Self Care in Religious Life

[katherineH]

A question for those who are or have been in a religious community: how did you keep yourself from becoming burnt out physically and emotionally? It seems like sisters are always on the go, and obviously the horarium doesn't allow for a little afternoon nap.  I'm curious as to how you balanced the demands of the apostolate while staying healthy, especially in communities with a rising time of 4:30!

[marigold]

Sisters do a lot, you're right, but I believe that any community's way of life that is truly working well and clearly able to be lived, WILL have specific times and places for rest and support. Active religious might not have a siesta, but they do take retreats and longer breaks, even to visit family at home or go away together to a retreat house. Monastic communities almost always have a break in the middle of the day, which will be well used by some for a nap It's worth saying as well that the sisters I know, especially those who seem to be always on the go, really know how to stop and be still, and that helps. It was something I didn't get the hang of while I was in the monastery - I couldn't just stop and rest. During the afternoon siesta I'd either be wide awake and eventually go outside and start doing some work again, or I'd fall into a way too deep sleep and struggle to resurface for the second half of the afternoon. I think you learn it as you go.

And Roman Catholic communities, whether active or contemplative, do seem to schedule recreation periods for everyone to come together socially (I really like this aspect actually and wish we did it). So there is emotional support there. Or some communities talk during mealtimes, or more often in Orthodox communities, will talk a bit if they have a big project that needs several people, e.g. shelling peas. Instruction for newbies is also never lacking! And then there are your superiors, whom you hopefully will at least trust and respect, even if you don't feel very heart-to-heart with them at first, and of course confessors and visiting priests. From my own experience though, it's the sisterhood and camaraderie that is the biggest support, and what will actually get you through those days when you just feel like you have nothing to give. They are the really irreplaceable part of the life because they, unlike most of the rest of the people you might come into contact with, are also living the life day in and day out, and know what it's like, and will laugh about things and offer a shoulder to cry on when it's really hard.

Is your question related to the reservations you mentioned in the other thread just now? If so, I hope you aren't freaking out and thinking that you can't do X, Y or Z... give it time and allow yourself to actually try the life out

[Egeria]

I'm pretty sure that most (probably all) communities that get up at 4.30 allow for the possibility of a siesta. The tricky thing is juggling actually resting with all the other things you'd like to do in that time as you won't have other time for them! Monasteries are often very busy places, and until you get into the rhythm of it, it can feel exhausting. But that's why people are usually eased into it gradually - and once you do get into the rhythm it sort of carries you. A regular life can be exhausting at first, but when you get into it, it provides great strength. Of course, that has to be balanced with solitude and individual needs, but that's also what the whole formation process is about...

And Marigold, sorry to nitpick, but not all Roman Catholic communities have recreation, at least not in the formal sense that many speak of. But then I just always seem to know the exceptions! 

[truthfinder]

And not all communities will clearly state "siesta" on the horarium - it's usually silence/reading/rest. It's up the individual at that point what they are going to -quietly- do, but napping is a definite possibility. 

[Spem in alium]

It can be hard, but it's all about finding time. The reality is that yes, Sisters are very busy. Speaking in terms of Sisters in my community, several of them work full-time and aren't home during the days, so need to find time outside of normal hours to pray individually, especially before the Blessed Sacrament (one of the wishes of our Mother Foundress was that Sisters would spend time each day before the Lord in private prayer). 

We begin our prayers together at 6:50AM, but I often use the time before that (from about 4:30 onward) in private prayer, reading, or just relaxing -- it may sound strange to relax at the beginning of your day, but I find my days are often very draining. I spend most of my time alone (I am a research student, and so study is at the moment my ministry and work), and by the evenings I'm normally quite tired, and sometimes truly exhausted. After we pray Vespers and the Rosary, I sometimes go to my room, turn off all the lights, burn a candle (or use a battery-operated one), and just prostrate myself in silence or while listening to music. It's actually such a great way (for me, anyway) to relax. 

