MarysLittleFlower Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 MLF, where are you in your discerning? It's bad now because you're in this searching phase, which is torture for your family. Once you enter, things will straighten out. Do you intend to move far away? Are you entering a cloister? If you're not discerning actively now, then I would not torture her as if you are. Just continue working or going to school or paying off debts or whatever you're doing, discern quietly --and enter. Things will work out. Parents make adjustments once they see that it's not so bad. Yaatee, in my discernment I'm basically looking at religious life or consecrated life in the world now, and I'm just planning now to start visiting communities. I visited one recently just to speak to Mother Superior. There's also a retreat I went to a few years ago with the Sisters of Life and my mom knew about that one. I have no idea though if I'm called to cloistered contemplative order, more active order, etc, - or anything about particulars... I've mostly been focusing on trying to figure out if it's marriage or not marriage. I don't have much certainty about anything beyond that I can't say where it would be either.. whatever God planned I guess! I'm not planning on talking about it now with my mom because I still have a lot of loans to pay off, I don't have savings to visit communities, etc. I'm just planning to now so I don't want to make it harder for her and just let God prepare her a bit, just pray for her.. especially as I myself don't know anything about the specifics at all. If I started considering actually joining a particular community I would need to speak to my family then. I don't know how my mom would react, I'm scared it would be even more difficult for her then because at least now there's some hope of me "maybe marrying", - but I also hope God would help prepare her for that time and give her graces God bless! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarysLittleFlower Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 REMEMBER: the name of the game is GUILT. But whether that is valid guilt or not, only you can say. I mean for myself I'm trying to find out what God's Will is... and just going with what I feel lead to in prayer. I think my intention is good but there's still this suffering. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marigold Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I mean for myself I'm trying to find out what God's Will is... and just going with what I feel lead to in prayer. I think my intention is good but there's still this suffering. I think I understand what you're getting at. Obviously I don't know you very well, or your mother at all, but what I've seen work in my own life is keeping lines of communication open, and not making any sudden moves. If you can keep her in on what you're discerning in a very gentle, 'passing comment now and again' kind of way, so much the better - it's something I haven't always been able to do and I wish I could have. I'm trying to do it these days. Softly softly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarysLittleFlower Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 I think I understand what you're getting at. Obviously I don't know you very well, or your mother at all, but what I've seen work in my own life is keeping lines of communication open, and not making any sudden moves. If you can keep her in on what you're discerning in a very gentle, 'passing comment now and again' kind of way, so much the better - it's something I haven't always been able to do and I wish I could have. I'm trying to do it these days. Softly softly Yes I don't want to shock her.. that's true I also don't want to do the opposite thing and constantly talk about it to the point that she gets really afraid and doesn't have time to process it. It's important to find a balance I guess... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yaatee Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Yaatee, in my discernment I'm basically looking at religious life or consecrated life in the world now, and I'm just planning now to start visiting communities. I visited one recently just to speak to Mother Superior. There's also a retreat I went to a few years ago with the Sisters of Life and my mom knew about that one. I have no idea though if I'm called to cloistered contemplative order, more active order, etc, - or anything about particulars... I've mostly been focusing on trying to figure out if it's marriage or not marriage. I don't have much certainty about anything beyond that I can't say where it would be either.. whatever God planned I guess! I'm not planning on talking about it now with my mom because I still have a lot of loans to pay off, I don't have savings to visit communities, etc. I'm just planning to now so I don't want to make it harder for her and just let God prepare her a bit, just pray for her.. especially as I myself don't know anything about the specifics at all. If I started considering actually joining a particular community I would need to speak to my family then. I don't know how my mom would react, I'm scared it would be even more difficult for her then because at least now there's some hope of me "maybe marrying", - but I also hope God would help prepare her for that time and give her graces God bless! MLF, I messaged you before I found this post. So you do have other impediments right now, mainly money, and having enough time to discern. I just suggest, as a mother, that you lay off a little at present in talking about it at home until your plans are more concrete, even with a time line. And there's a big difference between joining a cloister, perhaps far away, and an active order, not far away. So exposing her now is only going to aggravate the uncertainty, as you don't know either which sort of order you may enter. Once you know, you can prepare her, and your father. I'm glad that we agree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarysLittleFlower Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 (edited) MLF, I messaged you before I found this post. So you do have other impediments right now, mainly money, and having enough time to discern. I just suggest, as a mother, that you lay off a little at present in talking about it at home until your plans are more concrete, even with a time line. And there's a big difference between joining a cloister, perhaps far away, and an active order, not far away. So exposing her now is only going to aggravate the uncertainty, as you don't know either which sort of order you may enter. Once you know, you can prepare her, and your father. I'm glad that we agree. i actually don't talk at all about this to my mom... If a discussion comes up, she brings up the topic and I try not to respond much now because I'd rather wait till more calm. Maybe this clarification could help .. Edited June 30, 2015 by MarysLittleFlower Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabriela Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 This is why I said absolutely nothing to my parents when I was discerning. I was waiting until I had an entrance date to tell them, because the anticipation of what I'd decide would have been torture for them. And the guilt trips to try to get me to do what they wanted me to do... oh, Lord. No, thank you! I will say (again, for I think the bajillionth time, so I hope it doesn't seem like I'm "bragging" or something) that I interviewed 35 sisters for my Master's thesis about their experience of discernment. Quite a few said their parents were very upset, and some were "officially disowned". Not a single sister is still estranged from her parents. They all came around eventually, and are now very happy to have "many daughters" instead of one! They visit as often as they're allowed and have a wonderful visit every time they come. So my advice: Stop talking to her about it until you are 100% sure what's going to happen, and when it does happen, just give her time. She'll come around! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marigold Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 This is why I said absolutely nothing to my parents when I was discerning. I was waiting until I had an entrance date to tell them, because the anticipation of what I'd decide would have been torture for them. And the guilt trips to try to get me to do what they wanted me to do... oh, Lord. No, thank you! I will say (again, for I think the bajillionth time, so I hope it doesn't seem like I'm "bragging" or something) that I interviewed 35 sisters for my Master's thesis about their experience of discernment. Quite a few said their parents were very upset, and some were "officially disowned". Not a single sister is still estranged from her parents. They all came around eventually, and are now very happy to have "many daughters" instead of one! They visit as often as they're allowed and have a wonderful visit every time they come. So my advice: Stop talking to her about it until you are 100% sure what's going to happen, and when it does happen, just give her time. She'll come around! Are you still discerning, Gabriela? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarysLittleFlower Posted July 2, 2015 Author Share Posted July 2, 2015 This is why I said absolutely nothing to my parents when I was discerning. I was waiting until I had an entrance date to tell them, because the anticipation of what I'd decide would have been torture for them. And the guilt trips to try to get me to do what they wanted me to do... oh, Lord. No, thank you! I will say (again, for I think the bajillionth time, so I hope it doesn't seem like I'm "bragging" or something) that I interviewed 35 sisters for my Master's thesis about their experience of discernment. Quite a few said their parents were very upset, and some were "officially disowned". Not a single sister is still estranged from her parents. They all came around eventually, and are now very happy to have "many daughters" instead of one! They visit as often as they're allowed and have a wonderful visit every time they come. So my advice: Stop talking to her about it until you are 100% sure what's going to happen, and when it does happen, just give her time. She'll come around! thats very encouraging about the Sisters but to clarify, I have not told my mom and I don't talk to her about my discernment to not upset her more. She starts talking about me and marriage... And its not because I keep saying I don't want to marry but because she sees I have other interests and am not taking steps to marriage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NadaTeTurbe Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 thats very encouraging about the Sisters but to clarify, I have not told my mom and I don't talk to her about my discernment to not upset her more. She starts talking about me and marriage... And its not because I keep saying I don't want to marry but because she sees I have other interests and am not taking steps to marriage. Maybe we should ask yourself why your mom is so obsessed with marriage ? Does she have herself a bad marriage and want her daughter to have a good one, or this kind of things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarysLittleFlower Posted July 2, 2015 Author Share Posted July 2, 2015 Maybe we should ask yourself why your mom is so obsessed with marriage ? Does she have herself a bad marriage and want her daughter to have a good one, or this kind of things. I don't know but it seems she doesn't want me to be lonely... Its hard to explain that I wouldn't be lonely with Christ if I intentionally not marry for His sake, and how that is different from really wanting marriage while being single.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NadaTeTurbe Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Plus, unless you become an hermit, you will live in a community. You will never be "alone", and even when you will be old, there will be someone to take care of you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarysLittleFlower Posted July 2, 2015 Author Share Posted July 2, 2015 Plus, unless you become an hermit, you will live in a community. You will never be "alone", and even when you will be old, there will be someone to take care of you... That is true... I think there's also the worry though (not in me) that a woman won't feel fulfilled/happy/not alone without a family. I understand the desire for a family is ingrained in us, it's just that with Jesus I don't feel unloved, and for married people they should be secure in this too. We were made for God after all marriage has many good things about it but its main purpose is procreation, it is not there because its impossible to be happy with only God. He is enough.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarysLittleFlower Posted July 2, 2015 Author Share Posted July 2, 2015 Just to clarify... Because this objection can be raised... I get we are social creatures and naturally feel a need to be around others and in the context of a family, (so people living alone may get lonely and that's natural) but grace in a supernatural vocation can help to live without a family. I believe God can also help those who are in a situation where they can't be in a family for another reason. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabriela Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Are you still discerning, Gabriela? No comment. thats very encouraging about the Sisters but to clarify, I have not told my mom and I don't talk to her about my discernment to not upset her more. She starts talking about me and marriage... And its not because I keep saying I don't want to marry but because she sees I have other interests and am not taking steps to marriage. Oh, I see. I misunderstood. My apologies! In this case, I'd say just let her talk about marriage. I don't know how old you are, but if you're under 25, or even under 30, it's perfectly normal these days for you to be focusing on other things aside from marriage. If she brings up marriage, just tell her you haven't met anyone you'd like to marry and then talk about the things you are interested in! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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