Family

[katherineH]

Hello Phatmass friends,

I will be submitting my application to a religious community on wednesday 

The reality that I will be separated from my family has really been hitting me hard.  As in crying every day about it.  If I am admitted to the community and enter next summer, I will be able to write them letters and have monthly phone calls, which I realize is a lot more communication than other communities grant.  However, the pain and sadness are sharp.  I am 25 and have been living on my own since 18, and it is not like I've been attached to my parents' hip for years, so I'm surprised that it is so difficult for me.  Do you have any advice or words of wisdom on how to cope with all these feelings? I'm trying to entrust all of them to our Lord and have faith that my vocation will be a blessing to my family, but gosh darn it, it's just hard sometimes. 

Edited November 10, 2015 by katherineH

[chrysostom]

First of all, congratulations on making the decision to submit your application.  Prayers for you.

Do your parents support your vocation?  If so, Deo gratias.  That's always wonderful.  If not, prayers of course.

My living circumstances have been rather similar to yours.  If I do submit an application when the time comes, I don't really know how I will feel about it.  I guess I will have to wait and see. It will certainly hit them harder as they (not being Catholic) have opposed even the hypothetical consideration of religious life I have brought up.  I sometimes wonder if the only way that they will be converted is by the offering of my life in prayer and obedience through religious life.  I am sure that your vocation will be a superabundant source of grace for your family and that your sadness can itself be a beautiful way to unite yourself to Jesus.

Are there saints or blesseds that you have a special devotion for?  Talk to them about it.  I have done that in the past and knew without a doubt that I had found a real friend.  It is a comfort.

An idea someone mentioned on another thread.  Write an old monk about it.  See what he says.

 

Honestly I don't know how to empathize since I'm not at that point yet.  Plus I am a robot who doesn't understand human feelings.    But keep us posted.   

Edited November 10, 2015 by chrysostom

[Luigi]

As I was thinking what I could possibly say in reply, I noticed that my language sounded very like what I'd say at a funeral and also at a wedding. But WTH - here goes. 

The funeral part: You may be leaving them (instead of them leaving you), but you'll always have them in your heart and on your mind. And to that extent, they'll still be 'with' you. 

The wedding part: You may be losing a sister (or brother, or however many of whoever you have), but you're gaining a lot of new sisters and mothers. (The old adage is, "You're not losing a daughter; you're gaining a son.") And then there's the Biblical verse about "a man shall leave his mother, and a woman leave her home, and they shall cleave to each other." It seems to me that joining an order/congregation/monastery is similar. 

So taking up religious life is rather like a death (in the sense of the loss) but also rather like a marriage (in the sense of beginning a new lifelong relationship). It's symbolic death and actual new life. It's death and resurrection. Monks & nuns enact that at the time of final vows, don't they? 

Plus, your family gets to come visit you sometimes, and - depending on the order - you may get to make home visits, too.

 

I don't know if these bits will help - it's not practical "how to deal with it" information, but it's all I have.  

 

 

Edited November 10, 2015 by Luigi

[marigold]

Hello Phatmass friends,

I will be submitting my application to a religious community on wednesday 

The reality that I will be separated from my family has really been hitting me hard.  As in crying every day about it.  If I am admitted to the community and enter next summer, I will be able to write them letters and have monthly phone calls, which I realize is a lot more communication than other communities grant.  However, the pain and sadness are sharp.  I am 25 and have been living on my own since 18, and it is not like I've been attached to my parents' hip for years, so I'm surprised that it is so difficult for me.  Do you have any advice or words of wisdom on how to cope with all these feelings? I'm trying to entrust all of them to our Lord and have faith that my vocation will be a blessing to my family, but gosh darn it, it's just hard sometimes. 

I think for me the best thing has been accepting that pain and sadness about family will come and go, and sort of... letting it happen, without holding it tight, or trying to pretend it's not there. This can't really be described, but you will know when it happens.

In general I would not swap monastery life for anything, and like you I cut the apron strings pretty early, but I've also cried myself to sleep because out of the blue I just missed my family so much. I'm very lucky in that the abbess is the sort of person I could go and cry to in the middle of the night if I really needed, but it's true that those moments of feeling sad all by yourself when the rest of the monastery is asleep - they're bleak. 

