Discipline in the consecrated single life

[beatitude]

I think I'm the only Phatmasser who is following a vocation to consecrated life in the world, but I could be wrong (and if I post more about it, maybe I will attract some more of us! ). Today I had one of my spells of wishing I could just join a religious community, because I was frustrated by my lack of self-discipline and my selfishness and I wondered how I could ever wrestle these into submission without a community behind me. I have thought of a few little mortifications to help (choosing my meal from the work canteen by rote rather than by preference, for example, and volunteering for tasks at work that no one usually wants to do) but it is an uphill struggle. The challenge of this way of life is not to become insular, or to take refuge from the hard things (especially loneliness) in comforts like sleep, favourite foods, nice activities, etc. I want to know how other people following this way of life meet that challenge, especially younger adults, but I don't know very many to ask. So I'm throwing it out here for general discussion.

[enitharmon]

Sorry if I am betraying my ignorance, but what do you mean by "consecrated life in the world"?
 

[beatitude]

The evangelical counsels (poverty, chastity, and obedience) as lived in secular institutes as opposed to religious institutes. Secular institute members usually live alone, for one thing, and that comes with specific challenges.

(And if someone is curious enough to ask about something, they're automatically not ignorant. )

[Feankie]

One suggestion....why not try to do everything, and I do mean everything, to the best of your ability, not just hum-drum or rote.  Try doing everything for an audience of One ----- Jesus.  Give Him your very best effort from the moment you wake up and brush your teeth to the moment your eyes close in sleep at night.  It will really help with the self-discipline you're looking for as well as the selfishness.  I tried this by putting sticky notes all around my house, office, and even in my purse that just said "One" to help me remember.

[BarbTherese]

I am in no way young at cruising along to 71yrs age.

I would discern with a secular institute if there was a community where I could have face to face contact periodically and whose focus was a charism similar to mine.  There isn't one.  I have made private vows to the evangelical counsels (30yrs standing) which probably means that I do have similar problems to a member of a secular institute who is living alone in the general community.  My vow of obedience is to my rule of life (approved by my SD).  My rule also defines how I will live out poverty and chastity.

How do I cope with problems that might come up?  I try to sneak up on them rather than to cure them in the one big leap - i.e. I am not harsh on myself and my prayerful hope is that that will translate to being gentle with and about others.  I try to never be discouraged in failure or failures i.e. I do try to regard myself as a broken creature where failures are not at all surprising, rather it is any virtue that surprises.  I try very hard, very hard indeed, to keep a sense of humour - i.e. about the funny and absurd in all things - especially myself. Finally, I try not to focus on myself but rather on The Lord and His creation...........in fact on anything BUT myself.  All around me every single day is The Lord and His creation.  When I am at home and alone, it is my duties on which I focus (whatever I need to do to keep the garden and residence of Bethany clean and operating) - there are also prayer times, Gospel meditation or Lectio Divina and spiritual reading.  Relaxation is important too.  When out and about I try to focus on others.

There have been times in the past (and could occur in the future too) where I have been quite insular and taken refuge in comfort foods, TV etc.  I do not harass myself because of this weakness.  I pray and ask The Lord to help me move out of the state and onwards along the path He has chosen for me..............and in the past, eventually my insular experience with comforts do pass.  No reason to think they wont in the future if and when they occur.  It is not at all easy at times to live alone.

I do think that St Therese hit the nail on the head that if one actually knows and experiences oneself as quite weak and in need of constant help and Grace, The Lord comes speedily to one's aid.  I think that this attitude of being a weak creature does make one very happy and content with quite small victories which one attributes to The Lord and His Grace and nothing else.  Nor is one surprised when weakness becomes evident and assertive.  Also, one never asks of oneself anything great in the spiritual realm, one is very content indeed with the very small and insignificant and perhaps the smaller and more insignificant the more content and happy one is.

If I should begin to be concerned about where I am spirituality (or not knowing where I am is more accurate - I never do), then I know that I am focusing on myself and, indeed, thinking that I might be better than in fact I am..........able to achieve bigger things and not at all so.  I leave where I am spiritually in the hands of my SD/Confessor and The Lord.

The problem, it seems to me, is if I could attain something big and important, I would become inflated with myself knowing myself as I do.  Of course, I need note, that is all in my imagination.  Doubtless when God calls a person to something big and important, He grants the Grace of humility in truth.  Such a person sights with great - even amazing - clarity that Grace has done all the work and it was Grace that enabled him or her to respond to Grace. 

My thirty year or so journey with private vows has not been in a straight line at all.   It has been an amazing journey of many twists and turns - up and down creeks, round and round bends.  But always, God and His Grace has brought me back to the very same path that began 30 years ago or so and continues today.

