Don't Want to Discern Again

[tinytherese]

Years ago I came to the conclusion that I was called to marriage, but weeks ago I got hit by a curveball. I got a letter from a community of religious sisters out of nowhere asking for money because they had been robbed, but later was told on here that the community didn't mention it at all on their website. I wasn't planning on donating to them anyway because of how little money I have. Before I opened the letter though, I thought that it was a community that was trying to recruit me, which was odd considering that they were multiple states away from me. For some strange reason, I this got me back into discerning again.

I don't even desire to become a religious sister. I just have this feeling inside of me that God wants me to do it. I was content with getting married someday and having kids. I felt peace about that decision years ago. I don't like saying the Liturgy of the Hours and mental prayer has been super hard for me for 10 years, so I don't like saying the rosary. Both these prayers are said by nuns and religious sisters, but to me it's just reciting a bunch of words. I pray in different ways. I don't know what apostolate I would want to do. Maybe I could be a teaching aide for preschoolers or kindergardeners, be one of the teachers for CCD, or one of the Sisters of Life apostolates. 

I wouldn't be a contemplative, because of the praying issues I have. Besides, praying almost incessantly would bore me. I need time alone not just to pray but to just have fun and do something that doesn't involve the faith. Recreation for those in the religious life is done together just talking or playing sports which I don't like to do. The vow of obedience would annoy me because I'd feel like a child asking for permission to so things and sometimes wouldn't get to do the the things that I want to do. 

My health is a serious barrier. I know that if I really am called that God will provide a community for me. Discerning however would require me to be upfront with a community about my depression, anxiety, vitamin d defeciency, chronic constipation, inability to empty my bladder, and being on the high functioning end of the autism spectrum.

I'm annoyed that there's a feeling inside of me pushing me into discerning again when I don't want to do it. I know that feelings can be fickle and acting on our feelings isn't always a good idea like hitting someone when we're mad at them.

[Feankie]

I would caution you to check out the letter you received to make sure it's legit about the robbery.  From time to time I get emails that "claim" to be from someone I know, saying they are stranded in Europe and need money to get home, were robbed on the subway and need money, had their car stolen and are stranded and need money.  People's contact lists (usually the sender) have been compromised and these fake emails are send to everyone in their address book.   Just saying.........

[Makarioi]

I think Luigi posted something of this nature in Open Mic........  Maybe you can talk to your parish priest about your feelings?  

I meant about nuns being robbed......

 

[FlowerofCarmel]

My friend, The Lord would not push you to become a sister! its is not an obligation! You have to desire it, together with a call in your heart and a feeling of peace. All these anxieties you have, drop them at the feet of Jesus! Praying can be battle yes, satan does not want people of God to pray. You can start off by saying small little prayers such as a Hail Mary daily, and talk to her. Mean what you say, If you don't feel like you are communicating, DO NOT WORRY! You mention you are on the high end of the spectrum. Jesus knows that! you might be struggling in your life in general about what life has in store for you, because you see your barriers, do not let your barriers have their say, PRAISE the LORD, in the good times, in the not so good times, hold on to your faith in the lord, YOU have faith!

Don't desire for life to fulfill your needs quickly, this is a wrong discernment, lean on Jesus Christ, go to Mass, read small passage of scriptures, If you feel prayer tires you, say "Lord prayer tires me! give me strength! I want to do your will!" Like I said, you can start with 1 Hail Mary a day. Run to your Mother! she loves you!. God Bless you!

[Kayte Postle]

My simple advice, follow the peace. While discernment is full of ups and downs, there should be an underlying peace that God has placed in your heart. I'd second talking to a priest about it.

[Quasar]

It seems like these are struggles not with the religious life in particular, but with a prayer life in general.  If you become a Catholic mom or wife, or stay single,you'll still need a healthy prayer life.  It's part of being human as well as being Catholic, so I agree with others about talking to a priest or spiritual director.  

Maybe God has plans to use your struggles with prayer in a way you can't see yet, whether inside or outside of a religious community.  A nun who has struggled to pray might be better able to help lay people who struggle with the same thing.

 

Edited August 10, 2016 by Quasar

[<3 PopeFrancis]

I was discerning to be in a community.  The third Order of Discalced Carmelites.  I was in there for like 2 years.  I took some promises and was getting ready  for I think my second promise and then this happened.  

