A Friend Needs Help

[PhuturePriest]

So my best friend has been expressing for a while that he feels lonely often, even when he's around other people. I'm trying to figure out what this is indicative of so I can recommend him to the right help. Obviously the best help I can personally give him is to be there for him, but clearly this is something I can't help him overcome completely.

[MarysLittleFlower]

I often feel lonely around people too but not with God. In a way its brought me closer to Him. It doesn't make me depressed due to that. Is your friend struggling with depression? If that's known...

But I think its normal to have some sort of basic loneliness in this world. Of course if someone is depressed over that its very important to help them. For me I've had these lonely feelings all my life mostly and I used to be very sad about it but it helped turning to God for healing, and it helped my relationship with Him because He's the one I don't feel lonely with. I think often this feeling comes from feeling like "no one really understands"...

One thing maybe you could do is just always be there for your friend, because knowing that someone understands and cares is very healing to this. Of course though, we need to help the person come closer to God because in the end, no one can know the soul as much as Him, and we all yearn for this and we'll never find it with people. I think that's one common mistake - trying to find it here on earth, and it only leads to disappointment. So I think its important to be a good friend and always be there for the person, but in such a way that it also leads to Our Lord, not just to us if that makes sense.... 

[Spem in alium]

Did he tell you if there is anything that is making him feel lonely? Like, for example, if he feels like he doesn't fit in with people, or he doesn't know how to start conversations. He may not even know the reason himself, or it could be based on factors he's aware of. Becoming aware of the reason will mean you (and others) will be able to help so much more. Loneliness can be very easy to cure, but often this cure is temporary and what is really needed is getting to the root of the issue. 

Ultimately, show him that you care and that you're open to talking with him. He obviously respects and trusts you enough to have told you this, so he may be open to speaking more deeply about it -- but at the same time, don't push it too much. 

[Gabriela]

Sometimes this is a sign of depression. Sometimes it's a stage in adolescence. Sometimes it's a healthy phase of introversion and introspection that people go through as they're growing and figuring out who they are, even in adulthood.

It's hard to say which it is for your friend. Keep an eye out for other signs of depression, because just this one alone really isn't a sure thing. And as the others said, just be there for him when he wants to talk, and be patient and understanding. Listen, rather than try to solve his problems. He's hopefully just working out some stuff inside himself right now.

Edited February 14, 2016 by Gabriela

[Not A Real Name]

If your friend hasn't had a pattern of this behavior then I would jump to being worried.  As Gabriela mentioned, sometimes this is a hard, but healthy, thing we need to go through in order to grow. Continue to be there for your friend and continue to let him share what he's going through in his own time.  

[PhuturePriest]

21 hours ago, Spem in alium said:

Did he tell you if there is anything that is making him feel lonely? Like, for example, if he feels like he doesn't fit in with people, or he doesn't know how to start conversations. He may not even know the reason himself, or it could be based on factors he's aware of. Becoming aware of the reason will mean you (and others) will be able to help so much more. Loneliness can be very easy to cure, but often this cure is temporary and what is really needed is getting to the root of the issue. 

Ultimately, show him that you care and that you're open to talking with him. He obviously respects and trusts you enough to have told you this, so he may be open to speaking more deeply about it -- but at the same time, don't push it too much. 

He's really been focusing on trying to understand himself and what he's supposed to do in life recently, and unfortunately it led to a freak out yesterday. He constantly thinks about if he should be a priest or get married, why he likes this girl and if he should pursue a relationship with her, analyzing every aspect to exhaustion. He analyzes himself to the point that it's unhealthy for him, and I fear this behavior is both harmful and at least part of the reason for his loneliness. I've tried telling him not to think about stuff so much, but it doesn't seem like he's listening.

[McM RSCJ]

You think he "analyzes himself to the point that it is unhealthy for him" and your "fear this behavior is both harmful and at least part of the reason for his loneliness." 

So have you raised with him the topic of getting some psychological counseling?  I hope so. 

Psychological and health concerns call for psychological/health treatment. As wise Spiritual Directors (and wise friends) know, it is not wise (even possible?) to try spiritualize a psychological problem, nor to psychologize a real spiritual struggle.  Raise with him the advantages he may draw from speaking in depth with a trained sounding board who can help him recognize his own patterns, so as not to be undone by them. 

[PhuturePriest]

52 minutes ago, McM RSCJ said:

You think he "analyzes himself to the point that it is unhealthy for him" and your "fear this behavior is both harmful and at least part of the reason for his loneliness." 

So have you raised with him the topic of getting some psychological counseling?  I hope so. 

Psychological and health concerns call for psychological/health treatment. As wise Spiritual Directors (and wise friends) know, it is not wise (even possible?) to try spiritualize a psychological problem, nor to psychologize a real spiritual struggle.  Raise with him the advantages he may draw from speaking in depth with a trained sounding board who can help him recognize his own patterns, so as not to be undone by them. 

I've recommended speaking with a counselor to see if there's anything serious that should be looked into, but he was resistant to the idea. 

[MarysLittleFlower]

Does he have a spiritual director? It might help him to bring up the point that when we try to discern God's Will in such anxiety, the anxiety often may prevent us from discerning well. Trust in God and abandonment to His Will, interior peace, together with direction, is important for discernment. 

[Gabriela]

I'm not surprised he was resistant. It doesn't sound like he needs a counselor, but an SD. A lot of people overthink vocation and drive themselves crazy weighing the pros and cons of the various options. It shouldn't be done that way. It's a decision of the heart. He needs to learn that.

Again, I recommend you not try to solve his problems. Don't tell him, "Don't think about things so much," cuz that's his nature. And don't tell him what I just told you, at least not directly. Give him a good book on discernment that doesn't emphasize thinking, but trusting and praying. Or find him a good SD and casually bring up that person's name in conversation and offer his phone number and email.