Talk me out of it

[CatherineM]

I think I've lost my mind. We are seriously thinking about taking in our adopted son's 3 nephews. His sister and boyfriend had 5 kids, all born addicted to crack and with fetal alcohol. The youngest died as an infant because of it. The oldest is 11. He's got such a profound speech impediment that he can only grunt. We only have one bedroom open, but it's big enough for three single beds. I don't trust bunks. Also, all my experience is with boys, so I'm more comfortable with taking them. 

They are in four different foster homes right now so even if we can only take 3 of the four, the boys will be together and we can have their sister over to visit on weekends and take them all to church together. Are we being insane?  Austin said he felt the breath of God when we were discussing it. Of course he does have schizophrenia so it might have been that playing a trick on him. 

[NadaTeTurbe]

I have three questions : 

Can you support them financially ? 

Do you have the physical force to take another kids, with disabilities, for maybe a long time ? 

Is your husband schizophrenia dangerous for those around him ? (My best friend have a schizophrenic mother, and she was adopted by her aunt because her mother was sometimes dangerous)

I don't ask you to answer in public (but you can), but I think it's the biggest questions here. If the answers are "yes, yes, no", I think you should do it. 

Prayers for you, Catherine. As well as for your son nephew. I'll pray to Sainte Germaine, Patron Saint of  abused children. 

[CatherineM]

Financially, yes. All the money we make selling books and doing speeches goes to the kids we care for. 

I think I have the energy for it, especially if we wait until I finish my thesis in a couple of months. 

Austin is about as dangerous as my basset hound. Most people with schizophrenia are more likely to be the victim of violence than to commit it. It's just when one does act out, it's usually bizarre front page stuff. 

[Maggyie]

Personally I think most kids with FAS need one on one parenting. Even 1 child with FAS is a full time job and you'll need to drop everything else.  And 3 in 1 bedroom is kind of a lot for kids with special needs.

It's very possible that the foster homes they are in are providing the best care they could get. Change is also a huge challenge for these kids. If they are safe where they are it doesn't make a lot of sense to move them.

[NadaTeTurbe]

Then, I will not talk you out of it. Pray, and think about it,and speak with their caregivers, doctors, etc... but foster care is such an horrible place to live (I'm an ex-foster care kid) 

"Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter-- when you see the naked, to clothe them, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood ? Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the Lord will answer, you will cry for help, and he will say : Here am I." Isaiah 58

 

[Lilllabettt]

I wouldn't do it unless I could take all 4. Whatever your intentions,  it can do a serious number on a child when she is the only one separated from a sibling group. You can still get everyone together on weekends. 

Unless where they are at is unsafe,  I wouldn't. 

[beatitude]

I agree with Lilllabettt. I think that would be a very hard situation for the girl. Even if she doesn't have the cognitive capacity to articulate it to herself, she might end up feeling unwanted, the only one who hasn't been 'chosen'. That pushes a lot of buttons for a kid who has experienced neglect.

Foster care can be horrible, but it isn't always so. One of my friends grew up in the care system; she and her brother had wonderful long-term foster parents whom they are still very close to. Unless you know that the children's current placement is unsafe or seriously not meeting their needs, I'd say no. And even if foster care isn't ideal, there is still a chance that a home with you wouldn't be ideal either.

There was a time when I would have been all enthusiastic and told you to go for it, but subsequently I've learned the hard way that having the desire to help doesn't actually mean you're the best person for it. At her frantic request, I opened my house to a 18-year-old young woman with severe attachment difficulties who was stuck in an abusive home, and I promised to help her find her own flat and some support to live in it. She could live with me for six months while we sorted that out. Although she agreed to this, her behaviour became more and more deceitful and manipulative as the months passed. She abused my trust and hospitality. What I hadn't grasped was that to a person who has a severely disorganized attachment style, me saying that I will host you for six months while helping you to get support and your own place isn't read as kindness - it's read as "I don't want you." And she was too afraid to tell me that, in case I kicked her out, so she began methodically sabotaging everything I tried to arrange to help her (college, supported housing...), and scheming and planning to ensure that she could live with me permanently. When she realised she wasn't going to get what she wanted, she pulled the stunt that resulted in me telling her to leave my house. I had seriously overestimated my ability to help her break these unhelpful thinking patterns. Just because I had worked with teens with complex needs in a professional capacity did not equip me to support this young woman in my personal life.

