How to tell my parents...

[AveMariaPurissima]

I need help...

I need to tell my parents about my discernment, but I'm having a ridiculously hard time doing so.

Some background info:

I'm a young adult, living at home.  I'm the youngest and the only girl in my family.  My family are devout practicing Catholics.

I entered a religious community once before, and there were a number of things that weren't good about the experience.  It was hard for me, but even harder for my parents, esp. my mom. -- I think from a combination of dealing with the separation, as well as seeing how I was hurt by the experience.

My parents and I have a really close relationship, except for on the issue of religious life.  My mom in particular just seems to get tense and uncomfortable when the subject of religious life comes up -- so I tend to talk about it as little as possible.  It's a vicious cycle, because even though I think that if I were more open about my discernment, my parents might become more accepting of it, the reactions they have make me not want to talk about it more, so I clam up even more.

 

The community I'm discerning with now is much healthier than the one I was with before, and I feel strongly that there's a serious possibility that this is the place for me.  At least I need to seriously look into the possibility!!  The Sisters and I are planning that I'll come for a week-long live-in in March, so it feels urgent that I talk to my parents about my discernment.  I know that since I'm an adult, I don't need their "permission" to do this, but I think (and a priest friend who has been helping me with this agrees) it would be better to open up and have better, more mature communication with them -- not to mention that this would likely make things easier and smoother in the long run if I do eventually enter.  When I was discerning before (back in high school), I wasn't very open at all with my parents about it (though it was kind of obvious that I was seriously interested in religious life, I think!). and then I entered shortly after graduation -- I think that may have been part of the problem.

 

Since about August, I've felt that I need to tell my parents and be more open about my discernment.  But I still haven't done it yet.  I just cannot seem to get the words to come out of my mouth.  I'm too nervous to open my mouth and say what I feel.

 

Because I know what will happen if I tell my parents that I'm discerning again.  My dad might accept it a little more easily, though it would still be hard for him.  My mom, on the other hand:  she won't say much (and if asked, she'll deny that anything is wrong), but she'll be quiet and sad and mopey for quite a long time.   I know people will probably say that she'll eventually come around and that I should be willing to follow my vocation no matter whether or not my family is supportive...but the thing is, my mom's opinion, feelings, moods, and attitude mean so much to me, and they have a strong effect on me.  I can't bear to see her feel that way.  (and to be completely honest, I don't want to have to deal with her in a mood like that.  Sounds really bad to come out and say that, but it's true.)

 

In the first place, I'd like to ask you to please keep my parents and me in your prayers!

 

Secondly, any advice?

[TheresaThoma]

I will definitely keep you in my prayers. Every time I have tried to bring up religious life with my parents it has gone badly, really really badly. I'm very familiar with the cycle of wanting to tell but then getting a negative response so you don't share but when you do share it goes badly again so you go back to not sharing. So I'm not the best person for advice on what to do. I have found there are two approaches. The slow and steady and the quick blow. If they are somewhat open the slow and steady method can be best. Allow them to walk with you. Yes it will be tough at the beginning (especially when your mom may be feeling sad about it and you are happy about it) but hopefully in the long run it will be worth it. There is the other method, the quick blow, once you have decided where and when to enter you share the information all at once. This is my personal strategy my mom is not at all open to discussing relisious life or even Catholicism in general. So talking to her about it in the past has not been helpful. I told her when I was first starting out in my discernment and she pretty much reacted as if I had told her I was entering the next month. I don't live with my mom anymore so it is a bit easier to discern without telling her. I just tell her I am on a retreat or taking a weekend off. 

[vee]

prayers for you!

Im of the school of waiting to tell, like after you've entered!   Ok maybe not that late but if family drama is going to affect your ability to listen to God then dont tell them yet.  Moms have a hard time with it and a couple of examples would be St Edith Stein and Bl Elizabeth of the Trinity.  Bl Elizabeth's Carmel was literally just down the street and could even be seen from her home but he mom still didnt like the thought of her going.

Edited January 6, 2016 by vee
typo

[Luigi]

Ave - You write very well. You're articulate in type. I'd recommend writing to your folks because: 

1. That way, you don't have to make the words come out your mouth. 

2. Your folks have time and privacy to experience their first reactions, but you won't be there to see it. If they have time to talk about it between themselves first, they might get past the reactionary stuff before you(-all) do address the topic face to face. 

3. I would tell them some of what you said in your OP - just convert it into second-person address. The whole third paragraph ("The community I'm discerning with ADD NAME HERE is much healthier...") is good, as well as "my mom's opinion, feelings, moods, and attitude mean so much to me, and they have a strong effect on me.  I can't bear to see her feel that way." Just convert it to "Mom, your opinion .. I can't bear to see you feel bad about my decision." Or something like that.  

4. Plan a time/occasion to inform them. If you go their house for Sunday dinner, send them a letter that arrives on Tuesday or Wednesday. Ask them to talk it over between themselves in the interim because you want to talk to them about it when you come on Sunday. 

Just a thought. Prayers. For you. For them. 

[enitharmon]

4 hours ago, Luigi said:

I'd recommend writing to your folks

That was going to be my advice also. 
 

[DominicanHeart]

We are in the same situation. Please let's pray for each other!

[veritasop1206]

I suspect your parents know, on some level, that you are still discerning religious life!

Your first experience was a hurtful one for you and for them. Continue to discern, to visit, to pray! And, do speak with your parents. You cannot control their reactions but you can let them know that you are sensitive to their feelings, their fears. Undoubtedly, they want only your happiness; try to help them see that your call to religious life is what will fulfill you and bring you happiness.

Above all, bring all of this to prayer--quiet, contemplative time in God's presence--with the hope that your fears for your parents and their fears for you will be allayed. Today's Gospel, Mk 6:45-52 recounts the words of Jesus to the disciples: "Take courage, it is I, do not be afraid!"

