Failing at religious life

[He is Risen!]

Nunsense, that kind of rejection is what I felt, too.  Entering for me was an act of love and trust, a complete gift of myself.  It took some huge sacrifices to enter and after about 2 years when our Novice Mistress told me she didn't think I had a calling to religious life, it didn't even seem real at first, like it was a test of some kind.  I moved back to my hometown and moved in with some roommates and kept praying the LOTH and would cry every time I got to the canticle of Mary.  I've been away from the sisters for almost 3 years now and I still often cry when I get to that part of evening prayer and this is EVERY day!  When I first moved back, I was so depressed, I just drank myself stupid almost every night for the better part of a year.  I quit going to mass, lost tons of weight, and used to sit in the stock room at the store where I worked and just randomly cry.  I had serious thoughts about doing something very horrible (don't really want to get into that here) it was BAD.  My family on the other hand was thrilled to have me back, this kind of made it worse.  Mom said that when I called her to say I was moving home that it was the best day of her life. 

Eventually time helped me heal.  I kept praying the rosary even when I wasn't going to church (I know, right?) and at least evening prayer throughout the week. I felt so rejected by Jesus but Mary just felt like my loving mother or a best friend who really loved me.  Through this I had the grace to get back to church.  Even though it still hurts like crazy, I'm at least at the point now where I know that God loves me and I'm ready to move on, find his will, and do it.  This whole thing makes me think of what I heard someone say about grieving: You can't get over it, but you can get through it.

[Gabriela]

Nunsense, that kind of rejection is what I felt, too.  Entering for me was an act of love and trust, a complete gift of myself.  It took some huge sacrifices to enter and after about 2 years when our Novice Mistress told me she didn't think I had a calling to religious life, it didn't even seem real at first, like it was a test of some kind.  I moved back to my hometown and moved in with some roommates and kept praying the LOTH and would cry every time I got to the canticle of Mary.  I've been away from the sisters for almost 3 years now and I still often cry when I get to that part of evening prayer and this is EVERY day!  When I first moved back, I was so depressed, I just drank myself stupid almost every night for the better part of a year.  I quit going to mass, lost tons of weight, and used to sit in the stock room at the store where I worked and just randomly cry.  I had serious thoughts about doing something very horrible (don't really want to get into that here) it was BAD.  My family on the other hand was thrilled to have me back, this kind of made it worse.  Mom said that when I called her to say I was moving home that it was the best day of her life. 

Eventually time helped me heal.  I kept praying the rosary even when I wasn't going to church (I know, right?) and at least evening prayer throughout the week. I felt so rejected by Jesus but Mary just felt like my loving mother or a best friend who really loved me.  Through this I had the grace to get back to church.  Even though it still hurts like crazy, I'm at least at the point now where I know that God loves me and I'm ready to move on, find his will, and do it.  This whole thing makes me think of what I heard someone say about grieving: You can't get over it, but you can get through it.

First: 

Second: 

I felt so rejected by Jesus but Mary just felt like my loving mother or a best friend who really loved me.

I so know what this is like. I think it's easy to slip into thinking of God as that judgey, rejecty, meany in the sky. But Mary... Mary is always loving.

When I was reading for my Master's thesis, I ran across someone who said that we tend to relate to God as we do to our earthly father. I don't know how much support there is for this, but it fits my experience. If one's dad was always the disciplinarian, and one's mom was always the one who said "yes" and gave hugs, I can see how this configuration with Jesus and Mary would be likely. I'm not saying that's your story, but it's close to mine. (Plus Judaism totally innoculates you against Jesus—and leaves a big gaping hole where Mary is concerned. She didn't even have to sneak in!  )

[MarysLittleFlower]

Nunsense, that kind of rejection is what I felt, too.  Entering for me was an act of love and trust, a complete gift of myself.  It took some huge sacrifices to enter and after about 2 years when our Novice Mistress told me she didn't think I had a calling to religious life, it didn't even seem real at first, like it was a test of some kind.  I moved back to my hometown and moved in with some roommates and kept praying the LOTH and would cry every time I got to the canticle of Mary.  I've been away from the sisters for almost 3 years now and I still often cry when I get to that part of evening prayer and this is EVERY day!  When I first moved back, I was so depressed, I just drank myself stupid almost every night for the better part of a year.  I quit going to mass, lost tons of weight, and used to sit in the stock room at the store where I worked and just randomly cry.  I had serious thoughts about doing something very horrible (don't really want to get into that here) it was BAD.  My family on the other hand was thrilled to have me back, this kind of made it worse.  Mom said that when I called her to say I was moving home that it was the best day of her life. 

