Attracted and repulsed

[Simeon]

I am having the unfortunately circumstance of feeling extremely attracted and called to a rule and way of life, but not to the communities that are "living it." For instance, if I was attracted to the Franciscan Rule, but friars weren't living the rule (Its not actually the Franciscan rule I'm referring to, I just don't want to hurt the name of a community). What does one do? On one hand, saints have reformed orders for centuries. On the other hand, is it healthy to enter a community that does not attract you? My inclination is to pursue the calling to the rule and live as perfectly as possible, but the people who do that get booted for "false piety" and not desiring to play bingo at recreation. In reality, I just want to live the rule. If the other brothers don't, I cannot make them but only encourage them by example. I see this beautiful rule, charism, and constitution, but it's being wasted for a life of comfort and laxity.

The honest truth is that it kills me to see the rules of the saints and inspirations of the Holy Spirit being left by the wayside for worldly things. So how do I go about this in addition to continual pray and reception of the sacraments? Do I visit with more rigorous communities with a less preferred rule without visiting the lax communities with the preferred rule? Or do I still visit the lax community?

[Gabriela]

Welcome to Phatmass, Simeon. I'm sorry your first post has been inspired by such difficult circumstances.

They are indeed difficult. My suggestion would be to speak with an SD, because it's difficult to know what's really going on in you and in the communities you refer to. For example, are you really called to be a reformer who suffers the cross of laxity until he reaches a position in which he can make change? Are you called to suffer laxity as a way to show exemplary holiness that will convert your brothers from their lax ways and towards a return to their original rule? Are you capable of that? (Most of us are not!)

Or are these communities not in fact as lax as you think? Perhaps they really are living their rule in a way that's so simple that you simply can't recognize the interior conformity to the rule that's hiding behind their "comfortable" living. I once visited a community of sisters whose life I found incredibly banal, but in hindsight, they were simply living a life of plain, simple, quiet love for one another—quite in conformity to their rule. I was the one who couldn't bear the simplicity of it all.

If you have only visited one community, or only visited communities with the rule you feel drawn to, I would suggest that you visit others with stricter rules. Perhaps you will feel a call there after all. And if not, definitely find an SD.

At all times, examine your own heart, as the negative judgments we make of communities may as often be due to their own failures as to our own.

[Egeria]

From the Sayings of the Desert Fathers:

"A hunter in the desert saw Abba Anthony enjoying himself with the brethren and he was shocked. Wanting to show him that it was necessary sometimes to meet the needs of the brethren, the old man said to him, "Put an arrow in your bow and shoot it." So he did. The old man then said, "Shoot another," and he did so. Then the old man said, 'Shoot yet again," and the hunter replied "If I bend my bow so much I will break it." Then the old man said to him, "It is the same with the work of God. If we stretch the brethren beyond measure they will soon break. Sometimes it is necessary to come down to meet their needs." When he heard these words the hunter was pierced by compunction and, greatly edified by the old man, he went away. As for the brethren, they went home strengthened."

Remember too, that for the Fathers of the desert humility is the only virtue that the demons cannot imitate.

Edited August 3, 2015 by Egeria
Add link for reference.

[julianneoflongbeach]

I'd say go to the communities and express your desire to live the rule with more severity than you've seen there. If they really are off the reservation they won't admit you. If they accept you, you may have a great opportunity to inspire others to kick it old school with you. But keep a wary eye that your comparable austerity doesn't lead you into pride, it murders vocations.

[Sr Mary Catharine OP]

First, get a good spiritual director.
Second, spend a LOT OF TIME in prayer before the Blessed Sacrament.
Third, frequently pray and mediate on Psalm 51, the Miserere
Fourth, ask for the grace of true humility, purity of heart and wisdom

Personally, I've found playing bingo at recreation a means of growing in patience, humility and joy!

[marigold]

I'd say go to the communities and express your desire to live the rule with more severity than you've seen there. If they really are off the reservation they won't admit you. If they accept you, you may have a great opportunity to inspire others to kick it old school with you. But keep a wary eye that your comparable austerity doesn't lead you into pride, it murders vocations.

