little2add Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 AMEN The only part of the prayer everyone knows BULLETIN Your receipt for attending Mass. I do remember my parents asking, did you get a bulletin? CHOIR A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip -sync. HOLY WATER A liquid whose chemical is H2OLY. INCENSE Holy Smoke JONAH Th original “Jaws” story PEW A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches. PROCESSION The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and the parishioners arriving late looking for seats. RELICS People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel and stand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
little2add Posted February 27, 2016 Author Share Posted February 27, 2016 ▪ CONSERVATIVE: Someone who disagrees with my most cherished prejudices. Also see Liberal. ▪ HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range. ▪ RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left. ▪ JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams. ▪ JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own. ▪ KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy) ▪ LIBERAL: Someone who disagrees with my most cherished prejudices. Also see Conservative. ▪ MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower. ▪ MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph didn’t have travel insurance. (The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.) ▪ RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot. ▪ TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman. ▪ USHERS: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatherineM Posted February 27, 2016 Share Posted February 27, 2016 I'm pretty sure medieval churches didn't have pews. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
little2add Posted February 28, 2016 Author Share Posted February 28, 2016 Aspergillum - Let’s be frank. It sounds like a fungus that wraps itself up in your intestine and makes you stay in the bathroom for three days. But it’s actually just a vessel or device used for sprinkling holy water during special blessings. Beatification - is not a makeover. It’s actually for those who don’t need one. Canon Law - Sounds like the title of a Steven Seagal movie. “Cannon Law -This Time It’s Personal.” But unfortunately, it’s not a thing that goes boom and knocks holes through the stomachs of henchmen. It’s the collection of laws (canons) governing administration of the Roman Catholic Church. Booooring!!! Catechetics - It turns out that it’s not an dancercise regimen like Zumba like I thought. It’s from the Greek meaning “to sound forth,” and it is the procedure for teaching religion. You could imagine how embarrased I was showing up in my leopard print leotards and my Ricky Martin CD. (They’re pretty unforgiving. The leotards, not the catuchumens.) Ciborium - Come on. That just sounds cool, like a race of Star Trek villains with giant heads and few morals. “The Ciborium have raised their shields, Captain. Fire!” But it’s actually a vessel used to hold the consecrated bread for the distribution of the Body of Christ during communion which is probably a lot more amesome than Star Trek villains. Conference of Major Superiors of Men -How amesome does that sound? It’s like totally better than Fight Club. Charlie Sheen and I were ready to join, but it turns out it’s just an organization of major superiors representing communities of men religious in the United States. Charlie was ticked. Took a while to talk him down. Dalmatic -Sounds like there should be spots on it but there’s not. At least not often. It’s the vestment the deacon wears over the alb on solemn occasions Titular Sees - YOU GIGGLED!! You know you did. Seriously. Grow up. It’s just dioceses where the Church once flourished but which later died out. Bishops without a territorial or residential diocese of their own are given titular sees. Ultreya - I’m not saying what it sounds like it could be, but I’m pretty sure that it is a sin to cut it, if you know what I mean. It’s actually Spanish word for “Keep on going!” or “Onward!” It is a weekly or monthly gathering of all Cursillo Group Reunions in an area to share prayers and songs and snacks. Ya know, kinda’ like kindergarten in Catholic school. Zucchetto - I’ll take extra parmesan on my zuccheto please with some lean mutton on the side. It’s a small skullcap worn by clerics. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabriela Posted February 29, 2016 Share Posted February 29, 2016 Where are you getting this stuff? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
little2add Posted March 4, 2016 Author Share Posted March 4, 2016 ten more Act of Contrition--- A penitential prayer you warm up with so you don't cramp up in the confessional. Act of God--- 1. The kind of disaster insurance doesn't cover 2. The only way to get some Catholics to church on Sunday. Act of Faith--An action that shows a person's belief that an event will occur -- such as when a guy cleans his bedroom before a big date. Acts of the Apostles--- 1. Phony motions to the wallet made by the Apostles when the check arrived for the Last Supper. 2. Christ's touring company --- they knocked 'em dead in Samaria, Thessalonica, Damascus,etc. Advent --- A season filled with the sounds of pipers piping, drummers drumming and cash registers ringing. Advent Wreath--- A brightly colored, seasonally decorated fire hazard. Agnostic--- 1. An atheist who is hedging his bets. 2. Someone who isn't sure there is a God, but who is sure he doesn't want to go to Mass every Sunday. All Saints Day (November 1st)---- A day to honor the least-known saints and give your least-liked halloween candy to your little brother. All Soul' Day (November 2nd)--- The day to remember all deceased Motown recording artists. Alpha and Omega---- The fraternity that Christ belonged to. + 10 Annulment---- 1. Divorce, Catholic style. 