Just ended my relationship to return to the Church...

[Aragon]

I am a guy and I just broke up with my boyfriend because I've been wanting to return to the Church these last few months. I feel very empty inside. Not happy, not sad, just empty. Blank. Maybe the sadness will come later. I love this boy very much, and he has been so good and kind to me. I feel so worried that if I follow the teaching of the Church I am going to live a very lonely life. I don't know why I've done this (grace? insanity? both?), but at this point in my life I feel I just need to fix my relationship with God, and I know I can't do that without the Eucharist. 

Please, if you have any advice (or experience) help me out. Otherwise, please pray for me and for him.

[beatitude]

You're in my prayers. You have done a brave thing. Reading your post, the image of Peter stepping out of the boat to walk on water came to mind.

The fear of loneliness is a very real thing for me too, because unlike a religious sister I don't have other people around me. I live out vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience in my daily life and in my own home, and all the other members of my secular institute are much older and live in other countries. Sometimes I do get scared about what life might be like after my parents die. I'm twenty-nine and the past couple of years have been especially tough, because lots of my friends are getting married. The nature of our friendship changes, and sometimes it just feels sad that I won't have that kind of relationship and companionship. Your sense is right - keep close to the Eucharist. Go to Adoration, or just pray before the tabernacle.

We can focus so much on what we give up to live single lives that we don't talk much about what we gain from living close to Jesus, in the same state of life he lived in. Right now it might be hard for you to consider that aspect, as you've just broken up with someone you love, but it's there and you will find it. I can promise you it isn't bleak, and I'll pray that the man you were with will also be blessed through your faith.

I would write more, but I have to get to work. God bless you.

[NadaTeTurbe]

I have been a while since the last time I watch it, but I remember correctly, this movie : https://everlastinghills.org/movie/ have the testimony of men and women who broke up with their same-sex partner to go back to the Church. Maybe it can help you. 

Praying for you  

[Era Might]

Read "The Long Loneliness" by Dorothy Day. She also left someone she loved and had a daughter with, to enter the church. She remained celibate for the rest of her life, and she was a lusty woman...I suspect she did so out of great sacrifice, she was no nun, and though she found her calling in community, in many ways community life was a lonely life for her. But it was her calling, and a real vocation is always a terrible thing.

Edited April 6, 2016 by Era Might

[Guest]

Prayers man. I'm 35 in 4 months and I honestly don't think I will ever get married. I just have the gut feeling that I will be single the rest of my life. I don't casually date just to date. I've accepted I'll be single forever and I'm cool with it. I've accepted loneliness and it doesn't bother me that much. I struggle with purity though. It seems impossible sometimes. So your struggle is with males and mine females. If we give over ourselves to our passions we both will be in trouble at judgment. So I guess we need to try our best and go to Confession frequently. Prayers.

"The man who fears to be alone will never be anything but lonely, no matter how much he may surround himself with people. But the man who learns, in solitude and recollection, to be at peace with his own loneliness, and to prefer its reality to the illusion of merely natural companionship, comes to know the invisible companionship of God." - Thomas Merton

Edited April 6, 2016 by Guest

[Benedictus]

Major personal decisions can often be very painful, a major sacrifice. I hope the other guy can come to understand, if he doesn't already, that you've felt conflicted and that your decision was motivated with good intentions after a long and deep struggle.

In my experience you can be in a relationship or in a room full of people and still feel lonely. Most people, whether they marry or whatever, will still have periods in their lives where they will feel and or be alone. We can't escape ourselves forever.

I found that, at least in some respects, I wasn't happy to be alone with myself because I wasn't sure I'd really like what I saw. I'd fill the silence and time with any distractions possible, including other people, but not with totally pure intentions! That fear of feeling unloved, unworthy and not redeemable etc can be tough to face. Taking time out to work on yourself, and your relationship with God, is a positive one. 

My journey led to a religious vocation, something I'd not thought sane a decade ago. The formation is hard too, but there's plenty of joy because I know I'm growing. The step out wasn't easy though and I've had great sacrifices. My mother hasn't spoken to me for maybe a year now, she feels I betray all the values she believes in. She has been sick too, it's difficult.  But I know I can't follow what I feel called to do and to be.

Things can feel fearful, especially when starting out on a path and or trying to not feel lost. But you've already shown you have strength and a wish for personal integrity. Take your time and don't be too hard on yourself! Seek God out, amidst the pain and fear. He is there. Death of any sort hurts, but it allows us space for new life too. We are called, moment to moment, to that new life in God. 

Prayers for you both.

 

[Not A Real Name]

I feel I'm at a crossroads as well with someone I love. It's very difficult to let go and feel like what you are doing is the right move. Sometimes I feel like God is just interested in seeing me perpetually sad, but in my heart I know that's not the case.  He's just trying to teach me that true love is Him and His will and it's difficult for Him to teach me this when I want to hold onto my own imperfect version of "love".  I know another large part of this issue is my fear of being alone, and while I know that with God I am never truly alone, there is a lack of faith on my end to fully commit to this belief; to fully put my trust in God and let Him be my everything.  The other understanding is that I could never say I truly love this person if what I decide is a life with them that is against God's will. No. That could not be possible. In the end I would be "loving" them at the cost of both of our souls and that is not love at all. 

I guess if you can take away anything from this, then may the understanding that your decision to come back was the most loving thing you could have ever done for that boy, Aragon.   By doing what you have done, you have showed that you truly love him.  I hope that gives you some type of peace and I will pray for you both. 

