spem in alium]

I would agree with what's been said. Back away a bit and give him some space to discern. That's really difficult, of course, but necessary if he (and you) is going to discern properly. It's totally understandable that you're heartbroken; if you can, try and pray for him, for clarity and that the right choices will be made. I hope you do begin your RCIA process also. God bless you. Know you're in my prayers.

[Julie]

This has happened to me twice: once in a very VERY serious relationship with a man who will (probably) make a wonderful priest, and once with a well-intentioned fellow who was rather immature and who I suspect just got surprised by the end of the shiny-new period of the relationship.  What's happening to you is probably one of those two things.

Either way: I know it hurts, and I'm sorry. It sounds like you have this sense of "If You wanted him, God, why'd You go and make me think You were going to give him to me?" I experienced that too. There can be a lot of confusion, and even a sense of anger/betrayal when it seems like God is taking someone away from you.  Just know that God loves you, and He DOES want what's best for you, even if it is not clear what that is.

You say that you felt God was drawing you towards this guy. Maybe He was, but not for the reason you thought. Perhaps this guy, even though you don't marry him, will bring you closer to God. Maybe God uses this relationship to bring you to an interest in Catholicism (or maybe your starting RCIA was unrelated, I don't know). Maybe He's showing you how to trust Him even when things are painful. Maybe there's some other reason, which won't be clear until heaven. But God knows that you are in pain, and He will not leave you alone in it.

On a practical level, it's a good idea to give this guy space to think. Even if he does NOT end up becoming a priest, it won't do either of you any favors to try and force things, or to push yourself into just-friends right away. Back off a little, pray for him, and see if you can rebuild a friendship later. In my case, I was able to do that (after several months and then veeeeeerrrrry sllllloooowwwllly easing back into each other's lives) with one of the fellows. Despite the pain of the breakup (we'd been seriously discussing marriage the week before! I was blindsided!) the disinterested friendship that I have now is one of the greatest blessings of my life (and I have a great potential godfather for my future kids!) I hope that something like that happens for you, too. If not, you will still be okay. It gets better, trust me.

You'll be in my prayers. Feel free to PM if you want to talk.

[EmilyAnn]

3 hours ago, Maggyie said:

Hi, I hate to say it but he sounds very immature. It's rare for a man (or woman) after awhile in a relationship to always be thinking of random flowers and surprise romantic dinners. Yes, those things happen but not all the time. And not "naturally" either, the way it does in the first stages when love is new and the other person's pleasure is all you think of constantly.

He may not realize this and just repeatedly dumps girls when the new/shiny "in love with being in love" feelings wear off. Some guys watch too many romantic comedies, or they just have never been given a realistic understanding of adult relationships by their parents. The priesthood won't give him that high forever, either, so I suspect he has a lot of angst ahead of him before he learns to accommodate his life as it is and not how he imagines it should be. I know it hurts right now, but steer clear. 

I agree with this. If he's repeatedly ending relationships at this stage, it sounds like he's just ending things when the "honeymoon phase" is over. Relationships go through stages and not all of those stages are sunshine and roses.

[CatherineM]

If he comes back, it's been my experience that those who discern the religious life but choose marriage often make the best spouses. It's because they didn't just marry as the default. They chose the vocation of marriage as a calling. Give him some space. As to rcia, it works the same way. Don't become catholic just because you're thinking of marrying one. Discern whether you are called to join the church. 

[Jessicaane]

Thank you all for your kind words! It has helped but I still have such a mixture of feelings. Mostly anger... I'm having a hard time understanding how a man so passionate about family and getting married, and wanting kids can suddenly feel like he's being called to priesthood. He has said that his heart and soul want a family more than anything and has no desire to be a priest. He's a pilot and is sooo passionate about his job and you can tell how much he loves it by the way his eyes light up when he mentions it... He talked about ring shopping.. How does one just suddenly say, "my feelings have faded and I think God is calling me away from marriage" I have prayed and prayed and prayed but just cant understand.. 

[Gabriela]

7 minutes ago, Jessicaane said:

Thank you all for your kind words! It has helped but I still have such a mixture of feelings. Mostly anger... I'm having a hard time understanding how a man so passionate about family and getting married, and wanting kids can suddenly feel like he's being called to priesthood. He has said that his heart and soul want a family more than anything and has no desire to be a priest. He's a pilot and is sooo passionate about his job and you can tell how much he loves it by the way his eyes light up when he mentions it... He talked about ring shopping.. How does one just suddenly say, "my feelings have faded and I think God is calling me away from marriage" I have prayed and prayed and prayed but just cant understand.. 

Jessicaane, for my Master's thesis, I interviewed 35 sisters about their call to the religious life. Quite a few of them said that they had wanted marriage and kids more than anything else in the world, and then God basically smacked them upside the head and said, "No, I want you to enter the religious life." Most of them were revolted by the thought—initially. But then, as time went on, they warmed to it, until eventually they realized that God had changed their hearts to want what He wanted (< exact words one sister used).

