How to make a choice?

[Julie de Sales]

I haven't been very active on VS, but maybe you have some thoughts/advice for my situation. I'm very confused right now because even if I know for sure that I want to become a sister, I have no idea where or when (but mostly where  ). I know a lot of congregations both active and contemplative, both in my country and outside of it (I live in Europe) but I'm not able to pick one. For every community I see positive and negative aspects: in one place I love the charism but I don't feel called to a pure contemplative life in the cloister (besides, those sisters are not even in my country). In another place, I like their apostolate but feel no particular attraction towards their spirituality/charism. Or, it can also happen, that I feel called to their initial charism and apostolate, but the way the sisters live out this vocation today doesnt appeal to me (as I am more traditional). 

I know that the general advice when choosing a community is to go where you think you would be a good fit, but when I go visit, I never get the impression that God is telling me "this is it" but neither "here is not your place, keep searching". So I can't enter but I also can't move on. This creates difficulties also with the community, because they expect me to give them an answer after an experience, let's say, but I can't say neither yes or no. Maybe what I'm doing wrong is that I visit for brief periods of time, one or two weeks, and I should stay longer in order to make up my mind; but I fear that even with staying longer, I would be in the same situation.

The priests that I have talked to about this told me that the choice of a community is personal and I have to go where I feel called, but you see that I have no idea. I have prayed about it, but no answer so far...what should I do? I want to take the step to enter, I think I'm ready, but where to go? 

 

[katherineH]

Hi Julie de Sales!

I think it is perfectly fine to visit a community once and to not have an initial reaction.  Discernment can become quite sensationalized and women expect to go on a retreat and have their hearts pierced by a sword like St. Teresa! Often times, it is a slow building of confidence and attraction towards a community and their charism.  Are there any communities that you have visited multiple times? I don't think it is fair of a community to expect you to visit once and know right away if you are called to them.  You are on the Holy Spirit's timetable, not theirs. Are there a few communities that you feel more attracted to? Just keep visiting them and see what happens and if your heart is moved in one direction.  Maybe that will help alleviate the pressure you are putting on yourself to figure it out. You wouldn't go on a first date with someone and expect to know at the end of the date if you are called to marry them.  Adjusting expectations for your visits might bring you more peace . And finally, no community will be perfect.  Wherever you end up, there will likely be aspects that you wished they did differently. So it is ok to visit and not be 100% in love with everything they do

 

[TheresaThoma]

Sometimes one visit is all it takes to know either way about a community. There was one community that I really thought I was called to after one visit. But after more discernment and talking it over with a trusted spiritual advisor I realized I was not in fact called there. I think the biggest thing is to find someone who knows you well all around (spiritually and otherwise) and talk your experiences over with them. This may be a spiritual director or just a good friend. Having a "sounding board" can help you work out if a community is one you want to continue discerning with or if you don't feel called there. Sometimes just the verbalization of your experiences with and feelings about a community can help you better discern. 

[Gabriela]

I had this feeling the last time I visited a community. I had no reason to say no to them, but I also didn't feel a positive call. I determined that, if God is saying nothing, it means, "Stay the course." In other words: "Keep on going down the path you're on. I will tell you when to turn." That's how He's always worked in my life. Mostly He's silent, so I just keep on. Only when I hear Him do I make a change. I used to feel super-anxious about this, but at a certain point, I realized that, by not saying anything, He was saying something.

So if you're not feeling a positive call, keep doing what you're doing. And I think it's worth asking yourself—just for the sake of total personal honesty—whether religious life is really something God is calling you to, or just something you personally really, really want. It doesn't hurt to revisit that question at various points in your discernment journey. If there really is a call from God, He'll make it clear again each time. And if He does that, then you keep visiting communities, and wait for the word.

[Nunsuch]

If you can, read about the founder, read their history, read books that are reflective of their spirituality. Does their spirit speak to you? And talk with their vocation director and a spiritual director. Pray!

[MarysLittleFlower]

Its helped me to think of two things that we shouldn't make decisions when we are in some sort of "emptiness", and also that sometimes God wouldn't "speak" and just wants us to trust. These two ideas seem contradictory but what I mean is, by growing in trust we get less anxious which helps us to open up more, and be more disposed to receive an answer. But in all things its His timing! Maybe you just haven't found the community. Or maybe you have but you'll realize it later.  I also feel drawn to consecrated life but I don't know where. It reminds me of the girls I know who are called to marriage but don't know which man. Mostly its a matter of time as you grow in discerment maybe God wants to develop your discernment more before you understand which community. Its difficult to wait but we must not rush ahead of God

3 hours ago, Gabriela said:

I had this feeling the last time I visited a community. I had no reason to say no to them, but I also didn't feel a positive call. I determined that, if God is saying nothing, it means, "Stay the course." In other words: "Keep on going down the path you're on. I will tell you when to turn." That's how He's always worked in my life. Mostly He's silent, so I just keep on. Only when I hear Him do I make a change. I used to feel super-anxious about this, but at a certain point, I realized that, by not saying anything, He was saying something.