Edited April 6, 2016 by Not A Real Name

[enitharmon]

 

Invest in friendship, and have committed relationships with friends. I strongly recommend Wesley Hill's book, Spiritual Friendship. He also blogs, with other like-minded (celibate gay Christian) people, at https://spiritualfriendship.org/

 

[Nihil Obstat]

Aragon, cling to Christ and His Church. Frequent the sacraments. Your conviction to allow your conscience to be formed by Catholic teaching, and even more, to follow your conscience even at great personal expense, proves that you are open to great grace. We will pray for you, of course.

[Gabriela]

You've gotten outstanding advice already. It's threads like these that make me proud to be a Phatmasser. @Josh: I think that's the best post I've ever seen you make.

I can't add much to what's been said except to say that I have been alone most of my life, and all of my adult life, and while at first it terrified me, once I realized that a relationship was society's ideal and that I am actually naturally quite suited to solitude, I was fine. All I had to do was accept it, and then everything changed. If you are not suited to solitude by nature, then recognize that, at the very least, a period of not being in a relationship is good for everyone, for their personal growth and their growth in relationship to God.

That being said, I would encourage you to take some time to grieve, and then to throw yourself into service of others, while ensuring that you have sufficient support for yourself (a Courage chapter?). Serving others will fill that emptiness very quickly, in a way so joyful and peaceful that you can't even imagine it now.

Is there some organization that you admire that you could volunteer for once or twice a week? Think about it when you're ready.

I will pray for you, Aragon.

[Aragon]

Thank you to everyone. I wish I had time to reply to you all individually.

I guess loneliness is something all people fear, married or unmarried. I've been reading 'Gay and Catholic' by Eve Tushnet (great book, regardless of your sexual preferences) and she speaks about the need for celibate Christians to create a community of support and love for themselves by cultivating devoted and loving friendships based on the mutual pursuit of holiness (she calls them spiritual friendships, similar to the author you were talking about @enitharmon). She even discusses gay couples who converted together choosing to remain committed friends and share their life together. Maybe this is something that's a possibility for me.

Right now I am living in my own apartment which was fine when I was in a relationship because my partner would always come over. It feels so empty and quiet now though. Maybe if I want to be happy longterm I should consider moving in with some friends. I wish I were like you, @Gabriela, but I don't do well on my own.

I planned on going to confession today and getting back into a state of grace, but I don't know if I'm ready for that just yet. I might give it a few days.

Anyway, thanks again for all your prayers and kind words. I really appreciate it.

[BarbTherese]

21 hours ago, Aragon said:

I am a guy and I just broke up with my boyfriend because I've been wanting to return to the Church these last few months. I feel very empty inside. Not happy, not sad, just empty. Blank. Maybe the sadness will come later. I love this boy very much, and he has been so good and kind to me. I feel so worried that if I follow the teaching of the Church I am going to live a very lonely life. I don't know why I've done this (grace? insanity? both?), but at this point in my life I feel I just need to fix my relationship with God, and I know I can't do that without the Eucharist. 

Please, if you have any advice (or experience) help me out. Otherwise, please pray for me and for him.

What a very courageous move.

God bless you richly and grant you His Consolation.  Keeping you in prayer.

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted;
and those who are crushed in spirit he saves.
Many are the troubles of the just man,
but out of them all the LORD delivers him."  Mass Readings for 7th April 2016

..........."............... It takes trust on our part to recognize that we need God.  A lot of people don’t trust God because they don’t think they need God.  But no matter who we are, we are without our own self-sufficiency and in need of God’s benevolence…..not just to meet our material needs, but our spiritual needs.  We are spiritually poorly clothed, homeless, and hungry in the eyes of God when we desperately seek refuge in the Lord for our troubles…and we all have plenty of troubles.  But the Lord hears us out of that poverty.  We are distressed by the evil that surrounds us when we cry out to the Lord to save us.  And the Lord hears us and rescues us from weakness.  And the greatest poverty we experience is when we are lost, alone and brokenhearted in this world.  Our spirits are so easily crushed to emptiness.  But the Lord comes to us and delivers us from this poverty of spirit.  The Psalm response today assures us that we can trust that the Lord hears the cry of the poor….we poor things….lost, alone, empty, guilty, frightened, brokenhearted, and in so many ways, in dire distress.  But in all of these instances of our poverty, God is trustworthy."    Excerpt from Creighton Ministries website for 7th April 2016

 

 

[Ash Wednesday]

I will keep you both in my prayers, and particularly be remembering your intentions at daily mass tomorrow, and in front of the Blessed Sacrament next week.

I don't share your same experience in particular, but I am no stranger to suffering and have recently endured one of the hardest years of my life -- it seems to me that growing closer to God often doesn't involve harps, angels and rainbows -- it often involves suffering and a cross.

May God draw you both closer to him and give you consolation. Again my prayers are with you.

[Seven77]

Prayers for you.  And God bless you for your correspondence with his grace. 

 Because of my situation, having a chronic disability, I have decided at least for now (although I am open to it) not to get married.  It is difficult for me when I think about it but God gave me the grace to be somewhat at peace with it because I've accepted it. Accepting the will of God is something that ultimately brings peace and joy as I am sure you will find.

[PhuturePriest]

I can't offer anything in the way of advice, but I just want to say I think what you are doing is incredibly brave. Rest assured I will add you and your ex in my prayer intentions.

Also, I don't know if you like him much or not, but Saint John Paul II is one of my favorite Saints, and whenever I'm feeling wary of the future, I like to think of a quote he gave which I find very comforting: "Have no fear of moving into the unknown. Simply step out fearlessly knowing that I am with you."