Higher education and alienating people

[beatitude]

I work in a minimum-wage care job in a psychiatric unit for teenagers. We look after young people who are extremely unwell and most of them come from disadvantaged backgrounds. When I first arrived, I thought that the unit's teachers were being patronising and I was surprised by how basic the lessons were - I thought this could be partly why most of the patients don't attend classes. Everything seemed to focus on basic literacy and numeracy, and on general knowledge of the sort I acquired as a seven-year-old. Then I realised this is because this is the level these young people are at. It's partly because of how their mental health has disrupted their schooling, partly because of underlying disabilities, and mostly because of the home lives they've had.

There is one teenager on the ward who really dislikes me. At first I thought this was just part of her attachment difficulties (she struggles to make and keep good relationships with others) until I saw that I am the only staff member she dislikes consistently, with no change in attitude. Then I shrugged it off with, "Well, you can't be everybody's cup of tea, I'll just give her space." But over recent days she's said things that suggest she's alienated by my education level and she thinks I'm a show-off who judges her as stupid.

I nearly have a PhD. As I said, my job is minimum wage, which means it attracts people with no qualifications. I had tried to keep my PhD a secret, but the kids can tell I'm 'different' just because of my vocabulary. They sometimes ask what words mean, words I would have considered common knowledge. Some of them love this and they go around practising the words they've learned from me. But it's obviously making others upset and uncomfortable. I'm not sure how to handle it, as I can't tell in advance what they're likely to know and what they aren't, so I can't easily adjust my communication style. The other night we had a picnic and on seeing how much chocolate and cake one seventeen-year-old boy was eating, I joked that his pancreas would go on strike. He asked what the pancreas was. I told him, and he exclaimed, "How do you know all this stuff? Do you know everything?" That's when I saw the abovementioned girl was scowling at me, and without a word she got up and moved away. Later she complained to other staff members that she can't stand being around me.

I've read this girl's file. She's very bright, but she was excluded from school because of her emotional and behavioural difficulties, which were too severe for the school to meet. She was going to take her GCSE exams a year early but she ended up being barred from class and sent to a mental health unit instead. The last thing I want is for her to feel judged by me. I know that with her part of the problem is projection - she feels bad for how her life has turned out so far, and she assumes I must be judging her in the same harsh way she judges herself. But the nature of her problems means that we can't easily have a straight conversation about this.

I will be consulting my colleagues about this, but I want some Catholic advice too, as there is a spiritual component to this for me - I keep thinking of Paul's advice to be as Romans when in Rome. I'm just not sure how to do that. Your prayers are welcome even if you have nothing to suggest.

[Maggyie]

I remember my sister told me about one of her experiences in religious life - one of her fellow sisters thought she was "putting on airs" with her vocabulary. And she was given an example - the word "conclusive" for instance. Not sure if it was that exactly, but it was just good English you would expect anyone to know. I mean, she wasn't saying "lachrymose" instead of "sad." 

And she didn't know how to adjust because... That's just how an educated person speaks and it's hard to unnaturally change your speech pattern. 

So, no advice, but I know where you are coming from. 

[Sponsa-Christi]

Like Maggyie, I have no advice, but plenty of sympathy! 

I often struggle with the same thing. In catechetical/religious education circles especially, I've found that a strong academic background or a high vocabulary can often cause one to be labeled as "too unrelatable," and as such can really hurt your employment prospects. I think this sort of problem might even be worse or more widespread in the United States, since as a culture we tend to put a very high value on being an average "relatable" person, and "putting on airs" is kind of a social mortal sin.  

It's hard, because while of course I truly don't want to alienate anyone, there's only so much you can do to fit in without sort of morally twisting yourself into a pretzel! At the end of the day, you really can't be anyone other than yourself.

My years studying canon law were some of the best of my life, precisely because I always felt like I was one of the dumbest in my class! With my classmates, I could crack jokes, comment on what we were studying, be openly excited about "dorky" cultural pursuits, and just generally be myself without having to worry about offending or alienating anyone. 

[Era Might]

If you have some free time check out a book by Ivan Illich called "Celebration of Awareness." It's a collection of his essays, one of them is an essay he wrote as a priest in the 1950s entitled "Missionary Silence." He talks about silence as the real space for communication...it's only in our pauses and silences where we give way to the Other to speak, and he relates this to Mary and her own silence and willingness to listen. You're kind of a missionary in your role so even though Illich was writing in a different context (actual missionaries in Latin America), the dynamic is similar. I think of Elder Zossima in Dostoevsky's The Brothers Karamazov, who receives the father and sons for a counseling audience, and out of nowhere Zossima drops and prostrate before Dimitry, the sensual and violent brother. That's all he could do, bow in silence at the mystery before him.