Eventually time helped me heal.  I kept praying the rosary even when I wasn't going to church (I know, right?) and at least evening prayer throughout the week. I felt so rejected by Jesus but Mary just felt like my loving mother or a best friend who really loved me.  Through this I had the grace to get back to church.  Even though it still hurts like crazy, I'm at least at the point now where I know that God loves me and I'm ready to move on, find his will, and do it.  This whole thing makes me think of what I heard someone say about grieving: You can't get over it, but you can get through it.

wish i could give you a hug! what a thing to go through! 

[MarysLittleFlower]

Nunsense, that kind of rejection is what I felt, too.  Entering for me was an act of love and trust, a complete gift of myself.  It took some huge sacrifices to enter and after about 2 years when our Novice Mistress told me she didn't think I had a calling to religious life, it didn't even seem real at first, like it was a test of some kind.  I moved back to my hometown and moved in with some roommates and kept praying the LOTH and would cry every time I got to the canticle of Mary.  I've been away from the sisters for almost 3 years now and I still often cry when I get to that part of evening prayer and this is EVERY day!  When I first moved back, I was so depressed, I just drank myself stupid almost every night for the better part of a year.  I quit going to mass, lost tons of weight, and used to sit in the stock room at the store where I worked and just randomly cry.  I had serious thoughts about doing something very horrible (don't really want to get into that here) it was BAD.  My family on the other hand was thrilled to have me back, this kind of made it worse.  Mom said that when I called her to say I was moving home that it was the best day of her life. 

Eventually time helped me heal.  I kept praying the rosary even when I wasn't going to church (I know, right?) and at least evening prayer throughout the week. I felt so rejected by Jesus but Mary just felt like my loving mother or a best friend who really loved me.  Through this I had the grace to get back to church.  Even though it still hurts like crazy, I'm at least at the point now where I know that God loves me and I'm ready to move on, find his will, and do it.  This whole thing makes me think of what I heard someone say about grieving: You can't get over it, but you can get through it.

wish i could give you a hug! what a thing to go through! 

[AccountDeleted]

Nunsense, that kind of rejection is what I felt, too.  Entering for me was an act of love and trust, a complete gift of myself.  It took some huge sacrifices to enter and after about 2 years when our Novice Mistress told me she didn't think I had a calling to religious life, it didn't even seem real at first, like it was a test of some kind.  I moved back to my hometown and moved in with some roommates and kept praying the LOTH and would cry every time I got to the canticle of Mary.  I've been away from the sisters for almost 3 years now and I still often cry when I get to that part of evening prayer and this is EVERY day!  When I first moved back, I was so depressed, I just drank myself stupid almost every night for the better part of a year.  I quit going to mass, lost tons of weight, and used to sit in the stock room at the store where I worked and just randomly cry.  I had serious thoughts about doing something very horrible (don't really want to get into that here) it was BAD.  My family on the other hand was thrilled to have me back, this kind of made it worse.  Mom said that when I called her to say I was moving home that it was the best day of her life. 

Eventually time helped me heal.  I kept praying the rosary even when I wasn't going to church (I know, right?) and at least evening prayer throughout the week. I felt so rejected by Jesus but Mary just felt like my loving mother or a best friend who really loved me.  Through this I had the grace to get back to church.  Even though it still hurts like crazy, I'm at least at the point now where I know that God loves me and I'm ready to move on, find his will, and do it.  This whole thing makes me think of what I heard someone say about grieving: You can't get over it, but you can get through it.

