Defending a Desire Not to Marry

[AuthorOfMyLife]

 

Hello, all!

This is about marriage vs. religious life.

I have a friend (an older man, who is married and loves his wife dearly) who firmly believes I am destined to marry and, probably, run an orphanage (:) --he has a rather idealized vision of my life's purpose!)

The problem is, I don't feel called to marriage. However, his promptings have made me feel rather depressed about my marriage-related history because I have never dated. I have only corresponded with several good men by email and phone messages (through Catholic online dating services). I have never had a boyfriend or even met someone I would WANT as a boyfriend. By nature, I like to keep my distance, I'm shy of too much attention from men, I don't like to be touched, and I feel a lot more like a sister than a potential girlfriend with any young men I meet. Not to be coarse: I have just as many sins to work with as the next person, but temptations against chastity have never been an issue for me. I would happily go my whole life without any kind of sexual experience. To me, there are far more important things, and I am repelled by the world's obsession with this kind of experience. You can be happy and healthy without it. No, really, you can! :).

I LIKE men--there are plenty of men (for example, various actors, artists, etc.) who I find attractive, but, on the other hand, I don't feel a desire to form a close relationship with a man in real life. In the past, when I was more emotionally vulnerable, the subject of marriage made me miserable because I felt certain no one would want to marry me. My feelings were confirmed by many tactless comments from people who compared me with friends and my sisters and made me feel terribly lacking in appeal. It didn't help that my father obviously preferred one of my sisters to me, and it also didn't help that no one actually DID express any interest in me in real life (as opposed to the Catholic websites)--I have never been asked on a date, for example. Some people have said that my attitude has discouraged interest (I dress nicely, but not in the latest fashions and I don't wear makeup) and they also mention that I look a lot younger than I am (I'm twenty-seven, but I look like a teenager). 

That said, when I realized that it was possible to be a sister or nun in this day and age, I was shocked and overjoyed. What a relief! Maybe I didn't ever feel a connection with the men I corresponded with because I wasn't meant to marry! Or rather, maybe the man God wanted for me was His own Son! 

I am extremely grateful for the realization (offered to me by my brother, then a seminarian and now a priest) that religious life for women still existed. This realization gave me a feeling of belonging to another type of woman rather than just failing at being the woman I was supposed to be.

Unfortunately, I am afraid that religious life may not be possible for me due to long-term health issues (ten years and counting). I am almost 28 years old--I'm not so young anymore. Most people seem to make life decisions around this time, and I still don't know what to do. I can't visit communities because of my health, so I don't contact them.

In the past, when I thought about marriage, I thought about it in an emotionally-wounded or childish way, and the main delight of it would have been to have someone who would love me more than anyone else, who would protect me, make me feel beautiful, etc. (not a lot of understanding in this of the personal strength and self-sacrifice marriage requires!). I have a much better understanding of marriage now, and I don't think I am afraid of marriage or of the work involved in raising a family, etc. but I still don't feel called to it. On the other hand, I can't honestly tell my friend that I am pursuing religious life--because I'm not. I'm just discerning, discerning, discerning...

I would like to give my life to SOMETHING concrete, whether it is a religious community or a husband and children. I want to give my love to someone--and even though I'm not an emotional person, if I could choose to love, I would like to choose to love God alone. He deserves it! But I may have to do that outside of a form of religious life in a community.

Anyway, what do you all think? Am I an oddity? Thank you very much for reading this long message! I have tried to be very blunt and honest here, because I would like to know if anyone else has been in this situation.

 

[krissylou]

(1) This guy means well I'm sure but what does he know about your life?  Try not to let him get under your skin.  And figure out some polite way to tell him to put a sock in it.    (I don't know you, but for most people if you don't deliberately tell him at some point to knock it off, you'll probably explode someday and say harsher things than you'd really want to.  So be deliberate about it.)

(2) Not everybody is called to marriage and that's perfectly fine.  There are a ton of paths that do not involve marriage.

I'm not sure about what your health concerns are -- some congregations are more able to handle varieties of health situations than others.

You also may wish to explore consecrated virginity, secular institutes, diocesean hermits.  Most people know about nuns but there are other forms of consecrated life involving celibacy.  Or there can be private vows, which isn't technically consecration in the same way (though in my opinion there's something to be said for if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck ... I am very practical ...)