Sisters also have the opportunity for retreats and rest. Saturdays are our free day, so some Sisters will use them to relax or go out with friends. 

It's very important to seek support when needed. I've found many Sisters to be perceptive, and the superior should be, if she's cluey, but they can't read minds. We all need to have some time out at times, to recharge, and to just BE with God. So I think it's wise that if a Sister felt burnt-out, she would raise the issue with her superior or with others. Work is tiring, but being burnt-out goes beyond that. 

We don't have scheduled recreation, but do eat in common at breakfast and lunch, which is a great way of coming together and just having fun. What I've also found useful is having a hobby. On one of my visits to the convent (after I'd applied but before I heard I'd been accepted), one of my Sisters taught me to crochet. She told me that I would need to have a hobby in religious life. It's one of the best pieces of advice I've ever received. 

[superblue]

A question for those who are or have been in a religious community: how did you keep yourself from becoming burnt out physically and emotionally? It seems like sisters are always on the go, and obviously the horarium doesn't allow for a little afternoon nap.  I'm curious as to how you balanced the demands of the apostolate while staying healthy, especially in communities with a rising time of 4:30!

I have depression, and have for a very long time, so i am constantly burnt out in the emotional regards, physically burnt out kinda sorta but that is due to sleep apnea which i will probably get a machine for later down the road...... for me i have to every day from the second i wake up, remind myself to not give in to the burdens i have.... our schedule is balanced for us though, The Work of God, for us is scheduled to pray and work, and nap.  So it really helps that things are broken down; for me at least. I could personally use more physical work through out the day, but i do not have the liberty to just work on anything i want so I let that desire go and realized i have the rest of my life to worry about work and staying busy and to just enjoy the formation years at the moment.  Praying in the morning is sadly pointless for me, as i am not alert nor really awake ( though the reasoning i am told for praying in the morning: is the idea is that we are well rested in the morning and fresh )  So I make up for that time later in the day and i find it beneficial as it keeps me mentally balanced. With out times in the day to pray i do not think i could function properly anymore. I think it is one reason why i was not adapting to life in the secular world, i lacked proper prayer time.

I have nothing figured out though, my journey I think is always going to be a constant learning phase, right when things seem comfortable , The Good Lord i am sure will find a way to turn things upside down once more to get me moving down the path again.  I am told to work on a hobby, but the hobbies i want to pursue i can not for a variety of reasons, so i am left with what i know which is creative painting here an there and now picking up on calligraphy  albeit very slowly, though the thing is with my depression more often than not i am not in the emotional mood to do anything, so i often do not paint or do anything creative because i am just flat out too depressed to so that time then is spent working on fighting my thoughts and recognizing that I am blessed.

 I would rather be doing productive work, seeing something created by my hands and being put to good use for others than keeping myself " busy " with a hobby, but again all in due time. For me I am having to learn and recognize to make any hobby something prayerful.

[sr.christinaosf]

I am very much looking forward to a break with our Sisters in Rugby, North Dakota.  I'll be catching a ride back with them on Labor Day and will spend days of R&R with them before catching a ride back that Friday.  It just works out that there's transportation both ways at that time.  I don't get up at 4:30, but often before 5:30.  I think a big part about sleep is you get used to a certain amount, too.  

Our Dillingen Franciscan Constitutions actually address your concern in a nice way: 

Each Sister has the right and the duty to set aside appropriate times for rest and relaxation in her daily, weekly, and yearly work schedule.  She should use these times of relaxation with the same sense of responsibility with which she uses the trims for work and prayer.  

 

We do have specified amounts of time for home visit/vacation as well as retreat each year.