You have been through tremendous pain and you are a survivor. Congratulations on still being here. Like you, I cried every time I tried to pray the Divine Office, and also every time I walked into a Church. For me, the pain has never gone away completely, but as you said, you get through it, and you learn coping mechanisms. I equated my reactions as being similar to PTSD. There is almost a dissociation of self and it takes quite awhile to get over the state of shock. As you said, it doesn't seem real at first. When you think everything is going so well (despite difficulties and hardships) and then you are told to leave, it's makes me think of what it might be like for a woman who thinks she is happily married (with all the normal marriage problems) only to find out that her husband has cheated on her. The shock is just too much. All trust is destroyed and then the self-loathing hits. If only I had been more [insert almost anything here], then this wouldn't have happened. We desperately look for someone or something to blame. Ourselves? God? The community? The Church? 

You cope by leaning on Mary. I have done that in the past but there reached a point for me when even she didn't offer me the comfort that I needed because I wanted so much to understand 'why' God would call me so intensely and then almost destroy with such cruel rejection. I always look for reasons, perhaps because I then think that I can 'fix' things if I know why they are broken. But there are things that we may never know or understand in this life. And over time, I have come to accept that. In fact, my relationship with God has become much more personal and deep. I feel a great sense of peace about my life, even though I don't have any real understanding about it. It's as if I am walking beside my Lord, holding hands and simply trusting that all is well, and all shall be well (always loved Julian of Norwich).

The wound may never heal completely or stop aching, but it might just transform into something deeply beautiful between you and God - a bond that unites you as nothing else could. And I doubt that anyone who has not actually been through it can comprehend the depth of pain and sorrow it creates in a soul. Discerning, checking out communities, going through the application process, waiting impatiently to hear, finally being told you are accepted, being admitted, learning the ways of the community and recitation of the Office, being clothed, living the life and assuming you will live it forever, and then suddenly being told to leave - the total shock, then fear of leaving and wondering what to do next,the humiliation and feeling rejected by the community, the Church and God. The anger, the disappointment, the confusion, the loss, and the feelings of being lost after returning to the world and not fitting in anywhere or with anyone else. It is intense, isn't it? It's no wonder that the reactions are so strong. It's like a death, while still being alive.

But one does go on, and there are good thing and bad things that happen as life goes on. I know I have been changed in so many ways from my experiences, especially one of them that was cruel beyond imagining. Some of the changes might make me seem harder to others, but I don't care. I don't live for the approval of others anymore. Now, God and I walk hand in hand, and I try to please Him only, knowing that I am an imperfect human being who falls and then gets up again, time after time. 

Hang in there Risen. It sounds as if the worst is past and the healing is happening. Just be kind to yourself as you proceed. You are loved. It's just that love, well, it's like this...

"The Rose"

Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
An endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
And you its only seed.

It's the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
Who cannot seem to give,
And the soul afraid of dyin'
That never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long,
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong,
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed that with the sun's love
In the spring becomes the rose.

 

[be_thou_my_vision]

I was in temporary vows when I left my community because of health and emotional reasons. I couldn't cope with convent life anymore for some reason. It was so weird... I had been fine for a few years, then everything started to go downhill. I don't know how to explain it. It was a good experience, meaning the community was very supportive every step of the way, but it was heart-wrenching and so very heartbreaking. 

Basically what it came down to, was that I offered myself to God, and He accepted it in a way that I had not planned. It was an exercise in humility to receive from Him what He wanted to give me, not for Him to receive how I wanted to give my life. It has been a journey with a loving God who has accepted all my hurts and love along the way. In turn, I've learned to accept His love and His hurts, too. We are very close now because of this experience. I really like what lilllabett said earlier in this thread... Its worth going back and reading it, I think.

I am very sorry that you are hurting. Feel free to PM if you want to chat more.

[MarysLittleFlower]

I think that's a beautiful point that a relationship with God can be eventually transformed through something like this. Its true there may not be an explanation till Heaven but the very unknowing can give the soul beauty and virtue of abandonment. The offering one makes in trying this life is not an offering that is wasted, I believe. The intent is what brings Jesus joy and if its not His Will for you to continue there, He still took the heart you offered Him.

