Defending a Desire Not to Marry

[vee]

From my impression your health problems sound manageable because you are able to control them and live well at your home.  A community may see that and say yes we can choose differently in the products we use and it is not a problem to accommodate you.  They may not see it as troublesome just as something they hadnt considered or been aware of before and can easily adapt to.  I know of one community that accepted a Sister with athsema and they dont bring certain fresh flowers into the chapel because of that but they would rather have her in there than those flowers anyway. 

[:o)Katherine:o)]

Author, first of all, you are not an oddity!  

Continue to listen to the desires of your heart! You have received many graces for your vocation. Your description was beautiful!

In regards to your friend, I know that he means well. Sometimes it is difficult for to explain to others what we feel or what we know deep inside. I hope that the next time you talk to him that you will have the confidence to talk with him and that he will listen.

I completely understand the health issue. From reading your posts it has been a while since you have reached out to a community. It would be good to reach out to a vocation director. Even if you are not called to that community, it would help break the ice. Many communities are now extending the age to 30-35 so you still have time! Your brother has some great advice and I am so glad that he has been so supportive!

There is so much more that I could say but it would be several paragraphs! You continue to be in my prayers! I said a special prayer for you tonight during adoration!

[Gabriela]

Author, you may want to look at the Abbey of Regina Laudis. I don't know if you're into Benedictine spirituality, but I know they are very eco-conscious, and are largely self-sufficient. You might find them able or willing to accommodate you.

[sr.christinaosf]

Don't worry! You're not being nosy. I understand it is helpful to have clarification.

My standard health is quite good--I think I would get a good assessment by a regular MD. The problem comes up with a form of asthma that was caused by intense chemicals used in areas I was not able to avoid for a fairly substantial time period. This happened right after Hurricane Katrina (I live on the coast of MS and my home was pretty trashed by the flooding). Although it is undiagnosed, I believe my problem is something called RADS (Reactive Airway Disorder Syndrome). Basically, the chemicals caused a lot of inflammation to the lungs, etc. at the time, and that has been permanent so far. When I am exposed to various things (such as fabric softeners, perfumes, cleaning agents, etc.) the inflammation gets worse. I can handle exposure for a certain amount of time (a few hours at a time), but after that I need to get to a clean air place (my home) to recover. As you can imagine, pretty much any place aside from my home can be a challenge for me! Granted, I could probably do more medically, but the doctors I have been to so far just want to give me inhalers, which I haven't found to be very helpful. Plus, I don't know if a community would accept someone who needs an inhaler (they can be expensive).

Happily for me my occupations work with my health. I work as an organist / cantor for two local churches, I provide music for funerals and weddings, and I work from home (I am an artist and embroiderer, and I sell the items I make, which are mostly religious items, on Etsy).

My concern about community life is that there is no way I would be able to control the environment and it would be arrogant to assume people should change for me. For example, some people love scented candles (they just kill me!). Communities have to use the same soaps for all their washes, they have to use polish in the churches, and so on! I find it difficult to work up the courage to visit a community because I have no idea how I would feel in their environment (I would probably be stressed breathing-wise, based on my experience), and I would certainly need to stay overnight either with them or in a hotel because I am pretty far away from most communities.

I hope I don't seem like I'm complaining! I don't mean to! I am just wondering if this is one of those "contrary indications" that suggest that religious life isn't really possible. 

Thank you, Gabriela! You are absolutely right! Sometimes I feel like, "Well, it'll happen if it happens" but at other times I get sort of panicked and wonder if I should be doing something else.

I really appreciate all the replies here! It helps to know that I am not alone!

Thank you! I would say that I am "intermediate" in my interest. I have thought about it for several years now, and at first, before I really thought it through I contacted several communities because I was so excited about it being a possibility. I haven't actually become any closer to entering than I was years ago, but I do have a much more mature understanding of what religious life is! 

I do have people I can trust and who understand about my interest. And actually, my brother is a priest and he is very supportive. I'm grateful for that!

I wouldn't be totally discouraged!   

...It depends on communities.  We have a sister here who is sensitive to scents and such and we try to be conscientious about this for her. Also, sisters sometimes do their own laundry individually and can choose what sort of soap to use.  

When possible, we need to make accommodations for others.  

