Failing at religious life

[SNJM]

You are definitely in our prayers and hearts! Though we really haven't had any active (as in current) Religious answer, I think a good many of the answers which come from women who have left Religious Life have hopefully been a source of help for you. I have looked at the LL website & I think you will find some excellent resources there. My prayer for you, like so many others, is that you will seek support & find your way back to peace, recognizing in time that you are, in truth, right where God wants you to be! Blessings and graces to you! Thank you for letting us know you are there and integrating the various posts into your mind and heart!!!

[loveletslive]

freedomreigns - i just want to affirm everything you are feeling right now in regards to leaving religious life. i'm also struggling through that feeling of rejection right now and wondering how to handle when i read things or encounter things that prior to entrance convicted me of my vocation and desire to enter religious life. i'm glad the year for consecrated life is ending soon & that the heightened focus on religious life will taper off. 

and i'd just like to put in a plug for therapy/counseling for anyone reading this who has left religious life and is struggling with the myriad feelings/confusions/fears/anxieties/etc mentioned throughout this thread. i didn't know therapy was an option or something i should consider until i had been home for two months and some of my other friends who left mentioned it. meeting with a therapist has been immensely helpful and necessary in my overall healing process, in managing my anxiety when i encountered people who didn't know i had left, in processing leaving the convent and transitioning back into the lay state. whether your leaving was by your choice or out of obedience or some mixture of the two...consider this as an option. You don't have to do this on your own.

you can speak with a counselor for free for a few sessions with a licensed counselor who works with Leonie's Longing (http://www.leonieslonging.org/resources/) or find a catholic counselor/therapist through https://www.catholictherapists.com/

[HisChild]

Good evening.  I am not a religious. So sorry that I’m responding, but I felt called to do so. Because I was in religious life for a time. And I have felt called, since I was in my 20s, to be set aside for God. Further, there is no way I can share with you everything that has happened to me in a decade but perhaps just list a few highlights.

I was in a religious community (Gosh I can’t believe I entered 9 years ago!). I was only in there a short period of time. Prior to entrance, I had my own home, my own career, my own “things”.  When I started to discern, I prayed to our Lord that should He really want me to be His nun, He would show me His will…can you believe that shortly thereafter, my house sold in one day, all my debt was miraculously paid off and I was able to enter the monastery?

One month later I was back out in the world. And not a better person for it. I won’t say where I was, but those who may remember me, may recall. Just prior to, and just after I left, the mother superior was not kind to me. And when I attempted to contact her about a year later…if possible she was even less kind. She was not another Christ.

I have to admit, I felt very much rejected by God. How could He allow the road to be so clear for me to enter religious life, and then such horrific response by His bride? My pastor was also not kind. In essence he told me to sit down in the pew, and be a good Catholic girl.  I had no spiritual direction.  I looked for assistance. I prayed for direction. Fast forward two years, I moved to a different parish when I left the city I was in, for a career move. The new pastor was no different. As an aside, I entered their (the closest parish near me) Perpetual Adoration group.

One night, when life was particularly challenging for me, I knelt before the Monstrance of Our Lord. I asked Him to share with me His next road for me. And He answered. That was in 2008. He showed me, as I knelt in prayer, the iconostasis of a Church I had visited a year prior. (Yes, I do mean of an Orthodox parish.) I visited the parish near my home…and never left. I haven’t been on Phatmass all that much because I was, quite frankly, scared of your response.  Some of the more fervent Catholics on here have been less than charitable to those Orthodox and have told some Orthodox converts they were going to hell. So I kept it to myself.

However, I received an email today from dUSt stating that it would be appropriate for me to make a “Goodbye PM” post. And as I return to the Phorum, here I am. 

I am now no longer Catholic. I am Eastern Orthodox. I don’t know about any of you, where you are, but where I am, the Catholics…okay, how can I say this? While I believe in most of what the Catechism teaches, it is not lived out in the parishes near my home (and by parishes, I searched 3 near me). No discussion of Jesus in the homilies, with a freaky alteration of the Mass. At any rate...Even today, when I present, as an Orthodox, the priests in the Catholic church do not wish to speak with me. There are no “Catholics Return Home” discussions they wish to begin. Nothing. I do believe our Lord is telling me to stay put where I am.  Be Orthodox. And so I am.

