married friends

[MarysLittleFlower]

For anyone who is single... For you find that as your friends get married they just sort of disappear? I think there's only one married friend I have who regularly 'catches up' with me on our lives. Recently a close friend got married and I wonder if our relationship would change too, that would be sad though. I totally understand people are busy. But I do wonder if eventually I'd lose most of my friendships just by losing touch with the person. I'm not planning to marry. Do you find that this happens? How can it be avoided? 

It just makes me sad

Of course not everyone is like that. And I noticed that people who I became friends with after they got married, stay in touch with me. But most of those who I knew when they were single and then married, seem to be difficult to contact. Maybe its just a big change for them and their previous life and friendships seem very far away? 

[marigold]

Yeah, it is a big change, and naturally people will focus on making all those new connections, especially with the spouse's family and network of friends. Definitely in the beginning. That's happened with friends of mine. And sometimes, people really do make a break with the people in their unmarried life; especially if you're friends from school or university, people sometimes just outgrow each other, or feel that they should have new, 'adult' friends now. smells of elderberries but it happens. I've been on the receiving end of it, but I'm pretty sure I've also done it to other people in the context of making new friends at church, or the convent, or even just moving around a lot and people not really knowing where I was. 

I wouldn't totally discount the loneliness of married people either, though. The 'disappearing act' of new married couples from their former circles is such a trope in our culture (at least the anglophone cultures, imo) that people who are getting married can feel somewhat cut off from their unmarried friends whom they see as still forming this club of young people who can do as they please. This is even more the case with new mothers. Everyone assumes that she's too busy with the new baby, or they don't want to disturb her. Some of the loneliest people I have ever met were mothers with newborns or toddlers. And I kind of feel that the way our society is structured is so geared to singularity and loneliness anyway, that I try to stay in touch, even just irregularly, with as many people as possible. Almost nobody is ungrateful for that, in my experience. Sometimes people just don't get back in touch, and that's fine as well, that just means they've outgrown the friendship. But most people are really happy to know that someone is thinking of them. What's your experience been with married friends disappearing? Do they move away, change numbers, etc.? Do you just drift apart or is there a particular moment?

[CatherineM]

That happened to me at your age. It's like you no longer have anything in common. Now it's the opposite for me. I'm married and lots of my old friends aren't anymore. 

[Anomaly]

I'm old enough that my kids could be parents and we have friends we've known since before we were married.   We've discussed this weird phenomenon. There have been times our personal circumstances don't match up.  Married/Single. Kids/No Kids/Diiferent aged Kids. married kids or grandkids.  Life commonality plays a huge role in availablity, schedule, freedom, commitment, etc..  There have been years we rarely talk every month or two and times we see each other multiple times a month even though we live hours apart.   

True friendship takes effort, accommodation, and can weather the test of life. There are a lot of friends/acquaintances that fall to the wayside over the years, but there are also new friends/acquaintances to be made as things change. Life is a great journey.  Sometimes you pause, rarely do you travel backwards, mostly you're going somewhere.  We can't all go the same way at the same time. Enjoy the adventure of making new friends, reconnecting with old friends, all while the scenery changes.  

[Papist]

10 hours ago, MarysLittleFlower said:

For anyone who is single... For you find that as your friends get married they just sort of disappear? I think there's only one married friend I have who regularly 'catches up' with me on our lives. Recently a close friend got married and I wonder if our relationship would change too, that would be sad though. I totally understand people are busy. But I do wonder if eventually I'd lose most of my friendships just by losing touch with the person. I'm not planning to marry. Do you find that this happens? How can it be avoided? 

It just makes me sad

Of course not everyone is like that. And I noticed that people who I became friends with after they got married, stay in touch with me. But most of those who I knew when they were single and then married, seem to be difficult to contact. Maybe its just a big change for them and their previous life and friendships seem very far away? 

Your friend's spouse just hates you.

Srsly though.  That could play a factor. I agree it is sad. I miss some of my friends. They got married and poof, I basically never saw them again.  There are not many spouses out there that will "allow" them to go out to meet me for a drink after work. I have tried and tried to meet up with friends, but they always say they can b/c their wife wants them home. I have no problem with that. Of course, they must choose wife first. It just makes me sad b/c I know they want to meet up and catch up. 

