Break up with my girlfriend?

[Peace]

1 hour ago, Norseman82 said:

2)  Looking at the "big picture", since so much of the dating pool is poisoned (which is why so many good Catholics cannot find compatible spouses), and the two of you have contribued to the contamination through your acts of fornication, then if you break up and seek others, there is a risk that the contamination could affect the non-contaminated parts of the dating pool.  So by trying to staying together, you two could be stopping the contamination from spreading further, and in that way you could atone for what you've done.

LOL. That was a truly classic post. I love Phatmass. 

But I am just going to pretend and operate under the illusion that you did not just write that. I think that would be best for everyone.

[Peace]

1 hour ago, IgnatiusofLoyola said:

I assume a Catholic would go to confession as they would for other sins, and a priest (NOT ANY OF US) would decide the appropriate penance.

I got 5 Hail Marys FWIW.

[beatitude]

33 minutes ago, Peace said:

I got 5 Hail Marys FWIW.

Not long after joining a new parish, as a teenager, I got the entire Sorrowful Mysteries of the Rosary for a sin against chastity, to be prayed before leaving the church if at all possible. When the priest handed that down to me I remember wanting to blurt out indignantly, "But Father, it wasn't THAT bad." It was the first time in my life that I'd got a penance that was anything more than three Our Fathers.

[Peace]

1 hour ago, beatitude said:

Not long after joining a new parish, as a teenager, I got the entire Sorrowful Mysteries of the Rosary for a sin against chastity, to be prayed before leaving the church if at all possible. When the priest handed that down to me I remember wanting to blurt out indignantly, "But Father, it wasn't THAT bad." It was the first time in my life that I'd got a penance that was anything more than three Our Fathers.

My first penance, before my confirmation, was pretty extensive. I don't remember what was on the list, but it took more than a week to complete everything.

That was after a confession that lasted about an hour and a half though. It was not pretty to say the least . . .

[Cam42]

22 hours ago, Era Might said:

Advice is cheap, since the person giving it has no stake in the consequences. But it sounds like you need to figure yourself out before you figure her out. I don't think the issue is that she has no morals, but that you don't know what you want. You're the man, you have to set the terms of the relationship, always. That doesn't mean you have to set the terms of her....she's still her own person, but if she wants to be with you, you need to let it be known who you are, what you want and need, and what you expect. And you have to always be testing her to see if she's going to respond the way you expect...if not, then you have your answer.

So, I know that I'm just "some random guy" on the internet....but Era is right on a lot of levels and I do not disagree with him at all.  I want to add a couple of things that I think might enhance his point of view, as a matter of support to his position and to offer some insight.

The big key to this is that you know what's right and wrong, morally speaking.  We do have to meet people where they are, but we are also to be working to convert their hearts, their souls, and their minds.  That is why relationships are so very, very hard (I'm not just talking from a religious point of view, either).  But whatever we do, we have to stay faithful to ourselves.  There was a time in my life where I really struggled with this.  (I'm super good friends with jaime and he knows the whole deal, but) I can tell you from experience, that anything which convolutes your Catholcism isn't good.  It's actually really, bad.   IF a person does that and is not willing to change or is only paying you lip service, she isn't worth the time.  You have to discern that.

We often forget that the point of dating is to learn if marriage is a possiblity.  It should become clear quickly whether or not it is or it is not.  That is hard, because feelings get in the way, but if the virtue of complementarity isn't there, it most likely won't ever be there.

I will offer my rosary for you and your struggle tonight.  I will keep your intention close as I pray the Office this weekend.  Good luck.

[Ash Wednesday]

I could be completely wrong and off base here (and I'm sorry in advance if I am), but even if you set aside the moral/religious differences -- what I'm reading in your posts is that you feel she's a great person and that you care about her. But I'm not really getting the sense that you love her like a soul mate or potential life partner, or at least moving in that direction. 

I was in a situation where I had a relationship and the guy and I enjoyed each others company and we had a good time together, but we reached a point where we eventually broke up because dating really should be more than just "something to do" -- he was also Catholic and shared my values, but he didn't have marriage remotely on his mind, and I decided I wanted to go to graduate school. So I just didn't see the point of really dating anymore. I cared about him, and some ways even loved him, but didn't love him enough to consider him a soul mate and life partner. He didn't know what to do with his life so once he got over the shock of breaking up, it was actually a relief for him and he was better off when we called it quits. 

When I met my husband, it felt like I went from trying to cram my foot into an ill-fitting shoe to finding the most beautiful and comfortable shoe ever. Everything just fit, there really weren't a lot of questions, and while we had and still have some differences at times -- it was radically different than just trying to date someone and forcing it. 

Avoid dating just for the sake of it. I know that people get to know each other and have to start somewhere. But eventually there does come a point where you realize whether or not the person is truly someone you want to marry and I think that's the point when it's worth asking how much it's worth continuing the relationship. Dating without the goal of seriously discerning marriage is just a waste of time and emotional energy, in my opinion. I learned the hard way. 

[Lilllabettt]

22 minutes ago, IgnatiusofLoyola said:

Huh? How does premarital sex "contaminate" a person more than any other sin? Yes, I guess they could have caught STDs, but unless they were careless, they almost certainly did not. In any case, a simple visit to the doctor at the time of an annual physical could give a clean bill of health. STDs are curable and do not physically contaminate someone forever. Bluntly, I can think of far worse sins than premarital sex.

