a really bad situation...

[MarysLittleFlower]

Thanks so much everyone!  

[marigold]

My mum took it the hardest of everyone. It was really ugly for a time, and she still can't really talk openly with me about those things. But it's ok. I recognise a lot of what you've described, MLF  so you're not alone in having to go through this! Time, a little space, and being extra thoughtful and loving works wonders.

(My grandma, when I entered the monastery, wrote me a very blunt letter saying I'd broken her heart. Last week in an email she said she'd reconciled herself to the fact. So it only takes three years for the most hardened atheist )

Edited June 29, 2015 by marigold
editing!

[MarysLittleFlower]

My mum took it the hardest of everyone. It was really ugly for a time, and she still can't really talk openly with me about those things. But it's ok. I recognise a lot of what you've described, MLF  so you're not alone in having to go through this! Time, a little space, and being extra thoughtful and loving works wonders.

(My grandma, when I entered the monastery, wrote me a very blunt letter saying I'd broken her heart. Last week in an email she said she'd reconciled herself to the fact. So it only takes three years for the most hardened atheist )

Thanks Marigold wow now I know what its like more when people share such stories. Its hard.. I don't know if others felt guilt. I felt a lot of guilt last night. Jesus is extremely faithful though with His grace. My response to the trial was quite poor but His was not I'm glad your grandma had this change! I see what you mean about time, giving space and being loving. I generally try to just avoid the topic and focus on what we have in common... Sometimes stuff still happens. My mom actually doesn't for sure know I want to be a nun or that I decided so firmly not to marry. I thought its too early to tell it so directly because even what she thinks now is so hard to bear, and my active discernment of visiting communities is still in the planning stage. But she sees that I'm not taking steps to marriage, I think she knows or strongly guesses i don't wish to marry, and she was trying to convince me to marry as she sees me moving in another direction. Not only through lack of interest but my lifestyle choices that are a clear 'no' to seeking guys attention. She has expressed some guess before of me exploring religious life too. I can be a bit obvious with my interests... I realized eventually to be more discreet to give her some space to deal with it and not constantly have that wound re- opened. I understood yesterday she has basically seen that my plans aren't moving towards marriage. Its hard to explain the reasons to someone...

Edited June 29, 2015 by MarysLittleFlower

[MarysLittleFlower]

My mom asked me - my friends are making choices to marry, why am I not doing this and I think it worries her my time is taken up so much by spiritual activities.. Because it shows what I'm concentrating on. I am not certain how much she has understood that I don't plan to marry or if its a fear she has and she sees I'm not doing anything in that direction. But this is already so hard for her that I think it would be good to give her some time and space now. Confirming her fears even more may make it worse.. Especially as I didn't counter that by saying I wish to marry, but that I'm happy as I am. Poor mom I wish this was easier for her.. My reasons for not marrying would be a new concept to her too. 

[marigold]

Thanks Marigold wow now I know what its like more when people share such stories. Its hard.. I don't know if others felt guilt. I felt a lot of guilt last night. Jesus is extremely faithful though with His grace. My response to the trial was quite poor but His was not I'm glad your grandma had this change! I see what you mean about time, giving space and being loving. I generally try to just avoid the topic and focus on what we have in common... Sometimes stuff still happens. My mom actually doesn't for sure know I want to be a nun or that I decided so firmly not to marry. I thought its too early to tell it so directly because even what she thinks now is so hard to bear, and my active discernment of visiting communities is still in the planning stage. But she sees that I'm not taking steps to marriage, I think she knows or strongly guesses i don't wish to marry, and she was trying to convince me to marry as she sees me moving in another direction. Not only through lack of interest but my lifestyle choices that are a clear 'no' to seeking guys attention. She has expressed some guess before of me exploring religious life too. I can be a bit obvious with my interests... I realized eventually to be more discreet to give her some space to deal with it and not constantly have that wound re- opened. I understood yesterday she has basically seen that my plans aren't moving towards marriage. Its hard to explain the reasons to someone...

Been there - still am. It can be really awkward. Often when me and my mum Skype, I'll mention visiting a community, or something to do with one of my nun friends... I've also written her emails expressing myself more deeply, saying in as many words that although I've been in relationships and loved them, I still really want to be a nun, and so on. Kind of just making it all-around obvious what my interests are. And then just this last time, she came out with, 'So, are you seeing anyone?' And I was so confused that I just sort of went, 'No?' and she said, 'What a shame. I think that's a real shame,' and gave me that kind of  pitying look like she was embarrassed for me. We quickly changed the topic, but it's been in the back of my mind since. I was just so genuinely surprised that I kind of stammered out the answer, but I do wonder if she's going around thinking I can't talk about relationships without being flustered.

[MarysLittleFlower]

Been there - still am. It can be really awkward. Often when me and my mum Skype, I'll mention visiting a community, or something to do with one of my nun friends... I've also written her emails expressing myself more deeply, saying in as many words that although I've been in relationships and loved them, I still really want to be a nun, and so on. Kind of just making it all-around obvious what my interests are. And then just this last time, she came out with, 'So, are you seeing anyone?' And I was so confused that I just sort of went, 'No?' and she said, 'What a shame. I think that's a real shame,' and gave me that kind of  pitying look like she was embarrassed for me. We quickly changed the topic, but it's been in the back of my mind since. I was just so genuinely surprised that I kind of stammered out the answer, but I do wonder if she's going around thinking I can't talk about relationships without being flustered.

