Discernment Dilemma -- Advice & prayers please

[AveMariaPurissima]

Here’s my dilemma. 

I’ve been seriously discerning with a particular community for about a year now, although for personal reasons I haven’t been able to visit yet.  (If you know or can guess what community I’m talking about, pretend you don’t.)  Recently a close friend with personal knowledge of this community shared with me some negative information about them, and she made me promise I wouldn’t share with anyone what she had told me.  Although I found what she told me disconcerting, I think I still want to keep in contact with the community and hopefully visit them at some point.  I respect and value her perspective, but I feel that I need to observe and evaluate the situation and come to a conclusion myself.  But the whole thing still bothers me.  I’m concerned that as I continue discernment, I won’t be able to trust the community or my own perceptions of them anymore. 

I’m also really bothered by not being able to talk to anyone about it.  So I can’t hash out my concerns with the VD, so I guess I just have to continue communicating her as if I didn’t hear anything, even though this is weighing on my heart so much..??  I desperately need advice and perspective about this – even though I told this person I wouldn’t tell anyone what she told me, is it ok for me to email my SD* about it??  He knows my situation and is familiar with the community in question; I think it would help me to get his advice, and I trust him to keep matters confidential.  (I’m also planning to ask my confessor for advice next time I go to confession.  Because of the Seal of Confession I won’t feel like I’m violating this “secret.”)

I would also very much appreciate prayers for myself, this community, and the person who told me this. Thanks.  

 

 

 

 

*If it makes a difference…to be super technical, he’s not “officially” my spiritual director, but he’s the closest thing I have to one.  He’s a close priest friend who knows me and my situation well, and I generally keep him informed of how my discernment is going.

[Nunsuch]

Your spiritual director is a priest, and he will keep what you say "under the seal." I would NOT trust anyone telling you something that they say you can't discuss with anyone.... I think you owe it to your spiritual well-being to discuss this with your SD *and* with the community itself. If you can't be completely open with them--even about things that may seem troubling--that does not bode well concerning a life-long commitment, does it? 

Compare it to not discussing really important things with a fiance before your marriage. This is not a time for keeping secrets.

My prayers, of course--goes without saying.

[Sister Leticia]

I'd second what Nunsuch says about trusting your SD's ability to keep confidentiality (and indeed, even if an SD isn't a priest, we're still bound by rules of confidentiality). He can advise you about how/what to communicate with the sisters. And clearly, you won't be able to do any sort of discerning with this community if you're holding onto some information which you feel you can't ask them about.

But does your friend have a particular reason for swearing you to secrecy? - eg is she an employee of this community, concerned about keeping her job, or is the information she shared with you incidents only she witnessed, so she'd be easily identified if you spoke of them? If so, you might need to be careful for her sake in what you say to the sisters. But if there's nothing about her information that would get her into trouble, or she's simply a friend of the community (eg from the local parish), or she's sharing something she heard from someone else, then her request for secrecy doesn't feel as necessary.

And... did your friend tell you anything which alleges abuse, bullying or illegal actions? If so, and especially if she's the only witness to incidents, SHE has a duty to inform the relevant authorities. If not, she's concealing a crime/doing nothing to prevent a repetition - but people in that situation can sometimes be paralysed and scared of contacting the police, social services or whoever, and they may need a lot of persuading and support.

Prayers for wisdom - for you and your SD

[Guest]

You already have some good responses.  Are you able to speak to your close friend and tell her that what she has told you is so important for your future that you really do need to discuss it with your SD and VD without naming her as the source?  As Sister Letitia posted, your friend's relationship with the community might need to be a consideration.

23 hours ago, AveMariaPurissima said:

I respect and value her perspective, but I feel that I need to observe and evaluate the situation and come to a conclusion myself.

Important conclusion

23 hours ago, AveMariaPurissima said:

I’m concerned that as I continue discernment, I won’t be able to trust the community or my own perceptions of them anymore. 

The above is the reason that you probably do need to discuss it with your SD and VD.

God bless your decisions and may The Holy Spirit be the wind at your back.

 

[TheresaThoma]

Definitely if this is something that is bothering you talk it over with your SD. I know most priests and SD keep what is told to them confidential especially if it is of a sensitive nature.

I did at one point have to have a tough conversation with a community. I felt rude about asking about it but the information was out in the public sphere I just wanted some clarification and to really see how the community was handling it. It was a bit awkward but after talking it over I was so glad I asked and felt like a weight had been lifted.

 

[nikita92]

Nothing ventured nothing gained. I would be honest and direct with the community. 

[Kayte Postle]

I'm going to echo what others have already said, but I think you most definitely need to talk to your SD about this. I think that talking about this with the community would be wise also. When you join religious life you are essentially joining a family. There should be love and communication between members of a family, so should between you and this community. Don't be afraid to ask the tough questions!

Prayers for you and the situation!

[AveMariaPurissima]

Thank you everyone.  I've gotten some really good input here and from another acquaintance.

I have also emailed my SD -- he gave me some good preliminary advice and promised we'd talk about it more when he gets back in town.

And I definitely plan to bring up these concerns with the community -- just trying to consider what the most prudent way to do it is.  I think I might wait until after I talk to Father and see if he has any suggestions.  

Thank you again everyone for your advice and especially for your prayers!  I feel a lot more at peace with the decision to be open with them about my concerns.

Edited August 6, 2016 by AveMariaPurissima

[AveMariaPurissima]

So the VD and I are planning to talk on the phone tomorrow, about ^this situation among other things.  Prayers would be greatly appreciated!