Failing at religious life

[freedomreigns]

I am a bit curious about the views of the religious here on phatmass about what it means for those of us who tried and failed at religious life.  I'm not actually wondering about what you all think about those who just discern out peacefully, but really about those who try and do not have what it takes- physically, emotionally, or spiritually.  (Although your thoughts in general would of course be most welcome.)  

I really felt rejected by God, and the language used to describe the religious life can still really rub a sore spot for me- the idea of "giving yourself wholly to God," and "being called to a special intimacy."  What if someone tries and God says "no?"  Or worse yet if that person feels like God said, "You aren't strong enough/holy enough/whole enough/good enough?"

Just some thoughts that I still need to work through, and to seek the Lord's healing for.  But, your thoughts might help to clarify this a bit for me.  

I'm really not trying to be critical of religious or religious life, but sometimes the whole process can leave a lot of wounded people behind and I am just wondering what those who do "make it" and become consecrated think about this reality.  (I'm not the only one to experience this.)  Some people even lose their faith entirely.  I still have my faith, and for that I am very grateful.  But it can be really difficult to try to be vulnerable with the Lord, and this isn't something easily overcome.  

 

 

[MarysLittleFlower]

I'm sorry to hear about your suffering with this I've never tried religious life. But sometimes I've wondered if my circumstances would allow me to be a religious, and I've had to struggle with feelings that came from that, which were maybe similar... at my worst, I was tempted to think that I want to love God fully and He isn't accepting me. Yet I don't believe that.

What helped me was reading about some Saints, Blesseds, etc, who were extremely close to God yet weren't religious. For example, St Catherine of Siena - great Saint, yet God called her to be a Dominican Tertiary in the world, not a nun. She loved God with a very undivided heart. Yet she lived in the world. Someone might not be a religious, yet can still be consecrated to God in the world through another vocation, if they feel really drawn to that sort of consecration, or a promise, or a commitment to God.

Another example is St Gemma Galgani, who God wanted to be a Passionist nun, but there were difficulties because it involved starting a new community, and it depended on the wills of others. The other people were not cooperating for a long time, I think not until after she died, so she never became a Passionist. However, she is now counted among Passionist Saints, and God did tell her the truth that she would be a Passionist when she learned that she can't be a nun, she suffered greatly but submitted to God's Will.

Whatever His Will is for you, that would be your path to holiness. Just focus on His Will. He loves you, and does desire your love. Don't be afraid of that His Will is what our life is about. As for desiring intimacy with God - so many reject Him... just think how He would view a soul who wants with all their heart to love Him and serve Him. Wouldn't this be a consolation to Jesus? And you only have it because He desires your love first. If it's not possible to be a religious, you still offered to God your good will and effort, and now you can still offer Him your whole heart and if you want, you can even be consecrated to Him in the world. In any case, you can offer Him all of your love undividedly. God bless you

I also recommend the book from Pauline Press called He and I. It did me much good with opening up to Jesus and trusting in His love  http://store.pauline.org/english/books/catpageindex/7/productid/3959.aspx#gsc.tab=0

 

(Just a note, the translators preface uses language that could be unclear as to what she means, - though I think that wasn't her intent at all - and some readers have commented on that in other forums.. but the book itself is so beautiful. The words from Jesus are so tender that its hard not to trust Him totally. The book has an Imprimatur too). 

Edited August 31, 2015 by MarysLittleFlower

[superblue]

I really felt rejected by God, and the language used to describe the religious life can still really rub a sore spot for me- the idea of "giving yourself wholly to God," and "being called to a special intimacy."  What if someone tries and God says "no?"  Or worse yet if that person feels like God said, "You aren't strong enough/holy enough/whole enough/good enough?" but really about those who try and do not have what it takes- physically, emotionally, or spiritually.  

God really in the long n short of it, really does not reject us in this manner;  that is really how people reject other, we have standards that must be met so we create guidelines and expectations etc.... I mean we can easily look at plenty of men who should have never in hind sight been accepted into the priesthood. An then what happens "we" make excuses as to why and how it may have happened.

We see ourselves as never good enough, other people judge us as broken or not ready, when the flip side is , it might be we were knocking on the wrong door, or looking in the wrong place for our calling.  