Its interesting how people process things differently... Maybe your mom was hoping that despite your interests you're still perhaps seeing someone. I guess people deal with these kinds of things uniquely... 

[MarysLittleFlower]

I kind of found out that my mom is dealing with other difficult things at this time too... So I think that might have been a trigger to make her upset. She actually phoned me today! Its something I didn't expect yesterday at all because of how hopeless things seemed yesterday. I think God definitely must have helped her in how she relates to me - I had so many prayers   its honestly like a miracle! She needs encouragement and prayers... But what a difference today is! God is very good... I was so surprised I can't say!

Edited June 29, 2015 by MarysLittleFlower

[Antigonos]

My mom asked me - my friends are making choices to marry, why am I not doing this and I think it worries her my time is taken up so much by spiritual activities.. Because it shows what I'm concentrating on. I am not certain how much she has understood that I don't plan to marry or if its a fear she has and she sees I'm not doing anything in that direction. But this is already so hard for her that I think it would be good to give her some time and space now. Confirming her fears even more may make it worse.. Especially as I didn't counter that by saying I wish to marry, but that I'm happy as I am. Poor mom I wish this was easier for her.. My reasons for not marrying would be a new concept to her too. 

Believe me, marrying just to get married is a terrible thing to do, and it nearly never works out.  Some people find their "destined mate" ("bashert " in Yiddish) at age 18; some never do.  But marrying the wrong person, as a sort of life task, because your parents are anxious for grandchildren is simply not on.

For one thing, you aren't a cow and whatever your function in life is, it's not about breeding.  Let's say, for the sake of argument, that next month you meet your perfect match, and marry him-- and then discover that the chances of having children are virtually zero.  Grandchildren are never guaranteed.  You could marry and then your husband is transferred to Singapore which makes the possibility of your parents seeing both you and their grandchildren more than once every few years very remote. You get the idea.

they may be right, and you aren't suited for religious life.  But you are an adult, and you'll never know until you try.  It would be different if you were 16.

[Antigonos]

I'm also afraid I'm pushing her away from the faith.

Sounds callous, but that is HER problem, not yours.

[AveMariaPurissima]

MarysLittleFlower, I just want to say that I can relate...  I spent a few months in a religious community, and my mom had a really hard time with it.  Nearly every time I talked to her on the phone she sounded like she had been crying.  It's been two years since I left, and she still seems tense/uncomfortable whenever nuns/religious life come up...not even connected to discernment on my part, just in general. 

[MarysLittleFlower]

Believe me, marrying just to get married is a terrible thing to do, and it nearly never works out.  Some people find their "destined mate" ("bashert " in Yiddish) at age 18; some never do.  But marrying the wrong person, as a sort of life task, because your parents are anxious for grandchildren is simply not on.

For one thing, you aren't a cow and whatever your function in life is, it's not about breeding.  Let's say, for the sake of argument, that next month you meet your perfect match, and marry him-- and then discover that the chances of having children are virtually zero.  Grandchildren are never guaranteed.  You could marry and then your husband is transferred to Singapore which makes the possibility of your parents seeing both you and their grandchildren more than once every few years very remote. You get the idea.

they may be right, and you aren't suited for religious life.  But you are an adult, and you'll never know until you try.  It would be different if you were 16.

I agree that marrying just for the sake of marrying doesn't help anyone, even vocations aside.. I believe in the vocation of marriage being linked to children (of course there are exceptions like if a couple finds out later they can't have children), but since not everyone is called to marriage, that is more for the human race than as the only way for me to be fulfilled as a human being. I find that I am very happy unmarried - but if I forced myself to marry, I don't think I'd be happy. And yes there are cases too where due to the job, etc, a couple needs to move far away from their relatives.

[MarysLittleFlower]

Sounds callous, but that is HER problem, not yours.

I understand what you are saying but this situation hasn't changed how I feel for her as my mom and seeing someone you love suffer like this, and maybe struggle with the religious concept of it, is very painful - whether I'm culpable or no... but it's true I can't make her change her mind, only God can and even He respects free will.

[MarysLittleFlower]

MarysLittleFlower, I just want to say that I can relate...  I spent a few months in a religious community, and my mom had a really hard time with it.  Nearly every time I talked to her on the phone she sounded like she had been crying.  It's been two years since I left, and she still seems tense/uncomfortable whenever nuns/religious life come up...not even connected to discernment on my part, just in general. 

it seems many moms struggle with this that must have been very hard for you as well. I'm not a mother and I love the concept of religious life so sometimes it's hard for me to understand their perspective. I mean there's the part of not seeing your daughter as much... but it's so beautiful to me to become consecrated to God that it's hard for me to imagine not being happy for a family member who has such a vocation. And yet many parents struggle with it even Catholic parents. I guess I have a hard time understanding her perspective too.

[Yaatee]

MLF, where are you in your discerning?  It's bad now because you're in this searching phase, which is torture for your family. Once you enter, things will straighten out.  Do you intend to move far away? Are you entering a cloister?  

If you're not discerning actively now, then I would not torture her as if you are.  Just continue working  or going to school or paying off debts or whatever you're doing, discern quietly --and enter.  Things will work out. Parents make adjustments once they see that it's not so bad.

[Antigonos]

I understand what you are saying but this situation hasn't changed how I feel for her as my mom and seeing someone you love suffer like this, and maybe struggle with the religious concept of it, is very painful - whether I'm culpable or no... but it's true I can't make her change her mind, only God can and even He respects free will.

REMEMBER:  the name of the game is GUILT.  But whether that is valid guilt or not, only you can say.