Stay at home parent? Thoughts?

[missionseeker]

Another nonparentry  (sorry), but with marriage prep, father told us it was important to have this all somewhat figured out. I kind of freaked out at that. I love my job, and I work in schools (4h agent, not teacher), which makes me hate the thought of my kids attending schools, because I see what goes on. Anyway, I told her I was afraid of making a selfish decision (because for us money will be an issue, we're both poor) so I almost feel like either choice is selfish and I'm afraid of going crazy without something to do outside of the home. She said that at first, it was really hard for her, but now she'd way rather hang out and talk to her kids than most adults, since most adults are pretty dumb. Hah. 

[Gabriela]

16 hours ago, missionseeker said:

Another nonparentry  (sorry), but with marriage prep, father told us it was important to have this all somewhat figured out. I kind of freaked out at that. I love my job, and I work in schools (4h agent, not teacher), which makes me hate the thought of my kids attending schools, because I see what goes on. Anyway, I told her I was afraid of making a selfish decision (because for us money will be an issue, we're both poor) so I almost feel like either choice is selfish and I'm afraid of going crazy without something to do outside of the home. She said that at first, it was really hard for her, but now she'd way rather hang out and talk to her kids than most adults, since most adults are pretty dumb. Hah. 

If you're a 4H agent, couldn't you do that part-time and take your kid with you? I mean, at least once the kid reaches a certain age? I can't imagine kids aren't welcome in schools!

[Amppax]

On 2/24/2016, 6:24:42, Gabriela said:

This may be of interest to you, Maggyie: http://www.hprweb.com/2016/02/parents-as-primary-educators/#comment-196728

The author is a professor of theology at Franciscan. It's a really outstanding article.

Here's an excerpt:

Hardly a month goes by now without an email arriving in my inbox asking me to sign an online petition against some proposal in the EU or UK concerning sex education in schools. Perhaps, it is a matter of protesting a resolution calling for LGBT awareness classes, or introducing into primary and middle schools something equivalent to the Kama Sutra. Those asking me to oppose this invariably appeal to the principle of the parents as the primary educators, something they allege is being denied by the latest innovation.

It is well-known that the Catholic Church teaches that the primary purpose of marriage is the procreation and education of children. For a long while now, the focus of the defense of this teaching has been skewed towards the procreative end of the doctrine, with a necessarily detailed critique of contraception. Just remember, Pope John Paul II effectively dedicated the first five years of his Wednesday audience catecheses to this question, in what is now known as the Theology of the Body (1979-1984). In contrast, while he did address the educative element in Familiaris Consortio (1981), in the Charter of the Rights of the Family(1983), and in his Letter to Families (1995), we are talking of just a handful of paragraphs altogether. One needs to go back 86 years, to Pope Pius XI’s Divini Illius Magistri, to find anything approaching a systematic explanation of the doctrine.

And yet, in the meantime, the modern state ever more claims that it is the primary educator of youth, and, in not a few countries, parents are excluded from the process by force of law. It is not just a matter of the imposition of (often compulsory) questionable sex education in schools, but also the restriction placed in many countries on home education, and the prosecution of parents who insist on educating their children in this way—Germany being a notable example of this type of restriction.¹ Twenty out of 44 European countries have made home education illegal.² Even in countries that are more liberal, like Ireland (whose constitution protects it) and the United Kingdom, the attitude often seems to be that parent-based educational initiatives are a quirky sideshow, though still, perhaps, worth tolerating for the sake of upholding freedom of expression.

Given that this aspect of the Church’s teaching—which touches directly on the mission of the Christian couple in the modern world—is increasingly coming into conflict with modern attitudes, it seems timely to take a look at what the Church actually means when she calls the parents “the primary educators.” I intend to make this exploration under three headings: the source of the principle of the parent as primary educator, the extent or scope of the principle, and, finally, the significance of the principle.

Dr. Newton is great. I unfortunately don't know him well, as he usually teaches at our campus in Gaming, Austria, and I've never been. He's teaching stateside this semester though, so I've been able to talk to him a bit. 

[missionseeker]

12 hours ago, Gabriela said:

If you're a 4H agent, couldn't you do that part-time and take your kid with you? I mean, at least once the kid reaches a certain age? I can't imagine kids aren't welcome in schools!

I'm not really worried about it yet. I'll figure it out. I just wanted to share with Maggie something that my said that helped me. 

[Josie07]

On ‎2‎/‎16‎/‎2016‎ ‎8‎:‎25‎:‎58‎, MarysLittleFlower said:

I totally agree. And from a child's perspective (since I'm not a parent), some of my most treasured memories is just time with my mom when I was little. She stayed at home with me and it was a very happy time for me. 

It's good to hear another's perspective of this. I too have a 3 month year old and I would like to work, but part of me wants him to be able to have that bond with his mom and not being in child care being raised by strangers.

