Part Update/Part Small Vent

[veritasluxmea]

When I first started discerning (I wonder how many threads on phatmass have started this way)... Anyways, when I first started discerning years ago, I was really drawn to the FSR. They only discern with people at/over age 21 due to insurance, and I was 17. We still had a good talk, wrote a few letters, and I was invited to contact them again in the future if I still felt called. 

Since they weren't an option I moved on, so to speak. Over the next few years I visited and learned about a few other communities. Carmelites, Dominicans, and Poor Clares, to be specific. About a year ago I found one community and really started to feel interested in them. I've meet a few times with their vocation directress and asked to discern further with them, and was invited to do so over this upcoming year. I am seriously considering applying with them, and I have good reason to believe they will let me apply. I know that nothing is for certain until you've actually been accepted (which is why I don't really talk about it), but just take my word it was going down that path. It was really going down that path. (My normal life also moved forward; I graduated community college, have been working for the past two years, and all that.) 

But lately, kind of since the last time I visited them a few months ago, I just haven't been having the "peace" about them that I would like to have. :/ There have been times where I felt more convinced this could work, I really was in awe/peace about their community, and I felt like I wanted to draw from their heritage/community/spirituality to live out my consecration, but admittedly many times when I've lived with them- and thought about them- I end up returning to the FSR. Just little things, like "hum I wonder what they're doing now... I wonder what kind of focus they would put on this... I wonder how they live out this out..." and so on. 

So the frustrating part: it is really hard for me to compare the two communities. Actually, I can't. I have never met anyone from the FSR and can only get a vague idea of their life from the materials I have. So whenever I start thinking about religious life... or discernment... or "what I should do"... it's frustrating.

I would like to give them a call again now that I can "legally" enter their community within a year. I would like to just explain where I am, what I've been doing since we last made contact, and how I have been discerning with that one community but am still drawn to theirs- is there anyway I could learn a bit more about them? I just don't know what to expect. Will they put me off another year or so? If so, should I wait to discern with them or go for the community that's "working"? 

And then there's this merry go round... I don't have a SD. I thought I would be staying in this area for a while so I almost got one with a priest I had met- but then I decided on last moment to move out of state to go to college part-time while I worked a job over there. So that didn't work out. I don't know if I'll finish at this college (about three years) or drop out to join a community. Something tells me the FSR would want me to finish (communities usually advise that), but the other community would be ok with me dropping out and transferring to their college (which is what I was planning on doing until I started thinking more seriously about the FSR). If I really was called to the FSR I would wait on them. It should be noted I can't really finish college without getting into debt. I can cover this year, going part-time, but after that, I'm probably going to have to pull on loans and the like if I really want to finish. If I needed to handle that, for my vocation and the community, I would, it's just something else on my mind. 

I'm hoping I can just visit or work with the FSR and get some clarity on the situation- either way. But what if it doesn't work? Ack. Well, if there's one thing I'm learning, it that "the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry"... sometimes the best you can do is live day to day. I'm learning to be at peace with that, and I kind of like where I'm going so far. But navigating spiritual discernment with a spiritual director is not fun! I'm ok so far, but it's not fun. 

Edited July 20, 2015 by veritasluxmea

[katherineH]

Hey there,

I don't think there'd be any harm at all in contacting the community (is FSR Franciscan Sisters of the Renewal?).  It sounds like you have some unrest about which community to join and just contacting them might give you some peace.  If they don't seem too enthusiastic to hear from you, maybe that's God closing the door.  If they are welcoming and would be open to visiting with you again, I would take that opportunity.  It's what I call the "discerning with bread crumbs" technique  Just follow the bread crumbs and see where you end up.  Also, take it one step at a time.  I know it's really hard to not project into the future.  My SD once told me to only look one step ahead.  She said that if I were on a date with a guy I wouldn't ask him if I we were marriage material, because at that point in the relationship, we aren't.  Same thing with religious life, don't ask yourself if you're ready to make final vows with your community, just ask if you're ready to make a visit or a phone call, and go from there.  I'll be praying for you!

[veritasluxmea]

But navigating spiritual discernment with a spiritual director is not fun!

Oops, this was supposed to read "without," not with. 