 

[bardegaulois]

1 hour ago, beatitude said:

I think I'm the only Phatmasser who is following a vocation to consecrated life in the world, but I could be wrong (and if I post more about it, maybe I will attract some more of us! ). Today I had one of my spells of wishing I could just join a religious community, because I was frustrated by my lack of self-discipline and my selfishness and I wondered how I could ever wrestle these into submission without a community behind me. I have thought of a few little mortifications to help (choosing my meal from the work canteen by rote rather than by preference, for example, and volunteering for tasks at work that no one usually wants to do) but it is an uphill struggle. The challenge of this way of life is not to become insular, or to take refuge from the hard things (especially loneliness) in comforts like sleep, favourite foods, nice activities, etc. I want to know how other people following this way of life meet that challenge, especially younger adults, but I don't know very many to ask. So I'm throwing it out here for general discussion.

As an unmarried fellow in his 30s, I don't really know how much I can add, except to say that I empathize with you a lot. When St Paul addressed the widows and virgins of the primitive church, he was addressing a members of a much more tightly knit community of Christians than we find today, and, likewise, we can look at more recent saints, like Catherine of Siena making her cell within her father's house, as having the natural community of their family. Nowhere, really, do we find the issue of the atomized adult, like we see (and are) so often in this present day addressed, and his striving for community, both a natural and a theological good.

I can say from my own experience that I once dove into my work and in assisting others with what they might request, only to find myself running on fumes by the end of a semester, and resolving that I'd need to trim back my obligations in order to spend more time in silence, solitude, prayer, and study. As an aside note, interestingly enough, I've never felt more alone than in those times where I wasn't able to have my solitude. I've heard men religious say that they must live a vocation to the charism of their founder, and not to be at the beck and call of either the secular clergy or the laity. Thus, their life and their apostolate must be ordered around that charism. One living alone in the world really ought to start wondering what their personal charism is, why the Holy Spirit has selected you to live this particular lifestyle. This is a matter that takes a lot of self-knowledge. There are many different religious communities, each with a different charism, and likewise many different families, each with a different set of common values. These families and communities were founded by individuals with a particular purpose that God wished them to instill in others. So what is yours?

It's a question of fundamental identity: know thyself. Knowing this, one can then order one's life and one's work around it. That is what makes the charism fertile, rather than simply the stagnant holding pattern that a life of indiscriminate service can often become. One of the great skills to learn here, thus, is learning to say no.

Lastly, I'd think it good to be open to others with similar identity, charism, and values, for they are likely struggling as much as you are with this, and there is strength and accountability in union. Among diocesan priests, who generally live alone in the world, we hear much of how brother priests should usually support each other, but often don't see much of it. Many of their failings that we often hear about--drinking problems, affairs, and so forth--stems, I would strongly aver, from overwork and from loneliness due to their lack of a community, which can lead to frustration about the matter of their vocation, by which I mean their core identity not merely as a priest but as a person. I think our situation might be very similar to that. Not to marry or enter religion does not mean that one must live as a hermit, and, faced with your stated desire not to be insular, the best way to avoid this is by forming a strong community with those of like mind.

Hope this helps.

[beatitude]

Thank you, especially to bardegaulois. There are some terrific insights here for me to think about and pray over. I tried to write a more detailed response to you all, but I realised I was just rambling, so I will save it for when things are clearer in my mind!

[bardegaulois]

7 hours ago, beatitude said:

Thank you, especially to bardegaulois. There are some terrific insights here for me to think about and pray over. I tried to write a more detailed response to you all, but I realised I was just rambling, so I will save it for when things are clearer in my mind!

You're quite welcome, Beatitude. I could go on more about this dilemma, which I face as well, and which I believe affects far more people than we might at first think. This matter has, incidentally, dominated my thinking for the past couple of weeks. Nonetheless, I think it best to await your reply first.

[beatitude]

I've been thinking about solitude and loneliness, the difference between them, and my need for both. My institute was founded in the tradition of Bl. Charles de Foucauld, Little Brother Charles of Jesus, who lived and died alone and wrote a rule of life for companions who never came until after his death. I link my own wish for company and solidarity to his. I'm sure his solitude and even his loneliness must have shaped his spirituality, so really my isolation is an invitation to read the Gospel sitting next to him, with the same insights he gained.

That said, I still need a community. Brother Charles did have one among the Tuareg people he lived with, even though it wasn't the community of vowed religious brothers he hoped for. I need to pray and find my own. I think one step is to suggest to the other women in the institute that we make a better website. The English version is very skimpy and it's difficult for people to find us. Then I might suggest an informal weekly Bible study to some friends.

