I'm feeling frustrated for a lot of reasons

[NadaTeTurbe]

Okay, so it will sound a little stupid and immature, but I need to speak about it. 

So today, I learned that I can't go to World Youth Day for monetary reasons (it costs 600 €, my parents are atheist so I don't want to ask them to pay (+ they have to pay for my brother's babies), and I can't work more). I'm a little sad about it, because I really wanted to go. I had saved up a little of monney to go, and I think I will use it to go to Taizé this summer, it's a good thing and I'm trying to see the positive. 

But I'm feeling very frustrated about monney. My family doesn't have a lot of monney, we have to pay for college who is 4000 €/year (when normal college, i.e not catholic, is 150 €/year...). But we're not poor at all. I can not work a lot (I already have a little work, I volunteer, I do music, and I'm easily tired, so I can't do more). I live at my parent's house who is one hour from college, so it's two hours in the tramway by days. When I was in high school, I never felt frustrated by monney - nobody had it, so we did picnic at the lake and it was cool. But now that I am at a catholic college, all the people around me have a ton of monney, and I can't do anything with them. I'm always invited to go to the restaurant, bars, etc... but I can't because I can't pay. I suggested to do free things - but they never say yes, and they don't seem to understand that some people have no monney. Last time, a girl was laughing because "you still live with your parents ?" Yes, I still live with my parents, and I will live with them until the end of my studies, because we can't pay for something who is disable-friendly in the center of my city. There's people at college, they are catholic, but they are out of touch with reality. Last time I was with a man who did four years of seminary. Once, there was a block of flats, and he was "it's ugly, horrible, I pity people living in..." I told him I knew this block of flats, it was nice, and the neighbourhood is nice. I said I lived in a flat, in a muslim neighbourhood, and he looked at me like if I was a zebra in a zoo : "Oh, you lived in a flat ? And there's muslims ? I could never live like this..." I felt so bad and humiliated, and frustrated that someone who could have been a priest did not know reality. Some people are so privileged, it's frustrating because I feel very alone, and I can not do anything with them. Some people here want to do evangelization, but they have never left their catholic bubble (someone told me "your parents are atheist ? I have never meet atheist")... How can you speak to the heart of people that you don't know or despise ? 

It's all, I know it's not a big deal, I just needed to speak about it. THank you 

[Gabriela]

It is a big deal, Nada, and I've been where you are. (I'm still there, actually.) It has also been my experience that people who have never known financial hardship can be totally oblivious to the constraints on someone who has them. They can be very inconsiderate and even snobbish. And I agree as well that people who have never left their bubble are oblivious to the requirements of evangelizing people whose whole world is fundamentally different from theirs.

That being said, I'm reminded of what Mother Theresa said to a woman who approached her in New York City. The woman worked a very high-paying job, but was frustrated with the emptiness of it. When she saw Mother Theresa, she said to her that she would love very much to come do the work of the sisters in Calcutta. Mother Theresa replied to her, "But you don't have to leave America to make a difference. There are many types of poverty. Here, there is spiritual poverty. You can alleviate that where you are."

The people you describe (and whom I have known) also suffer from serious spiritual poverty. Because they've never known financial poverty, they've grown comfortable and attached, spoiled even. Their hearts are closed to people who can't live like them because they're afraid that those people will threaten their comfort.

You can alleviate that where you are. But first, you must recognize that what you're experiencing in these interactions is a form of suffering, and it is a blessing.

We're here to help you bear it, dear sister. 

[Ash Wednesday]

Have courage, friend. Remember, this will pass. 

I had to live with my parents for a great deal of time I studied at university. At times it was very isolating. I tried to use that time constructively, more time for studying and prayer. If anyone asked how I could stand living with my parents, I'd explain to them that I was paying for my own education -- and that if my living with my parents bothered them so much, they could feel free to write me a check.

People of privilege are to be pitied more than anything else. Those that reach their goals despite more adversity usually come out with stronger work ethic, better real world skills, more humility and more appreciation for the things they do have.

 

[CatherineM]

I'm also from a poor family. I had friends who went skiing on holidays, but I couldn't go. I couldn't go to Catholic high school with my parochial school friends because we couldn't afford it. I went to a public high school and then a state university.  I was ashamed of my parents' cars and our small home.

When I finally got money after becoming a lawyer, I went a bit nuts. Tailored suits, custom Italian shoes, and long vacations. Then I became disabled and became poor again. I grieved for the money I had wasted. I don't do that anymore. Grieving for stuff you don't have is an even bigger waste  

I have found happiness in poverty.  I prefer simple handmade clothes.  I enjoy doing free or cheap things.  That's where my friends are, they are volunteers at the homeless shelter or people who work at Catholic Charities.  I haven't seen my college friends in at least 25 years.  College is a short time.  You will have the rest of your life to make friends.  You're job now is to focus on your studies.  

 

[Era Might]

Have you ever read "Diary of a Country Priest" by Georges Bernanos? It's a great book and about exactly what you're frustrated with. He's a country priest in Catholic France, but he's not well-off like other priests, not well-connected, not smart, not especially holy, and still, he's not a peasant or a worker, he's just a plain country priest trying to survive in the Catholic ghetto. There's a powerful scene between the priest and a local wife whose family is well-off but who lives in the hypocrosies of her class, and the pride that comes with it.

Don't live by other peoples' expectations or standards. They want you to live their lives. Live your own. You may be a failure to some, or a success to others, but their standards of failure or success are theirs. Being a success to others can be a failure to yourself. Listen to Thoreau:

"I, on my side, require of every writer, first or last, a simple and sincere account of his own life, and not merely what he has heard of other men's lives; some such account as he would send to his kindred from a distant land; for if he has lived sincerely, it must have been in a distant land to me."