Hey there,

I don't think there'd be any harm at all in contacting the community (is FSR Franciscan Sisters of the Renewal?).  It sounds like you have some unrest about which community to join and just contacting them might give you some peace.  If they don't seem too enthusiastic to hear from you, maybe that's God closing the door.  If they are welcoming and would be open to visiting with you again, I would take that opportunity.  It's what I call the "discerning with bread crumbs" technique  Just follow the bread crumbs and see where you end up.  Also, take it one step at a time.  I know it's really hard to not project into the future.  My SD once told me to only look one step ahead.  She said that if I were on a date with a guy I wouldn't ask him if I we were marriage material, because at that point in the relationship, we aren't.  Same thing with religious life, don't ask yourself if you're ready to make final vows with your community, just ask if you're ready to make a visit or a phone call, and go from there.  I'll be praying for you!

Following the bread crumbs... I like that. It follows the line of "doing what needs to be done today and leaving the rest to God" line of thinking. Projecting into the future can be a big problem with me to, and I'm trying to be cautious and not rely on that to much. Projecting into the future leads to me relying to much on myself and leads to worry and depression, whereas "living in the moment" is more of an act of trust in God and makes me more free and relaxed, I've noticed. So I try to avoid it- but since I am feeling to attracted to the FSR, I feel uncomfortable taking a serious step (like asking for an application) with the other sisters. I plan to call them at the end of August. I won't know if that will work out/won't work out, if they'll want me to wait again or be ok with me visiting at some point- and if so, how that will affect my discernment with the other sisters until after the phone call. So I guess that's the next step.

I just kind of wish I could bring this to spiritual direction as there are spiritual discernment elements here I'd like to go over with someone more experienced than me- but I can work with what I have/know. I think the call is a right idea, then what I discuss with Sister should give me further information to make another step, like you said. Thank you for your prayers! They are really appreciated. I wouldn't be where I am today if people didn't pray for me. 

[vee]

When I first started discerning (I wonder how many threads on phatmass have started this way)... Anyways, when I first started discerning years ago, I was really drawn to the FSR. They only discern with people at/over age 21 due to insurance, and I was 17. We still had a good talk, wrote a few letters, and I was invited to contact them again in the future if I still felt called.

So the frustrating part: it is really hard for me to compare the two communities. Actually, I can't. I have never met anyone from the FSR and can only get a vague idea of their life from the materials I have. So whenever I start thinking about religious life... or discernment... or "what I should do"... it's frustrating.

I would like to give them a call again now that I can "legally" enter their community within a year. I would like to just explain where I am, what I've been doing since we last made contact, and how I have been discerning with that one community but am still drawn to theirs- is there anyway I could learn a bit more about them? I just don't know what to expect. Will they put me off another year or so? If so, should I wait to discern with them or go for the community that's "working"? 

I'm hoping I can just visit or work with the FSR and get some clarity on the situation- either way. But what if it doesn't work?

You really need to get in touch with them!  Today.  You obviously want to.  There is only one way to know if things will work that way or not...

[TheresaThoma]

Definitely get in touch with the FSR sooner rather than later. Maybe you are called there and maybe you aren't, the only way to know is to get in touch. It can be hard to find peace if you still have some "open doors" in your discernment.

[Gabriela]

This reminds me of a sister I interviewed who was thoroughly torn between two very similar communities. She loved them both. She felt drawn to them both. She couldn't make up her mind and it was eating her up.

She arranged for the second community to have a discernment retreat that was VERY similar to one she'd had with the first community, so she could compare them "on even ground". That's probably not often likely. But in the end, it wasn't even that that made her decision. What made her decision was a priest saying to her, "Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith." In that moment, everything resolved for her. (She entered the second community.  )

Here's what I suspect: Whether you're called to the FSR or not, you won't be at peace in the other community if you don't at least "settle the FSR issue". So settle it. Maybe you'll wind up there, maybe you won't. But if you don't, you at least won't spend the rest of your life wondering every time things get hard, "Was I called to the FSR?"