I know kids with FAS are different, but I think you face a similar risk of taking on too much too lightly, without being aware of what the consequences might be. Good intentions aren't enough, even prior experience isn't enough. In my case, there was also a desire to play the hero, to be the good self-sacrificing person who turns lives around, to have a reputation for unselfishness and kindness. I think you should probe your motivations and see if there is anything like this in your case. If it's there, even slightly, don't do it.

[TotusTuusMaria]

I think it is very noble, and I think if you are able and can - do. At least for now... there is no harm in making the effort. 

Christ has no feet but yours... no hands but yours...  I will be praying for you guys. 

I am sure there are people who have had positive foster-care experiences or at least have survived, but I attended several talks on and worked with Children of the Immaculate Heart and they shared on numerous occasions that 40% of children in foster care end up trafficked and the number is growing exponentially annually as the industry has become the second greatest crime industry in the world. Any child that we can get out of foster-care, I am all for it. 

It is heartbreaking, but only if one child could be taken in... it is better to give one child a Christian home and atmosphere than none. I know it is way easier said than done... there will be difficulties, possible run-aways, times of perhaps questioning, and more, but just take one day at a time... one child at a time. 

Sometimes, because we can't do everything or serve everyone we do nothing or serve no one. As Mother Teresa said, "If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one."

 

It is not going to be easy, but many prayers. Your desire is so noble. 

[Credo in Deum]

The title 'talk me out of it' makes me wonder if you are mentally ready for this task? It won't help these children to put them in a home where you're not able to function.  I have an aunt who is like the 18 yr old woman Beatitude described.  My mother who had the financial means and space to help offered to assist her.  She never stopped to think that while her intentions were noble, her lack of preparedness, mentally, was the weak spot in the foundation, and suffice to say the end result was not pretty.  I told my mom before she brought my aunt in, that it was not a good idea and that while she thought it was the right thing to do, it really wasn't and that she we would be putting her sister and herself in a situation which would not help either of them.  

I think a lot of us get so caught up in 'service service service' that we try to take on a God size pieces of service, thinking "if I don't help, who will? I must save them!" When my moms situation with my aunt ended, my mom was very depressed.  She felt she failed her sister because she was not able to take care of her, save her, even though she had the financial means and space.  She would cry thinking about the idea of her sister being homeless with nowhere to go.  Yet I reminded my mom that her sister is precious to God and that He knows her heart and her love for her sister.  I said God, however, showed her that she was not Him and that when her power cannot change the situation then she must offer it to Him trusting that He will.  So we prayed, and sacrificed, and prayed more for the intention that my aunt get the help she needs, and God heard our prayer and my aunt was able to get the help she needed and is now living on her own.  We continue to pray for my aunt and to heal the break that happened between her and my mother when my aunt had to leave.

The time came again for another one of my moms sisters to need help, and this time I knew it would be ok since I knew my mom could mentally handle this sister.  That situation ended great and now their bond is closer than ever.  

In the end we need to know when we should help and when we should leave the situation in God's capable hands.  The best way to find this knowledge is through a spiritual director who knows your situation and where you are mentally and spiritually. A person who can determine if what you are doing is trying to take on a God size piece of service.  

Edited November 7, 2015 by Credo in Deum

[CatherineM]

Talk me out of it had more to do with trying to eke out objections I might not be thinking about. I had thought about what the sister would think, and we could free up another bedroom. I just have no experience with girls if that makes any sense and was afraid I couldn't meet her needs.

We had actually been talking to their social worker because our son wanted to take in the oldest boy. His mom had custody of the kids until she died 4 years ago. He helped raise them. The worker had been at our speech to the adolescent and child psychiatry grand rounds on dealing with kids with fetal alcohol. She's the one who asked if we'd be willing. 