What about the poor and homeless ?? no one wants to grow up and become poor or homeless, all have different stories as to how they got there, some are really great and lovely people who it is sad they ended up poor and homeless.... so just because someone is poor and homeless makes them no less worthy or less holy than anyone else on this planet who is scholar with multiple degrees, and is also a clergy, but also a clergy in Rome at the Vatican working in the ranks among those who serve the Pope.

Many of saints back in the day, especially the early desert fathers ,  gave up the so called good life,  didn't have the best education compared to today's standards, and became apart of the backbone of the Catholic Church.  God takes the simplest of people to humble those who seem to have it all, from an education and wealth...  You do not have to be smart to be a saint, nor this ideal sense of holy, perfect, or worthy.  No one becomes a saint by first getting an education, or becoming a church militant, or a consecrated , or what ever label you can think of.

God never rejects us, we reject God.  An you do not have to " be special " to have a special intimacy with God, we were made in the Image and likeness of God to thusly have that special intimacy.

 

I would suggest spending more time in Eucharistic Adoration if you can. Not every moment is a special tingly feeling, but Christ is always working in us during those times.

 

 

 

[MarysLittleFlower]

I second the Adoration idea  

[vee]

this website may help

http://www.leonieslonging.org/

OUR MISSION is to support women who have returned to the world after living in a monastery, convent, or other recognized religious community. Leonie’s Longing also seeks to increase awareness in the Catholic Church of the unique needs and struggles of these women.

[BarbTherese]

I felt lost and abandoned for a  while - but I knew I had no vocation to religious life, although the monastic order I entered in my early forties did not make it easy for me from the get go or rather my novice mistress did not.  I knew when I came out I could not go back ever into religious monastic life and that I would have to work through whatever was ahead - the novice mistress in the first religious order I had entered in my teens told me when I asked to leave that I was abandoning my vocation, and initially that scared me but I soon reasoned that God would simply give me another vocation and held on to that for dear life -  and He did, although I think it was there from the start as even in childhood I felt empathy and compassion for any 'underdog' at all (even if their own doing) and sometimes at my own 'peril' back then well pre V2, a vocation and call unrecognised at first and then much later not fully grasped.  Now I know for sure.  But initially it was a confusing ride but I held on to trust in God blindly and that there is a vocation and call - it was just a matter of finding it or recognising it more accurately especially once bipolar onset and my marriage failed - and both were not my choice. 

Once things just began to fall into place after my marriage breakup - at least on and off between bipolar episodes, then the 'loose' ends of my life met and intertwined in the one strand of meaning of my overall journey to date; whereas I used to say prior to that "I have that many loose ends in my life with no idea even to how to begin to make them meet".  One problem initially in probably 1980 or so when I decided to make private vows that private vows were absolutely unheard of in general Catholic consciousness, nor initially in my own Cc either.  Certainly I was assured that theologically it was a valid potential call and vocation. It was a matter of defining what the vocation actually meant and how to live it out.  After I left monastic life in my early forties I was able to recognise that part of my reason for entering was to escape a very busy life indeed.  I returned to that very busy life again and it only slowed right down after my mandatory shift to this suburb 6years ago in September 2015.  My vocation unfolded for me as I journeyed through the days and still does - it really picked up pace once I was given a computer and could research, especially theologically, myself.  "Picked up pace" in that my confidence in the vocation as my personal call - and increased understanding of how to define and live it -  took a consistent upward turn by far - compared to the past.

Initially I was making the vows renewable yearly until quite some years down the line I sought out a priest who knew me well about making life vows.  His advice to me was "Go ahead, providing they ARE for life".  And of course I came away knowing they would be for life and why one earth did he need to stress that.  More years down the life and a fellow priest pal of his was visiting the parish.  I knew him well too.  Before he drove out the carpark I stopped him and told him what had Father had said to me as his advice re life vows.  I told the pal priest, please tell ...FrX....... "The worst thing anyone has ever said to me as informed advice is, I think:  "Providing they ARE for life".  Father had a good laugh.  Living the vows is not an easy ride - not as a religious I suspect, nor as private vows if one is going to take the journey very seriously.  They are almost continually challenging on some level or other, daily challenging quite often.

I think Leonie's Longing as per Vee's post is a really excellent concept and support, ministry and apostolate, for those who have left religious life. 

