The Ultimate Super-sized XXL Marriage Thread Plus

[Lil Red]

On June 18, 2016 at 8:30 AM, Ice_nine said:

 

It's extremely precarious because she seems like she wants to get married in the church, eventually even if not right now. I don't want to close that door. She hates when religious people seem self-righteous and it very well may come off that way. I am torn. Absolutely torn. Out of my immediate family, 40 or so cousins, my dozen aunts and uncles I think not a single one of them will understand let alone support my decision (still haven't decided yet) to not attend my only sister's wedding. They will all think I'm the biggest ass on the planet, or they will be devastated (which is worse) IMO. I just don't know what to do :/. It's possible she could still have a church wedding but her fiancé seems opposed. I don't know

Is there a way that your mom/dad could broach the subjection of a dispensation in marrying a non-Catholic? I mean, it is their job as a parent to guide their children in the Faith (even if their children are adults). When my sister was remarrying, my mom asked if she would get an annulment so she could be married in the Church (which she did get and they did marry in the Church). I wanted to make sure my sister was "legit" in the eyes of the Church, but I left that up to my parents to help my sister. 

[Sponsa-Christi]

On 7/7/2016 at 0:24 PM, franciscanheart said:

That seems like a weak and confusing parallel, but perhaps we should split into a new thread.

Fair enough, it probably was!

The point I was trying to make, though, is that just because the Church's procedural law wasn't literally written word-for-word by Jesus Himself, it doesn't therefore follow that the Church doesn't have the authority to determine what is and what isn't a sacrament. 

[Ice_nine]

6 hours ago, Lil Red said:

Is there a way that your mom/dad could broach the subjection of a dispensation in marrying a non-Catholic? I mean, it is their job as a parent to guide their children in the Faith (even if their children are adults). When my sister was remarrying, my mom asked if she would get an annulment so she could be married in the Church (which she did get and they did marry in the Church). I wanted to make sure my sister was "legit" in the eyes of the Church, but I left that up to my parents to help my sister. 

err, my dad is not practicing and my mom did encourage her to get married in the church (she's mostly practicing but ignorant about Catholicism in many ways), but didn't want to step on my sister's toes. I don't know if she fully understands the importance of it.

Also, the guy my sister wants to marry is also a Catholic, just not practicing really. He's pretty passive and doesn't seem absolutely dead-set against a church wedding but I can safely say he is not at all interested in it either.

It's really killing me. I filled out a contact form that my parish had on their website and no one got back to me. The pastors' emails are listed but I don't know, should I try emailing one of them? What if they don't answer too? Every time I have to see her or someone else talks about the wedding I get some pretty violent thoughts directed at myself. gaaaaaaaaaaaah.

[LittleWaySoul]

15 hours ago, Ice_nine said:

err, my dad is not practicing and my mom did encourage her to get married in the church (she's mostly practicing but ignorant about Catholicism in many ways), but didn't want to step on my sister's toes. I don't know if she fully understands the importance of it.

Also, the guy my sister wants to marry is also a Catholic, just not practicing really. He's pretty passive and doesn't seem absolutely dead-set against a church wedding but I can safely say he is not at all interested in it either.

It's really killing me. I filled out a contact form that my parish had on their website and no one got back to me. The pastors' emails are listed but I don't know, should I try emailing one of them? What if they don't answer too? Every time I have to see her or someone else talks about the wedding I get some pretty violent thoughts directed at myself. gaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Hey, I know what that's like (the violent thoughts), but this isn't your fault, I promise. I'm sorry you're feeling this way.  Do you have anyone you can talk to about your mental/emotional health right now? That's pretty important in this situation too.

I think you're absolutely justified in outright emailing the priests, if only for confidential guidance on the situation. You could simply say in your email that you're in a tough situation right now and really need help discerning what to do. Then when you meet with one of them, you'll be able to explain the situation to him much better than to us, and he'll probably give better guidance anyway. I really hope someone would answer your email, but if they don't, just remember that it's still not your fault, nor is it because of anything that you did wrong. Just take it one step at a time and try to encourage yourself for each step you take. 

Please know that I'm praying for you, and I hope you can find some peace through all of this. 

[Ice_nine]

so . . .

for anyone interested I talked to both my therapist and a priest about this whole situation. I didn't want any part of it, and my anxiety was through the freaking roof, but I did it.

I know that my traditionalist-minded posters will probably not agree, but in short the priest told me I shouldn't not participate in the wedding for a few good reasons. He didn't think I was just yielding to peer pressure, and he told me I should do my best to gently correct my sister, which for me is not an easy thing to do because I usually go into a panic when talking about my beliefs or anything  personal to me.

He also talked about all the couples he counsels for marriage prep. How many just marry in the church for social, traditional, or even superficial reasons (e.g. the church is a beautiful setting) and how there's some level of integrity for those who don't marry in the church because they don't believe or are not committed to her.

Honestly I'd rather have my sister and her fiancé go through the motions. An illicit, but valid, wedding is better than one that is both illicit and invalid. Maybe that's the wrong way to look at things. When my mom more or less forced me to be confirmed in the Church at a time I didn't believe in it, I was very bitter. After my reversion I often wonder if it "counted" and how my conscience would be a little more at ease had I been confirmed when I wanted to and when I was in a state of grace. I see something similar here.

I feel like I'm the only, or one of the few, actually practicing Catholics in my family. Thus I'm a live resource for them to learn about the Church that they would only know about through the media (which usually paints an ugly picture). I genuinely don't think that by not participating in the wedding, or not going, that I would help bring about any conversion. Don't get me wrong, I don't think participation in itself is an evangelizing opportunity either, but I think it keeps that door open where as not going might slam it shut.

Also the fact that she expresses a desire to get the marriage "blessed" i.e. convalidated. If not participating is me "taking a stand" which direction will that push her?

I do better with absolutes and finality. In many ways it would be easier for me to say "I'm not going because I don't believe in what you're doing," and deal with the fallout. It would be torturous yes, but so is living in the constant tension of trying to share my faith in ana effective way. I'll have to have discussions with my sister about things I'd rather not (simply because my mental/social health is kind of shiitake mushroom).

I've consigned myself to the fact that I will not feel OK about any decision I'd have to make. Often times I would think "maybe if I die in a car crash or something, it wouldn't be the worst thing." I'm thinking about that less now. I just think my level of stress was so high and neither decision seemed good, the idea of escape was attractive.

I didn't mean for the post to be that long, My bad. Continued prayers are always appreciated. Thanks fam.

[Anomaly]

Good for you, Ice!    Life and choices aren't simple.  You can't be perfect, but you have to try to for the best you can.  I'd trust a priest over PM posters.  

Work with your therapist to accept your shortcomings and acknowledge your efforts and accomplishments.    I've been there.   There is hope and people who understand and want to help.  

I think you're doing the right thing.  It's not up to you to demand the moral ultimatums from others.   Your job is to patiently and lovingly be there to present what you believe is best.