[Kateri89]

I love that this topic was posted because I have more courage to respond to it than I would have to post it myself.  To the OP, I am quite similar to yourself in that I have never had a boyfriend.  I'm 25 (getting close to 26) and I have literally only been on one date in my life.  The only reason that happened was that it was a blind date and I didn't have any good reason to say no to the person who set us up.  I've actually had a lot of anxiety about this recently because I worried that religious communities would be hesitant to consider me for entrance if I hadn't experienced that aspect of life.  I have definitely been attracted to guys but they were either unavailable or uninterested in me.  Besides all of that, as much as marriage and children sounds beautiful, I just don't think I would be happy in that state of life.  I couldn't devote as much time to prayer or volunteering as I can now.

One of my former coworkers used to constantly ask me if I was dating anyone and it was always so uncomfortable because we worked together for 3 years and my answer was always a resounding 'no'.  I'm sure my friends and family have talked about me and the fact that I never bring any guys around.  I don't doubt that I could meet a man that I'm genuinely interested in and have a relationship with him but so far it hasn't happened.  I also have tried online dating and have communicated with guys but never actually had a date with any of them.  But I can honestly say that my desire for religious life is not because I feel like nobody would ever want to date/marry me; I'm not making God a consolation prize.  I can't imagine anything in this world fulfilling me more than living completely for Him.  Nevertheless I definitely have insecurities about my lack of experience in the dating world because it seems like it's something that everybody should want and even though I'm okay with being single, most other people aren't.

Thanks for posting this!  It's nice to know I'm not alone

[sr.christinaosf]

Not to say that its not good to be well-rounded and have experiences....but I think of our sisters who came to our academy, were "candidates," postulants, novice and made vows...they never dated and yet became good sisters...

When I was looking into religious life, someone encouraged me to try dating as I hadn't done so before.

My feeling is/was...If you truly know who you want to marry (Jesus), why mess around and waste your time with dating?  Maybe I'm off, but that is how I felt.  

Fr. Dubay's book, ...And You Are Christ's might provide more insight into this.  I just finished reading it again and wrote a little review of it.  

[marigold]

I love that this topic was posted because I have more courage to respond to it than I would have to post it myself.  To the OP, I am quite similar to yourself in that I have never had a boyfriend.  I'm 25 (getting close to 26) and I have literally only been on one date in my life.  The only reason that happened was that it was a blind date and I didn't have any good reason to say no to the person who set us up.  I've actually had a lot of anxiety about this recently because I worried that religious communities would be hesitant to consider me for entrance if I hadn't experienced that aspect of life.  I have definitely been attracted to guys but they were either unavailable or uninterested in me.  Besides all of that, as much as marriage and children sounds beautiful, I just don't think I would be happy in that state of life.  I couldn't devote as much time to prayer or volunteering as I can now.

One of my former coworkers used to constantly ask me if I was dating anyone and it was always so uncomfortable because we worked together for 3 years and my answer was always a resounding 'no'.  I'm sure my friends and family have talked about me and the fact that I never bring any guys around.  I don't doubt that I could meet a man that I'm genuinely interested in and have a relationship with him but so far it hasn't happened.  I also have tried online dating and have communicated with guys but never actually had a date with any of them.  But I can honestly say that my desire for religious life is not because I feel like nobody would ever want to date/marry me; I'm not making God a consolation prize.  I can't imagine anything in this world fulfilling me more than living completely for Him.  Nevertheless I definitely have insecurities about my lack of experience in the dating world because it seems like it's something that everybody should want and even though I'm okay with being single, most other people aren't.

Thanks for posting this!  It's nice to know I'm not alone

Glad you felt you could share a bit!   I'm neither a religious community nor a guy, but I think you're great! There's nothing wrong with you at all that I've  picked up on. And I'm pleased that things are so simple for you; it's a valuable example to those of us (ahem) who linger on the sidelines and take longer to repent...

[MarysLittleFlower]

Not to say that its not good to be well-rounded and have experiences....but I think of our sisters who came to our academy, were "candidates," postulants, novice and made vows...they never dated and yet became good sisters...

When I was looking into religious life, someone encouraged me to try dating as I hadn't done so before.

My feeling is/was...If you truly know who you want to marry (Jesus), why mess around and waste your time with dating?  Maybe I'm off, but that is how I felt.  

Fr. Dubay's book, ...And You Are Christ's might provide more insight into this.  I just finished reading it again and wrote a little review of it.  

Its a great book! and thats exactly why I have chosen not to date too and to me it makes sense! 

I love that this topic was posted because I have more courage to respond to it than I would have to post it myself.  To the OP, I am quite similar to yourself in that I have never had a boyfriend.  I'm 25 (getting close to 26) and I have literally only been on one date in my life.  The only reason that happened was that it was a blind date and I didn't have any good reason to say no to the person who set us up.  I've actually had a lot of anxiety about this recently because I worried that religious communities would be hesitant to consider me for entrance if I hadn't experienced that aspect of life.  I have definitely been attracted to guys but they were either unavailable or uninterested in me.  Besides all of that, as much as marriage and children sounds beautiful, I just don't think I would be happy in that state of life.  I couldn't devote as much time to prayer or volunteering as I can now.