You mention that some have lost their faith. I don’t think I have. I feel my faith has increased. My reliance on Our Lord has increased.  And my spiritual father believes I am meant to be set aside for Him alone. That has not changed.  However, if I am to summarize, I would say this:  I entered religious life, I was sent back out into the world, I sought spiritual direction in multiple parishes, I found fullness in Orthodoxy, which has not changed in 5 years.  While some Catholics may think to lament, I truly feel our Lord has blessed me. Thanks be to God.  I am not on this phorum to debate and refuse to do so. I am here only at dUSt’s invitation to say goodbye. I pray not for your conversion, only that you place God above all…may He truly bless you and keep you. He does have a path set for you.

Yours in Christ,

HC

[veritasluxmea]

[edited for space]

I'm new around here so you don't know me, but I just want to thank you for sharing your story and agreeing to come back for a goodbye post. Even if we disagree on things I think it's a beautiful journey anyways and I loved reading it. It made me consider myself and my own behavior as a Catholic towards people I know, whether we agree on everything or not. So thank you. Made God continue to bless and keep you. 

Edited September 15, 2015 by veritasluxmea

[HisChild]

Thank you, veritasluxmea.  May God grant you abundant blessings.

[puellapaschalis]

I remember you, @HisChild

[be_thou_my_vision]

I remember you, His Child! Thank you for sharing your story, and may God Bless you so very much!

[HisChild]

Thank you, @be_thou_my_vision. You're very kind!

[OnlySunshine]

I remember you, too, from a few years ago when I was discerning with the Carmelites. 

[beatitude]

I would never view someone as a 'failure' for trying to do what felt right and faithful and good. Even the word failure makes religious life sound like some kind of prestigious but extremely difficult exam. It is not, but the way we idealise religious life (and by extension the people in it) can make it seem like this. One sister defined vocation and Christian living for me in a very simple way: it's about making the most loving choice in each and every situation. Not about being in this convent or that monastery, being married or a priest. Sometimes it means choosing to try your vocation bravely in the monastery - and then to leave because you have understood that you will fulfill that mission in another place and in another way. There are no passes and failures, only people trying in whatever way they can to love God and love one another. To be his saints.

But our behaviour doesn't always show that, and I think we need to be mindful of this and realise that we don't have to be acting disappointed or saying nasty things to make life harder for people who have left religious life. In VS, entrance and profession threads easily get the most attention, and there is a bit of an obsession over pictures of pretty habits, although less so than there used to be. This does romanticise religious life, and that can make it harder for people coming out.

Another issue is the emphasis that we might place on receiving a sign - this idea that there is a neatly labelled box with your name on it somewhere, and that St Therese is going to show you precisely which box it is by sticking a rose of a specific colour and with a precise number of petals on it. "Your knowledge is too high for me; I cannot attain it," the psalmist wrote. "The Jews ask for signs and the Greeks look for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified," from St Paul. We can't know for sure that we have a religious vocation; all we can do is try and see where we end up. Sometimes I see people writing discernment stories that hinge on signs - "I was praying and then I saw a nun walk in, so I just knew that God is asking me to be a bride of Christ!" - and I get the uncomfortable feeling that they are unconsciously trying to make their story fit a genre that they have come to see as familiar, even required. HisChild spoke about the grief she felt when she had left the monastery after receiving what she felt  were signs she was called to enter, and the culture around discernment does foster that kind of thinking. I think it would be easier on us all if we looked at religious life more pragmatically, and thought, "I feel like this might be for me, so I'm going to give it a shot," rather than, "I have received a special sign that I should do this!" God is big and the only way for sure I can know what he and I are up to is to make a concerted effort to live in a loving Christ-centred way. Then I will find out what was going on at the end. As Bl. John Henry Newman wrote, "I may never know my mission in this life, but I will be told it in the next." Little Sister Magdeleine, the founder of the Little Sisters of Jesus, said something similar - "He took me by the hand and blindly I followed." If you leave the monastery, you may feel as though you have been blinded, you no longer see anything that looked so clear before. But he still has you by the hand. If we were all to place less emphasis on signs, I think this knowledge would be more apparent to us all and a greater comfort to those who need it.

[MarysLittleFlower]

Great points Beatitude! Sometimes I do believe clear signs happen and indicate a vocation, but even then its best to just discern and not rely on the sign alone. God primarily speaks to the heart .. And if someone tried religious life - they did something generous for God even if their vocation is elsewhere, I do not believe that choice is wasted. A discernment book I looked at once said often people over complicate discernment. The traditional approach is just - if you are well disposed to the life, try it out and discern there if its God's Will. Often we want to know for sure before, but simply being there is the surest discernment. 