I'm sorry, Julianne, but I downvoted this comment. An attitude of telling a community that you want them to be stricter is not only dangerous to your spiritual wellbeing, it's just plain rude.

Nobody is going to force anyone to join a community where they don't like the way of life or the members, but going anywhere with the intention of straightening things out, being a reformer, being an example to your elders, is going down a slippery slope with only one destination, and it's not heaven. We should fall down and kiss the floor every day that God has led us to his holy monastery and lets us live there even though we are such sinners that we can't even see our own sins, but instead look with judgment on those who have been there longer than us.

@‌Simeon I think the desire for strictness and authenticity can be a good one. I have a fair bit of it myself. But in trying to find the community that is living our ideal perfectly or adhering to a 'rule' without fail... we are going to be terribly disappointed. By all means, find a community that is healthy, where you fit in and can live the lifestyle - have you thought about that, whether you yourself can live the high standards you set for others? - but don't put your preferences on a pedestal.

Edited August 3, 2015 by marigold

[Simeon]

Thank you all for your edifying responses and praise God for your wisdom. I don't think this is false humility, but I don't want to change the lives of the brothers or their interpretation of the rule. I simply want to live out the rule personally as the founders intended. If my life edifies my brethren then all glory be to God for that and if it does not affect them then glory to God for allowing me to accept humility. I have no false conception nor desire of changing the community's life.

It would honestly probably be a greater cross to live the life that I am repulsed by, but God does not work through us resistantly doing what is not good. If we are predisposed to goodness in virtue then we are repulsed by absurdity and distortion of the good, right? Consequently, I do not think living a lax life is edifying nor humbling, but rather a stumbling block to the spiritual growth of a religious.

Although living the rule strictly in community may tempt the brothers to TAKE scandal from a "wannabe renegade," not living the rule strictly GIVES scandal to the laity who rightfully look to religious for examples of modesty and the virtues. One cannot prevent people from taking scandal for all the pharisees and scribes did in scripture was take scandal from Christ. One can, however, prevent himself from giving scandal as Christ always prevented.

In response to you all directly:

@Gabriela I am trying to see how they are actually living, but it seems so difficult when the letter of the rule says one thing and their lives say a different one.

@Egeria I agree with you and St. Teresa of Avila even modified penance to be less severe in her communities. The wisdom of the desert father and St. Teresa here is that they understood that if we break (not bend further) the body, spirit, or will then some component of that person will not be able to function fully. If a religious is too famished to work, he has endure an unjust penance (not unjust to him, but to God for relinquishing his ability to work). Or if he has humbly accepted everything given to the monastery, he and his brothers could become gluttons. I am not wanting to break myself but bend my bow as far a possible without breaking it, because the further the bow is pulled, the further the arrow flies.

@Julianne I agree with Marigold that say such thing to a community is not good nor useful. I think it is better to say something like, "I wish to live the rule in conformity to the cross as instructed by St. "Jane Doe" the holy foundress of this community" as opposed to "I want live like the originals, not like y'all."

@Marigold I agree with you completely, really. I am no saint and certainly no reformer. To live according to a rule set out by saints and doctors of the church is truly humbling and ought not ever be taken for granted. I also pray my preferences never climb to a pedestal and I don't wish to live the high standards I set for others. I do, however, desire to live the high standards Christ has set for others, for all. Our Lord set one standard in being perfect as the heavenly Father is perfect. I wish to conform to Him and Him alone. It will always, forever be solely by the grace of God that any person is able to conform himself to the Lord. My only desire for others is to do this in the vocation Christ has called them to.

I apologize if that seemed a little like a rant, but I hope it clarifies my intentions and the longing of my heart to you all and anyone who would grace me advice.

 

Edited August 3, 2015 by Simeon
Error in negating a verb

[Sister Marie]

Simeon, I assume there's more to this than playing bingo at recreation but if your feelings are based on small things like that I think you need to reexamine your own expectatoons.

