Parent Asking for Dating Advice . . . Yaaaaaaay

[PartesVulpiumErunt]

So, bit of background. My mother is civilly divorced from my father for ten years. She is nominally Catholic, although she hasn't attended Mass in the last year and a half due to "her headaches". (They seem to come and go, but that's another story.) She is close to retirement age. She has never bothered to get an annulment.  

Anyhow, my mother has recently started talking about dating again. I give perfunctory answer and change subject, thinking it's just another passing fancy of hers. Well, she brings it up again yesterday, mentions she's on a dating website, and then asks if I'll be her chaperone for her upcoming dates.

After showing me her most recent "gentleman caller" (a fellow with the raw animal magnetism of George Wendt) and listing to me all the priests this guy has ever known in his life, I tell her what I've told her any time before when this topic comes up - if she doesn't have an annulment, then getting back into the dating game is not only futile, it's downright dangerous to her soul. She counters by saying that she needs someone to take care of her and all her medical issues when I've left for seminary - me being her primary caregiver.

I need prayers, first and foremost, but I also need advice. If she keeps pushing this, what should I tell her? And what to do about making sure she has care if I go to seminary?

[MarysLittleFlower]

I don't have this situation but I'm considering religious life while being an only child so for me it's also confusing knowing how to provide for my parents' old age. I wish I had advice on this but I'm in the same boat with that. Maybe that's something to ask a spiritual director if you have one? But regarding the dating thing with your mother, maybe you could suggest she speak to a priest about getting an annulment? and if she qualifies for one, then it won't be dangerous anymore for her soul and she'll be taken care of. If she doesn't have sufficient grounds for an annulment then that's another story and maybe that's something to discuss with the priest then. Of course I'd recommend praying a lot for your mother, like maybe the 54 day Rosary novena? God bless you!

[Papist]

She knows you are a faithful Catholic, yes? If so, then she probably knows how you see this situation, which is she is still married.  She will always have good/valid reasons (in her mind) to do what she wants. There are no magic words to convert her. Do not fool yourself in believing that if you just says the right thing to her she will run to confession and become an enthusiastic Catholic. My advice to you is to zip it. If she forces you, I would simply and kindly say, Mom I see this as the Church sees this.   I also advise do not answer questions that are not asked. It is important that you remain present with her.

I have this same exact situation with my brother right now.  He has been separated/divorced for about 5 years and now has a girlfriend. I have down well to hold my tongue. My fear is if he ends up marrying, that my will be forced.

[MarysLittleFlower]

for sure I wouldn't "lecture" her or anything, that would not get her to Confession. I like the idea to say "mom I see this as the Church sees it". But would it be a good idea to suggest to speak to a priest about an annulment, if she wants to? I dont' know your mom though, maybe you'd know better if that could help or not meanwhile I'd just pray and talk to a spiritual director how to help her be taken care of with her health

[PartesVulpiumErunt]

At the very least she is talking about going to see a priest about this. I just hope she follows through on it. She's been trying to shift a lot of blame onto my dad as well ("Why doesn't he have to get am annulment?") I'm only answering questions as they come up, not trying to lecture. I think another 54 Day Novena would be a good idea at this point.

[elizabeth09]

Novena for sure.

If she does marry again, I am sure she can't marry in a Catholic Church due to some law.

Sorry that I can't be a big help.

Edited December 4, 2015 by elizabeth09

[CatherineM]

Have you thought about taking her through the process?  I did a bunch of this kind of paperwork working st the Tribunal. Dealt with a lot of women like your mom. She might not want to admit that the marriage was a mistake or bring old stuff up. She might mistakenly believe it would make you illegitimate. She might be afraid she doesn't have grounds. 

Mid suggest you call the tribunal. Get the paperwork for her. Help her full of out. Investigate possible grounds. If you want this done, you might have to do 75% of it. 

[Gabriela]

I second CatherineM's advice. Before you leave for seminary, getting her through the annulment process may be the very best thing you can do for your mom. And it's the Year of Mercy, so, if I have not totally misunderstood stuff, annulments may be easier to get this year. (That sounds awful. Is it wrong? @CatherineM?)

After you leave for seminary, your sister can step up to care for her. You're not an only child, so don't worry about that. And anyway, you'll be a priest in a parish, so visiting her and possibly even caring for some of her needs isn't totally out of the question.

When I was discerning a religious vocation, I worried a lot about what would happen to my father if I entered. I'm really the only person in the family he talks to on a regular basis, and he's getting old. Other people in our family drive him nuts. A sister in a community I was discerning with once told me that my entering may force others in the family to step up for him, thus healing those relationships. That sounded reasonable. God does bring good to those who offer up their lives for Him. So I wouldn't worry about what would happen post-entrance.

As for the dating: I'd go with Papist's phrase, "Mom, I see this as the Church sees this". Avoid answering questions that weren't asked. Bring home the annulment paperwork.

[CatherineM]

Easier to get is relative. It may be cheaper if not free, and perhaps quicker to get a decision, but the grounds are the same. 

I knew a priest whose mom lived in the rectory with him. She cooked and cleaned.