One of my former coworkers used to constantly ask me if I was dating anyone and it was always so uncomfortable because we worked together for 3 years and my answer was always a resounding 'no'.  I'm sure my friends and family have talked about me and the fact that I never bring any guys around.  I don't doubt that I could meet a man that I'm genuinely interested in and have a relationship with him but so far it hasn't happened.  I also have tried online dating and have communicated with guys but never actually had a date with any of them.  But I can honestly say that my desire for religious life is not because I feel like nobody would ever want to date/marry me; I'm not making God a consolation prize.  I can't imagine anything in this world fulfilling me more than living completely for Him.  Nevertheless I definitely have insecurities about my lack of experience in the dating world because it seems like it's something that everybody should want and even though I'm okay with being single, most other people aren't.

Thanks for posting this!  It's nice to know I'm not alone

I don't think theres anything wrong with that at all! I've also wondered this about myself then thought... i have a friend who married her first boyfriend and no one seemed to mind and they have a great relationship. So if we already know we want to love God in this exclusive way - why the need to date? I think today treatdating as a way to feel like you are worthy of love, instead to discern marriage. In the world its like that but sometimes it affectsChristians. There's nothing wrong with you and not only can others relate but so can various Saints  

Ah sorry for the typos - its my phone and now I can't edit  

Edited August 5, 2015 by MarysLittleFlower

[MarysLittleFlower]

I used to have feelings of being 'second rate' from not having a boyfriend but Jesus doesn't make us feel that way, so, who cares what people say 

I should also restate my previous unreadable sentence: 

I think its common today to treat dating as a way to feel like you are worthy of love, instead to discern marriage.

[Gabriela]

I think its common today to treat dating as a way to feel like you are worthy of love, instead to discern marriage.

Amen. Well said!

It's so sad that people need to have it proven to them that they are worthy of love.

Alas, I was one of those people...  

[AuthorOfMyLife]

Wow, I appreciate all these wonderful responses! I would like to reply to each one, but I think I would write a book, so I won't!

I have read "...And You Are Christ's" and I LOVED it. I should read it again!

I am glad to hear that no dating experience wouldn't be a red flag (so to speak) for a community! I guess one thing is that in the past I have felt a bit silly for thinking of myself as choosing not to date--when, actually, no one was asking, so it wasn't really a choice issue! However, on the other hand, I did choose to explore the possibility, I just did that online because I didn't really know any young Catholic men. I chose to talk with various men and try to get to know them better. One of the young men I talked with is now a good friend (who knows how I feel about marriage). So I suppose I'm not completely inexperienced!

And yes, absolutely, that idea that people wanting to date you means proving you are worth loving was a key to a certain amount of depression I used to feel about the subject. However, that's a really terrible reason to date! 

I think that we can actually defend marriage when we explain why we don't want to marry. I mean, describing the true purposes of marriage, and how important raising a holy family is, etc. and then explaining that we don't feel called to do these things (wonderful as they are) might actually help people understand what marriage really is and what it isn't.

[Gabriela]

I think that we can actually defend marriage when we explain why we don't want to marry. I mean, describing the true purposes of marriage, and how important raising a holy family is, etc. and then explaining that we don't feel called to do these things (wonderful as they are) might actually help people understand what marriage really is and what it isn't.

Absolutely. And a very positive, healthy way to view the situation, IMO.

[MarysLittleFlower]

That makes a lot of sense! I've been trying to think.what is a spiritual reason not to want to marry? If someone wants to love God completely and as they examine this, they seem to want to love Him exclusively is that a reason? For example husbands and wives are called to help bring each other closer to God. What if someone wants there to just be God, to love Him alone, so He takes the place of Spouse and becomes everything to the soul? 

[marigold]

That makes a lot of sense! I've been trying to think.what is a spiritual reason not to want to marry? If someone wants to love God completely and as they examine this, they seem to want to love Him exclusively is that a reason? For example husbands and wives are called to help bring each other closer to God. What if someone wants there to just be God, to love Him alone, so He takes the place of Spouse and becomes everything to the soul? 

You know the answer to this one

[MarysLittleFlower]

 Yea...

lol I'm second guessing everything I think

Edited August 7, 2015 by MarysLittleFlower