Guilt after a party where friends smoked a lot

[NadaTeTurbe]

I really need to speak about something that happened saturday night, because I feel guilty, and have a lot of questions about it. 

Last night, I agreed to go to spend the evening and the night at a friend house, with other friends. My friend told me it would be very simple, just speaking, and we would be home on sunday morning, so I could go to mass. Turned out it wasn't that at all. They began to smoke (marijuana) at 9 p.m, stopping at 4 a.m. I don't smoke, so... I just watched (and felt angry). At 4 a.m, when we went to sleep, I did not have spaces to sleep, so I had to sleep on the floor, without matress or anything, and I still suffer on my back (who is fragile) because of this. They did not wake up on the morning at all, but at 12 a.m, and then, my driver wanted to smoke again, so I had to wait two hours before going home. So no mass...

I now feel guilty. First, because I missed mass, when I could have been more carefull. But, second, when I think about it, I never tried to say "you should not smoke, it's bad for you". In fact, since some of my friends (not all), began to smoke, I neved told them not to do so. I made clear I don't smoke, and why, I never showed an happy face when they did it, but... I never say "stop it, it's bad." I now wonder if it's a sin, to not say to other not to sin (don't know if my sentence is in good english). I now really feel guilty, because my sister was a drug-addict, with a lot of different drugs, and even if she's not a drug-addict since one year (thanks to God and Ste Germaine de Pibrac), I wonder what would have happened if a friend seriously told her not to smoke. Because, now that I think about it seriously, it's not normal to smoke like they did. I wonder if I can take the eucharist tomorrow at mass, with this sins, because I will not be able to attend confession before wednesday. 
And the other thing, is that I want to say to my friend how angry I am at him. That he lied about what the night was going, that he let me sleep on the floor (while he was on the bed...), that he smoked on the morning instead of driving us... The thing, I can't do it. I have tried to text him, but I don't know what to say, how to say it. the thing is, I never made reproach to my friends. I'm too afraid to loose them. I know my friend think he did nothing wrong, and I'm really afraid how he will react if I told him. 
If anyone have advices on this, or have been in the same situations... 

[julianneoflongbeach]

You didn't do anything wrong. Your "friend" lied to you. He knows perfectly well what he did was wrong, even if he thinks getting high is morally neutral it doesn't excuse anything else he did. Even if you feel guilty, omission in this case is at worst a venial sin which can be forgiven during the penitential rite in mass, so you don't need to go to confession beforehand.

And also since it wasn't your intention to miss mass, that's not a sin either. You can go to mass without worry. But when I miss mass by some unavoidable circumstance, even though I know it's ok,  I still like to mention it at my next confession so I feel better.

[NadaTeTurbe]

I know it was his fault, but I think it's also kind of mine, because I did not tried to stop him. I know I would have failed, but silence in face of sin is wrong, specially, when like me, it was because of a mix of anger, and of cowardice in front of friends.  

Yes, I like to mention it also. I try to always mention everything I felt guilty for. I will go to mass tomorrow, and try to really pray the penitential rite. 

[Lilllabettt]

When I am really mad at someone who does/should know better, I don't say anything. I just cut them from my life. Sounds like your "friend" might need to be amputated. 

Bad stuff can happen when you hang around people who are doing drugs. Some very bad stuff.  

It's a riptide. It can pull many innocent people under.  

If you see someone in the room with you or on the street or in your home or at work who is high or drunk, get away from that person as quickly as you can. Whenever you are around someone who is high or drunk, you are in imminent danger, whether you realize it or not.

Obviously your "friend" cannot be trusted to keep you out of those situations.

So why are you afraid of losing this doofus? Do you think you might have self-esteem issues?

[Norseman82]

When I am really mad at someone who does/should know better, I don't say anything. I just cut them from my life. Sounds like your "friend" might need to be amputated.

Bad stuff can happen when you hang around people who are doing drugs. Some very bad stuff.

It's a riptide. It can pull many innocent people under.

If you see someone in the room with you or on the street or in your home or at work who is high or drunk, get away from that person as quickly as you can. Whenever you are around someone who is high or drunk, you are in imminent danger, whether you realize it or not.

Obviously your "friend" cannot be trusted to keep you out of those situations.

So why are you afraid of losing this doofus? Do you think you might have self-esteem issues?

Agreed.  This so called "friend" is what would be traditionally called a "bad companion" that the old Baltimore Catechism said we should avoid. 