We do get a taste of this before we enter, to see what we are made of maybe, and how determined we are. Yes, there is suffering, but we don't need to fear it. Christ has already suffered everything and won. The hard moments are, I think, what give us the capacity to be like him.

ETA: It's also worth saying that there are many, many more times when I am so happy and absorbed in what I am doing that I am not missing anyone, or wanting to be elsewhere even in thought. I couldn't have said that about much in my life in the world.

"Look at Him and you will see yourselves in your homeland."

[emma8201986]

This is Emma's mother.  Ever since she asked me to post that she had entered, I got a little interested in this forum and have been stopping by occasionally.  This is a subject on which I feel knowledgeable enough to comment.  While every community does it differently, I think most communities want families to feel part of their daughter's vocation - as they kept telling me at Sacred Heart - you're not losing a daughter, you're gaining a whole bunch of them!  The formation parents even have our own facebook page.  It's true that I don't see Emma as much as I would like but I hadn't been anyway.  She had her own apartment and friends.  She was busy teaching and is a marathon runner.  She was also busy in her parish and was in a small group of women also discerning.  I think that's the natural progression of life.  You get older and develop your own interests, friends and career.  While you are still part of your family, you broaden your horizons.  I get to see Emma more than is allowed in some more conservative communities.  I can email her and I don't feel in the least cut-off.  I've actually made a few new friends among the sisters who are my age.  I wouldn't let myself be consumed with fears of homesickness.  You probably WILL be a bit homesick the first few weeks (tho Emma says she is not) but that's natural - don't let it overcome you.  You are involved in an enterprise larger than yourself, just let it happen - you will eventually reach a happy medium with your family.

[katherineH]

First of all, congratulations on making the decision to submit your application.  Prayers for you.

Do your parents support your vocation?  If so, Deo gratias.  That's always wonderful.  If not, prayers of course.

My living circumstances have been rather similar to yours.  If I do submit an application when the time comes, I don't really know how I will feel about it.  I guess I will have to wait and see. It will certainly hit them harder as they (not being Catholic) have opposed even the hypothetical consideration of religious life I have brought up.  I sometimes wonder if the only way that they will be converted is by the offering of my life in prayer and obedience through religious life.  I am sure that your vocation will be a superabundant source of grace for your family and that your sadness can itself be a beautiful way to unite yourself to Jesus.

Are there saints or blesseds that you have a special devotion for?  Talk to them about it.  I have done that in the past and knew without a doubt that I had found a real friend.  It is a comfort.

An idea someone mentioned on another thread.  Write an old monk about it.  See what he says.

 

Honestly I don't know how to empathize since I'm not at that point yet.  Plus I am a robot who doesn't understand human feelings.    But keep us posted.   

Hi Chrysostom, my parents have said that I'm an adult and can do what I want, which isn't exactly unsupportive but I wouldn't qualify it as supportive either.  I would say they are having a hard time with it but still want to be supportive even though they don't know how.  They are Protestant (I'm a convert too!) and so they don't understand why someone would pursue such a radical way of life.  Thanks for your sympathy, I'm sure you are not a robot 

As I was thinking what I could possibly say in reply, I noticed that my language sounded very like what I'd say at a funeral and also at a wedding. But WTH - here goes. 

The funeral part: You may be leaving them (instead of them leaving you), but you'll always have them in your heart and on your mind. And to that extent, they'll still be 'with' you. 

The wedding part: You may be losing a sister (or brother, or however many of whoever you have), but you're gaining a lot of new sisters and mothers. (The old adage is, "You're not losing a daughter; you're gaining a son.") And then there's the Biblical verse about "a man shall leave his mother, and a woman leave her home, and they shall cleave to each other." It seems to me that joining an order/congregation/monastery is similar. 

So taking up religious life is rather like a death (in the sense of the loss) but also rather like a marriage (in the sense of beginning a new lifelong relationship). It's symbolic death and actual new life. It's death and resurrection. Monks & nuns enact that at the time of final vows, don't they? 

Plus, your family gets to come visit you sometimes, and - depending on the order - you may get to make home visits, too.

 

I don't know if these bits will help - it's not practical "how to deal with it" information, but it's all I have.  

