Failing at religious life

[MarysLittleFlower]

I have been guilty of the signs incident in my past discernment.  I actually read some of my former threads and I wanted to plant my head on my palm because I was horrified by the amount of immaturity in my posts.  I was so gaga over the Carmelites and kept looking for signs everywhere.  I remember praying SO hard for St. Therese to give me a sign in the form of a rose if the convent I visited was the one I was supposed to enter.  In the hallway by the room I was staying in, there was a statue of St. Therese and a little bouquet of plastic roses.  I thought, "This is it!  This is where I'm supposed to be!"  I roll my eyes now at what I thought back then.  That particular community caused me a lot of heartache in the end - heartache that could have been avoided if I had discerned in a more level-headed manner.  It was 6 years ago, though, and I have changed so much since then.  I think people really need to take time to build up a relationship with a community before making any serious decisions.  I decided to apply after my first visit - only because the Novice Mistress offered me the application.  It was not where I was meant to be and I'm so glad I didn't end up there.

I know what you mean! Sometimes I really want a sign too. I believe that St Therese did send me roses to help in my conversion but I needed encouragement. Vocational discernment can indeed be complicated and though sometimes signs might happen, they are not the ordinary way. But I would probably have the same reaction as you with the convent lol.  

Dear Ones,

As a Religious, I have been touched by the gentleness & honesty expressed in this thread.  My heart aches for the pain that so many of you have experienced.  By wandering into this thread, I feel as though I'm walking on sacred ground & I honestly don't know what to say.

The original poster asked for thoughts/comments by Religious.  Due to the major reforms that my congregation underwent following Vatican II regarding the application, formation, and departure processes, I don't know how valid my comments would be in this situation.  Nonetheless, I'll try...

My congregation has an extremely demanding pre-application process.  Prior to receiving the application, I had to move half-way across the country so as to be able to have one full year of monthly in-person meetings with the Vocation Director.  There was also the expectation that I would be participating in various congregational activities (i.e. celebrations, fundraisers, etc.) and getting to know the Sisters on a more social/informal level during this time.  At the end of that year, when I finally received and completed the application, my congregation and I were both nearly certain of my vocation.

That being said, despite this rather rigorous pre-application process, over the last 20 years or so, we've still had about half of our members in initial formation leave (which is really hard for those of us "left behind"). To my knowledge, all of them left on their own accord (nobody was asked or told to leave).  Some were given a small bit of economic support upon leaving and all maintained relationships within the congregation for quite some time after their departure.

It deeply concerns me that so many congregations/Sisters don't seem to recognize the enormous amount of loss that a woman experiences when she leaves her congregation--even if she has only been there a short while.  As some of you have pointed out in this and other threads, when a woman leaves her congregation, she loses her economic support (and often has to immediately plunge into a completely unfamiliar job market); she loses her social and sometimes family support (and has to awkwardly try to jump-start relationships that she'd been prohibited from maintaining while in the convent); often, she loses her very identity (as she reverts to her baptismal name and gets re-accustomed to life without a habit); and especially for those who did not freely choose to leave, she also has to let go of her hopes and dreams for the future.  It's not surprising that this long list of losses/traumas could negatively affect one's relationship with God.

I'd like to re-iterate some of what LoveLetsLive said in her post.  First, you are not alone.  Second, you don't have to do this on your own.  Be gentle with yourself.  Give yourself the time and space to grieve.  Counseling is almost always helpful for anyone who is going through a major life change--please don't be afraid to seek it out.

Sometimes, when experiencing loss or going through other difficulties, I pray with Isaiah 45:3 "I will give you the treasures of darkness and riches hidden in secret places, so that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, who call you by your name."

With that, I think I'll close.  I hope that these words of mine have been helpful.  Please know that I hold each of you in my prayers.

Beautiful post! though I have not tried religious life I hope it would be a blessing to those who have