Why should someone have to make a special "atonement" for premarital sex versus any other sin? If a person were to marry the wrong person so as to not further "contaminate" the dating pool (whatever that means) that would be potentially sentencing them to a lifetime of unhappiness. The couple did not physically assault anyone, or rob someone, or use the host to participate in Satanic rites. I assume a Catholic would go to confession as they would for other sins, and a priest (NOT ANY OF US) would decide the appropriate penance.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. 

Iggy, Norseman once suggested that I offer myself up as a bride to a gay man so as to satisfy that gay man's sexual needs.

this one is possessed of some singular ideas.

[Ash Wednesday]

That was definitely one of our more memorable moments on phatmass. 

[MarysLittleFlower]

10 hours ago, Norseman82 said:

I'm normally a person who is in the "Catholics shouldn't turn their backs on their own kind" camp, but in this case, I think you should give her another chance for two reasons:

1)  If she truly realizes that she is on "shaky ground", then that could be the Holy Spirit working on her to reform.  Maybe at some point if she sees what abortion really does (I know I did not become fervently anti-abortion until I saw pictures of aborted babies), she may change her view.  In short:  I think the situation is salvageable and there are signs of hope she may embrace Catholicism.  Of course, you still have to follow up (for example, she will need to become against artificial birth control as well, which could be a stumbling block in your marriage and your salvation if she does not follow Church teaching and you do).

2)  Looking at the "big picture", since so much of the dating pool is poisoned (which is why so many good Catholics cannot find compatible spouses), and the two of you have contribued to the contamination through your acts of fornication, then if you break up and seek others, there is a risk that the contamination could affect the non-contaminated parts of the dating pool.  So by trying to staying together, you two could be stopping the contamination from spreading further, and in that way you could atone for what you've done.

I don't really understand your second point. What do you mean by contaminated? The reason many devout Catholics can't find compatible spouses is because few people in general probably want to become saints. If someone sinned and repented and is living a good life now how is that not compatible? Are they now "contaminated" people? I don't think that's how God sees them even with the fact that virginity has a special reward. They can't recover it but they can recover purity and their sin is forgiven and gone. 

If someone sees repentant sinners as "contaminated", perhaps they should remember how Our Lord treated St Mary Magdalene.. Maybe I misunderstood your post, I hope so. 

What do you mean and where is your idea from? Maybe I misunderstood. 

Edited December 13, 2015 by MarysLittleFlower

[HisChildForever]

 

10 hours ago, Norseman82 said:

I'm normally a person who is in the "Catholics shouldn't turn their backs on their own kind" camp, 

I'm one of the above. A traitor, apparently.

[Not A Real Name]

I think you should break up.  Not because she is in the wrong, frankly she doesn't know any better, but because you don't seem to be strong enough to live your faith while you are around her.  You do her zero favors telling her about Catholicism while committing mortal sins.  I know you said you stopped doing the "martial act", but you need to ask yourself if you will be strong enough to resist her demands if she folds on this resolution.  Plus as others have stated, if marriage is not what you are working towards then you have no business being in a relationship. 

[Norseman82]

9 hours ago, IgnatiusofLoyola said:

Huh? How does premarital sex "contaminate" a person more than any other sin? Yes, I guess they could have caught STDs, but unless they were careless, they almost certainly did not. In any case, a simple visit to the doctor at the time of an annual physical could give a clean bill of health. STDs are curable and do not physically contaminate someone forever. Bluntly, I can think of far worse sins than premarital sex.

Why should someone have to make a special "atonement" for premarital sex versus any other sin? If a person were to marry the wrong person so as to not further "contaminate" the dating pool (whatever that means) that would be potentially sentencing them to a lifetime of unhappiness. The couple did not physically assault anyone, or rob someone, or use the host to participate in Satanic rites. I assume a Catholic would go to confession as they would for other sins, and a priest (NOT ANY OF US) would decide the appropriate penance.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Actually, St. Paul in 1 Corinthians 6 singles out fornication as a special class of sin.  He felt so strongly that he used the image of being united to a prostitute. Like the saying goes, when you sleep with someone, you sleep with everyone they slept with, and everyone they slept with, and so on, and so on.  And at Fatima, Mary said that more people would go to hell for "sins of the flesh" than any other sin.  One of the reasons this culture has sunk down the toilet is because people don't take this seriously.enough.  Sure, it happened in the past, but there used to be a sense of shame and guilt about it that kept society in check.

7 hours ago, Peace said:

I got 5 Hail Marys FWIW.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghq-AOHQBR0

4 hours ago, Lilllabettt said:

Iggy, Norseman once suggested that I offer myself up as a bride to a gay man so as to satisfy that gay man's sexual needs.

this one is possessed of some singular ideas.

If you recall correctly, that was in response to one of your harsh insensitive mocking posts in order to get you to stop.

And it worked.

[Peace]

1 hour ago, Not A Real Name said:

You don't seem to be strong enough to live your faith while you are around her.

How did you arrive at this conclusion?

[Not A Real Name]

Just now, Peace said:

How did you arrive at this conclusion?

Your admission to performing the martial act with your girlfriend. 

[Peace]

9 minutes ago, Not A Real Name said:

Your admission to performing the martial act with your girlfriend. 

Anything else - or was that it?

Several folks in this thread seem to have asked the question so I may as well clarify - I date in order to get married. That is the end game for any relationship that I am in, including the one that I am in now.

Peace