Maggyie Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 I work for a very progressive company which provides a 6 month maternity leave, 2 months of it paid. So I still have a few months to make this decision. With the cost of childcare, if I return to work I would be netting about $10 an hour. Which I'm not turning my nose up at, but I'm not sure I would want to do my job if the compensation is $10 and someone else to watch the baby. It's a tough job that drains your spirit and will to live (I exaggerate... Slightly) at the same time, I've discovered parenting is a lot harder than I thought. When the baby goes down for a nap I'm very relieved. That may be because she is still very teeny (3 months). But I still am kind of in survivor mode where I don't shower much and eat on paper plates. Would getting a break from childcare help me find more time to put the house and myself together? Because, if you have a baby that needs you and you're not leaving the house anyway, why comb your hair? My husband makes enough. I have no debt but the mortgage. He has a car note. but now he is going through the application process for a new job. Which would certainly be more money. But I think it may be unwise for me to leave my job at the same time he starts a new one. Tempting fate and all that. What do you think? If you are a stay at home parent how do you make it work? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beatitude Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 I'm not a parent, so I can't give any personal insight or advice, but is there any way you could have the best of both worlds, and reduce your hours to part-time? That way you have more time to spend with your baby, but you're still earning a wage and you get a change of scene. I have found that my PhD feels less stressful and demanding since starting my job, even though my actual hours of work have gone up, just because the work is very different from my research and that keeps my brain in gear. Going to work might refresh you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anomaly Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 If at all possible, stay at home. We did that with our kids. Yes, you have a lot of stress with child care, but it gets better. It's looking back that you recognize how worth it was. We were often broke, no "away" vacations and luxuries like my siblings and friends with two incomes were able to do. But we enjoyed much more quality time with our kids for many years. We were and are a better couple because we had to talk about and share duties at times. My wife worked sometimes, part time, mostly at home, when we absolutely needed more money. Our quality and pace of life was and is much more satisfying and we often talk about how well it all worked out. Life is tougher and shorter than you think. Enjoying people in your life takes less money than you think. Be parents before being wealth providers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarysLittleFlower Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 13 minutes ago, Anomaly said: If at all possible, stay at home. We did that with our kids. Yes, you have a lot of stress with child care, but it gets better. It's looking back that you recognize how worth it was. We were often broke, no "away" vacations and luxuries like my siblings and friends with two incomes were able to do. But we enjoyed much more quality time with our kids for many years. We were and are a better couple because we had to talk about and share duties at times. My wife worked sometimes, part time, mostly at home, when we absolutely needed more money. Our quality and pace of life was and is much more satisfying and we often talk about how well it all worked out. Life is tougher and shorter than you think. Enjoying people in your life takes less money than you think. Be parents before being wealth providers. I totally agree. And from a child's perspective (since I'm not a parent), some of my most treasured memories is just time with my mom when I was little. She stayed at home with me and it was a very happy time for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Basilisa Marie Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 See if you can delay a bit until your husband gets a bit more comfortable in his new position, and is more sure if it's a good fit. If his job is a good fit, then what would you do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
little2add Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 (edited) It's really what the quality of life means, in my case, we chose to - as the man of the house go to work and for my spouse to stay home and run the house, raise the kids, and teach them our values. Because of this money was tight and I worked away from home 24/7 most of the time not complaining , mind you. My only regret is our children took a little longer to grow up. I hope they forgive me someday We ment well Edited February 17, 2016 by little2add Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Didacus Posted February 18, 2016 Share Posted February 18, 2016 On February 16, 2016 at 4:35:35 PM, Maggyie said: I work for a very progressive company which provides a 6 month maternity leave, 2 months of it paid. So I still have a few months to make this decision. With the cost of childcare, if I return to work I would be netting about $10 an hour. Which I'm not turning my nose up at, but I'm not sure I would want to do my job if the compensation is $10 and someone else to watch the baby. It's a tough job that drains your spirit and will to live (I exaggerate... Slightly) at the same time, I've discovered parenting is a lot harder than I thought. When the baby goes down for a nap I'm very relieved. That may be because she is still very teeny (3 months). But I still am kind of in survivor mode where I don't shower much and eat on paper plates. Would getting a break from childcare help me find more time to put the house and myself together? Because, if you have a baby that needs you and you're not leaving the house anyway, why comb your hair? My husband makes enough. I have no debt but the mortgage. He has a car note. but now he is going through the application process for a new job. Which would certainly be more money. But I think it may be unwise for me to leave my job at the same time he starts a new one. Tempting fate and all that. What do you think? If you are a stay at home parent how do you make it work? Everything you've listed is normal concerns and I've been there with my wife. Won't say what is right for you but this is what worked for us for some 20 years now. I make ale enough money, my wife makes minimum wage. She worked part time here and there but never for very long and for all intent and purposes has stayed at home. I jhabe a sometimes severely stressful job but when I get home I am confident the kids are well and with their mother. I don't need to worry. I focus on my job she focus on the family and it's worked well. I have grown to have such respect for my wife handling the home that I am shy when thinking about it - I could never do what she does. She has strength, resilience, toughness all overwhelmed and hidden in love and compassion for the kids. I step on only to lay down the law when needed which she always had issues with but that was always fine has not always been easy but as I furnish a house and food she has genuinely made a home and my accomplishments will NEVER compare to her own. She will be long in heaven waiting for me to finish my well deserved purgatory. She is wonderful and to my eyes beyond compare; a martyr and Saint in her own rights and may she pray for the little man I am for I certainly need it most. And that's all I have to say about that. Hope it helped. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabriela Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 23 hours ago, Didacus said: Everything you've listed is normal concerns and I've been there with my wife. Won't say what is right for you but this is what worked for us for some 20 years now. I make ale enough money, my wife makes minimum wage. She worked part time here and there but never for very long and for all intent and purposes has stayed at home. I jhabe a sometimes severely stressful job but when I get home I am confident the kids are well and with their mother. I don't need to worry. I focus on my job she focus on the family and it's worked well. I have grown to have such respect for my wife handling the home that I am shy when thinking about it - I could never do what she does. She has strength, resilience, toughness all overwhelmed and hidden in love and compassion for the kids. I step on only to lay down the law when needed which she always had issues with but that was always fine has not always been easy but as I furnish a house and food she has genuinely made a home and my accomplishments will NEVER compare to her own. She will be long in heaven waiting for me to finish my well deserved purgatory. She is wonderful and to my eyes beyond compare; a martyr and Saint in her own rights and may she pray for the little man I am for I certainly need it most. And that's all I have to say about that. Hope it helped. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maggyie Posted February 19, 2016 Author Share Posted February 19, 2016 Ah so lovely. wish that could be said about me one day... There's always hope... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Papist Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 Don't know if you have children yet. If not, what you decide now may very well change once you hold your baby. Becoming a mother is a game changer. My advice is sit down with your husband and write down pros and cons. Put weights on the pros. It should come down to what you and your husband value the most for what is in the best interest of your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabriela Posted February 24, 2016 Share Posted February 24, 2016 This may be of interest to you, Maggyie: http://www.hprweb.com/2016/02/parents-as-primary-educators/#comment-196728 The author is a professor of theology at Franciscan. It's a really outstanding article. Here's an excerpt: Hardly a month goes by now without an email arriving in my inbox asking me to sign an online petition against some proposal in the EU or UK concerning sex education in schools. Perhaps, it is a matter of protesting a resolution calling for LGBT awareness classes, or introducing into primary and middle schools something equivalent to the Kama Sutra. Those asking me to oppose this invariably appeal to the principle of the parents as the primary educators, something they allege is being denied by the latest innovation. It is well-known that the Catholic Church teaches that the primary purpose of marriage is the procreation and education of children. For a long while now, the focus of the defense of this teaching has been skewed towards the procreative end of the doctrine, with a necessarily detailed critique of contraception. Just remember, Pope John Paul II effectively dedicated the first five years of his Wednesday audience catecheses to this question, in what is now known as the Theology of the Body (1979-1984). In contrast, while he did address the educative element in Familiaris Consortio (1981), in the Charter of the Rights of the Family(1983), and in his Letter to Families (1995), we are talking of just a handful of paragraphs altogether. One needs to go back 86 years, to Pope Pius XI’s Divini Illius Magistri, to find anything approaching a systematic explanation of the doctrine. And yet, in the meantime, the modern state ever more claims that it is the primary educator of youth, and, in not a few countries, parents are excluded from the process by force of law. It is not just a matter of the imposition of (often compulsory) questionable sex education in schools, but also the restriction placed in many countries on home education, and the prosecution of parents who insist on educating their children in this way—Germany being a notable example of this type of restriction.1 Twenty out of 44 European countries have made home education illegal.2 Even in countries that are more liberal, like Ireland (whose constitution protects it) and the United Kingdom, the attitude often seems to be that parent-based educational initiatives are a quirky sideshow, though still, perhaps, worth tolerating for the sake of upholding freedom of expression. Given that this aspect of the Church’s teaching—which touches directly on the mission of the Christian couple in the modern world—is increasingly coming into conflict with modern attitudes, it seems timely to take a look at what the Church actually means when she calls the parents “the primary educators.” I intend to make this exploration under three headings: the source of the principle of the parent as primary educator, the extent or scope of the principle, and, finally, the significance of the principle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Didacus Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 Another thing I noticed about a scary at home wife. If someone says something which puts her down about not working it seriously offends me. She could have made great things and things greater than the insulted has done (feeling that the insulter's own accomplishment elevates him or her above my wife). And it hurts me. I feel wound in my heart because I know she sacrificed such wonderful opportunities for and for our benefit and because she made such a