[NadaTeTurbe]

We're a whole group a friend. He is not on my "first circle" (I don't know how to tell it... It's not a very close friend, but we hang out, and we have been very close at a moment, three years ago, but he asked me on a date, but I said no and kept away from him  since it). I - usually - like to spend time with him, like I like to spend time with the rest of the group. He is usually a very nice guy. It's a little out of character from him. Thank you drugs. 

I know about drug, or at least, I thought I knew. I spend my childhood seeing the effects of drugs on my sister, until she left home. Yesterday evening really opened my eyes about how "tolerant" I have been to this smoking in other party. There's two kind of party with my friend. The one with this particular friend always involved smoking and drinking and crazy dancing (I don't do any of them), and the one at another friend house are more about playing games, traditionnal dancing, or watching movies, and I'm angry at me because I should have say "no" before to go to my first friend party. 

I think I'm afraid of losing him, because it's the first time I have something against him. Until now, he have been nice. And... I have a normal self-esteem - too high on some subject, too low on other -, like everyone else, but it's true that this years have really made me doubt of my capacity to make friend. Last years was my first year of university. Until now, I have had the same circle of friends since high school, with 5 very close friends, (that I completely trust... and don't smoke/drink), and a bunch of other people that I like. I have some other friends (from music, or internet friend that are now IRL friend), but not "a lot" - and that's okay, I'm happy with them. So, it was already hard to spend my time in the university, seeing my friends only on the week-end, but I did not make any friend in my class or in the whole university. I tried to speak with people, etc... but the only guy that I like to spend time with ended having some extremist ideas that I don't like. So, it's true that's this summer, I have been very anxious about going back to college, and spending my time alone, far from my friends. And that's true that I feel... bad, stupid, or anything, when I see how quick my other friends have made friend in their school. And I'm very anxious about in two years. All my friends are in a two year formation to enter an elite school in Paris, which means that when I will be in my third year of college in Toulouse, they will be all living in Paris, and I'm really, really afraid to not see them. And then, there's always this questions "why can't you make friend ? Is it because you're too ugly, or this, or that". So I guess that's why I'm always afraid to lose friends.

[AccountDeleted]

These are not friends. He is not your friend. You need to redefine your understanding of the word 'friend'. 

Make new friends. And stop asking yourself such disempowering questions (like: 'why can't you make friends?'). You obviously can make friends - you just need to make better choices. There are plenty of good people in the world so don't hang out with those who do self-harm or are too selfish to keep their promises.

You did nothing wrong except make a poor choice of 'friends'.

[beatitude]

You didn't do anything wrong. You needed this guy to drive you home and in that circumstance it would have been extra difficult for you to start objecting. It's always hard when you're in a group and you're the only one not joining in with something, but it's even harder when you're depending on a person in that group for something.

I think you should talk to your friend about this. You say that this is out of character for him. If this is true, it may be that something is wrong in his life right now, or that he felt pressured into it because his friends do it. I would write him an e-mail and begin by saying that Mass is very important to you and that you are upset he didn't honour his promise to get you there. Also mention the bed situation - it is incredibly selfish to expect someone with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome to sleep on the floor. Maybe see how he responds to that and then speak about the drugs. If he is usually considerate to you, it might be the influence of the drugs that led him to be so selfish - perhaps you can help him to see that, and to figure out what he values more.

If he doesn't respond positively, step back. Stay polite, but make it clear that there is no room for such things in your life.

[Ash Wednesday]

You would be better off finding some different friends that share your values. Is there not a Catholic Campus Ministry or other organization that you can get involved in?

At the very least, I'd think twice about doing something with them on a Saturday night without having a Plan B in place -- like going to mass the night before, or arranging for a cab to give you a ride the next day. Though personally, I can't think of many things more boring than being at a party where people are drunk or getting stoned, and you're the only sober one. I'm not going to clutch pearls over college kids doing the dumb things college kids do, but these people don't sound like you have much in common with them, nor do they seem like the kind of friends you make for life. If hanging out with them did become a regular impediment to making it to mass, then yes, you would have to make a choice. A mentor asked me once what was worse, offending friends or offending God. That always stuck with me, and I think it's worth mentioning here.

My first year of university started out very lonely because I lived at home with my parents and couldn't afford to live in a residence hall. But I eventually got involved with the Catholic Campus Ministry there and made some friends.

Over time it also got better because I started to know the same people in my major.

I hope you find some better friends with time.