Edited July 20, 2015 by Gabriela

[OnlySunshine]

If it were me, I would seriously consider visiting the Franciscans that you mention (maybe I'm slightly biased because I love that community and wanted to join but God is not calling me to religious life).  If you were to enter the other community, you'd probably always wonder, "What if?"  I know someone who this happened to on the retreat that I went on with them in 2010.  She entered a Carmelite community in California and wasn't quite settled there.  She knew she loved them but the CFR Sisters always interested her.  She explained that she would never feel settled unless she spent time with this other community.  Fortunately, the community she was a candidate in was supportive and allowed her to visit for a discernment retreat (the candidacy period lasts 2 years before postulancy in the community).  She realized, while she was at the retreat, that God was indeed calling her to the Carmelite community and she returned to complete her formation.  She just recently made her first profession last year and looked so incredibly happy in the photographs so it looks like she made the right decision.  If you are feeling any doubt, definitely explore other options.

[SNJM]

You will always have "what-if's" if you enter a community. Before I entered, I was really unresolved about not having children. I worked as a nanny one summer, for a couple with lots of kids including an infant, and after that, I knew I could let that "dream" go. But I can guarantee you, there will be more. Whatever you can put at rest before entering, do. Contact them and at least that aching in your heart see what's going on. Most SD's (like me!) advise our clients to use  the Ignatian rule of not making decisions in chaos. It sounds like you are in a little bit of chaos. That being said, handle what you can, and be at peace with knowing that WHATEVER path you choose, "what if's" will pop up (even for married people). It's part of life. Contact them asap and see what happens. Good luck and God bless you.

Rose

[veritasluxmea]

Forgot to mention- FSR stands for Franciscan Sisters of the Renewal, in New York. I've also seen CFR stand for them but I usually think of the male branch when I read that, so I just used their community's initials. 

Definitely get in touch with the FSR sooner rather than later. Maybe you are called there and maybe you aren't, the only way to know is to get in touch. It can be hard to find peace if you still have some "open doors" in your discernment.

You really need to get in touch with them!  Today.  You obviously want to.  There is only one way to know if things will work that way or not...

I was going to wait until next month because that's when I have my birthday, and saying "I'm twenty now" sounds better than "I'll be twenty in a few weeks", but even writing that out it sounds like a silly reason  

Definitely get in touch with the FSR sooner rather than later. Maybe you are called there and maybe you aren't, the only way to know is to get in touch. It can be hard to find peace if you still have some "open doors" in your discernment.

If you were to enter the other community, you'd probably always wonder, "What if?"  I know someone who this happened to on the retreat that I went on with them in 2010.  She entered a Carmelite community in California and wasn't quite settled there.  She knew she loved them but the CFR Sisters always interested her.  She explained that she would never feel settled unless she spent time with this other community.  Fortunately, the community she was a candidate in was supportive and allowed her to visit for a discernment retreat (the candidacy period lasts 2 years before postulancy in the community).  She realized, while she was at the retreat, that God was indeed calling her to the Carmelite community and she returned to complete her formation.  She just recently made her first profession last year and looked so incredibly happy in the photographs so it looks like she made the right decision.  If you are feeling any doubt, definitely explore other options.

I think I know which Carmelite community you are referring to! I have spent time with a similar sounding Carmelite community in California. 

You will always have "what-if's" if you enter a community. Before I entered, I was really unresolved about not having children. I worked as a nanny one summer, for a couple with lots of kids including an infant, and after that, I knew I could let that "dream" go. But I can guarantee you, there will be more. Whatever you can put at rest before entering, do. Contact them and at least that aching in your heart see what's going on. Most SD's (like me!) advise our clients to use  the Ignatian rule of not making decisions in chaos. It sounds like you are in a little bit of chaos. That being said, handle what you can, and be at peace with knowing that WHATEVER path you choose, "what if's" will pop up (even for married people). It's part of life. Contact them asap and see what happens. Good luck and God bless you.

Rose

I am in a lot of chaos, and have been since I was 18. I moved out of my parent's in senior year in high school, moved back, my mom died, and for the past year I've been raising my younger siblings as my children. That's an area of caution for my discernment, I am very careful about how that affects me and the decisions I'm inclined to make. I am absolutely against rushing and I will take my good time and make sure I am emotionally healed and mature enough for religious life. I honestly didn't think I'd be this "far" in my discernment by this age- I thought I wouldn't be ready to take steps like this until 23 or 25. I was thinking I would stay with my family for two or three years, raise the kids through high school, and then move on. But things kept working out and this is where I ended up. Mainly my dad thought it was time to move out and start moving on with my life again. He said a year is long enough to be taking care of the family and it's time to move on. We talked about it and I agree with him, although the adjustment will be rough (for me at least! I love my kids). He is very supportive of my vocation and myself in general and I really trust his judgement and advice.  I'm moving to give my kids some space to adjust without me taking care of them, college is a good way to do it because I'll be available by phone anytime and physically over breaks. They learn how to function without me, but not cold-turkey. I am also very attached to "my" kids and this will help me adjust too. 