[katherineH]

Thanks everyone! It sounds like each of you have found ways to blend rest into your daily lives.  I once read that naps can glorify God because you're taking time to care for the body He's given you 

This question was triggered because one of the sisters in the communities I'm discerning with is working full-time as a school counselor, working as a therapist a few hours a week in the sisters' clinic, and pursuing her PhD.  My first reaction was "there's no way that's healthy."  I had never thought of self-care before and it hasn't been something I've brought up with the VDs I've spoken with.  I'm somewhat anxious about bringing it up because I don't want to sound lazy, in the same way you don't want your first question to a VD to be how often you get to see your family, you don't want the first thing you ask to be whether or not sisters get to rest.  I think framing it as self-care might be a good way to approach it.  

I read somewhere about men and women who leave religious life and have to go into rehabilitation programs because their bodies are so worn out, especially those who live very ascetically.  The more I think about it, the more I'm realizing that it's important to me to find a community that is intentional about pursuing the mental and physical health of their sisters.  Good work, life, and prayer balance won't just happen - it something you have to work towards to achieve, and work to maintain.  just like in non-religious life   

[Sister Marie]

My reply to this is from the perspective of a sister in an apostolic congregation.  I have no experience as a monastic so I just want to be clear about what type of religious life I'm speaking about before I begin.  In my experience, apostolic religious life is very demanding in a way that is different from monastic life but also gives some more flexibility and personal freedom for self care than monastic life so there is some give in what seems like a very demanding lifestyle.  It seems that in monastic life some of this self-care, although always the responsibility of the individual, is accounted for in the community schedule.   For example, apostolic religious may not have any siesta in their schedule but they can go away for a weekend by themselves to a retreat center or the convent of a friend and spend some time apart for renewal.  Same idea - different way of doing it!  Often it seems that apostolic religious do less penance or pray with less intensity when, in reality, these things just look different - neither is better than the other.  

I can only speak for my own experience so maybe I can just give you a bit of an idea of the way this works in my own individual life.  I'm a teacher which means I have children in front of me from 7:30-2:30 Monday through Friday.  We have morning prayer at 6 followed by Mass and evening prayer at 5 followed by a talking dinner together.  Each sister has the right to an hour of private prayer before the Blessed Sacrament but she decides when that happens. For me this means waking early and spending the hour before morning prayer with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament.  After the children leave school, I spend the afternoons working on planning and other school responsibilities and in the evenings I like to recreate with the sisters in the community room before I go to bed - early!  After dinner, I clean the kitchen because I have it as a charge and I get ready for bed, spend time with the sisters, and pray compline  and examen on my own (our community custom).  It is a busy life but I have made sure that I go away sometimes to another convent to rest and recharge, go on a mini-retreat other than my annual retreat for some needed prayer time, go to spiritual direction, or sleep in on a Sunday and go to the late Sunday Mass if I'm exhausted.  All these options work for us because we are an apostolic congregation and our life is less regulated by a horarium and more by the needs of the people we serve.  There have been times in my religious life where I have felt stretched beyond what I thought I was capable of... and I found I was capable of more than I thought but I had to  make sure I kept time for prayer, community, and the apostolate.  It is a mark of maturity to be able to balance various areas of life knowing that each is important. 

It's also important to remember that we can do a lot for a definite period of time.  When I was working as a full-time teacher and studying at the same time it could be stressful but it wasn't forever and I made sure to safeguard our monthly retreat day, my times of prayer, and times of recreation with community.  I agree 100% with Marigold that the sisters with whom you live are your strength and support in the times that are difficult in this way.  I cannot thank God enough for the gift of these women in my religious life.  They supported me, cared for me, loved me, and carried me through these busy times.

It's good that you are thinking about these things but please remember that life is messy - apostolic, monastic, and lay - always a bit messy!  I am always tempted by this because I love for everything to be in order and in place but life is not like that!  Balance isn't something that is ever achieved but is always worked towards because circumstances are always changing and we are always adapting.  If you are in the right type of life for you - the one God has called you to - those words "I can do all things in Him who strengthens me" will ring true in easy and difficult times.  

If you have anymore questions about how apostolic religious live, I would be happy to answer as far as my experience in my own community is concerned.

