When guys come along..

[Yaatee]

When I first said a definite yes to God to discern religious life and then when I found the community that I feel called to try my vocation in I went from rarely if ever being asked out on dates to being approached frequently by guys. Initially I couldn't understand it but now I think its simply because I was so much happier and comfortable in myself that I'd made my decision if that makes sense (btw, I'm still happy if a little stressed).

Joy is very attractive. Now, only you know your situation and whether you should consider going on a date with this guy. It would certainly be worth talking about this to your spiritual director. Could you get to know this guy outside of a dating scenario, go for coffee or a walk or Adoration? 

And you weren't "looking".  That anxious look. 

I agree with your suggestions.

[Strictlyinkblot]

No, I genuinely wasn't. Its one of life's ironies. 

[Yaatee]

MLF, you don't know how to find him anyway and have no contact info.  IF he asks you again, you might consider coffee--only.
You could find out more about him and tell him that you're a Catholic, a convert, and you're seriously thinking about becoming a nun.  This will probably scare him off, anyway.  That will carry you to August, when your SD gets back.

In the olden days, vocation directors encouraged the young 'uns to have an active social life, which then was quite innocuous--movies, parties. Group fun. Know what they are leaving behind.  I can't help but thinking that there is some truth in this recommendation, but not if someone doesn't want it.  But you must make sure of your own emotions and motivations.  This would be a good time to do this.   AND he may just be asking you for a very informal date, just to get to know you better also.   Most of these don't lead to anything.  You're not going to his apt, his beach house, away for the weekend or anything, after all.   It's Just Lunch, as they say, an actual name of a matching business.  It would be nice to know that, when/if you enter, you will know that you left opportunities behind.

[Yaatee]

I was suggesting that the guy might be a guardian angel testing your resolve, and every time he asks you, your resolve gets even stronger to the consecrated life.

dUSt, what a romantic you are!

 

[MarysLittleFlower]

I've had many parties and social events in my life I also have a very worldly past. Now it just wearies the soul if its too worldly. I still have a social life in the parish though but its different. But if I had a very quiet past I'm not sure I'd try to experience the world too much... I think it can lead a persons heart into some attachments .. I mean I'm familiar with directors actually saying not to date and to focus instead on prayer..? It makes more sense to me to retreat a bit from the world and give all of one's affections to Jesus, while still having friendships etc - which i do have I think personally even going for coffee would place me in danger of having feelings for the guy.. Not only is this very painful for a discerning person but it can really distract. Its not like I have no clue what I'm leaving, but also how necessary is it to know? Im confident it isnt something i would love more than my relationship with Jesus also i dont know if the guy is Catholic and if i was looking at marriage i would prefer someone with the same values and to base the relationship on Christ. . i dont know. I could be wrong but there are some thoughts  

Edited July 3, 2015 by MarysLittleFlower

[MarysLittleFlower]

I was suggesting that the guy might be a guardian angel testing your resolve, and every time he asks you, your resolve gets even stronger to the consecrated life.

haha I thought you meant his guardian angel directs him to me.. 

[Maggyie]

MLF, it seems clear you want a religious vocation very badly. While it's ok to have desires, and it's really a good thing - realize that this is not the critical thing. What would you do if you discovered you didn't have a vocation to religious life? Is such a prospect a bit scary to you because of the changes in your self-perception, identity and lifestyle it would involve? your reaction to him seems to have more fear in it than peace. 

[vee]

This thread reminds me of a little story that is probably no help at all but it does involves guys and discerning.

Im a revert so dated, working woman etc blah blah, then felt a call to religious life and was like huh what the heck.  My spiritual director told me to at least go meet some nuns so I did.  I had no clue what to expect, never met a nun before, let alone those weirdo cloistered kind   There I had an open heart and I met God and had some nice consolations that would prepare me for the desolations to come.  So here I am on the plane home from that wonderful holy, God filled time and the guy sitting next to me started hitting on me like crazy.  He was good looking but kinda off, for example he wasnt wearing shoes! he claimed he had glass in his foot or something O.o so appearance yes character no!!

   

 

[marigold]

I think your resolve is commendable, MLF. I do understand that you often have to be a bit 'blunt' to stay on the narrow path - it's not for nothing that Orthodox spiritual literature is filled with images of arenas and soldiers and fighting the good fight. In fact, in a lot of writings about monastics will say he or she was 'struggling' or 'labouring' in this or that monastery. 'The kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and the violent take it by force.' It is good to be resolved to follow the Lord, and part of that involves being able to be frank with yourself about what you are experiencing.

For myself, I knew I wanted to be a nun, then had a very good relationship, and eventually kept on the path of becoming a nun. God forbid my life ever be a blueprint for someone else's, but I'm just saying that for me it ended up being a brilliant experience in human love, which I think better equipped me for monastic life. God is merciful and wants us whatever we are doing.

[marigold]

I wanted to add: It might be beneficial (or might not, you tell me) to think about the fact that in the Orthodox Church, we consider monasticism much more in terms of a choice than a calling. 'I have chosen to dedicate myself to God in the monastic life', rather than 'I think and/or hope God has decided this for me and I have to try and figure it out.' I'm not denigrating the latter, but for me, certainly, it is a huge relief to think of it in terms of my choice. It makes it easier to stay dedicated! Some of our best saints went through terrible struggles to maintain their choice to be dedicated to God above all else. It's ok to struggle - it means good things are happening!