The discernment was happening before all this- I put it on hold for about a year as I had personal responsibilities with the kids and I wanted to give myself time. The community knew that and really agreed with the choices I was making. I trust their vocations process and we never had any issues (like me wanting to join sooner than prudent). We've just had really good rapport and understanding for the past year. If I decided to apply and join them for next entrance, it would have been about two years since my mom died, and I would have been living on my own and going to school for about a year. Based on my discussions with my spiritual director (I used to have one about a year ago before I moved back with my parents) and the vocations director, this will probably be a good time. Of course, one can't really know until they are going through the process- so far I'm just visiting regularly. It's only been recently that my interest in the CFR's have been coming back to me. 

Anyways, all the bolded is exactly what I was feeling- I still feel like the CFRs are an "open door", and one that I'm interested in. If I don't take this opportunity to check them out, I think it would be a mistake, I don't think I would feel very settled in another community, for some reason. I will contact them tomorrow and just touch base with them again. We have A LOT to catch up on, ha ha. I'll let you know how it goes. 

Also good news- I'm moving back to the diocese of my old spiritual director. We got along really well and he really helped me out the first year of discernment. I think I will contact him again this fall and see if we can do SD again, probably starting in September or October. I don't know if he can do that know or not, but we'll see. I certainly hope so! 

[OnlySunshine]

veritasluxmea, Your story reminds me of St. Gemma Galgani.  Perhaps she could be your discernment patron saint?  She helped raise her siblings, as well, after her mother died.  Her father passed away later.  She was a very holy woman and a lot of people believe she wanted to be a religious but I doubt this since she had many illnesses.  Regardless, she is a beautiful saint. 

http://www.mysticsofthechurch.com/2009/12/st-gemma-galgani-lover-of-jesus.html

Edited July 21, 2015 by MaterMisericordiae

[katherineH]

Do you know your diocesan vocations director? Usually this is a priest working with men discerning the priesthood, but it might not be a bad idea to call him up and explain the situation to get his perspective.  He may not be able to provide comprehensive spiritual direction but it could be a good starting point.  

[veritasluxmea]

Thank you for the suggestion MM! She sounds like a wonderful saint, I will look more into her. It can be tough on where to fit in when you're taking care of your siblings- you're not exactly in with the older mom crowd, but most kids your age don't have any perspective on what you're going through either. Thankfully this past year I had some really good coworkers and friends stick by me. Now that my dad is starting to take over the kid's care, I'm starting to move into the single college young adult life, but I'll always be very connected and close with my siblings after what we've been through.  

Do you know your diocesan vocations director? Usually this is a priest working with men discerning the priesthood, but it might not be a bad idea to call him up and explain the situation to get his perspective.  He may not be able to provide comprehensive spiritual direction but it could be a good starting point.  

Actually the diocese I'm currently in is really good- I've even met with the priest VD before for a religious education event. They have a sister from a good community working as the female VD in the office too. But since I'm leaving this diocese I think I will simply contact my old SD once I've settled in. 

I went to mass tonight and was able to pray more about the phone call tomorrow. I think I'm ready and I'm looking forward to it now. She might have some ideas for discernment opportunities later in the year, or even just recommend finishing college before contacting them. I don't know, but it will be good to hear from them and see where I'm at with them. They're a really lovely community. 

[vee]

Prayers for you and your family, and prayers as you touch base with the sisters tomorrow. 

[veritasluxmea]

I called! The vocation directress answered directly  I was expecting an answering machine! We had a short talk where I just introduced myself and we set up a time to speak further, she had an appointment so it was short. I'm filling out an interview form and we probably will talk in about a week or so. I'm going to be very open about where I'm at, but like MM said I think they're very good with discernment and have a focus on finding out where God wants someone to go, even if it's to marriage or another community. Which is what I want too! Yeesh, I'm getting all excited again like when I was 17. 

[vee]

yay!!!