voiciblanche Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 I like that one, Rich. Letters to God from kids- Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in church they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. -Sincerely, Rachel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crusader1234 Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Acronyms: OFM - out for money SJ - soft job CSSp - cigarette smoking strictly prohibited OSB - (can't remember, but don't switch the letter's around!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
voiciblanche Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Church Bulletin Bloopers 1) Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help. 3) Remember in prayers many who are sick of our church and community. 4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 5) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Smith, the sin of Mr. and Mrs. Smith. 6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 9) This Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 11) Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper. 12) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. 14) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. 15) Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm in the church hall. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 17) Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 19) The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. 20) Will those in the habit of putting buttons instead of coins in the collection plate, please put in their own buttons and not buttons from the cushions on the pews. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crusader1234 Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 A nun enters a convent, and she is told that they have taken a vow of silence and are only allowed to speak 2 words every five yars. After the first 5 years, the nun goes to the superior says "Bed hard!, and it gets fixed. Five years later, she goes and says "Food bad!", and it gets fixed. After another 5 years, she goes and says, "I QUIT!" And the superior says "Well I'm not surprised, you've been here 15 years and you've done nothing but complain!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
voiciblanche Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Signs on Church Property "Trip to heaven. Details Inside!" "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins." "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!" "Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!" "People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are." "The Lord so loved the world that He did not send a committee." "Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!" "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again." "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---------> (U R) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crusader1234 Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Another Church Blooper: 1) Our annual bean dinner will be held this Sunday in the hall, music to follow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
voiciblanche Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 The Lord on Billboards That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. -The Lord I love you and you and you and you and... -The Lord We need to talk! -The Lord Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. -The Lord You think it's hot here? -The Lord Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. -The Lord Don't make me come down there. -The Lord What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand? -The Lord Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crusader1234 Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes... The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing... why, even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Grandma Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
voiciblanche Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 :rotfl: That was hysterical!! Catholic Vocabulary AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync. HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range. RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly since most of the people have already left. INCENSE: Holy Smoke! JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams. JONAH: The original "Jaws" story. KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower. PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats. RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot. RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand. TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aloysius Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 the story of IronMonk in Cartoon format: [img]http://www.envoymagazine.com/joe-catholic.gif[/img] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aloysius Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 I can proove Jesus was an Irishman: 1. He was 30 years old before he left home. 2. He had no visible source of income. 3. He had 12 drinking buddies. 4. His mother thought he was God. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
voiciblanche Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Little Leroy Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead." After his temper tantrum, his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus. Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bike. Your friend, Leroy Now Leroy figured that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat). So, he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try. Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year and want a new bicycle. Yours truly, Leroy Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again. Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a new bicycle? Leroy Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted, and he decided to crumple up the letter and throw it in the trash can as he went running outside. He wandered aimlessly about; depressed because of the way he treated his parents, really considering his actions. He finally found himself in a Catholic Church. Leroy went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden, he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home hid it under his bed and wrote this letter: Jesus, I've broken most of the Ten Commandments; shot spit wads in school, tore up my sister's Barbie doll and lots more. I'm desperate! I've got your mama and if you ever want to see her again give me a bike! You know who Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crusader_4 Posted June 15, 2004 Author Share Posted June 15, 2004 haaha that was a good one...one of our priests at our school used that one in his homily once. LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crusader1234 Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 No he didnt it was one of the Bombers on sports day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crusader_4 Posted June 15, 2004 Author Share Posted June 15, 2004 Yea he did u werent at the mass though it was given by Fr. B at one of the 8:00 masses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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