(3) Or maybe you may not sense a call to a particular vowed or consecrated form of life.  That's okay too, you don't have to.  Maybe you'll just stay single.  After all when Paul wrote 1 Corinthians 7:8-9, there weren't all these different categories of consecrated life yet.

(4) Or, MAYBE, God will surprise you at some point.  My best friend from college always said much like you do she just had no interest in marriage, it's fine for other people but just simply wasn't her path, not remotely.  Then she met her now-husband and changed her tune in a hurry.  Which is NOT to say the same thing will necessarily happen for you, not at all.  But stranger things have happened.

(5) Really, this guy has a good heart but seriously needs to bug off. 

[AuthorOfMyLife]

Thank you, krissylou! You are very kind, and aI appreciate your reply (and the fact you read all that!).

The reason why the health issues are so irritating is that they involve sensitivities to all kinds of chemicals, even the most benign scents in soaps, colognes, perfumes, carpets, paints, etc. It is sort of an all-encompassing problem, so that it's hard to live (or even stay for hours at a time) in places where I can't control the environment.

My friend (who is somewhat pressuring me) isn't too much of a problem! I only talk to him on the phone once in a while - he's a family friend who lives in another state. But I'll find a way to tell him (again) if I need to!

[puellapaschalis]

    (5) Really, this guy has a good heart but seriously needs to bug off. 

This. An older, married man telling you what you should do with your life? Alarm bells.

[vee]

. I can't visit communities because of my health, so I don't contact them.

I would at least send out a brief letter of intro to any communities you are interested in explaining your situation and see what they say.  They may be able to accommodate you, they may not but you wont know unless you ask.  You are also not too old.  Most Communities with an age limit have it at 32-35. 

[AuthorOfMyLife]

This. An older, married man telling you what you should do with your life? Alarm bells.

Ha! I understand, but seriously, he is in no way a threat to me (other than frustrating me from time to time). He really is a sweetheart. I think he wants everyone to be as happy as he is in his marriage, and he is very much into the mode of: "we need lots of God-fearing families and you would make a wonderful wife and mother!" He means it as a compliment. 

[MarysLittleFlower]

I can relate to you so much I'm in my late 20s too and I never had a boyfriend (though I don't have a good past like it sounds you do ) and I used to feel so wounded about that. I used to want marriage to feel loved. But then 6 years ago I began thinking of religious life and it was not from not having a boyfriend...

Over time I began opening up more to Jesus and I see Him as my Beloved. I am so happy not to have a boyfriend now not from any dislike of marriage (I tried to be really open to it and I think God gave me that grace) but because I want to give myself exclusively to.Jesus alone. At some point I just gave my heart and that's only deepened.

I don't know for sure if I'll be a religious or consecrated in the world but it doesn't matter overly much as long as I'm only His. I see many similarities from your post about your struggles with wanting to be loved and to love but not having had someone like that in your life.

I don't know if God is calling you to marriage or not but I think - its OK to discern not to have dated! Even a Mother Superior i spoke to told me that. Some people have good experiences courting a young man that later helps them. I don't have that but I don't feel I'm missing out cause I feel joy that Jesus would always be my only love. Also SDs typically say not to date if you're seriously discerning. I understand the desire to love ..

Could I make a suggestion? Even if God calls you to marriage someday, find your worth and love in Him first. Maybe you have already but I find I keep learning more and more! The learning never stops  But I don't believe we are ready for a relationship until we are secure in His love.. And if He calls you to consecrated life, then doing this would help to discover it.

What helped me was opening up to Him in mental prayer in Adoration and just meditating on.His love, and coming closer to Him as the Beloved of your soul. Maybe He would show you what would help you the most to discern for sure, Jesus loves you infinitely more than even the best man could and since He is God, when we love Him we can satisfy that desire to give ALL our heart. I don'think we can love a man so intensely. He can satisfy all that desire you described to be loved completely.

If we fall in love with Him, we would discover something that gives such security - that even not having a spouse doesn't matter and that becomes a joy, because He can be our Beloved. By the way, there are still ways to be consecrated with health issues... Like some orders may be open to that (others here would know more) but also being a consecrated person in the world or a consecrated virgin. There arepeople here who.are living that life and know more about it.

Anyways I don't think you have to debate your friend! He means well of course, just smile and say something neutral and keep discerning others don't need to know! God bless you!