So if you're not feeling a positive call, keep doing what you're doing. And I think it's worth asking yourself—just for the sake of total personal honesty—whether religious life is really something God is calling you to, or just something you personally really, really want. It doesn't hurt to revisit that question at various points in your discernment journey. If there really is a call from God, He'll make it clear again each time. And if He does that, then you keep visiting communities, and wait for the word.

I think personally its fine to wait for God as you describe, if that's how He works in your life, but I would be careful about expecting God to show you each time that He wants religious life as a way to 'test' the call. He may want it but want you instead to trust what you felt in the past, instead of giving you the same thing again. Its up to Him if He decides to show again, but I don't think we have to ask continually. We can just have confidence in the time we did feel a call and keep it in our hearts

Whether God wants to strengthen it again or help us grow in trust, is up to Him

Edited December 2, 2015 by MarysLittleFlower

[veritasluxmea]

It's a tough topic and there's no black and white answer. 

How do you make a choice? You meet with a spiritual director who is very well-versed and experienced in St. Ignatious' advanced rules of discernment, and over a period of weeks/moths discern God's will with them guiding you. Maybe ask your diocesan vocation director about finding a spiritual director for vocational discernment. 

[bardegaulois]

15 hours ago, veritasluxmea said:

It's a tough topic and there's no black and white answer. 

How do you make a choice? You meet with a spiritual director who is very well-versed and experienced in St. Ignatious' advanced rules of discernment, and over a period of weeks/moths discern God's will with them guiding you. Maybe ask your diocesan vocation director about finding a spiritual director for vocational discernment. 

A great suggestion. I'd dare say that anyone having difficulty with decisions would do well to revisit Ignatian spirituality to some extent. I've found Fr Gallagher's series of podcasts to be a good introduction: http://www.discerninghearts.com/catholic-podcasts/fr-timothy-gallagher-discernment-of-spirits/.

[Gabriela]

7 hours ago, bardegaulois said:

A great suggestion. I'd dare say that anyone having difficulty with decisions would do well to revisit Ignatian spirituality to some extent. I've found Fr Gallagher's series of podcasts to be a good introduction: http://www.discerninghearts.com/catholic-podcasts/fr-timothy-gallagher-discernment-of-spirits/.

Or his books. Or his tv series.  

[vee]

I just go eeny meeny miney moe...

 

maybe I should jsut go back to the lame board

[Julie de Sales]

Thank you for your insights, I definitely feel a positive call for religious life (I want at least to try it out) so it seems strange to me that God wouldn't lead me to a community where I would be a good fit. During this summer I was talking to a priest that strongly encouraged me not to wait anymore, so I was like: why would God tell me by his minister to make a choice on one hand, but, on the other hand, He is not giving me any direction where to go? And at that moment I was ok with the idea that maybe it's not time yet and I should just continue to do what I'm doing; and when I took the decision to continue to study until a more clear sign, I felt I was unfaithful to God for not following my vocation. Now I'm starting to get more impatient to make a move, but I'm still stuck. I keep getting this contradictory messages and don't know what to do anymore...:(

[marigold]

1 hour ago, Julie de Sales said:

Thank you for your insights, I definitely feel a positive call for religious life (I want at least to try it out) so it seems strange to me that God wouldn't lead me to a community where I would be a good fit. During this summer I was talking to a priest that strongly encouraged me not to wait anymore, so I was like: why would God tell me by his minister to make a choice on one hand, but, on the other hand, He is not giving me any direction where to go? And at that moment I was ok with the idea that maybe it's not time yet and I should just continue to do what I'm doing; and when I took the decision to continue to study until a more clear sign, I felt I was unfaithful to God for not following my vocation. Now I'm starting to get more impatient to make a move, but I'm still stuck. I keep getting this contradictory messages and don't know what to do anymore...:(

There is a rich world of making friends with nuns in between the fence posts of Deciding That I'm Going To Do It and Entering One Particular Community. You say you feel strongly that you should do something, and a priest you know is backing you up on this, so just put out into the deep and go somewhere!  You might be doing this already, I don't know. Day visits, volunteering, having a sneaky peek into one of their services without announcing yourself, calling up for a chat with the vocation director...the possibilities are endless and they don't need to have a direction at this point. I forget where you are, but there's got to be something somewhere nearby you. God is not wringing his hands that you'll make the 'wrong choice' and he won't be able to get a word in edgeways, nor is he going to be 'offended' by anything you do. (To be offended, he would have to have an ego! That sounds a lot like someone else we know about, and want to avoid!) 