Your friend may have been fighting the call for a long time, and overcompensating with even MORE talk of marriage and ring-buying and kids and whatnot in order to hide or even deny to himself that he was really considering the call to priesthood. That wouldn't be uncommon. Lots of people initially run away from the call, and then, eventually, they realize that the things they always loved and wanted but that they sacrificed to follow God's call come back to them in unexpected ways: sisters said they now feel a strong sense of "spiritual motherhood", so really aren't childless at all; priests say they see the Church as their spouse and all their parishioners as their children, so they have families in the end, too.

In any case, it's normal to perceive the initial call as a huge sacrifice and to be terrified of it and either ignore or deny it. But now, it sounds like your friend has accepted it. Or else he is just using a lame excuse to get out of a relationship that's no longer shiny and new. Either way, you don't wanna waste your time on this guy. If he's called to be a priest, he's God's, not yours. And if he's not, he's a whole lotta man-trouble.

So I agree with Julie that the thing to do now is walk away from this guy and ask yourself what God was trying to do with/for YOU in bringing you close to him. Was He trying to draw you nearer to the Catholic faith? Was He trying to get you to reflect on your own vocation in life? Was He trying to make you stronger or wiser for a future romantic relationship? You may not be able to tell the answer right now, but you should reflect on it nonetheless and ask God to show you the answer in His good time. I'm old, so I can guarantee you He will!  

[Jessicaane]

13 hours ago, Julie said:

This has happened to me twice: once in a very VERY serious relationship with a man who will (probably) make a wonderful priest, and once with a well-intentioned fellow who was rather immature and who I suspect just got surprised by the end of the shiny-new period of the relationship.  What's happening to you is probably one of those two things.

Either way: I know it hurts, and I'm sorry. It sounds like you have this sense of "If You wanted him, God, why'd You go and make me think You were going to give him to me?" I experienced that too. There can be a lot of confusion, and even a sense of anger/betrayal when it seems like God is taking someone away from you.  Just know that God loves you, and He DOES want what's best for you, even if it is not clear what that is.

You say that you felt God was drawing you towards this guy. Maybe He was, but not for the reason you thought. Perhaps this guy, even though you don't marry him, will bring you closer to God. Maybe God uses this relationship to bring you to an interest in Catholicism (or maybe your starting RCIA was unrelated, I don't know). Maybe He's showing you how to trust Him even when things are painful. Maybe there's some other reason, which won't be clear until heaven. But God knows that you are in pain, and He will not leave you alone in it.

On a practical level, it's a good idea to give this guy space to think. Even if he does NOT end up becoming a priest, it won't do either of you any favors to try and force things, or to push yourself into just-friends right away. Back off a little, pray for him, and see if you can rebuild a friendship later. In my case, I was able to do that (after several months and then veeeeeerrrrry sllllloooowwwllly easing back into each other's lives) with one of the fellows. Despite the pain of the breakup (we'd been seriously discussing marriage the week before! I was blindsided!) the disinterested friendship that I have now is one of the greatest blessings of my life (and I have a great potential godfather for my future kids!) I hope that something like that happens for you, too. If not, you will still be okay. It gets better, trust me.

You'll be in my prayers. Feel free to PM if you want to talk.

Thank you!! I don't know how to say this but, I'm glad to know that someone else has had this experience, even thought I'm not glad you had to experience it, if you know what I mean!! LOL. I'm just glad that someone can know exactly where I'm coming from. I'm sorry that you had to go through this not only once, but twice! But it reassures me knowing that everything worked out for you. I definitely felt since the beginning of our relationship that he had brought me closer to God, he was a bit more religious than I and practiced more than myself. He opened my mind to RCIA and after some time it felt like it was the right thing to do. We agreed that we wanted to raise our kids in the same religious ways and get married in the Church. Now that all of this has happened, I feel like I'm losing my faith.. I trust that God has a plan for me and everything will work out. But I'm not sure that RCIA is for me now.. We had planned to go together, but he broke up with me just days before.. I cant help but think that this was God saying I shouldn't go..  

11 hours ago, EmilyAnn said:

I agree with this. If he's repeatedly ending relationships at this stage, it sounds like he's just ending things when the "honeymoon phase" is over. Relationships go through stages and not all of those stages are sunshine and roses.

I agree, I feel that he missed the part about how relationships go through stages and the love/honeymoon, head over heels, feeling will fade with time. And that relationships require work, everyday.. I feel like he's expecting it to come naturally and last forever without any effort, and is thinking to hard into what it means.. Would It be wrong of me to tell him that I think he is being extreme and looking for a message that isn't there. That he might just need to put in a little effort and get past the honeymoon phase?

You guys I have no idea how to reply to each of you one here and I think I may have done it wrong! LOL. Sorry but I am new

[Nihil Obstat]

I would recommend attending RCIA anyway and discussing your thoughts with the priest. I feel very confident in saying that God still wants you to be Catholic, whether or not your ex-boyfriend has a vocation to the priesthood.

[Socrates]

My sister's husband went through the whole vocation thing, up to joining a seminary in Germany.  You never know.  The majority of people I know who have joined seminaries or convents to discern wound up married in the end.