Edited August 4, 2015 by MarysLittleFlower

[AuthorOfMyLife]

I would at least send out a brief letter of intro to any communities you are interested in explaining your situation and see what they say.  They may be able to accommodate you, they may not but you wont know unless you ask.  You are also not too old.  Most Communities with an age limit have it at 32-35. 

I know you're right about the age limit! That is comforting. I guess I psych myself out because I expect to have problems, and I'm afraid I'll never get healthier (or that if I do I'll have a list of things I have to do to STAY healthy).

[MarysLittleFlower]

One more thought about age, many communities have an age limit of 35 and some consider older. You still have time I am 29 and I still have loans to pay but I'm trying to trust God! I hope to do all I can and leave the rest to Him.. six years ago I wasn't even Catholic so a lot can happen in a few years. 

[AuthorOfMyLife]

I can relate to you so much I'm in my late 20s too and I never had a boyfriend (though I don't have a good past like it sounds you do ) and I used to feel so wounded about that. I used to want marriage to feel loved. But then 6 years ago I began thinking of religious life and it was not from not having a boyfriend...

Over time I began opening up more to Jesus and I see Him as my Beloved. I am so happy not to have a boyfriend now not from any dislike of marriage (I tried to be really open to it and I think God gave me that grace) but because I want to give myself exclusively to.Jesus alone. At some point I just gave my heart and that's only deepened.

Thank you so much! It really means a lot to me to hear I'm not alone in this situation.

As far as my past goes, I have been very, very blessed and I don't take a bit of credit for it--God pretty much kept me out of trouble by keeping me busy with other things! I'm sure a good spiritual director would say that if you don't have problems with one kind of temptation, you have problems with other kinds, and I have my fair share.

It is very encouraging to hear about how time helped you with your love for your Beloved. I would love to have that kind of relationship with God, and I agree with you that Adoration and meditation is very important. I am interested in consecrated virginity, although my priest brother isn't so sure about it (he thinks that it would be better to have a community!).

[sr.christinaosf]

Not trying to be nosy...by why does your health keep you from visiting?  Are you currently working a job?  Do you think your health would improve to the extent that you would be able to live community life in the future? Not trying to ask too many questions but just getting clarification on the situation...if we know better, it would be easier to make suggestions. God bless you.

[Gabriela]

This realization gave me a feeling of belonging to another type of woman rather than just failing at being the woman I was supposed to be.

Wow. How beautifully put!

You are certainly not alone, Author. I'm 35 and it's taken my whole life to be okay with where I am—single and not at all interested in marriage. Now what? Religious life? Third order? Some other form of consecrated life?

I agree with absolutely everything krissylou said: You don't have to "figure it out". I recently asked a theologian that I'm taking a class with whether the single life is a vocation. He said that it's not in the "big-V" sense of "Vocation", because there are no vows or formal commitment. But it certainly is in the "small-v" sense of "vocation", and in that sense, it's a very valuable vocation, because single people are the ONLY ones with the flexibility and free time to do whatever God calls them to do, at any moment. They're like his queens on the chess board of Earth: They can move ANYWHERE!  

I read your whole post and what I sense in it is an impatience and frustration to "know already". Relax. You don't have to know. You just have to live right now, with ears open wide to what God is saying right now. Trust me, if you're listening, and He wants you to make a move in another direction, He'll make Himself heard!

God bless you. I have been where you are, and I know it is hella-hard. I will pray for you!

Edited August 5, 2015 by Gabriela

[MarysLittleFlower]

That's a good point and I also wanted to.add that even if a person isn't sure where God will call them in the future, they can still offer themselves to Him just where they are. As for single vocations in the world there are many people who also live with  private vows - whether they'll stay there or move on to another form of consecrated life.  

[Spem in alium]

Author, the situation you describe actually sounds very similar to what I experienced before I entered the convent. I liked men, had several male friends, and found a few people I was interested in romantically, and some who were interested in me, but I never dated, or had much physical contact with men. You are right in that society has formed an obsession with relationships and sexuality, and as a teenager I found this quite oppressive, as people would assume there was something wrong with me because I wasn't dating anyone. And when I told people I was entering a convent, some did express concern that I was only doing so because I felt insecure or thought no one would ever love me. So I truly understand what you are saying.