genuine heart felt sacrifice (as though that was not hard enough) another comes by and makes it ever that much harder. I now those people and several a close members of the family hurt her very badly. And I try to bring up her spirits but don't always get them back up as high as I would like. And seeing her take this I just pain from ignorants gets me angry, but mostly I feel my wife's pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lil Red Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 I'm replying now to remind myself to reply later. o.O lol Little dude is almost 6 months old, and I have two older children (9 and almost 7). I am a SAHM, and have been for about 5 years. Before that I worked full time. So my perspective is certainly going to be different from anyone else on the thread, which so far includes non parents and dads. IOW, no actual SAHM & their experiences. (sorry everyone) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IcePrincessKRS Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 (edited) 1 hour ago, Lil Red said: I'm replying now to remind myself to reply later. o.O lol Little dude is almost 6 months old, and I have two older children (9 and almost 7). I am a SAHM, and have been for about 5 years. Before that I worked full time. So my perspective is certainly going to be different from anyone else on the thread, which so far includes non parents and dads. IOW, no actual SAHM & their experiences. (sorry everyone) Red's experiences are probably more valuable (in a way) than mine because her work-then-SAHM situation more closely mirrors your own. I've been a stay at home wife/mom since we got married. Initially it was a "if I need to go to work I will" thing and we enjoyed the luxury of me being able to stay home. Then kids came along and we felt that it was best for me to be home with them. Jobs changed, our budget took a pretty drastic hit. I still stayed at home. We re-worked our budget and made it work because ultimately, for us,with any job that I could have gotten at that point the income would have been nil thanks to the cost of childcare. Now my kids are all school aged (and homeschooled). I have so many memories with them that I wouldn't have had if they were in daycare or a traditional school. Yes, only having a teeny person in the house for company all day sometimes drives you batty. You probably won't have a chance to shower or pee in peace for years (whether you go back to work or not). Give it a few months and it'll be a lot easier to bring her in the shower with you, if need be. Often I'd put my babies in the bouncy seat or swing, right in the bathroom, while I showered. Some days, even now, frizzy hair and yoga pantaloons are the best it's going to get for the day. Being relieved that your baby has gone down for a nap is totally normal. Tending to the needs of a beautiful little tyrant is exhausting and sometimes mama needs a break. I think that's why God created naps... Also, my baby is 6 years old and I LOVE paper plates.There are probably dozens of things I could think of that make staying at home hard. But there are so many other rewarding things. Think of all the moments you get to have with your child--first words, first steps, learning to read, hugs, snuggles, midday naps.... dozens and dozens more that far outweigh those tough things. I think by now you have a pretty solid idea of what it's like to be a SAHM, and it will get easier/more fun as she gets bigger. You said financially you can afford to stay home. I don't know the ins and outs of your situation and how much you love your job (or not... well, actually, you said it drains your will to live, so I'm guessing not a whole ton of love lol), what having that job means to you, but with your financial situation I'd be seriously inclined to opt for staying at home. For us it always boiled down to " if we can afford for me to stay at home I'm going to do it because I think that's the best thing for our kids." I mention what your job means to you because I know a lot of people--even mothers--gain a lot, not just monetarily but mentally and emotionally, from being in the workforce. Some people might not like that fact, but it's a real thing that happens and if you opt to go back to work because you (and your husband) think it's the right thing for your family that's all that really matters. If you do go back to work when your maternity leave is up and you're not happy you can always give your notice and be home with your precious little girl again. Maybe give it a trial for a month or two, see if you're happy being away from her during the work hours (I feel like that is phrased awkwardly and I can't think of a better way to express the thought). Either way I wish you the best of luck. ETA: Re-reading this it sounds like I'm voting heavily in favor of being a SAHM, and for my family it's absolutely been the right decision. I'm not trying to convince you to be a SAHM, not unless you really want to, but with my experience I just don't have a solid balance from both sides of the coin to talk about being a working mom. Hopefully I've been at least a little bit helpful. Edited February 26, 2016 by IcePrincessKRS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archaeology cat Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 Haven't read all the responses. So, when I had my first, we were living overseas on visas and I had just finished my MA and was starting a PhD and working at the university. I couldn't legally take a maternity leave because of the visa. The university was really good about things and allowed me to bring Kieran to work and to lectures. My supervisor and I didn't get along well about many things, but he was great about letting me have Kieran there. However, the stress of it all was weighing on me, and I wanted to be a SAHM. I didn't know how that would be possible, financially and otherwise. I love Egyptology, but I loved the idea of being a SAHM better. Then I had a panic attack and my husband called an ambulance for me because we didn't know it was a panic attack, and the emergency workers wormed it out of me that I was so stressed about the PhD and didn't want to do it. So they talked to my husband and told him I had to be a SAHM. LOL Anyway, we then crunched numbers and found we could make it work by very careful budgeting, and by putting me as a dependent on my husband's visa. So we did that, and I've never regretted it. Back in the US now, with 4 kids, still a SAHM (and WAHM since I teach NFP). There will definitely be those times when you're in survival mode, when you are so relieved when the child goes to sleep. That's normal, and it's just a phase. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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