Dealing with a Passive-Aggressive Housemate

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

Beatitude--I'm praying for you. You are quite possibly the nicest, most sane person here on Phatmass (at least in the top ten--I don't want other people to feel that I don't care about them). Why is this happening to you? Get out! Now!

 

[Not A Real Name]

54 minutes ago, IgnatiusofLoyola said:

Beatitude--I'm praying for you. You are quite possibly the nicest, most sane person here on Phatmass (at least in the top ten--I don't want other people to feel that I don't care about them). Why is this happening to you? Get out! Now!

 

Which sanity scale are you using? 

Edited February 8, 2016 by Not A Real Name
Dumb smartphone

[Benedictus]

Sounds like she doesn't really want to share and gets frustrated over it.  It's probably also a negative part of her personality. The worst part about such people is they always think others should know what they are thinking or why they are doing something. I wouldn't waste time trying to navigate around her or guess what she thinks or expects. I would personally advise asking her for a regular open chat about household stuff and be assertive with her about things. She'll run you crazy and be a control freak if you let her otherwise. If you respond with equally PA behavior or try to exert control without discussion I suspect she'll get worse to push you out. You'll be tagged as the bad person too if she vents about it.

[Benedictus]

On 07/02/2016, 00:14:02, beatitude said:

In extra stress, some random guy who has never met me and whose only contact with me has been via Twitter and Facebook groups decided to report things I'd shared on Twitter to the parent of a patient of mine. He didn't even know for sure where I worked. He doesn't know this woman either, he just saw her in a Facebook support group for parents of sick children. Considering that he's a middle-aged childless man, his presence in such a group seems more than a little creepy. He guessed that I worked at the hospital where this child is (he had a 25% chance of being right, given the number of children's hospitals in my area), decided that the tweets I'd made referred to dangers at the hospital (they didn't, they referred to dangers in the refugee camp where I used to work, four thousand miles away), and scared this woman half to death by telling her that her daughter was not being protected adequately. She contacted the hospital. I got pulled into my manager's office. My manager checked my Twitter, realised that this guy is a fruitcake, and told me to be careful online, as it's full of fruitcakes. Now I'm shaken up, because this behaviour seems stalkerish - why on earth would anyone do that sort of thing? I'm sitting here in a state of stupefaction, wondering what stressful thing might occur next, and hoping it doesn't.

It's a growing problem. There's so much information online that such people can try to play jigsaw with information to find someone and cause trouble. In the work I used to do we had to be extra careful with the information we put out online that could be used by the public, esp our clients, as there were real safety risks. This meant I had to think even about groups I joined near my home if it meant my name and or pictures (or my family/friends etc) would be out in the public arena. I applied the same policy when I did work for a diocese or religious institute too, and this proved wise. I try and carry the same caution now too.

If a company or org has a website with photo, name, location etc people try and match this across to social networking, telephone directory, election voter data, petitions signed, blogs, online photos (to identify houses or used locations etc). If a person has a registered business they also have to think about address details used, filed forms and the info being available for public inspection. I'd never have used my home address on forms viewable online or if they can be viewed on request by the public etc.

Some people will even try and find people you know to add them or follow their info to see if they can find you. I believe facial name recognition on some sites was a problem in this regard, if you or an org shared pics with a group etc. The problem with social networking is the privacy settings change alot and people don't always see the risk (or expect the info is out there).  Most 'open' groups and page likes are viewable to the public on Facebook, as an example.

I would say to not use a photo of yourself as the profile pic and to restrict public view on everything. Facebook used to let people use a nickname or similar too, but now I think they insist on real names. It's OK to vary it though -  William to Bill or Bob (middle names are OK too I suppose). I never add random people and make sure I have a way of checking if a request from a 'friend' is really them. There have been cases of people setting up fake accounts by copying someone elses profile pic and using their name, usually for fraud. But I guess there can be other sinister motivations too.

This all sounds OTT but better to be safe I think.

Edited February 8, 2016 by Benedictus
spg

[beatitude]

Today I viewed three places, and it was like the story of the Three Bears. There was one really lovely apartment (with cats, always a plus) but I felt a bit awkward with the woman I'd be sharing with. She was incredibly reserved and by the time I left I felt I'd told her lots of things about me but heard almost nothing about her. I don't want to share with an unknown quantity again. The second house had three really lovely people who seemed like they could become real friends, but the house itself was shabby and old and my room was a bit...basic for the price (which is saying something when you consider I used to live in a refugee camp in the Middle East, and I have gone months washing out of a bucket while under fire from Maoist paramilitaries in Nepal. It's not like I expect luxury). The third house was very nice, affordable, and with two housemates who seem like people I'd get on well with. I've e-mailed them to say I want the room. They have other people viewing it, so hopefully they choose me, if it's God's will. I'm relying on him to keep me from going from the frying pan into the fire, and to prevent my current housemate from being unreasonable about my decision to move.

[Makarioi]

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that things work out well for you, B!