Edited to add - What is healthy for one person is not always healthy for another.  For example - I worked full time while doing a graduate program... another sister in my community said she was not able to do that and the community gave her time away from her apostolate to study.  It's healthy to have good discernment and communication about individual needs and to know that what is healthy for one is not healthy for another!  

Edited August 20, 2015 by Sister Marie
to add...

[AveMariaPurissima]

I don't really have anything to add; I just wanted to say that I'm enjoying following this thread and that it's very interesting to me.  After my experiences and things I saw in a particular community, this is an area I'm concerned about in regards to my future discernment.  I think it's important for religious communities to respect the humanity of each Sister, while at the same time take care to maintain the values essential to religious life.  It's all about balance, I guess.

[katherineH]

My reply to this is from the perspective of a sister in an apostolic congregation.  I have no experience as a monastic so I just want to be clear about what type of religious life I'm speaking about before I begin.  In my experience, apostolic religious life is very demanding in a way that is different from monastic life but also gives some more flexibility and personal freedom for self care than monastic life so there is some give in what seems like a very demanding lifestyle.  It seems that in monastic life some of this self-care, although always the responsibility of the individual, is accounted for in the community schedule.   For example, apostolic religious may not have any siesta in their schedule but they can go away for a weekend by themselves to a retreat center or the convent of a friend and spend some time apart for renewal.  Same idea - different way of doing it!  Often it seems that apostolic religious do less penance or pray with less intensity when, in reality, these things just look different - neither is better than the other.  

I can only speak for my own experience so maybe I can just give you a bit of an idea of the way this works in my own individual life.  I'm a teacher which means I have children in front of me from 7:30-2:30 Monday through Friday.  We have morning prayer at 6 followed by Mass and evening prayer at 5 followed by a talking dinner together.  Each sister has the right to an hour of private prayer before the Blessed Sacrament but she decides when that happens. For me this means waking early and spending the hour before morning prayer with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament.  After the children leave school, I spend the afternoons working on planning and other school responsibilities and in the evenings I like to recreate with the sisters in the community room before I go to bed - early!  After dinner, I clean the kitchen because I have it as a charge and I get ready for bed, spend time with the sisters, and pray compline  and examen on my own (our community custom).  It is a busy life but I have made sure that I go away sometimes to another convent to rest and recharge, go on a mini-retreat other than my annual retreat for some needed prayer time, go to spiritual direction, or sleep in on a Sunday and go to the late Sunday Mass if I'm exhausted.  All these options work for us because we are an apostolic congregation and our life is less regulated by a horarium and more by the needs of the people we serve.  There have been times in my religious life where I have felt stretched beyond what I thought I was capable of... and I found I was capable of more than I thought but I had to  make sure I kept time for prayer, community, and the apostolate.  It is a mark of maturity to be able to balance various areas of life knowing that each is important. 

It's also important to remember that we can do a lot for a definite period of time.  When I was working as a full-time teacher and studying at the same time it could be stressful but it wasn't forever and I made sure to safeguard our monthly retreat day, my times of prayer, and times of recreation with community.  I agree 100% with Marigold that the sisters with whom you live are your strength and support in the times that are difficult in this way.  I cannot thank God enough for the gift of these women in my religious life.  They supported me, cared for me, loved me, and carried me through these busy times.

It's good that you are thinking about these things but please remember that life is messy - apostolic, monastic, and lay - always a bit messy!  I am always tempted by this because I love for everything to be in order and in place but life is not like that!  Balance isn't something that is ever achieved but is always worked towards because circumstances are always changing and we are always adapting.  If you are in the right type of life for you - the one God has called you to - those words "I can do all things in Him who strengthens me" will ring true in easy and difficult times.  

If you have anymore questions about how apostolic religious live, I would be happy to answer as far as my experience in my own community is concerned.

Edited to add - What is healthy for one person is not always healthy for another.  For example - I worked full time while doing a graduate program... another sister in my community said she was not able to do that and the community gave her time away from her apostolate to study.  It's healthy to have good discernment and communication about individual needs and to know that what is healthy for one is not healthy for another!  

thank you for your thorough response sr. Marie! That's neat that your community was receptive to the needs and varying thresholds of the sisters.  What community are you a part of?