Its one of the heaviest trials I can think of... I noticed after some times of more intense spiritual suffering, my relationship with Jesus does obtain something new. Its like we went through it together. I can tell Him - "I loved You in the joyful time and consolation, but now I know what its like to be with You in darkness. Now I know how You felt".

You are in darkness and you don't see Him but He is holding you very close. Currently I have a lot of uncertainty if I could ever be a nun and often a strong pain about it. I find it painful to even look at nuns. But at the same time, I feel Jesus is more to me than before.

Now we are sharing suffering, and that is not something He shares lightly - it is vulnerability for Him too. Its a sharing in the most misunderstood unknown part of His life. It may be I wouldn't be able to be a nun. It may be that I'd enter and then have to leave. But I can't think of a greater chance to grow in absolute abandonment than darkness, contradiction, when nothing makes sense, and when the heart doesn't feel loved but still loves. I believe if God would allow this for me, then that is because that would sanctify me in the end. It doesn't take away the pain but the pain can become love too.  

[MarysLittleFlower]

I think that's a beautiful point that a relationship with God can be eventually transformed through something like this. Its true there may not be an explanation till Heaven but the very unknowing can give the soul beauty and virtue of abandonment. The offering one makes in trying this life is not an offering that is wasted, I believe. The intent is what brings Jesus joy and if its not His Will for you to continue there, He still took the heart you offered Him.

Its one of the heaviest trials I can think of... I noticed after some times of more intense spiritual suffering, my relationship with Jesus does obtain something new. Its like we went through it together. I can tell Him - "I loved You in the joyful time and consolation, but now I know what its like to be with You in darkness. Now I know how You felt".

You are in darkness and you don't see Him but He is holding you very close. Currently I have a lot of uncertainty if I could ever be a nun and often a strong pain about it. I find it painful to even look at nuns. But at the same time, I feel Jesus is more to me than before.

Now we are sharing suffering, and that is not something He shares lightly - it is vulnerability for Him too. Its a sharing in the most misunderstood unknown part of His life. It may be I wouldn't be able to be a nun. It may be that I'd enter and then have to leave. But I can't think of a greater chance to grow in absolute abandonment than darkness, contradiction, when nothing makes sense, and when the heart doesn't feel loved but still loves. I believe if God would allow this for me, then that is because that would sanctify me in the end. It doesn't take away the pain but the pain can become love too.  

[BarbTherese]

I was in temporary vows when I left my community because of health and emotional reasons. I couldn't cope with convent life anymore for some reason. It was so weird... I had been fine for a few years, then everything started to go downhill. I don't know how to explain it. It was a good experience, meaning the community was very supportive every step of the way, but it was heart-wrenching and so very heartbreaking. 

Basically what it came down to, was that I offered myself to God, and He accepted it in a way that I had not planned. It was an exercise in humility to receive from Him what He wanted to give me, not for Him to receive how I wanted to give my life. It has been a journey with a loving God who has accepted all my hurts and love along the way. In turn, I've learned to accept His love and His hurts, too. We are very close now because of this experience. I really like what lilllabett said earlier in this thread... Its worth going back and reading it, I think.

I am very sorry that you are hurting. Feel free to PM if you want to chat more.

Lillabett's post is well worth internalizing - Link:  http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/topic/139303-failing-at-religious-life/?do=findComment&comment=2740731

[SNJM]