We meet once a month.  Our Vocational Trainer was just a mommy.  She had to leave one day at lunch  for her grandchild's graduation.  All of a sudden, the sisters jumped on me about this politician I work for.  Of course, I got upset because I love him very much and am close to his family.  He goes to church every day when he is not in session.  He's just one of us.  They didn't like some of the issues he votes on and then the president walked out into the kitchen  then  swoop.  They all started attacking me about it.  I said in a nice fashion that perhaps praying a Rosary instead of coming at me like that would better consume your time.  I did not go back after that - although they pleaded for me to do so.  They crushed me, but, I will not allow that to happen again in any Catholic venue.

 

[Luigi]

Tiny: 

I "third" talking to your parish priest. But I also wonder.... I know some people - and I've experienced it a few times myself - who have naturally charitable impulses. They see a need, they want to help address the situation. Somebody puts out a call for volunteers, they want to sign up - even if they have a schedule conflict. They want to donate to a fundraiser, even if they're basically broke. They read a book about a missionary, they want to take up that life. They meet someone who's making a real difference in the world through their job, they want to take up that profession.

So I wonder if what you're feeling now is just your naturally charitable impulse toward the sisters who may (or may not) have sent you the letter. You list a lot of reasons you don't think you could be a nun, and I assume you know yourself pretty well. So listen to your own voice of reason. And you might review your past inclinations to see if you do have a tendency to jump on the charitable bandwagon as it were. If you can think of past instances when you were suddenly drawn to something that really wasn't going to work out, then this might be another instance of that. 

[Antigonos]

This to me, seems definitely an issue to raise with your priest, or a spiritual advisor.  While I think raising a family is without doubt the hardest and most time-consuming work anyone can do (and what, after all, could be more important than raising the next devout generation?) there are numerous opportunities for volunteer work that can be combined with secular life and are of immense benefit.  Just an example: here in Jerusalem, an ultra-Orthodox man began an organization, in memory of his mother, which supplies, for just a symbolic deposit, the loan of any kind of medical equipment for personal use that can be needed, from crutches to hospital beds.  It's now a national organization throughout Israel; when I had my hip replacement, they supplied me with various kinds of orthopedic equipment, brought to my home, and retrieved it.  ALL the workers are volunteers.  One doesn't have to be in religious life to make a real contribution.

[tinytherese]

I have a few leads for spiritual directors. I'll definitely bring this up with them.

[Gabriela]

On 8/10/2016 at 7:23 PM, FlowerofCarmel said:

My friend, The Lord would not push you to become a sister! its is not an obligation! You have to desire it, together with a call in your heart and a feeling of peace.

This is a bit misleading, so I just want to clarify: I interviewed many sisters who felt God was pushing them hard to become sisters. They did not desire it. They were disgusted and horrified at the thought. But as soon as they submitted and asked God to change their hearts so that they could do His will, the thought grew on them, and... voila, today they're sisters. NOW they feel peace and joy, but they didn't feel that at all when the call first struck.

That's not what happens to everyone, but it does happen that way to some people. So keep that in mind.

@tinytherese: As I read your post, I thought, "This kind of nagging is the sign of a vocation." It goes away, it comes back. It goes away again, it comes back. Of course, it's not a definitive sign, but it is something to notice. That being said, your health issues are formidable. So if I were in your position, I'd say to God—once, simply, quickly, and have it done—"Look, Jesus, if you want me to enter, I'll enter. But you have to show me where. Open my eyes to see what you're showing me." Then leave it alone. Don't start spending half your life trying to hunt down a house that will take people with your medical condition. Just leave it in His hands, and keep your eyes peeled. And remember this bit of wisdom so many discerners forget: Just because God whispered something to you (like, through a letter in the mail) doesn't mean you have to take off in a frenzy of aimless activity. Mary "pondered such things in her heart". You should do the same, too, until it's clear what action you're supposed to take.

 

Edited August 12, 2016 by Gabriela

[FlowerofCarmel]

Gabriela, Thank you

[DameAgnes]

"I don't want to discern the religious life again."

Then don't. 

God is a gentleman. He doesn't push us to do what we don't want to do. He gives us choices and we can say yes or no. 

This seems like a nobrainer, to me....Say no. He'll find something else for you to do in order to effect his will.

[Maggyie]

Reading your post I feel like you don't need to discern again, your vocational discernment is complete. It's true that for many people a "nagging" is a sign of a genuine call to religious life. But for many others, including myself, it was just another manifestation of my anxiety disorder. 

[DameAgnes]

"Trusting God When I Think 'I should have been a nun'" http://aleteia.org/2015/11/23/trusting-god-when-i-think-i-should-have-been-a-nun/