People can suggest to you what they believe you should do with your life, but essentially the final decision is made between you and God. All that you do should ultimately be focused on following His will. Religious life is certainly not an escape. It is full of great challenges and hardships --- but also brings great joy. This is the same of any vocation lived with sincerity and authenticity of heart.

Regarding your health issue, this is likely something you will need to approach with particular communities.  

Have you done anything to deepen your consideration of religious life, or are you still at the beginning stage of interest? Is there anyone in your life you can speak to about this, like a priest or a spiritual director? They may also be able to give you an idea as to how you may be able to manage your health concerns.

I strongly suggest prayer, and discussing with someone you trust. I will pray for you, certainly. 

Edited August 5, 2015 by Spem in alium

[AuthorOfMyLife]

Not trying to be nosy...by why does your health keep you from visiting?  Are you currently working a job?  Do you think your health would improve to the extent that you would be able to live community life in the future? Not trying to ask too many questions but just getting clarification on the situation...if we know better, it would be easier to make suggestions. God bless you.

Don't worry! You're not being nosy. I understand it is helpful to have clarification.

My standard health is quite good--I think I would get a good assessment by a regular MD. The problem comes up with a form of asthma that was caused by intense chemicals used in areas I was not able to avoid for a fairly substantial time period. This happened right after Hurricane Katrina (I live on the coast of MS and my home was pretty trashed by the flooding). Although it is undiagnosed, I believe my problem is something called RADS (Reactive Airway Disorder Syndrome). Basically, the chemicals caused a lot of inflammation to the lungs, etc. at the time, and that has been permanent so far. When I am exposed to various things (such as fabric softeners, perfumes, cleaning agents, etc.) the inflammation gets worse. I can handle exposure for a certain amount of time (a few hours at a time), but after that I need to get to a clean air place (my home) to recover. As you can imagine, pretty much any place aside from my home can be a challenge for me! Granted, I could probably do more medically, but the doctors I have been to so far just want to give me inhalers, which I haven't found to be very helpful. Plus, I don't know if a community would accept someone who needs an inhaler (they can be expensive).

Happily for me my occupations work with my health. I work as an organist / cantor for two local churches, I provide music for funerals and weddings, and I work from home (I am an artist and embroiderer, and I sell the items I make, which are mostly religious items, on Etsy).

My concern about community life is that there is no way I would be able to control the environment and it would be arrogant to assume people should change for me. For example, some people love scented candles (they just kill me!). Communities have to use the same soaps for all their washes, they have to use polish in the churches, and so on! I find it difficult to work up the courage to visit a community because I have no idea how I would feel in their environment (I would probably be stressed breathing-wise, based on my experience), and I would certainly need to stay overnight either with them or in a hotel because I am pretty far away from most communities.

I hope I don't seem like I'm complaining! I don't mean to! I am just wondering if this is one of those "contrary indications" that suggest that religious life isn't really possible. 

 

I read your whole post and what I sense in it is an impatience and frustration to "know already". Relax. You don't have to know. You just have to live right now, with ears open wide to what God is saying right now. Trust me, if you're listening, and He wants you to make a move in another direction, He'll make Himself heard!

God bless you. I have been where you are, and I know it is hella-hard. I will pray for you!

Thank you, Gabriela! You are absolutely right! Sometimes I feel like, "Well, it'll happen if it happens" but at other times I get sort of panicked and wonder if I should be doing something else.

I really appreciate all the replies here! It helps to know that I am not alone!

Have you done anything to deepen your consideration of religious life, or are you still at the beginning stage of interest? Is there anyone in your life you can speak to about this, like a priest or a spiritual director? They may also be able to give you an idea as to how you may be able to manage your health concerns.

I strongly suggest prayer, and discussing with someone you trust. I will pray for you, certainly. 

Thank you! I would say that I am "intermediate" in my interest. I have thought about it for several years now, and at first, before I really thought it through I contacted several communities because I was so excited about it being a possibility. I haven't actually become any closer to entering than I was years ago, but I do have a much more mature understanding of what religious life is! 

I do have people I can trust and who understand about my interest. And actually, my brother is a priest and he is very supportive. I'm grateful for that!

Edited August 5, 2015 by AuthorOfMyLife
Edited to add: I apologize if this is TMI! Skip over it if you want to!