I would like to tell you: YOU HAVE NOT FAILED. I also left a religious congregation, after deep thought, reflection and discernment. It's not easy and of course, we all share a commn bond in that we have taken to heart to what other people have said, how we have been treated (like "failures") and the rest. That's normal, but as time passes, and you learn more about yourself, you will see how ridiculous that is!!! We cannot pretend to know the  mind of God. And feeling the "vocation" of being called to greater intimacy with Him can in fact be just that - call to greater intimacy, but maybe not in religious life as you experienced it. There is a lot of romanticism about religious life in the general populas, and certainly amongst Catholics. I have worked with some very badly wounded people who also left religious life, and their wounds came from what they encountered within the life. I think of what Nunsense disclosed in sharing what she was told - how could her spirit have been expected to soar and grow if that nun was living with her!? (I hope she wasn't a Novice Mistress!) We are all different, but I want to encourage you to take a step back and look at the whole of your life and know that God does not make mistakes. The wounds we create in one another are disturbing at best & I don't want you to get discouraged. There is a reason you are not there and that too, was God. It doesn't mean you were a failure, it means you learned a lot and are invited to keep growing. Others have said some very helpful things - I hope you will follow some of the advice. I would also like to tell you again that there does seem to be overtly romanticized version of religious life on this board as people begin to prepare to enter. Nunsense's comparison to being cheated on is perfect! We tend to look at ourselves (and trying to understand, begin to blame ourselves with hundreds of "what ifs?") & I will take that analogy a step further  - while our marriage is in ruins because of the cheating husband, we often look around and become mesmerized by all the wonderful, happy marriages surrounding us! Of course, that's what we see from the outside because those wonderful happy marriages aren't talking about the secret of alcoholism, cheating or even abuse. (the Duggars are a great example - look at how people have attempted to follow them, believing they were/are the perfect family. Only now are we seeing differently.)  Which, of course, does nothing except further ruin our own self image and confidence! If you are really feeling like a failure & can't seem to shake it, I strongly suggest you take a break from VS. It will only serve as a trigger for these feelings. I love that so many who have been through this mention being unable to go into a Church, or attend Mass. That is the truth of this experience for so many, so advice, dearly well meaning & loving, urging you to spend more time in Adoration might sound perfectly sound and healing, it is very rare for that practice to be a comfort for someone who is describing your feelings and thoughts. Please be gentle with yourself and find an experienced, mature, good SD. In the meantime, many here have revealed wonderful thoughts and experiences. Take some us up (I include myself) in PMing us. May God bless and heal you. 

Rose

[Antigonos]

 

(Plus Judaism totally innoculates you against Jesus—and leaves a big gaping hole where Mary is concerned. She didn't even have to sneak in!  )

You don't need surrogate parents when you have God.   Jews have incredibly close relationships with God Himself; don't need anyone else.  You should have heard my mother praying -- it was a lot like a long distance phone call with a member of the family, and believe me, God couldn't get a word in edgewise!

[BarbTherese]

Really good post, SNJM.
 

[MarysLittleFlower]

You don't need surrogate parents when you have God.   Jews have incredibly close relationships with God Himself; don't need anyone else.  You should have heard my mother praying -- it was a lot like a long distance phone call with a member of the family, and believe me, God couldn't get a word in edgewise!

Well of course we don't see Jesus as a surrogate parent though, but as God Himself  

[Nunsuch]

But if you've ever heard a traditional Catholic mother talk with Mary, she is definitely confiding in her mother!  

[AccountDeleted]

I would like to tell you: YOU HAVE NOT FAILED. I also left a religious congregation, after deep thought, reflection and discernment. It's not easy and of course, we all share a commn bond in that we have taken to heart to what other people have said, how we have been treated (like "failures") and the rest. That's normal, but as time passes, and you learn more about yourself, you will see how ridiculous that is!!! We cannot pretend to know the  mind of God. And feeling the "vocation" of being called to greater intimacy with Him can in fact be just that - call to greater intimacy, but maybe not in religious life as you experienced it. There is a lot of romanticism about religious life in the general populas, and certainly amongst Catholics. I have worked with some very badly wounded people who also left religious life, and their wounds came from what they encountered within the life. I think of what Nunsense disclosed in sharing what she was told - how could her spirit have been expected to soar and grow if that nun was living with her!? (I hope she wasn't a Novice Mistress!) We are all different, but I want to encourage you to take a step back and look at the whole of your life and know that God does not make mistakes. The wounds we create in one another are disturbing at best & I don't want you to get discouraged. There is a reason you are not there and that too, was God. It doesn't mean you were a failure, it means you learned a lot and are invited to keep growing. Others have said some very helpful things - I hope you will follow some of the advice. I would also like to tell you again that there does seem to be overtly romanticized version of religious life on this board as people begin to prepare to enter. Nunsense's comparison to being cheated on is perfect! We tend to look at ourselves (and trying to understand, begin to blame ourselves with hundreds of "what ifs?") & I will take that analogy a step further  - while our marriage is in ruins because of the cheating husband, we often look around and become mesmerized by all the wonderful, happy marriages surrounding us! Of course, that's what we see from the outside because those wonderful happy marriages aren't talking about the secret of alcoholism, cheating or even abuse. (the Duggars are a great example - look at how people have attempted to follow them, believing they were/are the perfect family. Only now are we seeing differently.)  Which, of course, does nothing except further ruin our own self image and confidence! If you are really feeling like a failure & can't seem to shake it, I strongly suggest you take a break from VS. It will only serve as a trigger for these feelings. I love that so many who have been through this mention being unable to go into a Church, or attend Mass. That is the truth of this experience for so many, so advice, dearly well meaning & loving, urging you to spend more time in Adoration might sound perfectly sound and healing, it is very rare for that practice to be a comfort for someone who is describing your feelings and thoughts. Please be gentle with yourself and find an experienced, mature, good SD. In the meantime, many here have revealed wonderful thoughts and experiences. Take some us up (I include myself) in PMing us. May God bless and heal you. 