[Sister Marie]

thank you for your thorough response sr. Marie! That's neat that your community was receptive to the needs and varying thresholds of the sisters.  What community are you a part of?

Sent you a PM, Katherine... Hope it went through! This is one of the things I love most about my community... I truly feel cared about as an individual and as a member of community!

Edited August 20, 2015 by Sister Marie

[vee]

I think the best way to see how things work out is by any kind of live in experience the community may offer.  Reading about the life, watching the life and actually living it are very different things.  When i was able to have such an experience I found the life to be very balanced and it answered my questions of how it could be done and how I would handle it.  The things I thought might be difficult were not and I could see some areas where I might struggle, like detaching from technology   I was able to see if there was good mental health in the community and such like how do they correct each other and even handle a stressful emergency situation.   So definitely give the life a try if there is a chance to!

[TheresaThoma]

I haven't lived in religious life (yet  ) but I have lived in a very busy communal life. I did end up burning out there after 8 months but I learned a lot about how not to burn out personally. I think the biggest thing is to respect your own need to recharge. Often times I was faced with spending more time in community and doing stuff or taking time by myself to recharge. Unfortunately more often than not I would chose not to recharge and over time that adds up. In any community life there are just some schedules that won't work for certain people and that is ok. You just have to know yourself well enough and your own needs to be able to figure out if the schedule will work for you with or without minor modifications. 

When I visit the Sisters the best way I can explain why I feel like I fit there is I go to bed tired but never drained. One brother explained the schedule is like breathing, in the morning they start the day in prayer, an inhale. Then they are off to apostolates or classes or other work, an exhale. Then midday there is another stop for prayer, an inhale before the afternoon starts with more work and study, exhale. Then in the evening one final inhale with adoration and prayer.  They have weekly "desert" days where everything except Mass are in private (meals, prayer, adoration etc). It is a "free" day and the Sisters use it to pray more, or work on a hobby or catch up on a few things. I have found that particular schedule is a good balance for me. It may not be for someone else. Some people may find that a whole day in solitude is not what recharges them. They may prefer a more social free day etc.

[beatitude]

Thanks everyone! It sounds like each of you have found ways to blend rest into your daily lives.  I once read that naps can glorify God because you're taking time to care for the body He's given you 

This question was triggered because one of the sisters in the communities I'm discerning with is working full-time as a school counselor, working as a therapist a few hours a week in the sisters' clinic, and pursuing her PhD.  My first reaction was "there's no way that's healthy."  I had never thought of self-care before and it hasn't been something I've brought up with the VDs I've spoken with.  I'm somewhat anxious about bringing it up because I don't want to sound lazy, in the same way you don't want your first question to a VD to be how often you get to see your family, you don't want the first thing you ask to be whether or not sisters get to rest.  I think framing it as self-care might be a good way to approach it.  

I read somewhere about men and women who leave religious life and have to go into rehabilitation programs because their bodies are so worn out, especially those who live very ascetically.  The more I think about it, the more I'm realizing that it's important to me to find a community that is intentional about pursuing the mental and physical health of their sisters.  Good work, life, and prayer balance won't just happen - it something you have to work towards to achieve, and work to maintain.  just like in non-religious life   

I would not discount the community you're discerning with because the sister has a full-time counsellor job and is also pursuing a PhD. If her doctorate is in counselling and psychotherapy (and it probably is, if that's her profession) then it actually makes sense for her to have a full-time role, because psychotheraphy PhD programmes require you to have direct client contact and to be completing a certain number of hours per week in a clinical capacity. In my country (UK) trainee clinical and counselling psychologists are essentially full-time employees, even though they haven't yet got their doctorates. It's different from most other fields. So this sister is not necessarily working too hard. As a school counsellor she presumably gets a break when the children do.