We have seven total bedrooms and only two guys upstairs right now who are fairly independent. We have four units in our condo all together. The two we combined downstairs are where the kids would live. We've had as many as ten kids all at once, but they were all over 16. No homework or field trips, just work boots and work clothes. The last time I had little kids was in Florida so 15-20 years ago. They have all had fetal alcohol, so I know the territory. 

My husband's biggest concern is having to deal with our son's birth family. The kids are in permanent custody this time but the two youngest still do visitation. The older two have refused to visit their parents. Our son has four brothers and four sisters, none of which can qualify to take custody because of drug use or criminal records. He's the youngest. 

[blazeingstar]

Talk me out of it had more to do with trying to eke out objections I might not be thinking about. I had thought about what the sister would think, and we could free up another bedroom. I just have no experience with girls if that makes any sense and was afraid I couldn't meet her needs.

We had actually been talking to their social worker because our son wanted to take in the oldest boy. His mom had custody of the kids until she died 4 years ago. He helped raise them. The worker had been at our speech to the adolescent and child psychiatry grand rounds on dealing with kids with fetal alcohol. She's the one who asked if we'd be willing. 

We have seven total bedrooms and only two guys upstairs right now who are fairly independent. We have four units in our condo all together. The two we combined downstairs are where the kids would live. We've had as many as ten kids all at once, but they were all over 16. No homework or field trips, just work boots and work clothes. The last time I had little kids was in Florida so 15-20 years ago. They have all had fetal alcohol, so I know the territory. 

My husband's biggest concern is having to deal with our son's birth family. The kids are in permanent custody this time but the two youngest still do visitation. The older two have refused to visit their parents. Our son has four brothers and four sisters, none of which can qualify to take custody because of drug use or criminal records. He's the youngest. 

When it comes to your son's birth family...honestly, holding on to the good people is going to help him in the long run.  These are pseudo-children/younger siblings to him.  I'd be a bit worried about any trauma bond, on the other hand as the youngest he may have found solace in caring for them.  It may also give him a good nose for who in his family he can help, and who he can't.

 

I do agree that unless the sister is in a good home you really should consider them a package deal, even if they are not packaged together.  Girls, at a young age, are not that different than boys.   Or perhaps she can join later?  But you should have a plan for her, it will be really, really difficult on all of them, especially if the baby that died was a girl.

[CatherineM]

I also hadn't thought about their feelings about the one that died. I think it was a girl. Our son would really like this because he has lost his family in a lot of ways. No one seemed to care what happened to him. I took care of two nephews the same way when my parents got custody. They also had fetal alcohol but we didn't know what that was back then. We thought they were just messed up because of their parents divorce. 

[Era Might]

I'm curious (because I'm ignorant)...how is a foster home run? I mean on a day to day basis, what does "life" consist of for the kids?

[Gabriela]

I also have concerns for the girl if she's the only one not taken in. I wouldn't do it unless I could take all four. And I agree with the others that you need to ask if you're the best person for them, if this would really make their lives better.

[beatitude]

I'm curious (because I'm ignorant)...how is a foster home run? I mean on a day to day basis, what does "life" consist of for the kids?

A foster home isn't an institution and it doesn't have staff. It's an ordinary family home. People offer to house kids who don't have any other place to go, they're vetted by social services, they receive some training and usually some financial support, and then a child will be placed with them. If Catherine were to take these four children in she would essentially be fostering them herself. It is often difficult to place siblings together - looking after four kids is obviously a lot more challenging than looking after one or two, and most people wouldn't have the space for a large family. This separation can be very traumatic for the children.

I'm mainly familiar with the UK system, where there are three main types of foster placement - long term, where a child might live on a permanent basis; short term (say if it's a crisis situation and kids need to be brought into care in a hurry), or respite (kids live with their birth family but occasionally stay with a foster family for a weekend - this usually happens when the child is severely disabled and the parents have no opportunity to take a rest). Foster care gets risky when the child is shuffled from placement to placement, and unfortunately this isn't uncommon. This is why I think it's important not to take in a child (especially one with complex needs) unless you're very sure you can give them a long-term loving home, or else you might end up doing more harm than good.