[Lil Red]

Wow. Umm, yeah I forgot I was supposed to reply to this. LOL. 

For our first, I went back to work within 3 months (saved vacation time + maternity leave). For our second, I went back to work within 3 months (saved vacation time + maternity leave). For our first and part of the time with our second, my SIL watched the kids. For part of the time with the second, my husband was a SAHD with both kiddos. For this third child, I've been SAHM since the beginning. When I started being a SAHM, my eldest was almost 4, middle child was almost 2. (so for about 5 years now)

Getting back into the groove with working and having a baby is hard. I pumped at work (which was supportive of that [I was a youth minister]), which was tough to do and still keep up supply (read: it was really hard). It was hard to have sometimes really long days (10+) and be away from my child all day. Plus it was hard to come home and still have to do housework, cooking, etc. It wasn't as bad as when my hubby was a SAHD, but still - I was the one who was getting up in the middle of the night to feed the baby (as I missed the bond during the day). It was exhausting to keep up all of my work during the day and still come home and have to be mom. 

With this third kiddo, I'm just now starting to get out of the "fog" I had for the first 6 months. Whereas maybe with the other two and going back to work earlier, I got out of the fog earlier. I do miss having adult interaction and using my brain and reading a lot and having the time to do adult-y things. I am the primary caregiver and it isn't easy. Sometimes I feel (through no fault of my husband or kids) that I have the expectation to be a "super mom" and have the house perfect and myself perfect, etc. Being a SAHM is so hard, in different ways than being a working mom. You never get a break from someone touching you. You never get to call in sick. You often get to break plans (and be judged for it) because something is going on with your baby. Especially if you are EBF, plans will often get thrown out the window. 

As far as closeness goes (your bond with your child will be closer if you're a SAHM), that's bunk. I mean, your relationship with your child is what you make of it. I am close with my middle child, I am less close with my eldest, right now. Who knows how that will change? Many factors go into the whys of those relationships. Each child is different, and the dynamics of each relationship will change and grow as they change and grow. 

Whatever you decide, know that you & your husband are making the best decision with the information you have. Don't let anyone guilt trip you, one way or the other, about the parenting decisions you are making. They aren't raising your child, you are. You & your husband are the ones responsible for that child's upbringing and soul. (Heavy stuff when I have that moment I realize, and it's happened with each kid, that holy ish, I am forever and always responsible for this child's immortal soul. I will answer someday for how I raised my children.  ) Give yourself a break because you are doing one of the hardest "jobs" in the world: being a mom. <3 

If you have any other questions, feel free to message me.

[BarbTherese]

On ‎8‎/‎03‎/‎2016‎ ‎12‎:‎29‎:‎28‎, Lil Red said:

. 

Whatever you decide, know that you & your husband are making the best decision with the information you have. Don't let anyone guilt trip you, one way or the other, about the parenting decisions you are making. They aren't raising your child, you are. You & your husband are the ones responsible for that child's upbringing and soul. (Heavy stuff when I have that moment I realize, and it's happened with each kid, that holy ish, I am forever and always responsible for this child's immortal soul. I will answer someday for how I raised my children.  ) Give yourself a break because you are doing one of the hardest "jobs" in the world: being a mom. <3 

 

[Archaeology cat]

Red is right that relationship with the child isn't necessarily dependent on SAHM vs working mum. My relationship with each child is different, and I've been home with them from the beginning.

[Maggyie]

I think we are going to go ahead and do it. He just had his final interview for that job. But anyway. I don't want to miss her firsts. She just laughed at me yesterday and I wanted to pick her up and smush her to death!!

maybe in a few months when she is older we will have her do a play group or something 1 day a week for a break. 

[Slappo]

I don't have much advice on whether or not you should stay at home, but my advice is that if you do choose to stay at home, make sure your husband has a very very generous life insurance policy taken out on himself.

I'm the sole provider for my family and I decided to take out a plan big enough that if i pass away my wife can continue to stay at home indefinitely, including permanently, if she so chose and decided to not remarry.

[Slappo]

Not saying that to say that you'd need to stay at home indefinitely, but it is somewhat a given that your career track (if your profession has one) will be delayed by staying at home, so a large insurance plan will relieve you of financial pressure if anything happened. Hope for the best but plan for the worst.

[Maggyie]

6 hours ago, Slappo said:

Not saying that to say that you'd need to stay at home indefinitely, but it is somewhat a given that your career track (if your profession has one) will be delayed by staying at home, so a large insurance plan will relieve you of financial pressure if anything happened. Hope for the best but plan for the worst.

My work is actually for a life insurance company and it's so hard when a claim has to be paid and it's clearly not adequate for what they meant to do. But our agents have a terrible time trying to sell middle class families what would be enough. It's really a lot of money that's needed and it's not cheap protection either! I feel like the people who need it most are almost always underinsured.