This is a brief English-language description of the institute. Its mission is "to bring God's love especially to neglected children." In light of this, bardegaulois's question about identifying my personal charism is interesting - until now I have only thought about the institute's charism, with its focus on "the poor man of Nazareth", a hidden life, the Blessed Sacrament, and what this means for our mission. But I know that charism is about much more than what you do; it's also what you are. I had never really thought about this in such a personal way before: what is my own purpose in this place?

[sr.christinaosf]

Thank you for your life, consecrated in the world!  

I couldn't help, reading your earlier comment about almost wishing you could be in community for help with self-discipline, thinking about that.  Those of us in community don't automatically have a smooth road of self-discipline.  We still need to try to keep ourselves in line; it's not like someone is looking over our shoulder at every move. We have a rule/constitutions to guide us, but we also have personal accountability.

[beatitude]

Thank you for that reminder, Sister Christina. I know that if I lived in a community my problems would not go away, but I think when I'm struggling I slip into the grass-is-greener mentality - everything looks easier on the other side of the fence!

[NadaTeTurbe]

You're working in a hospital, right ? Is there in your diocese something for people who works in health-related area ? There's one in my diocese - the members have meetings to share their experience, mass for them, formation, national meetings etc... Maybe you find something like that, so you can link your professional life and your faith. 

[beatitude]

1 minute ago, NadaTeTurbe said:

You're working in a hospital, right ? Is there in your diocese something for people who works in health-related area ? There's one in my diocese - the members have meetings to share their experience, mass for them, formation, national meetings etc... Maybe you find something like that, so you can link your professional life and your faith. 

I know some religious sisters who run an annual retreat for healthcare workers, but there is nothing regular at the diocesan level that I know of. Maybe I should start something. I am going to be doing my clinical training in speech and language therapy from September, so I could reach out to Catholic healthcare students too! This is a great idea. Thanks Nada.

[bardegaulois]

7 hours ago, beatitude said:

I've been thinking about solitude and loneliness, the difference between them, and my need for both. My institute was founded in the tradition of Bl. Charles de Foucauld, Little Brother Charles of Jesus, who lived and died alone and wrote a rule of life for companions who never came until after his death. I link my own wish for company and solidarity to his. I'm sure his solitude and even his loneliness must have shaped his spirituality, so really my isolation is an invitation to read the Gospel sitting next to him, with the same insights he gained.

That said, I still need a community. Brother Charles did have one among the Tuareg people he lived with, even though it wasn't the community of vowed religious brothers he hoped for. I need to pray and find my own. I think one step is to suggest to the other women in the institute that we make a better website. The English version is very skimpy and it's difficult for people to find us. Then I might suggest an informal weekly Bible study to some friends.

This is a brief English-language description of the institute. Its mission is "to bring God's love especially to neglected children." In light of this, bardegaulois's question about identifying my personal charism is interesting - until now I have only thought about the institute's charism, with its focus on "the poor man of Nazareth", a hidden life, the Blessed Sacrament, and what this means for our mission. But I know that charism is about much more than what you do; it's also what you are. I had never really thought about this in such a personal way before: what is my own purpose in this place?

So I think that the next big question to ask is not what it means to be a spiritual daughter of Bl Charles de Foucauld. Rather, how are you, Beatitude, a spiritual daughter of Bl Charles de Foucauld? Your institute no doubt appealed to you at some point, but now it's time to assess not what about the institute appealed to you, but instead what it is within you that caused it to appeal so strongly: why is it that my institute seemed to best path for salvation for me? Perhaps it is even within your rights to speak with the superior who accepted you for formation, and ask: I know why I chose you, but why did you choose me?

Looking a little at the varying communities and congregations taking their inspiration from Foucauld, moreover, in order to get a better sense of their charism, I see they have a strong emphasis on making their community among those that they find around themselves. I see a lot of stress upon "sharing the daily life and work of ordinary people," particularly those who are poor or disadvantaged. Now, granted that I'm very unfamiliar with Foucauld, but it looks in many ways like the path to community is spelled out for you already. Working as a teacher myself, I know how important it is for a professional to have strong boundaries with those he serves. It looks like quite a dilemma: how do you accord your professional vocation as a speech therapist with your personal vocation as a member of an institute based on Foucauld's spirituality? I don't have an answer to that. Maybe your fellow-members do. Maybe other Catholic health-workers, as Nada suggested, do. I'd say that it's a matter that requires a lot of supplication and openness to grace.

I'm sorry if this seems to convolute the issue somewhat more, but sometimes we don't need answers. Instead we just need a set of very good, refined questions. Be assured of my prayers, Beatitude.