Blessings on you and your parents and prayers for all.

[Swami Mommy]

I like the idea of writing to your parents.  I would also add some PRACTICAL side-by-side comparisons to secular life too, so that your parents can compare some of the similarities and benefits in living a communal, celibate lifestyle to living in a committed relationship to one person, or as a single, unmarried person alone in the world.  As a parent, my first concern if my daughter told me she wanted to be a religious would be that she would be missing out on being loved by one particular person she could count on.  However, one of the benefits of communal living is that she would ALWAYS be in a relationship with all her fellow sisters who would be there to love and support her for the rest of her life.  She wouldn't have to worry about a spouse dying first or leaving her alone, because there would always be more than one sister in her community that would be there to fill in the gaps when an older sister passed away before she might. She wouldn't have to worry about her daily living needs either.  After the novitiate, she would have the privacy and sanctuary of her own room, quiet time for reflection, prayer, and studying and wouldn't have the responsibility for managing an ENTIRE household even though she would be given ample opportunity to learn different household management skills.  If she was in an active order she would have the opportunity to make a concrete, measurable difference in the world in a line of secular work her parents would understand and she would be able to interact with the general population.  She would also have the experience of managing her own small stipend for clothes and necessities without having to worry about keeping up with the neighbors or becoming overly attached and identified with transitory possessions. She would have a beautiful, clean, quiet convent to live in, meals and laundry taken care of in a communal task-sharing way, she wouldn't have to be stressed out over long term childcare (as wonderful as having children may be, there are MANY aspects to childbearing that are difficult and unsatisfying), and she wouldn't have to deal with a spouse's needs and/or quirks of personality.  

Perhaps others could suggest other practical benefits to living as a religious in a cloistered setting. You can't really focus on how being a religious would fulfill your emotional and/or spiritual needs because a parent will always suggest that you can live God in the world on your own time just as easily.

[katherineH]

Dear Ave, I can relate to the pang of speaking with parents. I just had that talk last night with my dad (and with my mom this morning) about how I'm seriously discerning and in the process of applying.  It was certainly difficult, but I found that there were two things that helped: 1. telling them that my intention is not to hurt them, that I care about their feelings and support.  Originally, my parents had said things that implied they thought I was being selfish and didn't care about them.  Reiterating that I want an open and honest dialogue helped a lot. 2. telling them that if I don't at least try it I'd always wonder what would have happened, and that entering postulancy doesn't mean I'm signing my life away and that it is a long discernment process until final vows.  They were sympathetic to the idea of not wanting regrets.  That resonated with them on some level.  

I will be praying for you - our Lord sees your sacrifice and will give you the graces you need. 

[Julie]

I agree that writing a note is a good plan. You might also consider, however, dropping a few little hints beforehand, so they get used to the idea. Since you've entered a community before, this might take a slightly different form, but perhaps you want to introduce the idea of discerning religious life in general before you tell them that you're pretty serious about this one particular community. 

There are a couple ways to do this. Since you live at home, you can always ask to have some vocations material sent by mail. When they see a bunch of envelopes addressed to you from religious communities, it'll introduce the idea. Then, you might try talking to your Dad first. Having him already "on your side" might help you to tell your mom. I  was also sort of wary of my mother's reaction (we're very close) so I told my father first. It was much easier that way.

 

[DameAgnes]

I would give them the note in a public place. Like...take them out for coffee and then give them the note and discuss it in a place where emotions won't have free reign. Or hand them the note right after mass, while you're still in the pew and ask them to read it right there. I'll pray for you. 

[NadaTeTurbe]

Agree about writing. I would say, in your letter, insist about what you learned from your time in the old community. Show them you have understand what was wrong on it, and that the new community is more healthy. 

Do you think the sisters could write a little word for your parents, maybe later ? ("we understand your concern because AMP was in X community... However our community is X, Y, Z... we have the X system to protect us from personnality cult... etc...")

Prayers for you  

[beatitude]

I like the note idea. I also think you could involve your new community in this process. Invite your parents to meet them. Let the other sisters help to put their mind at rest. If this is unlikely to help your mother, you could explain to the prioress what her worries are and see if the prioress can think of some tactful way to allay those fears. As your mother's anxiety comes from your hurt in another community, she needs to see that this one isn't like that, and ultimately your happiness with the other sisters is what will show her - and she needs to see that in action, not just hear about it. After all, I'm sure the first community looked pretty rosy from the outside. She doesn't know that this isn't another case of deceptive appearances.

[BarbTherese]

Hi AveMariaPurissima - Can't offer any advice - but you will be in my daily prayers............Barb

[hep_rsb]

When I told my parents, I wrote them a letter and gave it to them to read while I was out at errands and a dr appt. That gave them the chance to have their first emotional reaction without me around, and so the conversation we had when I got home could be more helpful for all of us.  

Something that helped me during the conversation was thinking about what my parents needed at that moment. They needed me to reassure them that I loved them, that I respect them, and that I am prayerfully and rationally making plans for my life. Other than that, I focused on not trying to defend the my discernment. For example, my Dad is Protestant, and does not find a call to celibacy to be theologically sound as based on reformed theology.  There would be no point to try to convince him of a different point of view. 

Rather I tried to say "if I believed as you do, then yes, I would find celibacy an invalid call. I can see how that would make the idea of my vocation difficult for you."  And left it at that. 

Any sort of debate can happen in later conversations or not at all.  

In your situation I might say "Mom, I can see how the painfulness of last time would make this news especially difficult for you." You wouldn't need to turn it into a conversation of why this time would be different, but instead just leave it at letting her know you understand her unhappiness.

Regardless, it is a difficult conversation to have, and I will be praying for you and your family.