Are you able to give examples of the laxity you perceive without identifying the community?  Please don't if you can't keep their anonymity.  One of the things many people do not understand about religious life is communal life.  Community is not just living with one another and following the same rule.  I truly believe that the individual sisters with whom I live are part of God's plan of salvation for me and that we are called together to holiness and union with God.  I don't view myself as being a solitary surrounded by other solitary people but as a member of a living body working out our salvation together with God's grace.  This means that sometimes, no matter how right I think I am (and objectively I may be right!), I have to accept the decisions made the community because I have given myself to God as a part of a community and I believe there is far more virtue in that than in insisting I am right and making myself an outsider to common practice.  

You aren't going to find a community that is exactly the same as it was when it was founded.  Even the most traditional communities will have changes because we aren't dead and in heaven yet... The world continues to change, we change and we adapt.  That's not a bad thing.  Part of community living is making decisions as the times and circumstances change through legitimate channels - chapters, implementation of church directives, even living in diocese where norms are different cause communities to adapt and change.  You have to understand that hundreds of years of experience living the life has gone into those changes and the members of community will have insights you cannot possibly have yet because you haven't lived the life.

I can can think of many examples but maybe if you could be a bit more specific but anonymous I would be able to provide some helpful ones especially about the way communities navigate, discuss, make changes, and adapt together to grow closer to God together.

[Feankie]

You said:   I am trying to see how they are actually living, but it seems so difficult when the letter of the rule says one thing and their lives say a different one.

Aren't we called to live the spirit of the law (rule) rather than the letter?

 

As a SD myself, just from reading your posts I would very strongly encourage you to get a good SD as soon as you can.  

[Luigi]

First of all, if you look at the history of religious life, you'll see that there's a recurring pattern of establishment-growth-decadence-reform in almost all of the long-standing orders.

The Benedictines went through the Cistercian reform, and then the Cistercians went through the La Trappe reform.  The Carmelites have gone through at least one major reform.  The Franciscans have split or reformed - depending on your perspective - any number of times, in both the male and female branches of the order.  The Dominicans have had held together quite well, but they've had their periods of decadence and reform.  So that seems to be just the nature of religious life - constant vigilance is required, and most of the monastic orders have developed a pretty productive triennial review process these days.

But secondly, there is enough diversity in religious life in this country that - it seems to me - you should be able to find a community that suits your standards. I'd give less loyalty to a particular rule and more weight to the life-as-lived in a particular community. Among Benedictines, some monasteries are quite "wealthy" - they run elite high schools or universities and they're supported by people of very high socio-economic status; some monasteries are much smaller and more contemplative in that they run retreat houses; one in New York tries to live pretty darned close to the original rule - they farm and raise livestock. But if none of the Benedictine monasteries suited you, you could look into the Cistercians, the Trappists, the Norbertines, the Carmelites, or the Brigittines. There have to be a total of about seventy monasteries of men in the US alone.  The active orders are, perhaps, less diverse in terms of how they live their rule, but there is still some variation. The Redemptorists, Marianists, Resurrectionists, Christian Brothers, Jesuits, Holy Cross, Viatorians, Alexian Brothers, Glenmary Home Missioners, the Society of the Divine Word, the Servants of the Paraclete - there are dozens to choose from.

Thirdly, you talk about the rule but you don't mention the charism or the apostolate of the order you have in mind. I realize that does complicate choices, but I think you should consider the charism & apostolate in making your decision. And perhaps you have - the rule may reflect the charism or specify the apostolate - but just haven't mentioned it.

 

[Simeon]

@Francis Clare: The 2nd Vatican counsel calls religious to live by the spirit of the founders definitely. But I simply meant that all I have access to is the letter in the rule and those letters in the rule are not followed, although from what I've studied of the founders the spirit is not being followed much either. As an example, St. Francis instructed his friars to never accept money, but material things directly (eg. accepting food instead of buying food with money). In this the spirit and letter seem to be the same in that St. Francis wanted his brothers to trust in Divine Providence completely. Perfectae Caritatis says, "With regard to religious poverty it is not enough to use goods in a way subject to the superior's will, but members must be poor both in fact and in spirit, their treasures being in heaven." So what I mean by the letter of the rule is the "fact" referred to here.