[MarysLittleFlower]

MLF, it seems clear you want a religious vocation very badly. While it's ok to have desires, and it's really a good thing - realize that this is not the critical thing. What would you do if you discovered you didn't have a vocation to religious life? Is such a prospect a bit scary to you because of the changes in your self-perception, identity and lifestyle it would involve? your reaction to him seems to have more fear in it than peace. 

i only have peace when I think or pray about religious life or belonging only to Christ... When I offered myself in this way it was with much joy. I read that a person can feel peaceful during prayer and fearful other times about situations and that's normal but you look at how you feel during prayer. . I think I should clarify though, to answer your question if I'm not called to religious life I would just make private vows or something else and live I'm the world. Religious life is not the main thing for me... Its belonging exclusively to Christ. The reason I felt disturbed after was because I thought, does this mean God doesn't want the self offering and promise that I made? See I have spent 6 or more years relating to God in this way. At this point and after committing myself to it so strongly, the idea of having to just turn it off is painful. I did read from Fr Thomas Dubay that someone who made such a decision and is seriously discerning would have to do a lot of violence to her heart to switch to looking at marriage... Because its like your heart is given. How do you take it back? That is impossible.. The only provision I ever made was God's Will. The reason I did all this was because I believed I was cooperating with graces during prayer. At times I had fear its only my will - fear because this decision is becoming firmer and firmer with each step I make. That was the fear I got yesterday... Fear that this was like a "sign" but it could also just be a way to be more dedicated to my choice! It could be taken either way... In the end I could not just throw out all that had happened to me spiritually that deepened my discernment. I hope I'm right. I'll speak to my SD later when I can about that because he knows what those things are that happened. He never expressed disapproval or disagreement of them... I'm a very fearful person. But I don't feel like that when I'm praying about all this or when I surrender the fear, there is much joy. Do you have any thoughts? I'm ok if its not religious life though that is what I like most. I just want to be able to love Jesus exclusively, but I don't care how or where. But above everything should be surrender to God's Will so that's what I'm trying to do. His Will is all that matters in our life. So if He called to me to marriage I would go. I just don't know how to take my heart back. I think if its His Will I would have peace and grace for that... So far though the only feelings for this guy were very natural and that's not enough for me. They didn't give joy and definitely not the spiritual pure joy of His grace or belonging to Him.. I don't know though. I could be very wrong. That's my risk.. All I could do now is pray for a change of heart if He wants this or to go deeper into my discernment if He wants this. It is all His Will  

[marigold]

Sounds good.

[MarysLittleFlower]

This thread reminds me of a little story that is probably no help at all but it does involves guys and discerning.

Im a revert so dated, working woman etc blah blah, then felt a call to religious life and was like huh what the heck.  My spiritual director told me to at least go meet some nuns so I did.  I had no clue what to expect, never met a nun before, let alone those weirdo cloistered kind   There I had an open heart and I met God and had some nice consolations that would prepare me for the desolations to come.  So here I am on the plane home from that wonderful holy, God filled time and the guy sitting next to me started hitting on me like crazy.  He was good looking but kinda off, for example he wasnt wearing shoes! he claimed he had glass in his foot or something O.o so appearance yes character no!!

   

 

haha :D that's so funny...  it always happens at a strange time! Actually the guy who asked me out, when he did this last year the first time, he did it the DAY of a renewal of my promise (of chastity). I wonder why. thats what got to me - i had literally just renewed my promise. Maybe thats what shook me up when he turned up again. Plus this is exactly what would please my fam and thats my "big fear" - hurting my parents. It all combined. But my reaction to first discerning was similar to yours  

[marigold]

MLF, could I ask you a completely selfish favour?

Do you think you could try breaking up your posts into smaller paragraphs? I enjoy reading your posts very much, but when it's a giant chunk of text, my eyes hurt and I find it hard to follow your train of thought. Something to think about... ?

[MarysLittleFlower]

I think your resolve is commendable, MLF. I do understand that you often have to be a bit 'blunt' to stay on the narrow path - it's not for nothing that Orthodox spiritual literature is filled with images of arenas and soldiers and fighting the good fight. In fact, in a lot of writings about monastics will say he or she was 'struggling' or 'labouring' in this or that monastery. 'The kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and the violent take it by force.' It is good to be resolved to follow the Lord, and part of that involves being able to be frank with yourself about what you are experiencing.

For myself, I knew I wanted to be a nun, then had a very good relationship, and eventually kept on the path of becoming a nun. God forbid my life ever be a blueprint for someone else's, but I'm just saying that for me it ended up being a brilliant experience in human love, which I think better equipped me for monastic life. God is merciful and wants us whatever we are doing.

I understand I could be wrong about many things and yes it is like a fight... Haha... Not without some times of rest though. (Or who would make it through). The reason I'm so stubborn here (though hopefully not to God's Will!

That goes above all, even above all my discernment and way of relating to God) - is because this attraction not per se to religious life but to loving Jesus alone (in world or not), is almost irresistible. I see that I'm free but its like a no to grace, to say no. I mean that's what it feels like. The fear that I could be wrong, is often there during trials.  

Edited July 3, 2015 by MarysLittleFlower