[Mags]

I would never view someone as a 'failure' for trying to do what felt right and faithful and good. Even the word failure makes religious life sound like some kind of prestigious but extremely difficult exam. It is not, but the way we idealise religious life (and by extension the people in it) can make it seem like this. One sister defined vocation and Christian living for me in a very simple way: it's about making the most loving choice in each and every situation. Not about being in this convent or that monastery, being married or a priest. Sometimes it means choosing to try your vocation bravely in the monastery - and then to leave because you have understood that you will fulfill that mission in another place and in another way. There are no passes and failures, only people trying in whatever way they can to love God and love one another. To be his saints.

But our behaviour doesn't always show that, and I think we need to be mindful of this and realise that we don't have to be acting disappointed or saying nasty things to make life harder for people who have left religious life. In VS, entrance and profession threads easily get the most attention, and there is a bit of an obsession over pictures of pretty habits, although less so than there used to be. This does romanticise religious life, and that can make it harder for people coming out.

Another issue is the emphasis that we might place on receiving a sign - this idea that there is a neatly labelled box with your name on it somewhere, and that St Therese is going to show you precisely which box it is by sticking a rose of a specific colour and with a precise number of petals on it. "Your knowledge is too high for me; I cannot attain it," the psalmist wrote. "The Jews ask for signs and the Greeks look for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified," from St Paul. We can't know for sure that we have a religious vocation; all we can do is try and see where we end up. Sometimes I see people writing discernment stories that hinge on signs - "I was praying and then I saw a nun walk in, so I just knew that God is asking me to be a bride of Christ!" - and I get the uncomfortable feeling that they are unconsciously trying to make their story fit a genre that they have come to see as familiar, even required. HisChild spoke about the grief she felt when she had left the monastery after receiving what she felt  were signs she was called to enter, and the culture around discernment does foster that kind of thinking. I think it would be easier on us all if we looked at religious life more pragmatically, and thought, "I feel like this might be for me, so I'm going to give it a shot," rather than, "I have received a special sign that I should do this!" God is big and the only way for sure I can know what he and I are up to is to make a concerted effort to live in a loving Christ-centred way. Then I will find out what was going on at the end. As Bl. John Henry Newman wrote, "I may never know my mission in this life, but I will be told it in the next." Little Sister Magdeleine, the founder of the Little Sisters of Jesus, said something similar - "He took me by the hand and blindly I followed." If you leave the monastery, you may feel as though you have been blinded, you no longer see anything that looked so clear before. But he still has you by the hand. If we were all to place less emphasis on signs, I think this knowledge would be more apparent to us all and a greater comfort to those who need it.

I can't "prop" this comment enough. Such wise words. It is all to easy to feel like a "failure", entering a community has such a big build up and much is being given up. However, as a school chaplain once said to us schoolchildren "God doesn't make rubbish ". He has a plan for us which is not always immediately clear. I have experienced this myself but, after some time, I was able to see that I learned a lot about myself and others during my time in community. 

[vee]

I recently heard something about vocations that resonated with me and that is the following.  Our first and foremost vocation in life, this goes for anyone anywhere, is to be holy.  That is first and the second is which path will lead us to the degree of holiness we are to attain. 

[OnlySunshine]

I would never view someone as a 'failure' for trying to do what felt right and faithful and good. Even the word failure makes religious life sound like some kind of prestigious but extremely difficult exam. It is not, but the way we idealise religious life (and by extension the people in it) can make it seem like this. One sister defined vocation and Christian living for me in a very simple way: it's about making the most loving choice in each and every situation. Not about being in this convent or that monastery, being married or a priest. Sometimes it means choosing to try your vocation bravely in the monastery - and then to leave because you have understood that you will fulfill that mission in another place and in another way. There are no passes and failures, only people trying in whatever way they can to love God and love one another. To be his saints.

But our behaviour doesn't always show that, and I think we need to be mindful of this and realise that we don't have to be acting disappointed or saying nasty things to make life harder for people who have left religious life. In VS, entrance and profession threads easily get the most attention, and there is a bit of an obsession over pictures of pretty habits, although less so than there used to be. This does romanticise religious life, and that can make it harder for people coming out.