2. A decree that a marriage never existed -- like the dream sequence on "Dallas". Apocalypse--- An important event that you probably can't find a Hallmark card for. Apostasy-- The difficult process of giving up one set of beliefs for another -- such as switching from Leno to Letterman. Arc of the Covenant--The trajectory of the tablets when Moses threw them down the mountain. Armageddon--- The last day you can redeem your green stamps. Ascension of Christ---- Jesus rose into heaven forty days after Easter -- an indication of how tough it is to get a table up there. Asceticism-- Living a pure, virtuous life - and then dying of boredom. Beatification---- 1. Papal recognition that a holy person is one step away from having a parochial school named after him. 2. The step in the canonization process when a persons' head is fitted into a halo. Beattitudes---- 1. Sayings that look nice on a cross-stitched plaque. 2. Second rate attitudes. Benediction--- The start of the race to the parking lot. Bethlehem--- Where Mary and Joseph had to come to their census. again... Bingo--- 1. How Catholics tithe. 2. The parlor game churches organize each week to keep little old ladies off the street. Bishop--- Old man in the see. Blessed Virgin-- The phrase Joseph muttered himself to sleep with. Blessing-- A prayer preceeding an event that grants God's grace and releases Him from any liability. Blind Faith-- A redundant expression. Body of Christ--- Amen...oops, sorry. Habit I guess. Bulletin-- 1. Parish information read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass. Burning bush-- What the Isrealites thought Moses had been smoking when he said he spoke with God. Calvin, John-- The man who championed the theory of predestination -- whether he wanted to or not. Cannon Law-- The principle that whoever has the cannon makes the law. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nihil Obstat Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 Some of these are extremely irreverent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabriela Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 (edited) 5 hours ago, Nihil Obstat said: Some of these are extremely irreverent. Yeah, but they're funny. @little2add: Are you writing these yourself? If so, you should make a book out of them. Srsly, get paid! Edited March 5, 2016 by Gabriela Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
little2add Posted March 5, 2016 Author Share Posted March 5, 2016 No I'm not that witty found them on the Internet There's a lot more out there Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BarbTherese Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 One of my favourites, thank you @little2add Cannon Law-- The principle that whoever has the cannon makes the law. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nihil Obstat Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 43 minutes ago, Gabriela said: Yeah, but they're funny. Eh... " Blessed Virgin-- The phrase Joseph muttered himself to sleep with. " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
little2add Posted March 5, 2016 Author Share Posted March 5, 2016 18 minutes ago, BarbaraTherese said: One of my favourites, thank you @little2add Like Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabriela Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 53 minutes ago, Nihil Obstat said: Eh... " Blessed Virgin-- The phrase Joseph muttered himself to sleep with. " Yeah, but come on. To think that Joseph never had a frustrated moment in his life is unrealistic. I mean, it's one thing to revere the saints as holy, but it's another to idealize them to the point that they're not human. There's only one saint who was actually completely sinless in the earthly life... And, the Blessed Virgin, being sinless, probably never muttered or complained or groaned in her entire life. But even so, I think that a little joke about how frustrated she must have been at times says more about our experience of human life than it says about her, and I think such jokes are meant that way. So think about it: Joseph, not sinless, living with a sinless woman and God-made-little-boy. You think he never thought they were crazy? Being sinful humans, we can't always see or understand the perfect, holy ways of God. Sometimes they just look crazy, especially when we see them in other people, whom we expect to "act reasonable, like us". So we mutter. May God forgive us! 1 hour ago, little2add said: No I'm not that witty found them on the Internet There's a lot more out there Oh. Well. You should plagiarize them—and get paid! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nihil Obstat Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 (edited) The common tradition is that St. Joseph, while not preserved from original sin as Mary was, never actually committed a sin during his entire life through a special and particular grace. Edited March 5, 2016 by Nihil Obstat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabriela Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 1 minute ago, Nihil Obstat said: The common tradition is that St. Joseph, while not preserved from original sin as Mary was, never actually committed a sin during his entire life. This I did not know. Still, if you take the joke as expressing how we would feel living with a perfect woman and God-made-little-boy, it's still pretty funny. Do you not think we can make jokes about the saints? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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