Rose

You mentioned my post  SNJM so I am going to mention yours! Yours is a fantastic post, and especially the part about the 'well meaning and loving' people who encourage you to spend more time in Adoration or Mass etc. It isn't that they aren't right theoretically, but as you say, it is rare for those things to be a comfort when they can also be the source of great pain. The memories they bring up of doing the same things in the convent makes it almost unbearably painful and, at least for myself, resulted in instant tears almost every time. 

That's why I said that it's almost impossible for someone who hasn't been through the experience to really get to the heart of the matter and understand why these things often don't help. I'm not saying that they shouldn't be tried, but it might just be that they make the problem worse because they focus on the very source of the problem, God Himself (although this is just perceived reality, not actual reality). When I walked the Camino (right after being asked to leave a convent), there were times when I could see that there was no one ahead of me and no one behind me on the trail as far as the eye could see. At these times I often looked up to the sky and screamed at God in anger and pain about everything that had happened. I would accuse Him of being deceitful for luring me into a situation where it appeared I did not belong, and I would scream that it 'wasn't fair' because I had done everything I was told and more, and yet still I was found lacking and inadequate (these were my feelings, perhaps not reality). After the anger, often came great sorrow and intense suffering of soul at feeling so cast off into nothingness - always followed by copious amounts of tears.

Sound dramatic and over the top? Agreed, but feelings can be overwhelming, especially when deeply held hopes and dreams are shattered. And if one perceives God or the Church to be the source of that suffering, then sometimes going to Church or Adoration or any other practice that used to give peace, just doesn't help, it makes it worse. At least for awhile.

I second your suggestion that a good, mature SD can help, as can some friends or family, depending on their objectivity and ability to support in a non-judgmental way what one is going through. I was fortunate to have a very loving family, and I found a truly amazing SD who helped me to find my way back. She actually said many of the things that Lilllabettt did in her post, like -

'But the uniqueness of your Cross means the wisdom and insight you can gain from your experience is also unique in all the world. No one will ever experience what you have, just as you have, ever again. That means it is a priceless treasure. Don't waste it. Make a record. Put it under the microscope. Squeeze every drop of knowledge and understanding you can from it - and see how you can pass that on to benefit mankind. Once you are gone we will never have the chance to learn the unique wisdom of your experience ever again.'

She didn’t say it exactly the same way and it took more than one session with this SD to reinforce the value of my own uniqueness but she eventually got through to me that God wanted me to be me -  or as she put it, ‘the unique wisdom that God has placed within you’. Then, over time, the healing began. It can’t be forced and there will be relapses of the pain (there were for me at least), but one of the beautiful things about life is that it is constantly changing, and things move on. The intensity of feelings fade and eventually it actually seems as if things are going to be alright. For me it helped to keep the lines of communication with God open, whether I was angry or hurt or sad, at least He was still real for me. And eventually we reconciled. The marriage wasn’t irretrievably broken down, just a little bruised for awhile. Now I feel we are closer than ever before. So as Winston Churchill said: