The Top 10 Funny Catholic Vocabulary Word Translations

[BarbTherese]

This one caused me to think twice :

Body of Christ---

Amen...oops, sorry. Habit I guess.

................but then I reasoned that I could not find it funny but there is a sad truth (two actually and the second not so sad) in it.........

[Gabriela]

3 minutes ago, BarbaraTherese said:

This one caused me to think twice :

 

................but then I reasoned that I could not find it funny but there is a sad truth (two actually and the second not so sad) in it.........

What are the sad truths?

[BarbTherese]

I am sure The Lord in His Heaven and the saints do have a good laugh about us at times.   A really great read is http://www.amazon.com/Between-Heaven-Mirth-Laughter-Spiritual/dp/0062024256

"“Between Heaven and Mirth will make any reader smile. . . . Father Martin reminds us that happiness is the good God’s own goal for us.” —Timothy M. Dolan, Archbishop of New York

From The Colbert Report’s “official chaplain” James Martin, SJ, author of the New York Times bestselling The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything, comes a revolutionary look at how joy, humor, and laughter can change our lives and save our spirits. A Jesuit priest with a busy media ministry, Martin understands the intersections between spirituality and daily life. "........read on at above link

We call it "Good News" and then we can be so very serious and dramatic, solemn about it all............which probably causes perhaps many to scratch their heads wondering why the good news makes us so ......what?.........solemn, dramatic, serious, uninteresting and tedious, boring, to be avoided.

 

3 minutes ago, Gabriela said:

What are the sad truths?

A matter of perspective I think.  For me, the sad truths are that some just might go to Holy Communion out of habit only or even without believing at all.  The not so sad truth for me from the definition is that it could represent a person in Confession repenting and asking forgiveness of the aforementioned.

Just perspective.

Comedy can take realities in life and highlight and interpret them causing laughter (i.e. grab our attention)...........even as it triggers serious thoughts ...............

[Gabriela]

4 minutes ago, BarbaraTherese said:

I am sure The Lord in His Heaven and the saints do have a good laugh about us at times.   A really great read is http://www.amazon.com/Between-Heaven-Mirth-Laughter-Spiritual/dp/0062024256

"“Between Heaven and Mirth will make any reader smile. . . . Father Martin reminds us that happiness is the good God’s own goal for us.” —Timothy M. Dolan, Archbishop of New York

From The Colbert Report’s “official chaplain” James Martin, SJ, author of the New York Times bestselling The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything, comes a revolutionary look at how joy, humor, and laughter can change our lives and save our spirits. A Jesuit priest with a busy media ministry, Martin understands the intersections between spirituality and daily life. "........read on at above link

We call it "Good News" and then we can be so very serious and dramatic, solemn about it all............which probably causes perhaps many to scratch their heads wondering why the good news makes us so ......what?.........solemn, dramatic, serious, uninteresting and tedious, boring, to be avoided.

 

A matter of perspective I think.  For me, the sad truths are that some just might go to Holy Communion out of habit only or even without believing at all.  The not so sad truth for me from the definition is that it could represent a person in Confession repenting and asking forgiveness of the aforementioned.

Just perspective.

I absolutely agree with what you said about humor and solemnity. So many people seem to think that reverence = somberness. It does not. One can be joyful—and humorous—and still be reverent.

I'm always so put out when I meet people who seem to think it's forbidden to smile at Mass, as if all we're allowed to reflect on is Christ's death. I can't help but think, "You know He rose again, right? He's right there in front of us. Doesn't that make you happy?"

Anyway, I interpreted that joke to be someone who receives Communion so much that they automatically say, "Amen" whenever they hear the words "The Body of Christ". So I "heard" it in a good way!

[BarbTherese]

1 minute ago, Gabriela said:

I absolutely agree with what you said about humor and solemnity. So many people seem to think that reverence = somberness. It does not. One can be joyful—and humorous—and still be reverent.

I'm always so put out when I meet people who seem to think it's forbidden to smile at Mass, as if all we're allowed to reflect on is Christ's death. I can't help but think, "You know He rose again, right? He's right there in front of us. Doesn't that make you happy?"

Anyway, I interpreted that joke to be someone who receives Communion so much that they automatically say, "Amen" whenever they hear the words "The Body of Christ". So I "heard" it in a good way!

Great! must admit that I like your perspective and hearing better than mine!  Heaps better!

  I bet if we gave serious thought to most all the funny defintions, serious thoughts would come to light.