[beatitude]

I wasn't accepted in the house I really wanted, so I decided on the second option. I hope I'm doing the right thing. The owner was very reserved with me, and she's so hyper-cautious about the whole rental process (not putting photos up online, not giving me the address to come and view the place but meeting me somewhere public instead, not advertising under her real name, not answering questions about herself, etc.) that I'm beginning to think she's very anxiety-prone or something happened in her past to make her this way. She did mention that in the past someone had smashed up her furniture (on explaining why there was no desk yet in my potential room). She also mentioned that she'd bought this flat pretty recently. I didn't pry, but from these little details it wouldn't surprise me if she'd left a violent relationship. I still have an uneasy gut feeling about the whole thing. She wants a reference from my current flatmate/landlady. That could be problematic too.

I need to pray about this. I dislike parting from anyone on bad terms, so I'd like to try and re-establish some cordiality with my current housemate, and I don't want to end up in an even more difficult living arrangement than the one I'm leaving.

[MarysLittleFlower]

Are there any potential flats that you could arrange to see? I just mean....if you have an uneasy feeling about this place? It is very cautious of the owner and I don't know why. 

[Makarioi]

Keep looking, this sounds weird................

[beatitude]

I prayed for the situation with my current flatmate at Mass on Sunday and when I came home I asked her if everything is all right, as she hasn't seemed OK lately. It turns out she has a painful mouth ulcer that she hasn't mentioned (she has the rather peculiar idea that as a doctor she shouldn't make a fuss about non-threatening physical illnesses) and she's also getting very stressed and irrationally worried about her competence to practise as a doctor. This doesn't excuse her behaviour towards me - she needs to learn to deal with her stress much better, she can't take it out on the people around her like this - but I'm glad I was able to clear the air and also to communicate concern rather than anger. She loves ballet and I am thinking I will invite her along to the performance I'm going to see next month, as she hasn't done much except work and study lately.

I'm still looking for a new place, because however understandable her stresses I'm not willing to tolerate this behaviour on a regular basis, but I am hoping she and I will part on good terms. I will look for somewhere other than the place with the strangely reserved owner. Now that I have re-established some cordiality in this flat I'm not in a huge hurry to move but will take a little longer to find the best place for me. Thanks for the prayers and suggestions, everyone.

[beatitude]

I have a new house waiting for me from 2nd June. I am wondering how much notice to give my current flatmate, whose passive-aggressive behaviour continues (although it no longer bothers me so much now I'm aware of how stressed she is). I'm wondering how much notice to give. Technically I only have to give a month, but I think it might be more considerate to give more, so she has extra time to find a replacement - I know how important that room is to her income. But I'm also concerned that my decision to leave will cause her to ramp up the nasty behaviour to me, and I don't want to be dealing with that. I would be grateful for people's prayers for us.

[Gabriela]

On 4/2/2016, 10:52:09, beatitude said:

I have a new house waiting for me from 2nd June. I am wondering how much notice to give my current flatmate, whose passive-aggressive behaviour continues (although it no longer bothers me so much now I'm aware of how stressed she is). I'm wondering how much notice to give. Technically I only have to give a month, but I think it might be more considerate to give more, so she has extra time to find a replacement - I know how important that room is to her income. But I'm also concerned that my decision to leave will cause her to ramp up the nasty behaviour to me, and I don't want to be dealing with that. I would be grateful for people's prayers for us.

I'm praying for you, beatitude. My concern is that if you tell her you're leaving in June, and she finds someone who needs it sooner, she'll kick you out earlier. I would give her the month and no more.

Is the new house with the anxiety-prone lady?

[beatitude]

1 minute ago, Gabriela said:

I'm praying for you, beatitude. My concern is that if you tell her you're leaving in June, and she finds someone who needs it sooner, she'll kick you out earlier. I would give her the month and no more.

Is the new house with the anxiety-prone lady?

No. For most of the year I'll be sharing with one very congenial cat and no one else.  The house belongs to a woman who is getting married and moving in with her husband. (The husband-to-be dislikes cats, so my landlady was going to leave hers with her brother, but my ecstatic reaction when the creature nearly tripped me up on the stairs led her to offer the cat to me.) She has a daughter at university who will be living in the house during the vacations, and she may take on another tenant once the daughter has her own place, but she said I will get to choose the person in that case, "as you'll be the one who has to live with them." She seems very funny and friendly. I won't see too much of her, but I'm sure we'll get on when we do meet.

You have a point about the notice period. I'll pray about it some more.

[Nihil Obstat]

48 minutes ago, Gabriela said:

 My concern is that if you tell her you're leaving in June, and she finds someone who needs it sooner, she'll kick you out earlier. I would give her the month and no more.

 

 

42 minutes ago, beatitude said:

You have a point about the notice period. I'll pray about it some more.

Is your lease currently month to month, or is June the day the least ends?

[beatitude]

Month to month. I can't move to the new place any earlier than June because my new landlady isn't leaving for her new home until then.