Catholic Jokes

[BarbTherese]

15 hours ago, missionseeker said:

What did Jesus say at the Last Supper? 

 

 

If you wanna be in the picture, get on this side of the table! 

[DominicanHeart]

6 hours ago, BarbaraTherese said:

Oh oh I got one! One of my Priests told this to us and then I told him to tell it again on Palm Sunday so he did just for me.

As we know, Joseph of Arimithea owned the tomb Jesus was buried in. On Good Friday after it was over and he went home, he told his wife what happened. She started screaming at him. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? WE WORKED SO HARD ON THAT GARDEN AND THAT TOMB! etc. The more she screamed the more he smiled. Finally she said WHAT? Why are you smiling?

He said Don't worry dear, he's only using it for 3 days.

[missionseeker]

A priest, and a rabbi were fishing buddies. One day, they invited a preacher to go out with them. 

After a few hours, the priest stands up, says "I forgot to grab my sunscreen out of the car.", and proceeds to walk across the water to the car. After he retrieves his sunscreen, he walks back across the water to his boat. 

After a few more minutes, the rabbi says "ah. It's lunch time. I left mine in the car." He also gets out of his boat and walks out across the water, and back again with his lunch.  

By this time, the preacher is both perplexed am amazed.  He decides to try it for himself. So, he stands up, says that he's left something in his car and steps out of his boat, and promptly sinks. 

While he is trying to balance and propell bforward, splashing and everything,  the priest leans over to the rabbi and says "do you think we should him where the rocks are?"

[DominicanHeart]

[Gabriela]

On 3/18/2016, 5:45:04, enitharmon said:

Two Monks Invent Denominations

http://the-toast.net/2014/09/23/two-monks-invent-denominations/

 

More of that here http://the-toast.net/series/two-monks-inventing-things/

 

These are a riot!

 

On 3/26/2016, 8:14:08, Norseman82 said:

From a Dave Allen skit (modified from the original)...

A priest is getting burned out, so he goes to the doctor, who advises him that he needs a change of pace and needs to "let loose" a little.  So, one day, he is at the racetrack, wins some races, and is at the bar enjoying a few drinks with his winnings and buying rounds for people there.  A lady with long flowing red hair comes up to him and says, "Thank you for the drink, Father."

He replies "You don't know me!".

She replies, "Yes, I do, Father".

Again, he relies, panicking, "no you don't".

The lady says, "Of course I do - I'm Sister Bridget - we go to the same doctor!".

I'm ashamed to say I had to read this multiple times to get it. 

[BarbTherese]

1 hour ago, Gabriela said:

These are a riot!

 

I'm ashamed to say I had to read this multiple times to get it. 

............and not the only one either  ..............

[little2add]

A four-year-old Catholic boy was playing with a four-year-old Protestant girl in a children's pool in the backyard. They splashed each other, got very wet and decided to take their wet clothes off.  The little boy looked at the little girl and said, "Golly, I didn't know there was that much difference between Catholics and Protestants."

[enitharmon]

Not exactly a joke, but a great story nonetheless (from the Midrash, I believe):

Abraham's father, Terach was an idol-manufacturer. Once he had to travel, so he left Abraham to manage the shop. Abraham, who was still a child, took a hammer in his hand, broke all the idols to pieces, and then put the hammer in the hand of the biggest idol among them.

When his father came back and saw the broken idols, he was appalled. "Who did this?" he cried. "How can I hide anything from you?" replied Abraham calmly. "A woman came with a basket of bread and told me to offer it to them. I brought it in front of them, and each one said, "I'm going to eat first." Then the biggest one got up, took the hammer and broke all the others to pieces."

Abraham's father was furious: "What are you trying to pull on me? This won't get you out of this one. He can't smash idols. He is made of stone!"

To which Abraham replied: "So why do you worship him?"

Edited April 1, 2016 by enitharmon

[Norseman82]

More Dave Allen humor:

A Catholic boy and a protestant boy are arguing over who is smarter, Catholic priests or Protestant ministers:

Catholic boy:  our priest knows more than your minister!

Protestant boy:  of course he does - you tell him everything!

 

 

Edited April 4, 2016 by Norseman82

[Norseman82]

More Dave Allen humor:

 

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kL6wjjkDYI

Edited April 4, 2016 by Norseman82

[Norseman82]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QePrT1_6Hbg 

 

[little2add]

A drunk got on a bus one day and sat down next to a catholic priest.

The drunk stank of wine, his shirt was stained, his face was all red, and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.

He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, “Father, what causes arthritis?”

The priest replied, “Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man.”

“Imagine that,” the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologised. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

“I don’t have arthritis, Father,” the drunk said, “but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.”

[Luigi]

This isn't exactly a joke, but it's Catholic humor. A seminarian, Michael Allello (now a priest), paraphrased the Prayer to St. Michael, when Seminarian Alello was working a food-based fund-raiser.

[Norseman82]

When the new revised translation of the Mass came out 5 years ago, someone printed this recipe (it made its way onto Fr. Z's blog):

Christmas Cookie Recipe
 (New, Corrected Translation)
 
Serves: you and many.
 
Cream these ingredients, that by their comingling you may begin to make the dough:
 1 chalice butter, 2/3 chalice sugar
 
In a similar way, when the butter is consubstantial with the sugar, beat in:
 1 egg
 
Gather these dry ingredients to yourself and combine them, so that you may add them to the dough which you have already begun to make:
 2 1/2 chalices sifted all-purpose flour, 1/2 teaspoon salt, 1 teaspoon vanilla
 
Mix the precious dough with your venerable hands.
 
Into the refrigerator graciously place the dough so that it may be chilled, for the duration of 3 or 4 hours, before the rolling and cutting of the cookies.
 
When, in the fullness of time, you are ready to bake these spotless cookies, these delicious cookies, these Christmas cookies, preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
 
Roll out the dough and, taking up a cookie cutter or stencil of your choosing, fashion the cookies into pleasing forms.
 
Sprinkle colorful adornments over cookies like the dewfall.
 
Bake for 8 to 10 minutes, or until the cookies have just begun to manifest the brownness that is vouchsafed to them by the oven’s heat.
 
May these cookies be found acceptable in your sight, and be borne to a place of refreshment at your table, there to be served with milk or hot chocolate, or with your spirits.

[Gabriela]

5 minutes ago, Norseman82 said:

When the new revised translation of the Mass came out 5 years ago, someone printed this recipe (it made its way onto Fr. Z's blog):

Christmas Cookie Recipe
 (New, Corrected Translation)
 
Serves: you and many.
 
Cream these ingredients, that by their comingling you may begin to make the dough:
 1 chalice butter, 2/3 chalice sugar
 
In a similar way, when the butter is consubstantial with the sugar, beat in:
 1 egg
 
Gather these dry ingredients to yourself and combine them, so that you may add them to the dough which you have already begun to make:
 2 1/2 chalices sifted all-purpose flour, 1/2 teaspoon salt, 1 teaspoon vanilla
 
Mix the precious dough with your venerable hands.
 
Into the refrigerator graciously place the dough so that it may be chilled, for the duration of 3 or 4 hours, before the rolling and cutting of the cookies.
 
When, in the fullness of time, you are ready to bake these spotless cookies, these delicious cookies, these Christmas cookies, preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
 
Roll out the dough and, taking up a cookie cutter or stencil of your choosing, fashion the cookies into pleasing forms.
 
Sprinkle colorful adornments over cookies like the dewfall.
 
Bake for 8 to 10 minutes, or until the cookies have just begun to manifest the brownness that is vouchsafed to them by the oven’s heat.
 
May these cookies be found acceptable in your sight, and be borne to a place of refreshment at your table, there to be served with milk or hot chocolate, or with your spirits.

That's really quite impressive.