This is taken from Leonie's Longing website and very important indeed: "Leonie’s Longing also seeks to increase awareness in the Catholic Church of the unique needs and struggles of these women."   Also vitally important is this quote too from the letter from The Bishop of Lansing:

"This apostolate provides a community which fosters Hope, friendship and a renewal of Faith while helping women PREPARE FOR THE FUTURE PLANS OF THE LORD".  (Bold formatting mine).....edit......."blessed are you for following wherever The Lord leads you.  Know that He is with you always and will show you the path of life"

Amen, Alleluia Amen!

[Antigonos]

I am a bit curious about the views of the religious here on phatmass about what it means for those of us who tried and failed at religious life.  I'm not actually wondering about what you all think about those who just discern out peacefully, but really about those who try and do not have what it takes- physically, emotionally, or spiritually.  (Although your thoughts in general would of course be most welcome.)  

I really felt rejected by God, and the language used to describe the religious life can still really rub a sore spot for me- the idea of "giving yourself wholly to God," and "being called to a special intimacy."  What if someone tries and God says "no?"  Or worse yet if that person feels like God said, "You aren't strong enough/holy enough/whole enough/good enough?"

 

 

 

I'm not a religious, or an ex-religious, or even a Catholic, so maybe it's presumptuous of me to say anything.  But, if I've learned anything in 69 years, it's that there's no black/white dichotomy in life.  Jews believe that God never sends a trial which is beyond the strength of the person to cope with, although it might seem so, especially at first.

IMO, what is essential is that you have a relationship with God.  How that relationship is activated, whether by living in the world and helping others, or in religious life, or by marrying and raising the next generation of God-fearing Catholics, is the crucial question.  Catholicism holds up the religious life as being so much more exalted than secular life, but I really don't think that is right --they are different KINDS of vocations.  I am a retired nurse midwife, and I was often offered, because of seniority, to be in charge of L&D units.  I'm a terrible administrator, but I'm an excellent midwife for the patient. Administration is really another specialty.   Your particular talent may not lie in religious life, but rather as a living example of a good devout Catholic in the world who can be a role model.  After all, the percentage of Catholics who enter religious life, compared to the total number of Catholics in the world, is quite small.

Have patience, and do not despair.

[Swami Mommy]

Antigonos, very wise words of comfort!  I would also posit that if one 'fails' at religious life and thus feels rejected by God, then it would be worthwhile to trace those feelings back to their source--one's own mind and relationship with oneself.  If a feeling of rejection, for any reason, arises in one's heart due to external circumstances, it's important to recognize that the circumstances in and of themselves are neutral; it is only one's personal and/or societal judgment that one incorporates into one's own database of beliefs, that colors and lends meaning to the perception of the events.  If one feels rejected by God, then the feeling of rejection has arisen in one's own heart from within their own psyche, and not from the unified field of God that is the unconditional loving acceptance of the totality of everything that exists as infinite aspects of God's own Being. 

[AccountDeleted]

I am a bit curious about the views of the religious here on phatmass about what it means for those of us who tried and failed at religious life.  I'm not actually wondering about what you all think about those who just discern out peacefully, but really about those who try and do not have what it takes- physically, emotionally, or spiritually.  (Although your thoughts in general would of course be most welcome.)  

I really felt rejected by God, and the language used to describe the religious life can still really rub a sore spot for me- the idea of "giving yourself wholly to God," and "being called to a special intimacy."  What if someone tries and God says "no?"  Or worse yet if that person feels like God said, "You aren't strong enough/holy enough/whole enough/good enough?"

Just some thoughts that I still need to work through, and to seek the Lord's healing for.  But, your thoughts might help to clarify this a bit for me.  

I'm really not trying to be critical of religious or religious life, but sometimes the whole process can leave a lot of wounded people behind and I am just wondering what those who do "make it" and become consecrated think about this reality.  (I'm not the only one to experience this.)  Some people even lose their faith entirely.  I still have my faith, and for that I am very grateful.  But it can be really difficult to try to be vulnerable with the Lord, and this isn't something easily overcome.  

 

 

Everything you are experiencing is valid, and that is the first thing you need to recognize. You are grieving for a lost dream and grief involves a variety of changing emotions: anger, sadness, fear of more loss, and a myriad of other feelings. Although the 'stages of grief' have been written about and suggestions offered on how to deal with those stages, the fact is that you are an individual, and have your own individual reaction to what is not an insignificant loss in your life. It will take time and patience with yourself, while you come to terms with what has happened and how that will affect your future. Be kind to yourself while doing so.