Edited April 21, 2016 by Era Might

[Anomaly]

LOL.  Your higher education has nothing to do with it.  It is your behavior, speech, mannerisms.   Personally, I suspect you really think you should be liked and respected by the average personfor your intelligence and education.  That right there would imbue a scent of superiority in your interactions.

You may be better educated and smarter, but that doesn't make you better, nicer, more respectful or worthy of respect.  Expect respect for the  authority of your role / position, not for your superior mental prowess that probably comes off as honoring the noble savages or being the "overseer"    

If you think about it, you know you probably have the personality traits that would be respected an liked   Give it time and effort and avoid behaviors that come off as better educated or smarter.         Don't make jokes and avoid vocabulary that's over their head   Sure, many may be amazed at your word smithery, but some will take it as you being from a better, more privileged world that can't relate or sympathize, much less understand them.  

And reading some arcane literature to gain insightful perspective is just too meta if you're working to resolve a perception of elitism.   That made me laugh.  

 

[elizabeth09]

If you can, make the class more what they like to learn or do.  Make it fun to learn every day.  Ask if you could have a room pet.  Let your students pick the name.  

Don`t that one teenager get the best of you.

[Nihil Obstat]

23 minutes ago, Anomaly said:

LOL.  Your higher education has nothing to do with it.  It is your behavior, speech, mannerisms.   Personally, I suspect you really think you should be liked and respected by the average personfor your intelligence and education.  That right there would imbue a scent of superiority in your interactions.

You may be better educated and smarter, but that doesn't make you better, nicer, more respectful or worthy of respect.  Expect respect for the  authority of your role / position, not for your superior mental prowess that probably comes off as honoring the noble savages or being the "overseer"    

If you think about it, you know you probably have the personality traits that would be respected an liked   Give it time and effort and avoid behaviors that come off as better educated or smarter.         Don't make jokes and avoid vocabulary that's over their head   Sure, many may be amazed at your word smithery, but some will take it as you being from a better, more privileged world that can't relate or sympathize, much less understand them.  

And reading some arcane literature to gain insightful perspective is just too meta if you're working to resolve a perception of elitism.   That made me laugh.  

 

Lol, interesting reaction. Part of me thinks you are also projecting here, hardcore. The other part wonders if you are correct.

Both parts laughed at the last bit.

[Era Might]

50 minutes ago, Anomaly said:

LOL.  Your higher education has nothing to do with it.  It is your behavior, speech, mannerisms.   Personally, I suspect you really think you should be liked and respected by the average personfor your intelligence and education.  That right there would imbue a scent of superiority in your interactions.

You may be better educated and smarter, but that doesn't make you better, nicer, more respectful or worthy of respect.  Expect respect for the  authority of your role / position, not for your superior mental prowess that probably comes off as honoring the noble savages or being the "overseer"    

If you think about it, you know you probably have the personality traits that would be respected an liked   Give it time and effort and avoid behaviors that come off as better educated or smarter.         Don't make jokes and avoid vocabulary that's over their head   Sure, many may be amazed at your word smithery, but some will take it as you being from a better, more privileged world that can't relate or sympathize, much less understand them.  

And reading some arcane literature to gain insightful perspective is just too meta if you're working to resolve a perception of elitism.   That made me laugh.  

 

Not sure if that last bit was directed at me. Anyway, I thought your reaction was a little too harsh, though I hear what you're saying. I speak as a working class person who has never shed my working class personality, regardless of my education, but even I'm aware that it's difficult to speak to people who are on a different level intellectually. It's not necessarily about elitism or superioeity. Especially when you're dealing with young people, it's not just about education, but their lack of experience and perspective. Though, that's one of the problems with authority rols, you are expected to be something you aren't, and it's difficult to adapt in an authentic way.

[Anomaly]

3 minutes ago, Nihil Obstat said:

Lol, interesting reaction. Part of me thinks you are also projecting here, hardcore. The other part wonders if you are correct.

Both parts laughed at the last bit.

yur so smart. I shal abase myself  for progektin

 

But srsly, she was mystified at the teacher's lessons for things beatitude claims she learned when she was 7.  She is from a different universe of life experience so far.    What is automatically respected by the majority of people in her world so far, is meaningless or interpreted as something drastically opposed to how beatitude would intend even in a nightmare.

Patience, empathy, caring, and respect, aren't educated achievements, but traits she already has or she probably wouldn't be doing what she is doing.   Her superior knowledge and education can easily create a perception of patronizing in emotionally struggling teens that are naturally going to be suspicious and negative about adult/authority motives.   It's not about 'don't let some teen' get her down or defensive, but overcoming the other's distrust, defensiveness, and apparant disdain.  Kids aren't going to easily interpret a well educated and intelligent person working for minimum wage as being caring.  Many will see it as a "superior" going through the unpleasant prerequisites as they become established members of the hale and healthy Authorities.   Why would a pancreas joking supervisor want to deal with the bs from dumb defectives, unless it's just a mandatory but temporary task they couldn't get out of?

[CatherineM]

I'm told I'm intimidating. My Mom told me I needed to dumb myself down if I ever expected to get a husband. I work with similar kids and often do a word of the day with them. If you dumb down your speech, you're reinforcing with them that a lack of education isn't fixable. 

[beatitude]

Anomaly, as a child I was in special education myself and up until the age of fifteen (when I was correctly assessed and given appropriate support) I frequently failed exams and was written off as either not trying or just inadequate. If I produced good work, I was accused of copying or cheating. I ended up developing some behaviour problems myself because I didn't see the point in trying if this was all I got. My cognitive profile is all over the map - I was a very early reader and learned a lot from books, by myself, but because I couldn't grip a pencil in order to write anything down, I struggled with certain basic tasks (I still struggle to get a phone number in the correct order, for example), and my parents' jobs meant we never lived in one place for long, it took a while for me to be diagnosed and given the appropriate assistance. This also means that I still sometimes have a hard time working out what is 'typical' or not, what is likely to be common knowledge and what isn't. (Even studying developmental psychology hasn't helped much - that just shows that the concept of 'typical development' makes little sense, and leaves me with even less to go on.) At the other extreme, in other jobs I was accused of being patronising because I offered to help people with things that I personally experience as difficult but that to most people are easy. You've suggested that I adjust my vocabulary. I know I should do that, but it's not like I have two boxes in my head labelled 'fancypants words' and 'words that everyone will understand' - the problem was that I didn't realise this seventeen-year-old would not know what a pancreas was until it was too late.

As someone who spent most of her childhood being called names like retard and being badly bullied for stupidity, I don't think that I should be respected for intelligence's sake. My first job was with people who have profound intellectual disabilities, where I fought very hard against the use of labels like 'low-functioning' to describe them, because they are demeaning and they make us underestimate people. I also recognise that there are all different types of intelligence, and people learn in different ways. I understand that  "kids aren't going to easily interpret a well educated and intelligent person working for minimum wage as being caring", but because of the professional boundaries that we have to maintain, I can't explain to them that part of my motivation in working with them is personal experience of what it's like to be underestimated for years and written off as stupid or useless. I can't tell them that I have a support worker myself and that it doesn't make you 'defective' to need help with certain things. And because I know what it's like, the last thing I would want is to add to the feeling. I'm just not sure how to avoid it when I'm so circumscribed in what I can share about myself.

Paradoxically, given my earlier experiences, I was the first person in my family to graduate high school, let alone university. Given this, I know for a fact that higher education can come across as very alienating to people, which is why I assume it could be a factor here.

[Gabriela]

6 hours ago, Anomaly said:

LOL.  Your higher education has nothing to do with it.  It is your behavior, speech, mannerisms.   Personally, I suspect you really think you should be liked and respected by the average personfor your intelligence and education.  That right there would imbue a scent of superiority in your interactions.

You may be better educated and smarter, but that doesn't make you better, nicer, more respectful or worthy of respect.  Expect respect for the  authority of your role / position, not for your superior mental prowess that probably comes off as honoring the noble savages or being the "overseer"    

If you think about it, you know you probably have the personality traits that would be respected an liked   Give it time and effort and avoid behaviors that come off as better educated or smarter.         Don't make jokes and avoid vocabulary that's over their head   Sure, many may be amazed at your word smithery, but some will take it as you being from a better, more privileged world that can't relate or sympathize, much less understand them.  

And reading some arcane literature to gain insightful perspective is just too meta if you're working to resolve a perception of elitism.   That made me laugh.  

What in the world? Did you read some twisted version of the OP? beatitude said she doesn't know how to do the things you're suggesting here, and your "suspicions" are totally unjustified and rude. Maybe you're just having a bad day, or have had bad experiences with highly educated people yourself, but whatever the case is, you should really apologize for this post.

@beatitude: I encounter this sort of thing myself. I usually just avoid such people, but I understand you can't, as you work with the girl, and you have a duty to care for her. If there's any kind of creative way you can come up with to show her that you don't judge her, and that you do care about her, I would do that. You know she's intelligent, and so is probably just angry that you got the education she knows she should have. Is there any way you can show her that you know she's intelligent? To show her you believe in her? Would sharing your own struggles and similar history to hers—even if only indirectly, through other people—help her to see that she's misjudged you and you believe she can achieve the same education you have? I know sharing that personal info makes you vulnerable, but if it could help her to see that you're someone she actually can relate to, then it might be worth the risk.

Edited April 22, 2016 by Gabriela

[bardegaulois]

On 4/21/2016, 3:04:16, beatitude said:

I work in a minimum-wage care job in a psychiatric unit for teenagers. We look after young people who are extremely unwell and most of them come from disadvantaged backgrounds. When I first arrived, I thought that the unit's teachers were being patronising and I was surprised by how basic the lessons were - I thought this could be partly why most of the patients don't attend classes. Everything seemed to focus on basic literacy and numeracy, and on general knowledge of the sort I acquired as a seven-year-old. Then I realised this is because this is the level these young people are at. It's partly because of how their mental health has disrupted their schooling, partly because of underlying disabilities, and mostly because of the home lives they've had.

There is one teenager on the ward who really dislikes me. At first I thought this was just part of her attachment difficulties (she struggles to make and keep good relationships with others) until I saw that I am the only staff member she dislikes consistently, with no change in attitude. Then I shrugged it off with, "Well, you can't be everybody's cup of tea, I'll just give her space." But over recent days she's said things that suggest she's alienated by my education level and she thinks I'm a show-off who judges her as stupid.

I nearly have a PhD. As I said, my job is minimum wage, which means it attracts people with no qualifications. I had tried to keep my PhD a secret, but the kids can tell I'm 'different' just because of my vocabulary. They sometimes ask what words mean, words I would have considered common knowledge. Some of them love this and they go around practising the words they've learned from me. But it's obviously making others upset and uncomfortable. I'm not sure how to handle it, as I can't tell in advance what they're likely to know and what they aren't, so I can't easily adjust my communication style. The other night we had a picnic and on seeing how much chocolate and cake one seventeen-year-old boy was eating, I joked that his pancreas would go on strike. He asked what the pancreas was. I told him, and he exclaimed, "How do you know all this stuff? Do you know everything?" That's when I saw the abovementioned girl was scowling at me, and without a word she got up and moved away. Later she complained to other staff members that she can't stand being around me.

I've read this girl's file. She's very bright, but she was excluded from school because of her emotional and behavioural difficulties, which were too severe for the school to meet. She was going to take her GCSE exams a year early but she ended up being barred from class and sent to a mental health unit instead. The last thing I want is for her to feel judged by me. I know that with her part of the problem is projection - she feels bad for how her life has turned out so far, and she assumes I must be judging her in the same harsh way she judges herself. But the nature of her problems means that we can't easily have a straight conversation about this.

I will be consulting my colleagues about this, but I want some Catholic advice too, as there is a spiritual component to this for me - I keep thinking of Paul's advice to be as Romans when in Rome. I'm just not sure how to do that. Your prayers are welcome even if you have nothing to suggest.

It's looking like almost every other thread here lately is dealing intellectualism and how it can be potentially off-putting to others. I've experienced some of this myself, and the only way I've ever resolved this is simply by being kind. Some of my students have noted my style of dress and the register of my speech and come to an immediate respect for me. Others have initially seen me as a towering figure looking down from his lofty height upon them. I could only resolve this by being kind and engaging, asking them about their lives, their classes, heck, even their favourite sports teams now and again, just in an attempt to establish a rapport. It's often worked, but sometimes it hasn't.

A possible caution, though, would be against dumbing-down your speech intentionally. People can tell a phony from a mile away. If we think back to our youths, remember that there was nothing more pathetic than a baby-boomer attempting to use what they thought was our young, hip lingo. Don't be like them. Let all communication flow from your rapport with others.

[Gabriela]

5 hours ago, bardegaulois said:

A possible caution, though, would be against dumbing-down your speech intentionally. People can tell a phony from a mile away. If we think back to our youths, remember that there was nothing more pathetic than a baby-boomer attempting to use what they thought was our young, hip lingo. Don't be like them. Let all communication flow from your rapport with others.

Excellent point. Young people especially have extremely well-tuned BS-detectors.

Also, genuineness is always more attractive than fakeness.

[xSilverPhinx]

On 4/23/2016, 1:11:18, Gabriela said:

Excellent point. Young people especially have extremely well-tuned BS-detectors.

Also, genuineness is always more attractive than fakeness.

I agree with this.