Joy is one of The Fruits of The Holy Spirit and healthy laughter very often is a by-product of Joy.  I have long thought two things relieve stress: sex or laughter.  Being celibate (15 years married over 40yrs ago), I lean heavily on laughter alone for stress relief for one only.  On a psychiatric ward a fellow patient came up to me "Why are you always laughing".  "Dunno" was my reply way back then.  Nowadays when problems come along and I am stressing, I say to myself "Keep working on it, kid, until you start to laugh".  I just keep looking for the funny even ludicrous and absurd in the situation until I start to laugh.  This morning I was seated out under the pergola on a beautiful morning.  Another chair happened to be facing me and I said "I wish I could see You there and talk to You"  Then I remembered I am going to Confession tonight and added "Nah, maybe its just as well You aren't"...........and then started to laugh at the absurdity of my thoughts and statements.

Went to a mission in my parish years ago, and the mission priest told us that we should always be joyful at Mass, full of joy and happy to be there.  I jumped up immediately and told him off "Did he have any idea at all of some of the problems of people who come to Mass!"........

After I cooled down days later, I sought out our parish priest and apologised for my behaviour with the mission priest's homily.  My pp replied "Well Father told me he was very happy that someone was actually really listening".

Perspective and attitude

[little2add]

more definitions...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Capital sins---

more serious that the lower case ones.

Caroling---

1. A Christmas tradition of walking from house to house singing yule song until residents give you food to shut up. 2. Yuletide revenge on the neighbor whose barking dog keeps you up at night.

Catholic Mass---

An event with so much standing, sitting, and kneeling you can forego your Jane Fonda workout tape for Sunday.

Catholic wedding---

A ceremony in which a father loses his daughter -- and his life savings.

Celibacy---

 A clever comeback used by single men and women to explain why they don't have a date for Saturday night.

Charity---

1. What you call your trash when you give it to the Little Sisters of the Poor. 2 The only one of the theological virtues that pays off every April 15th.

Choir---

A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

Christians---

People who follow Jesus, although they disagree on which way He went.

Christmas---

The celebration of the birth of Christ, which invariably falls during the busiest shopping season of the year.

Confession---

What you bragged about the night before.

Conscience---

the little voice of morarity that you wish had a body so you could punch it in the nose.

Convent---

A rectory where the toilet seats are always down.

Corona—

The goofy haircut some monks receive to ensure their vow of chastity.

Covenant---

A contract between God and His people --- one that the Devil is still trying to take to arbitration.

Creation---

The story that scientists get a big bang out of.

Creationism---

The belief that no one is a monkey's uncle.

Crucifixion--1. A rather extreme form of impeachment. 2. The form of execution used by the Romans when the lions were full.

Cry room---

A place in the back of the church where children are brought after their tantrums have reduced their parents to tears.

Dead Sea Scrolls---

The Cliff Notes to the old testament.

Devil---

Evil with a capital D.

Devotion---

 Standing for the duration of the Gospel on Palm Sunday

Disciples---

Followers of Christ who hadn't earned enough merit badges to become Apostles.

 

 

 

 

Edited March 10, 2016 by little2add

[little2add]

Devil---

Evil with a capital D.

like

[little2add]

Di to Le

 

Divine intervention---What happens when God steps in and does something for the good of mankind...like ending Ronald Reagan's movie career.

Dona Nobis Pacem--- The double play combination of the parish softball team.

Doxology---A verbal high-five with the Lord.

Easter---1. The day you see Catholics you haven't seen since Chistmas 2. The day when Christ's body was missing and all the children are worried about is finding the missing chocolate eggs.

Ecumenical Council-- Where all those "a priest, a rabbi, and a minister" jokes get started.

Ecumenical prayer service--When Christians of various denominations get together and confuse the heck out of God.

Ecumenism---The practice of unity among Christians whereby Catholics cut Protestants some slack for being close.

Egypt---the country which created the first form of writing: hieroglyphics -- the basis for all medical prescriptions.

Envy--- The sin Catholics commit when they think of non-Catholics who get to remain seated during their church services.

Eternity---The time between Communion and the end of Mass.

Evangelists, TV 1. Preachers with miraculous power---the ability to squeeze dollars out of the penniless.

Eve--- The only wife who never had to worry about the "other woman"

Everlasting life--- What a Catholic will need to understand all the changes since Vatican II.

Eye of the needle--- The analogy that provides a strong incentive for rich men to breed tiny camels.

Faith---Giving God the benefit of the doubt on the question "Can God make a rock so big that even He, Himself, cannot lift it"?

Fast---God's diet plan

Feast of the assumption---The holy day observed forty days after Easter, by which time all of the black jelly beans will be gone.

Fishers of men----A description of the Apostles who trawled for souls.

Folk mass---The type of liturgy celebrated at the church of Saints Peter, Paul and Mary.

Font---The baptismal basin where the priest wets the baby's head and the baby wets the priests vestments.

Free will---A gift from God that you will pay for later if you use it incorrectly.