Don't worry about blaming God for awhile, He can take it, and the anger might just help you to get past the debilitating sorrow. And if you can't be vulnerable to Him at this point in time, just hang on to what you say you do have - your faith. When the really negative thoughts about yourself come, imagine that someone else is saying all these horrible things to someone you love, and respond to those thoughts as you would to the mean person. No one deserves to be beaten up so don't do it to yourself! Then treat yourself to something you like as if you were a child who needed comforting - because you are. Have an ice cream! 

I think sometimes well-meaning people don't want you to feel the pain, so they offer advice designed to make you feel you should NOT feel the way you do. But you feel the way you do for a very valid reason - you have been hurt and experienced a great loss (to you). It is like a death of someone dearly loved - something has been taken away. And you don't even have the comfort of knowing the person is with God, because in this case the person is your dream of religious life, and it is gone. 

You will have other dreams, and you will feel good again. In fact, you might even feel better in many ways, but it will take time. It isn't easy to let go of a dream just as it isn't easy to let go of any great loss, but acceptance will finally come. Hang onto whatever faith you can, and even if you can't let God into your heart totally yet, don't reject whatever comforts He does offer you. And if you have loving people in your life, like family or friends, let them help you too.

This too shall pass. But it will take time, and even years from now, there might be twinges of pain about it. That's ok. It means you can still feel, and that's a good thing. Religious life is all about a relationship with God - Antigonos is right about that. But the loss of religious life doesn't necessarily mean you have to lose the relationship with Him - it will just develop into a different kind of relationship - if you still want that. Some people get so hurt by the feelings of failure and rejection that they then reject Him as a protection against hurt. But that's a bit like giving up ever loving anyone else after a failed relationship. What failed is your relationship with the community - but it doesn't have to mean a failed relationship with God, just a transformed one. But don't feel it has to happen overnight. God is patient.

You have all my sympathy and compassion for what has happened and the horrible feelings that you are experiencing. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you work through your feelings of loss. 

[Gabriela]

@freedomreigns: God bless you. I encourage you to send an email to Leonie's Longing to ask for prayer. You can specify that prayers be offered for you using just the initial of your first name, if you wish, to maintain your anonymity.

And so that you know, there is a Dominican priest in St. Louis who offers a Mass every Saturday for "Leonie's Ladies," i.e., all women who have returned to the world after living in religious life.

May you find peace—in God's time.

[Spem in alium]

I am holding you in prayer. This must be deeply difficult and I really feel your grief in this...I'm holding it with you.

I don't know if this will help in any way, but perhaps it may do to reflect on the fact that God is always seeking our happiness, and that even if your thoughts or plans for your future have changed, that does not mean you have failed -- it simply means that God is perhaps asking you to walk another road with Him. That being said, though, I do not want to discount the pain that would accompany trying and not being able to fulfill the obligations, as you say. 

Also, I agree that it's okay to be angry at God. It's okay to tell Him how you feel -- actually, I believe He wants you to do that.  And I can see why the language used to describe consecrated life can be difficult. However, God makes each of us strong enough and good enough for something -- it's just a matter of working out what that particular thing is, even though it may hurt. Following God's will is not always easy or clear. It can be awash with suffering and challenges, but ultimately it leads us to the greatest happiness imaginable.

What you say about the wounded people being left behind reinforces for me the need of groups and support networks like Leonie's Longing. I am still only very early in my formation, but I can already recognise in some small ways the reality of this, and the help that people do require in getting back on their feet and moving on. I myself try to pray for humility and abandonment, because I really don't know what God has in store for me, and while I do love living religious life, and while I feel it is where I am being called (at least for the moment), He alone knows what the future holds for me. I try and take one day at a time myself, and encourage you to do the same.  

[Lilllabettt]

for a long time after I was in the convent I could not receive Communion, because I did not want to be near to God. I thought of him as that giant red eye from Lord of the Rings, and I had half an idea that if I could lay low and avoid drawing his attention I could escape further torment at his hands.

you know, I don't know why God allows some things. It seems like our Crosses are custom made, tailored to hurt us where we are most vulnerable. I don't know - its a mystery. But the uniqueness of your Cross means the wisdom and insight you can gain from your experience is also unique in all the world. No one will ever experience what you have, just as you have, ever again. That means it is a priceless treasure. Don't waste it. Make a record. Put it under the microscope. Squeeze every drop of knowledge and understanding you can from it - and see how you can pass that on to benefit mankind. Once you are gone we will never have the chance to learn the unique wisdom of your experience ever again.