 

 

Thanks for your words of encouragement.  A friend told me that there are going to be aspects that will be difficult and I need to stop trying to fix them and just accept them for what they are.  I like the analogy to a wedding, as a bride will have to make similar sacrifices - they just aren't as initially ostentatious as in religious life. 

I think for me the best thing has been accepting that pain and sadness about family will come and go, and sort of... letting it happen, without holding it tight, or trying to pretend it's not there. This can't really be described, but you will know when it happens.

In general I would not swap monastery life for anything, and like you I cut the apron strings pretty early, but I've also cried myself to sleep because out of the blue I just missed my family so much. I'm very lucky in that the abbess is the sort of person I could go and cry to in the middle of the night if I really needed, but it's true that those moments of feeling sad all by yourself when the rest of the monastery is asleep - they're bleak. 

We do get a taste of this before we enter, to see what we are made of maybe, and how determined we are. Yes, there is suffering, but we don't need to fear it. Christ has already suffered everything and won. The hard moments are, I think, what give us the capacity to be like him.

ETA: It's also worth saying that there are many, many more times when I am so happy and absorbed in what I am doing that I am not missing anyone, or wanting to be elsewhere even in thought. I couldn't have said that about much in my life in the world.

"Look at Him and you will see yourselves in your homeland."

Marigold - thanks for sharing your experience.  It is helpful to know that other women have experienced this as well, and that I'm not an outlier for grieving this way

This is Emma's mother.  Ever since she asked me to post that she had entered, I got a little interested in this forum and have been stopping by occasionally.  This is a subject on which I feel knowledgeable enough to comment.  While every community does it differently, I think most communities want families to feel part of their daughter's vocation - as they kept telling me at Sacred Heart - you're not losing a daughter, you're gaining a whole bunch of them!  The formation parents even have our own facebook page.  It's true that I don't see Emma as much as I would like but I hadn't been anyway.  She had her own apartment and friends.  She was busy teaching and is a marathon runner.  She was also busy in her parish and was in a small group of women also discerning.  I think that's the natural progression of life.  You get older and develop your own interests, friends and career.  While you are still part of your family, you broaden your horizons.  I get to see Emma more than is allowed in some more conservative communities.  I can email her and I don't feel in the least cut-off.  I've actually made a few new friends among the sisters who are my age.  I wouldn't let myself be consumed with fears of homesickness.  You probably WILL be a bit homesick the first few weeks (tho Emma says she is not) but that's natural - don't let it overcome you.  You are involved in an enterprise larger than yourself, just let it happen - you will eventually reach a happy medium with your family.

What great words of encouragement! I love hearing from sisters' mothers.  Like you said, every person will hopefully spread their wings one day, whether it is through a severe break in religious life or a gradual separation as a lay person pursuing their family, profession etc. thanks for sharing!!

[clk]

It wouldn't say much about your love for your family if you didn't miss them when you enter the monastery, but no one will understand this more than Jesus.  Meditate on his bleak and sad night in Gethsemane and you will know that he understands and holds you during the time when the separation is hardest.  Surely He knows what it feels like to be alone.  I find this an inexhaustible inspiration, and an invitation to lean on Him during these times of sadness, because He knows and has been there Himself.

 

[MarysLittleFlower]

KatherineH, I'm not entering anywhere right now but I think if I was, it would be very difficult for me too, to leave my family. I think this is normal and I read about Saints who suffered greatly for this reason. We are human after all and love our family I think it's a great idea to consider how Our Lord really knows what this is like.. and He had to leave His Mother to fulfill God's Will, and asked her to say her "yes" to Him as well about this. He also suffered seeing her pain at Calvary. I'm sorry I don't have much more to say but I hope God would give you strength during this time!

I watched a documentary about St Teresa of the Andes and at first, she had so much joy about her vocation, but shortly before entering, - a priest asked her if she is happy, and she said that all she feels is bitterness in her heart. I think this can be a trial or a cross to offer to Jesus right before entrance. Who knows maybe I'll have this too with my vocation whatever it is. Maybe the pain is something to offer to God for your family as well to help them deal with missing you too

[Gabriela]

My advice: Just grieve. You are losing something (though probably not as much as you think, and gaining much more than you think), so just let yourself feel what you feel. It's normal and natural and you need to go through it to be human.