Another issue is the emphasis that we might place on receiving a sign - this idea that there is a neatly labelled box with your name on it somewhere, and that St Therese is going to show you precisely which box it is by sticking a rose of a specific colour and with a precise number of petals on it. "Your knowledge is too high for me; I cannot attain it," the psalmist wrote. "The Jews ask for signs and the Greeks look for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified," from St Paul. We can't know for sure that we have a religious vocation; all we can do is try and see where we end up. Sometimes I see people writing discernment stories that hinge on signs - "I was praying and then I saw a nun walk in, so I just knew that God is asking me to be a bride of Christ!" - and I get the uncomfortable feeling that they are unconsciously trying to make their story fit a genre that they have come to see as familiar, even required. HisChild spoke about the grief she felt when she had left the monastery after receiving what she felt  were signs she was called to enter, and the culture around discernment does foster that kind of thinking. I think it would be easier on us all if we looked at religious life more pragmatically, and thought, "I feel like this might be for me, so I'm going to give it a shot," rather than, "I have received a special sign that I should do this!" God is big and the only way for sure I can know what he and I are up to is to make a concerted effort to live in a loving Christ-centred way. Then I will find out what was going on at the end. As Bl. John Henry Newman wrote, "I may never know my mission in this life, but I will be told it in the next." Little Sister Magdeleine, the founder of the Little Sisters of Jesus, said something similar - "He took me by the hand and blindly I followed." If you leave the monastery, you may feel as though you have been blinded, you no longer see anything that looked so clear before. But he still has you by the hand. If we were all to place less emphasis on signs, I think this knowledge would be more apparent to us all and a greater comfort to those who need it.

I have been guilty of the signs incident in my past discernment.  I actually read some of my former threads and I wanted to plant my head on my palm because I was horrified by the amount of immaturity in my posts.  I was so gaga over the Carmelites and kept looking for signs everywhere.  I remember praying SO hard for St. Therese to give me a sign in the form of a rose if the convent I visited was the one I was supposed to enter.  In the hallway by the room I was staying in, there was a statue of St. Therese and a little bouquet of plastic roses.  I thought, "This is it!  This is where I'm supposed to be!"  I roll my eyes now at what I thought back then.  That particular community caused me a lot of heartache in the end - heartache that could have been avoided if I had discerned in a more level-headed manner.  It was 6 years ago, though, and I have changed so much since then.  I think people really need to take time to build up a relationship with a community before making any serious decisions.  I decided to apply after my first visit - only because the Novice Mistress offered me the application.  It was not where I was meant to be and I'm so glad I didn't end up there.

[Hna.Caridad]

Dear Ones,

As a Religious, I have been touched by the gentleness & honesty expressed in this thread.  My heart aches for the pain that so many of you have experienced.  By wandering into this thread, I feel as though I'm walking on sacred ground & I honestly don't know what to say.

The original poster asked for thoughts/comments by Religious.  Due to the major reforms that my congregation underwent following Vatican II regarding the application, formation, and departure processes, I don't know how valid my comments would be in this situation.  Nonetheless, I'll try...

My congregation has an extremely demanding pre-application process.  Prior to receiving the application, I had to move half-way across the country so as to be able to have one full year of monthly in-person meetings with the Vocation Director.  There was also the expectation that I would be participating in various congregational activities (i.e. celebrations, fundraisers, etc.) and getting to know the Sisters on a more social/informal level during this time.  At the end of that year, when I finally received and completed the application, my congregation and I were both nearly certain of my vocation.

That being said, despite this rather rigorous pre-application process, over the last 20 years or so, we've still had about half of our members in initial formation leave (which is really hard for those of us "left behind"). To my knowledge, all of them left on their own accord (nobody was asked or told to leave).  Some were given a small bit of economic support upon leaving and all maintained relationships within the congregation for quite some time after their departure.

It deeply concerns me that so many congregations/Sisters don't seem to recognize the enormous amount of loss that a woman experiences when she leaves her congregation--even if she has only been there a short while.  As some of you have pointed out in this and other threads, when a woman leaves her congregation, she loses her economic support (and often has to immediately plunge into a completely unfamiliar job market); she loses her social and sometimes family support (and has to awkwardly try to jump-start relationships that she'd been prohibited from maintaining while in the convent); often, she loses her very identity (as she reverts to her baptismal name and gets re-accustomed to life without a habit); and especially for those who did not freely choose to leave, she also has to let go of her hopes and dreams for the future.  It's not surprising that this long list of losses/traumas could negatively affect one's relationship with God.

I'd like to re-iterate some of what LoveLetsLive said in her post.  First, you are not alone.  Second, you don't have to do this on your own.  Be gentle with yourself.  Give yourself the time and space to grieve.  Counseling is almost always helpful for anyone who is going through a major life change--please don't be afraid to seek it out.

Sometimes, when experiencing loss or going through other difficulties, I pray with Isaiah 45:3 "I will give you the treasures of darkness and riches hidden in secret places, so that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, who call you by your name."

With that, I think I'll close.  I hope that these words of mine have been helpful.  Please know that I hold each of you in my prayers.