Maybe God saw a need to bring that unique wisdom into the world, and it could only happen through you, and by letting you walk down this path of suffering. Looking at it like that, you really are no less chosen.

[TheresaThoma]

I haven't been in religious life but I have been asked to leave a community living setting. It was hard and it hurt. I had signed up for a year but after 8 months the decision was made for me to leave. I knew then and I understand even more now that it was the right decision but it still hurt. It was very easy for me to let myself feel like a failure. But I had to keep focusing on the good that came out of it. Even if there were just little tiny things at first. I did grieve for a while. I kept my distance and kept contact to a minimum. I needed to sort things out on my end before I could renew those relationships.

Now exactly a year later I can look back and see the good and reasons why. It still hurts a bit but when I am tempted to dwell on that I try to focus on all the good reasons why I am not there. This part takes time. At first you will feel lost, and hurt and angry which is normal and even healthy. But don't get stuck there. Acknowledge the woundedness but work towards healing.

There is a bit of a culture shock coming out of community. When you are living in a community it becomes a part of your identity so you may feel a bit lost. It takes time to re-establish who you are.

If you had told me a year ago as I was boarding the train to go live with my friend where I am now I would have a hard time believing it. I was very much wounded but now looking back I am so grateful because out of that woundedness has come so much life and grace. 

I will be praying for you. 

[OnlySunshine]

I've never been in religious life formally, but I experienced somewhat of the pain of a dream or plan falling through.  6 years ago, I made an arrangement to go live with a religious community that I had applied to so I could learn more about their apostolate.  The first visit went very well and I thought I could see myself living among the Sisters in that particular convent.  I arranged to live-in so I could pay off my personal debt and enter sooner and the Superior asked me to come live in a different convent that I had never visited before.  It did not go well at all.  I wasn't able to sleep or eat and I was definitely not able to work because anxiety got the better of me.  I felt like the Superior was putting too many demands on me so quickly - I was supposed to start on Monday but was thrown into work on Sunday after Mass even before I met the children or was introduced to the other teachers.  I ended up working half a day on Monday and it became apparent to me that it was not going to work out.  I tried to stick it out on Tuesday but was still emotionally drained about being away from my family for the first time.  I was supposed to stay for 6 weeks.  I only stayed 3.5 days and then asked to go home.  I felt I was wasting my time and theirs because I wasn't able to feel at peace with applying to this community.  It wasn't for me.  The Superior was very unhappy with me and I felt horrible.  I also felt horrible when I returned home and no one would talk to me for about 2 days.  I felt incredibly lonely and worried that I had made the wrong decision.

It was difficult to see the sunshine through the rain, but I am very glad that I did not enter that community.  I am much happier now that I am getting my Bachelor degree in December and I've found my calling to be a healthcare administrator.  It felt like the world was going to end when I left, but I am so glad it worked out in the end.

[MarysLittleFlower]

The everlasting God has

in His wisdom foreseen

from eternity the cross

that He now presents to you

as a gift from His inmost heart.

 

This cross He now sends you

He has considered with His all-knowing eyes,

understood with His divine mind,

tested with His wise justice,

warmed with loving arms

and weighed with His own hands

to see that it be not one inch too large

and not one ounce too heavy for you.

 

He has blessed it with His holy Name,

anointed it with His consolation,

taken one last glance at you

and your courage,

and then sent it to you from heaven,

a special greeting from God to you,

an alms of the all-merciful love of God.

(St Francis De Sales)

http://www.ourgardenofcarmel.org/yourcross.html

 

I know this is really painful to bear. That is normal. God understands and even though this is difficult for us, His goodness is always there even in crosses. In Heaven we will understand fully and all will be amazed at His work. If we feel lost but still try to tell Jesus we trust Him, I believe He receives much glory from this. But I believe He looks on you with much love. He has compassion on human frailty, and He understands all human miseries.. And when we want to love yet are met with an obstacle, that is how we can earn merit. Everything can be turned for good and God gives us grace where we are.  

Just some thoughts.. God bless you  

Edited September 1, 2015 by MarysLittleFlower