Edited December 8, 2015 by Era Might

[Tab'le De'Bah-Rye]

Yeah i agree Nada De Turba that many catholics dont understand that some people have little to no money, which shows signs of supreme lack of understanding and lack of charity to not offer to pay for you or offer to do something that costs little to no money at least on the odd occasion. This saddens me, most christians i know(catholic and others) have absolutely no sense of true charity and seem to like to humiliate people and play God hiding behind the scripture that says "ask and you will recieve" and terribly forget the whole "seek and you will find." This is disgusting and the sin of Sloth to not actually look for those brothers and sisters that are struggling financially and offer whatever assistance that you can if you can. For alas how can one truly love the God he can not see if he does not truly love the people he can see.

I am also poor and get excluded from the social network of the church and quiet frankly i shouldn't give to hoots because there not really Christians i want to know though truly i want to be around them to encourage them to be more charitable aside from throwing money into the church coffers or various other charities, many poor are missing out on the essential part of the way 'body building' and that is fellowship because they have not the finances to do what others are doing. Again i'm unsure i want there fellowship anyway, i have been out with them before when i have had money and they dont build the body at all (talk about Jesus), but also again i do so desire to encourage them to do so. I fear such self indulgence will have them damned for eternity as parading hypocrites that know neither the truth nor how to bow down to the truth.

Edited December 9, 2015 by Tab'le De'Bah-Rye

[NadaTeTurbe]

First, thank you all for your kind words. You're amazing ! 

What frustrate me is that I'm not even poor. My parents are low middle class. When I was little, I was angry at my father, because he did not work a lot (he wanted to spend time with us and to help my mom). I told him horrible things. Later, I was ashamed of this. My parents did choices in their life. Their priority is family's life. We don't have a nice house, but we have books and the memories of many trips across Europe. They are involved in slow food, degrowth movement - as said my mom "Monney is a way to do things, not a goal" ("L'argent c'est un moyen, pas une fin."). My closest friends are like them. Why going to the restaurant, when we have a cool lake to picnic ? 

I guess I'm also frustrated with the Church in France. It's more and more about the little catholic bubble - the rich catholic bubble. Example. There's a movement for the catholic in the most important schools of the country - kind of the Ivy League. This movement have a chaplain, monney, etc... But is there a movement for catholic in CAP - i.e who are learning a manual work at 16 ? Nop. Nothing. Sometimes I wish I could put in my Joan of Arc armor and reform the Church of France. 

I think I'm also tired to be a pet in a zoo. This week was full of strangers in the streets asking me why I was in a wheelchair - I want to go to school, I'm not here to explain to you what is Elhers Danlos Syndrom. Also tired of being called "the convert". I was a convert when I converted. Now I'm fully catholic. Period. 

Gabriela, I agree with you about spiritual poverty. It's really strange because they're all faithfull catholic, but sometimes I wonder if they are catholic by faith, or catholic because they have been raised catholic, all their social life is in the catholic church, etc... The Gospel of the Rich Young man come to mind. I was speaking with m college chaplain last time. Told me "some people have a hard time to understand that the catholic church is about god and not about meeting your future husband or wife." 

Ash Wesdnesday, I will take your "feel free to write a check" sentence :D 

Catherine, it's true that I have to keep in mind - college is college. It's not because TV series, books, etc... told us that it is the most important years of our life that it is. It was the same with high school. Everybody was "Enjoy your High school years ! They're the best". I did the whole high school life until the last year where I said "No. It is not the best and I'm sure there's a life after high school". Same for college. 

Era, you're speaking about one of my favorite author. He is one of the greatest - his life and his books. The Diary of a country priest is one of my favorite. I think that now, in France, there's a lot of "country priest". Priest who are not connected to the powerfull communities, who are just trying to live their life of priest. I know the "don't live by other people expectations or standards" in theory. It's the application who is the hardest. I think it's why I have never been comfortable with youth group in the Church - because it's like high or middle school, there's a lot of judgement. I volunteer in my parish with old people, family, or some other youth - no judgement, no "youth spirit". You can not become an adult if you spend all your time with young. Better for the peace of mind. 

Again, thank you all, I will read again your posts because you make me remeber what is important and what is not. God bless you. You're all in my prayers. 

[MarysLittleFlower]

That makes me sad.. It shouldn't be like this. How can we as Catholics place money so highly when Our Lord was poor and so many Saints were poor? My parish isn't really like that because there are many large families that don't have too much money and yet they are respected (I hope) for being faithful. Its a different culture and situation here.

But I can relate not having too much money... My family struggled financially as I was growing up and still does, and I grew up with less fashionable cheaper clothes and we lived in apartments (flats) most of my life. Now I'm on my own but I often have no money to go places with people.

over time I began caring less about how much money I have and somehow rejoicing more in not being wealthy, because it helps to be more detached and to be together with those who are not wealthy in the world. But I am sure its harder to rejoice in that when people you know are surprised by less money and things they have not experienced. My friends have been kind and many aren't rich either. I guess its just a different society. In ways I still feel lonely at times being a convert too and only child from a non Catholic family. What helped me is just trying to see it more from God's perspective. Every person in the Church has a unique mission.

Maybe through you, your friends can learn about things like evangelization. I know often there's a desire to just not stand out. Maybe you are different from them in ways but to me there's good in that too; you know a world that they maybe do not and your mission from God would be completely your own and in the Church, in the spiritual reality (even if not always acknowledged by people), we are all one in Christ, and that is deeper than any worldly differences like how the Scriptures say. At the same time ways in which we are distinct are good and one part of the Mystical Body can't say to another that it is less. I know it must hurt though when things other than being Catholic get over emphasized in a way that puts you down instead of seeing the beauty of variety in people... Its like - who cares if I'm poor or rich or convert or not or whatever, I'm Catholic!