@Sister Marie: You're right in that a congregation is a community and not a collection of individualists, but John of the Cross lived the Carmelite charism to the max contrary to way almost every other other friar was living. Fr. Benedict Groeschel and others wanted to live the Capuchin charism more strongly and founded a new community that embraced the Capuchin poverty. An example that I consider off-putting are communities that have been traditionally devoted to poverty such as Franciscans and Carmelites that now have personal cars, Oakley reading glasses, iPhones, personal laptops, casual (non-habit) clothes worn outside of liturgy, frequent dinners out of community with benefactors, attending sporting events, and having unnecessary luxuries like Tempurpedic beds. These things seem not only unnecessary, but potentially damaging to communal mentality towards penance and mortification.

@Luigi: I feel called to a contemplative-active community that is mostly contemplative life that focuses their apostolic work on spiritual ministry such as . I feel called to a radical life of self abandonment through poverty that includes externals like sandals, two habits, bare bedroom, no cushioned furniture, and observances like these so that whatever the poor lack I want to lack as well.

[TheresaThoma]

My thoughts

1. Find an SD or at least a good spiritual friend that you can confide in. I just recently started spiritual direction and it is amazing how much just talking about my prayer experiences clarifies things for me. What at first appeared to be nothing or even bad  sometimes turns out to be a wonderful grace.

2. Be open to communities that are outside your specific desires. And don't judge a community until you have visited. Obviously you can't visit every single community you come across so you have to make some decisions about which communities to visit. If there is a community whose charism and apostolate you feel attracted to, even slightly, go visit. You may be surprised at how things that you thought would be big issues are not issues at all. For example the community I am seriously discerning with is definitely not the type of community that I thought I would be called to at the beginning of my discernment. After just one visit though I fell in love. A couple more visits confirmed my attraction and God Willing I will soon be asking to enter. When I was first discerning I had a mental list of things I wanted in a community. One of them was chanted Liturgy of the Hours and to me that meant with organ. It wasn't until my most recent visit that it hit me that the community does chant the Liturgy of the hours but they do not use an organ. I love the style of their liturgy so much that I didn't miss the organ at all! 

It sounds like you have done a lot of researching and reading. Which is great you have to start somewhere! However you can't truely discern until you go and visit. (The phrase, "don't knock it till you've tried it" comes to mind) I know of more than a few communities whose website does a decent job of capturing their life but it can't touch the depth. In visiting you find why specifically they live the way they do. What may seem to be laxity may in fact be necessity. 

[Gabriela]

I smell phish. I hope I'm wrong.

[Simeon]

I smell phish. I hope I'm wrong.

I'm sorry. I don't understand the reference?

[AccountDeleted]

I am having the unfortunately circumstance of feeling extremely attracted and called to a rule and way of life, but not to the communities that are "living it." For instance, if I was attracted to the Franciscan Rule, but friars weren't living the rule (Its not actually the Franciscan rule I'm referring to, I just don't want to hurt the name of a community). What does one do? On one hand, saints have reformed orders for centuries. On the other hand, is it healthy to enter a community that does not attract you? My inclination is to pursue the calling to the rule and live as perfectly as possible, but the people who do that get booted for "false piety" and not desiring to play bingo at recreation. In reality, I just want to live the rule. If the other brothers don't, I cannot make them but only encourage them by example. I see this beautiful rule, charism, and constitution, but it's being wasted for a life of comfort and laxity.

The honest truth is that it kills me to see the rules of the saints and inspirations of the Holy Spirit being left by the wayside for worldly things. So how do I go about this in addition to continual pray and reception of the sacraments? Do I visit with more rigorous communities with a less preferred rule without visiting the lax communities with the preferred rule? Or do I still visit the lax community?

I know this will sound harsh but have you actually read what you posted? It comes across as you being the only holy person in the world, and the reason you can't find a religious community is because none of them (in the whole world?) live the life the way it is meant to be lived. None of them are holy enough to understand how to live the Rule. None of them are like you - a saint.

Really? Do you really believe what you are posting about yourself? I would expect the stigmata at least, if you are that holy. 

Sorry to be rude, but I just can't believe what I'm reading. Time for a huge dose of castor oil and humility.