[CatherineM]

The spouse hating you does happen. My best friend in college married a guy who really hated me.  I let her go. I didn't want to be an issue in her marriage. 

[Peace]

Yeah. I am pretty much one of the last few holdouts from among my college friends. People become a lot tougher to catch. I can still get some of my married guy friends to go out for drinks though. I think they like to hear my stories of what it is like to be free.

Are you 100% sure about not marrying though?

Edited December 16, 2015 by Peace

[Spem in alium]

Yes, this has happened with me. One of my best friends from school got married last year. Even during her engagement she drifted away, but now it's even more so. I'm not really too fussed about it as she turned out to be not the nicest of friends, but at the time (when she was cutting off contact) it was quite hurtful. Occasionally we'll get back in touch and she'll say something about how much she wants to see me and she'll check her work roster and let me know when she's free, but then never contacts me again. This has happened more times than I can count now, so I've learned to just take it in my stride and not bother getting upset.

Most of my friends are single, so I suppose I don't really have a huge issue with this. Actually, many of them are young women I've met on discernment retreats. I still keep in touch with friends from school and university, but I find that many of my friendships are very "low-maintenance" - we'll call each other, meet up occasionally, send a card or something, but it's not too much. 

[MarysLittleFlower]

Thanks for the replies everyone! I am pretty sure there are no problems with me and the spouses..  I think my friends probably just entered a different world with their marriage and we can't relate to each other as much... Especially as I don't have an interest in pursuing marriage. But I very much would like to remain friends.. I guess I have a hard time not feeling hurt (though I understand their reasons can be very valid and probably are) - because I do get attached to friends in a way. When I become friends with someone my intent is to always stay friends. I don't know if I should change in this way and take things lighter... But in a way I've realized this is a part of my personality not just with friendships but many things I care about. 

[Nihil Obstat]

Deep friendships take effort. And people change, not only because they get married, but just in general around the same time that they tend to be getting married. I dropped friends, I drifted away from some, but a few I held tight to. It is not necessarily bad to drift away from previously good friends. Sometimes you just become different people. But there is always that small handful of people with whom you can stay close forever. Hold fast to them, and put in whatever effort it takes. Those friends are always worth it. If they are that sort of close friend, they will do the same, and you can nurture that friendship forever.

[MarysLittleFlower]

I noticed that the friends I've had the longest who always keep in touch and respond, are not Catholic. One of them is married and goes to another church. We talk often about spiritual things. But others are not Christian or not practicing. But the Catholic friends I had in university - we were so close and I lost contact with many of them. Those who married I don't really hear from. Its strange cause we share something so deep, our faith. I wonder if I'll keep the friendships I have now at my parish and if that would be different. Many of my current friends are single. I don't know its just odd losing contact with people who i shared so much with, much more than with my non Christian friends. I try to remember they must have a good reason and excuse them. But I do get attached so it still hurts. In a way I began seeing Jesus, Our Blessed Mother and the Saints as closer friends because I know they would always be there with me. 

[Nihil Obstat]

It can also be much more difficult to nurture those deeper friendships if you live far away from each other, e.g. university friends. Obviously it is not impossible. My wife and I stay in touch with her family fairly well. But being family, of course it is a different dynamic. I live near all of my closest friends right now. I have found it more fulfilling and rewarding to develop friendships with people I see in person regularly, mainly people at my church. I think it helps a friendship when you are able to see each other regularly in the course of other activities, i.e. you see each other even when you do not actively plan to meet.

[Norseman82]

I've noticed that things really don't change until they start having children, that's when they start gearing toward child-oriented activities and socialize with other parents.

[elizabeth09]

I feel the same way a little.  I know a girl who is a few months older then me.  Her family and mine spent one weekend a year together, and then when ever we or her family needed help.  She studies in England and met a guy and ended in marriage.  We were never close, but I feel that I don`t even have a guy and she ended up having one.