Friday, Good---The day of the crucifixion of Jesus---which makes you wonder what a Messiah's got to do to make it a Bad Friday.

Garden of Eden---Where Adam and Eve dug us a hole.

Gnosticism---Gneo-Christian cult based on gnebulous gnosis whose days were gnumbered due to gnaysayers.

God---The Supreme Being who knows everything, including why the Howells brought so many clothes for a three hour tour.

Godparent--- A person who has to baby-sit on request.

Golden Rule---The most painful thing a nun can hit you with.

Good Samaritan---A guy who today would probably get arrested and left in jail until "60 minutes did a story on him.

Gospel--A term that means "Good news"-----even though the homily always follows.

Great Schism--A time when there were more Popes that heavyweight boxing champions.

Guilt--- Agonizing paranoia somewhere along the lines of "God will get me for what I did". It racks the brain, twists the emotions, and turns the stomach until the person's a physical wreck--and God's job is already done.

Habits---Nunderwear.

Hail Mary---1. A prayer you say when the answer to "Our Father" is "NO" 2.The answer to the question, "What could be worse than raining cats and dogs?"

Handshake of peace--- Shaking hands with the kid next to you in Mass---who just wiped his nose without a handkerchief.

Heaven's Gate--- A passage that everyone wants to get through and a movie that everyone avoided.

Hell--1. A place that even Johnny Cochran can't save you from. 2. Satan's home on the range.

Holy cards--- Pictures of religious figures--like baseball cards without bubble gum.

Holy Day of Obligation 1. As in Monday night Football, a Mass that counts in the standings. 2. A feast day on which Roman Catholics are duty bound to suffer through their second Mass, sermon and collection of the week.

Holy Grail--- The chalice that Jesus and the Apostles shared at the Last Supper. Its location is unknown and, considering oral hygiene, that's probably for the best.

Holy oil---Chrism rubbed on the foreheads of teenaged Confirmation candidates -- as if they needed more grease up there.

Holy Saturday---The day your knees are sore from Good Friday.

Holy water---A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

Homily---The part of Mass when the pastor prepares the flock for the fleecing.

Hope---A desire that's dashed when Father Talkalot proceeds down the aisle on a hot Sunday.

Hymn--A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than the congregation's range.

Hymn, recessional----The last song on Mass, often sung a little more quietly since most people have left before that time.

Immaculate Conception---1. A clean thought. 2. The feast that reminds Catholics of the purity of Mary and the fact that they have only seventeen more shopping days until Christmas.

Incense--Holy smoke.

Innocent III---The man who was Pope until Proven Guilty IV.

Inquisition--A tough *final* exam.

Intercession---A prayer on behalf of another---although it shouldn't be for the other person to die of hemorrhoids.

Issac--- The biblical figure who became anxious when his father, Abraham, wanted to spend some 'quality time' with him.

Jesuits-- An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

Jesus Christ---1. The Son of God who became the Messiah, despite a few cries of nepotism. 2. One person who could truthfully answer yes to the question "Hey, were you born in a barn, or what?"

Jesus freaks---The subtitle of the Gospel chapter in which Christ clears the temple.

Jews---Known as "the Chosen People". Throughout history, whenever anyone felt the need to pick on someone, they always chose the Jews -- if there were no Catholics or gypsies around.

Job---A man who probably would have enjoyed root canal surgery.

John the Baptist--1. The man who started the wet look. 2. The guy your mother told you to stay away from--along with Jim the Lutheran and Chip the Episcopalian.

Jonah--the original "Jaws" story.

Joseph of Arimathea-- An undertaker who doubled his money by selling Christ a tomb for only three days.

Justice--When your kids have kids of their own.

Kneeler---What little children with muddy shoes love to stand on.

Knights of Columbus--The organization responsible for the senseless proliferation of spaghetti dinners.

Kyrie Elieson---The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

Lamb of God---A prayer Catholics can say without missing a bleat.

Lapsed Catholic---1. A Catholic who only knows pig latin. 2. A Catholic who doesn't care if Southern Methodist beats Notre Dame in football.

Last Supper--- One of the strangest meals in history, because Jesus performed the First Mass and all thirteen in attendance sat on one side of the table.

Latin--- The language that died of irregular vowel movenents.

Latin Mass--- Vatican II----Latin 0

Laying on of hands-- A healing action by a charismatic - first on the head, then on the wallet.

Lazarus--1. A friend of Jesus who died but got better. 2. A man who was late to his own funeral.

Lector---The liturgucal reader who must speak louder than the 

Golden Rule---The most painful thing a nun can hit you with.

i can relate to this one

[BarbTherese]

I wish I could give you more props!  Very funny and thank you for sharing them all.