Nuns are amazing, such an array of different personalities and life experiences, from all over the world, and all with beautiful spiritual gifts. I've never met such interesting people as in convents. Enjoy it, this stage is a lot of fun!

Edited December 3, 2015 by marigold

[Sponsa-Christi]

1 hour ago, Julie de Sales said:

Thank you for your insights, I definitely feel a positive call for religious life (I want at least to try it out) so it seems strange to me that God wouldn't lead me to a community where I would be a good fit. During this summer I was talking to a priest that strongly encouraged me not to wait anymore, so I was like: why would God tell me by his minister to make a choice on one hand, but, on the other hand, He is not giving me any direction where to go? And at that moment I was ok with the idea that maybe it's not time yet and I should just continue to do what I'm doing; and when I took the decision to continue to study until a more clear sign, I felt I was unfaithful to God for not following my vocation. Now I'm starting to get more impatient to make a move, but I'm still stuck. I keep getting this contradictory messages and don't know what to do anymore...:(

Unless the priest you mentioned was someone who knows you extremely well---e.g., a spiritual director, long-term regular confessor, or maybe a parish priest who has known you personally since your childhood, etc.---I actually wouldn't take what he said about your discernment process all that seriously. I certainly wouldn't let it trouble my conscience. 

God does speak through his ministers when they proclaim the teachings of the Church or make certain administrative decisions that they are legitimately charged with making (such as when a bishop assigns a priest somewhere), but one priest's opinion is not the same thing as the voice of God. The matter of when/where/if/how quickly you should enter religious life is something which is entirely between you and the Lord. 

Sometimes, too, I've found that holy diocesan priests in their zeal tend to encourage women to "just try out!" religious life in a way that is somewhat imprudent. 

Religious life is an objectively good thing for the Church and a good thing for those who are called to it. However, even in the best of circumstances, when you enter religious life you are putting yourself in a very vulnerable situation. You want to enter a community because you have peacefully and prayerfully discerned that God has shown you the right place at the right time. On the other hand, you don't want to enter because you feel like you "should," or because someone has given you the idea that you should be settled by now. 

[Gabriela]

6 hours ago, Julie de Sales said:

Thank you for your insights, I definitely feel a positive call for religious life (I want at least to try it out) so it seems strange to me that God wouldn't lead me to a community where I would be a good fit. During this summer I was talking to a priest that strongly encouraged me not to wait anymore, so I was like: why would God tell me by his minister to make a choice on one hand, but, on the other hand, He is not giving me any direction where to go? And at that moment I was ok with the idea that maybe it's not time yet and I should just continue to do what I'm doing; and when I took the decision to continue to study until a more clear sign, I felt I was unfaithful to God for not following my vocation. Now I'm starting to get more impatient to make a move, but I'm still stuck. I keep getting this contradictory messages and don't know what to do anymore...:(

First, I wholeheartedly support what Sponsa-Christi just said. I was about to say exactly the same thing about "God's holy ministers" when I read her post. You wouldn't believe some of the bad advice I've heard priests give. Priests are just men. They can make mistakes, be careless, have agendas, etc. Unless that priest is your SD, take it with a grain of salt.

Then again, you sound like you are genuinely open to NOT being called to RL, in which case, your strong feelings that you ARE called to RL are really meaningful. What are the reasons you haven't decided on a particular community? Is it because "they all seem so wonderful" or because "that one has that thing I'm just not sure fits me, and that one does that thing I really don't connect with"? For how long have you sustained contact with the various individual communities?

If you're willing to answer these questions, it might help us to help you. (But again, your SD is the best advice-giver you've got. After Jesus, anyway. )

[emma8201986]

This is another topic on which I feel qualified to comment.  I was not initially in favor of Emma's decision to discern a religious vocation but she persuaded me that this was the only way she would be happy and what parent does not wish for their children's happiness.  Emma is a very analytical person.  She communicated with and visited quite a few communities - some we talked about, some I probably never heard her mention.  But when it came time to make a choice, she was a little concerned that she didn't have an epiphany when she visited any one particular community - in other words there was no moment when she said "Aha, I feel in my soul that this is home."  So she looked at the apostolate of the community - was this something that interested her.  She spent time with the sisters - did she genuinely like them - could she be friends with them.  Did she feel like she fit in.  I remember her saying after she visited Nashville that the sisters were lovely but she just didn't feel like she could be herself there.  (Probably, in my opinion, because her language can be a bit salty and she was more terrified of saying the wrong word there than anywhere else!)  All the communities she visited were prayerful and she enjoyed their religious practices so in the end, it was the non-religious aspects of the community that most influenced her decision.  She has been with the Apostles of the Sacred Heart a few months now and is very happy so I guess, at least as far as she has gotten in her discernment, she still feels like she made the right decision.