Domestic Violence

[CatherineM]

Does anyone have experience with it?  Specifically a loved one in a relationship with an abuser and keeps going back. I'm being driven crazy at the moment. I want to be supportive but at the same time I'm tired of spending time and money on escapes that last a day or two at most. 

[BarbTherese]

I have experienced something similar, though mild abuse in the verbal/emotional only.  Nor were the relationships very close relationships.

Established abuse can be a very serious matter since it can escalate (sometimes without warning) into the extremely serious indeed.

The one being abused probably needs counselling to understand the circle  (as I call it) he or she has got themselves into - and abusive situations are usually circular.  One is abused, the abuser apologisers with promised guarantees it wont happen again (or similar), things go ok for a while and then the abuse begins again ............ and the circle begins again.   The one being abused may need counselling to understand the circle that has been established.  It can be extremely difficult to leave an abusive relationship.  One may love the abuser, as strange as that might sound.  One may be afraid of the unknown if one leaves an abusive situation.  There may be other factors too.  Most often the person who leaves an abusive close relationship needs much support on a few levels.  The unknown can be quite fearful .........a sort of "better the devil I know than the one I don't" type of attitude.

The other thing I now realise which I had forgotten for a while in my own situation is that as much as one may desire to do so, one just cannot 'save' everyone short of a miracle.  I cannot make decisions for them, they have to decide how to live their own lives.  One can try to help, but if one is getting nowhere, then it might be time to bow out.   I keep my situation in prayer as I fully realise it is an unfolding and fluid type of situation........most situations are.  I have a saying for myself "I rarely put full stop, end of story, unless I really must".  At times, not often, I have needed to do so.  And sometimes, when a clear circle as it were has become established and one is going round and round and getting nowhere - it is not helpful for oneself, nor to the other either to remain in the circle with them.  Breaking a circle is changing the established situation and pattern of behaviours within that circle in which you too have become involved - and the very fact of changing (your) behaviour is changing the situation too, breaking the circle.  This just may trigger more helpful decisions by the other person/person being abused............but this is not guaranteed of course.

Are you in a circle?  And if so, what is in your ability to break the circle?  How serious is the abuse?

It might be very helpful to discuss face to face your situation with say a priest or religious.  I find writing is helpful and can be cathartic and any advice very helpful - as can (for me) talking face to face quite straightforwardly with someone I know who is most often sort of 'on the same wavelength' as me.

You might need counselling or expert advice to know what is the best move for yourself in the situation and for the situation.  I think that abuse always has some level of seriousness.

Edit - I know the word I was looking for "facilitate".  Do you think you could be facilitating the situation by your support? Not intentionally of course.  In my own situation and talking with Father about it, he said "You don't take an alchoholic to a hotel, do you"  With those words, I realised that I was facilitating negative behaviour, digging fertile soil for it, by staying in the situation and established circle (with the very best of intentions). 

But I tend to think that you might need expert advice if the person is in a situation where the abuse is serious - and I am taking it that there is a level of seriousness, since the one abused keeps leaving the abuser.

[CatherineM]

We've had lots of advice. He takes none of it. Hardest part is that the abuser here is a female on male. No resources for males except for same sex relationships. He can't call the police because they don't believe males can be abused. 

[NadaTeTurbe]

12 minutes ago, CatherineM said:

We've had lots of advice. He takes none of it. Hardest part is that the abuser here is a female on male. No resources for males except for same sex relationships. He can't call the police because they don't believe males can be abused. 

http://new.mankind.org.uk/ if he's in the UK, this is an hotline for abused men 

http://www.oneinthree.com.au/servicesandresources/ general ressource, but most of them in Australia

http://www.humanservices.alberta.ca/documents/PFVB1100-men-abused-by-women-booklet.pdf a guide for men abused by women. go to page 9 and 10 

http://help4guys.org/ help for men in the US

http://www.safeaustin.org/we-serve-everyone/men/ shelter who welcome men in Texas

http://www.batteredmen.com/

https://1in6.org/family-and-friends/ Ressource for the family and friend of men victims of domestic abuse 

I hope it can help. All of my prayers are with you. 

[Archaeology cat]

 I'm sorry. I've no advice, just prayers. I hate that there aren't resources there for him. Men suffering abuse need help just as much as women (and there's more of a stigma for them, too, I'd imagine).

[CatherineM]

Since he's developmentally disabled, he has two social workers. One with disability services and one at the clinic at the U of A hospital. He has a psychiatrist and a psychologist experienced with abuse issues but she doesn't allow him to attend therapy. The most the social workers have ever done is talk to her to tell her she should be nicer to him.

He is only allowed to leave the house to go to work, to walk her 8 year old to and from school, and to take a drive with us to visit, and then only when we pay her $100. That gets old. 

[Lil Red]

On March 15, 2016 5:15:35 PM, CatherineM said:

Does anyone have experience with it?  Specifically a loved one in a relationship with an abuser and keeps going back. I'm being driven crazy at the moment. I want to be supportive but at the same time I'm tired of spending time and money on escapes that last a day or two at most. 

My sister was in an abusive relationship and my parents helped her get out several times. They never placed conditions on her leaving, or accepting their help. They just offered every time to come get her (she lived hundreds of miles away), to house her, to feed her, never preached at her, never disparaged her abuser to her. She would go back every time. Finally there came a point where she stayed with my parents. They never gave up hope. They never gave up helping her.

Just keep trying. Just keep offering that hope. Keep the lines of communication open at all times. Love them at all turns.