[NadaTeTurbe]

I think I will follow beatitude advice and write him an e-mail, so I can write something long and make myself clear. I know he is not going super well, because things are complicated with his girlfriend since 2 years, ans so is school, and he mentionned (while lauging) that he spend his summer smoking with his girlfriend. I know it's not good sign, but we're not close anymore and he's someone who doesn't speak easily. I texted other friends from the same groupe and was a little "rassured" to see they think the same. They were all angry about it, and told me not to go to party with him anymore since "we can't trust him". I am so happy to have support from them. 

I have friends that share my values. They are the closest to me, they don't like to smoke and drink at all, and for them "a party" means some regional dancing and then playing Trivial Poursuit. But we are also friend with the other group. It's a little complicated. 
French university doesn't work as a "campus", there's no residence hall, or activities, or anything, it's really just school. And I'm in a private catholic university of 2 000 students, it's little, but lovely. There's a catholic ministry, but I have decided to leave it, because the ambiance is very bad (for exemple, they are always making jokes because I'm part of the Scouts de France, who is a co-ed scout movement with a simple uniform, and they are part of the Scouts Unitaires de France, who is a not-co-ed scout movement with the old uniform, so I must be a "progro" "gauchiste" (progressist/leftist)), there's a lot of holocaust joke, and all kind of things that I don't like. It's not the ministry who is bad, it's the people on it. Outside of school, I go to music school, I volunteer in various things, part of a youth group, and I'm a scout. I also live at home with my parents, and will live with them until the end of my master. 

I really think I already have good friends. It's juste one disappointed me a lot, and made me realize of my own error, that I have been too tolerant with the ""little"" drinking and smoking. Partly my fault. 

I read again St Francis of Sales writing on friendship in the Introduction, and it was really a good reminder. 

[Era Might]

This incident isn't about your friends, it's about you. Friends come and go. You won't be the same person in 10, 20, 30 years. You have to take the opportunities life offers you to take control of your decisions. Don't get caught up on people...your life's like a train, either people are on board or you have to leave them at the station. Some of them you'll find again at other stations, but you can't stay at any one station, you have to keep moving.

[vee]

you couldnt take a taxi and leave?  you couldnt call someone else to go get you?  you had alternatives to leave that place and get to Mass, you need to confess this. 

Edited August 24, 2015 by vee
typo

[truthfinder]

Yeah, I'm in the same boat as Vee. You needed to at least tried to leave.  

As for friends - it's one thing to have as casual acquaintances people who smoke (do drugs) and drink to excess.  It's quite another to be reliant on them.  Unfortunately, it seems like you were mislead.  And not trying to sound high-and-mighty, but it's always good to have a back-up plan when going to a party (or maybe a couple: is there someone else I know who I can ask for a ride, did I bring enough money for a taxi/transit fare, can I call someone else to get me?) I've certainly been at parties where I knew there were going to be drugs or excessive drinking, but I've always planned to make my exit before things got too late or got too stupid (and smoking weed to 4am is just stupid). 

And last point - sorry, I'm really starting to sound preachy - it's not so much that you didn't say "this is bad": we've had all sorts of debates on the legality and morality of drugs on this phorum - rather it's that their behaviour made you uncomfortable and imperiled (for a lack of a better word) you both physically and spiritually.  If you can't say to your friend that you are uncomfortable and that you need to leave and your request be respected, this person is not your friend. 

[NadaTeTurbe]

I have never take a taxi (nor seen someone taking them), but I did not have enough monney (usually taxi are more than 50 € for 30 minutes), and I only had my Visa cards and no cash, and here taxi don't take cards, you need to have cash to pay them. Taxi are very bad here, it's very rare to use them. I called my brother and a friend on the morning, but they could not come. And outside of this friend, nobody have his driver license. On the morning, when I saw that he was still sleeping, I called another altar server to ask her if she knews someone in the church that could pick me in the city where I was, but it was too far. 

Okay, so I sent him an e-mail about everything I've said. I also told him that I am not going to any party where he brings alcohol to get drunk or drugs, and told him that I did not liked that he drove us after smoking so much. I am now waiting his answer. 

Thank you all for your answers, I really made me think about friendship. 

Edited August 24, 2015 by NadaTeTurbe

[truthfinder]

See, all these details matter, and it appears your culpability has lessened.  I'd still confess missing Mass, but it no longer looks mortal.  In all, chalk it up to a lesson learned.