How Can I Help This Person In Need?

[AuthorOfMyLife]

Hello, all!

I apologize for the unspecific title of this topic--I didn't really know what to say!

My problem is this: a Romanian woman contacted me recently (we connected through my artwork) and, over the past few weeks, has been telling me about her financial problems. Many of these problems persist due to health issues (she has issues with diabetes, thyroid nodules, and her feet and back; her husband has health issues, etc.) and the fact that she is the only one working (her husband's health keeps him from working). She has borrowed money, has applied to the local priests, etc., and she is still in big trouble--at least according to what she tells me. She has two teenage children and she tells me they are struggling to pay for their education (although she tells me they are going to a good school). She told me in her most recent letter that they don't have anything in the refrigerator. She also recently told me that her salary has been stopped (she doesn't say why). She keeps saying she hates to ask for help, but I think she needs to swallow her fear of humiliation and think about her family.

Edited to add: in her email to me this morning she sounds terrible--she is having problems with panic attacks and is worn out from trying to deal with the financial situation. She says the email is a "cry for help." 

I feel terrible about this, but I don't know WHAT to do! I have sent her many, many links to Romanian charities, but she says they can't help her because they don't help individuals or she says they don't reply to her. She is asking me to get my community to help her, but I can't bring her case to my community (my parish). She could very easily be a scammer. I don't think she is a scammer (she has sent photos of herself and her children, she has a phone number, etc.), but I have no way of verifying any information she gives me. Plus, her English skills are poor, so I don't really fully understand her situation, and I don't know enough about Romanian medical and financial aid to be able to suggest other ways to help her.

Helping her out of my own finances is also out of the question, as much as I would like to do so. It isn't safe to send money to strangers like that and I have my own family to consider.

I am at my wits end. I think I'm going to have to tell her that I'm very sorry, but I can't do anything (except pray, of course, which I have been doing). 

Do you know of any Romanian / international charities that might help in this situation? 

I do feel like a terrible person for just wishing she would stop emailing me.

Thank you in advance for your advice.

 

 

 

 

Edited May 18, 2015 by AuthorOfMyLife

[Ice_nine]

she wants your community to help her? that request seems odd to me.

Sorry I have no practical suggestions.

[AuthorOfMyLife]

I think when she says "community" she means "parish"--she knows I am very closely associated with my church (I work there, etc.). 

[hotpink]

This may be someone who sees you as a meal ticket.  Unfortunately, you just need to be really clear.  You are truly sympathetic to her struggles but you cannot send money overseas.  Given her children are teenagers they should be aiding her in finding resources.

 

People in other countries see Americans as money.  They don't understand that it is also very expensive to live here in ways they cannot imagine.  For instance, I must wear khaki pantaloons in my office, they must fit exactly right.  This means that even if I go to "discount store" these pantaloons are at least $30 if not more.  I need several pairs because I often need to do field work or deal with dusty items.  If they get torn or stained they are not allowed.  Yes, I make good money, but I also need to buy pantaloons every other month (or so it seems).  I need other items besides clothing, too.  My car has to be kept to a certain standard should I need to transport a visitor to our department.  One of my co-workers has airborn nut allergies so I have to make sure that the foods I eat and snack on have none of that...and it can be a bit pricy.   When I worked in a convince store my overhead was very low.  They didn't care about my car, I had a tee shirt they gave me and I ate whatever.  So now my friends who make less money always see me as rich.  But it's just not true.  I thought when I made 40k my life would be so much easier.  Except it's really not. I have student loans.  I don't have roommates because I work a schedule that can be difficult for others to adjust to...and often work from home and need silence to make calls.  I just have to spend more of my money to retain my job.  I do have some perks...like owning a car thats 5years old and not 11 means I have a more reliable vehicle...but honestly I think I learned the hard way that's actually cheaper...atleast for now.

Anyway, end rant on the disparity of having more income...especally income that is drooled over.

[beatitude]

That sounds like a scam to me. A clear warning sign is a willingness to approach a stranger online while having all manner of excuses for why people in real life can't help. Even supposing she's genuine, the little you could send her on your own wouldn't make much of a difference to her situation. Explain to her that your parish can't support an individual unknown family, promise your prayers, and suggest that she gets in touch with her diocese in Romania - if her refrigerator is empty then I struggle to believe that every priest and religious in the diocese will refuse to help her fill it.

[AuthorOfMyLife]

Thank you, hotpink and beatitude! I really appreciate your responses.

I will write her back and tell her how sorry I am, but that I can't do anything more than I already have (which is mostly just to listen and offer sympathy). I will encourage her to get in touch with her local priests and religious. And I will keep praying for her!

[NadaTeTurbe]

Do you know if she is part of romanian minority ? sometimes, romanian charity will not help some minority... 

But, honestly, it sounds like a scammer. Tell her that there is many homeless in your parish, that you help them, but sadly, your parish can not afford to help someone overseas that they never see. Tell her that her diocese will help her. Don't be too naive... 

Hotpink : People in other countries see Americans as money.  They don't understand that it is also very expensive to live here in ways they cannot imagine.  

I see what you're saying. But I have worked with many american tourist. They are very nice, polite, and enthousiastic (exception of some redneck, but we have the same here), but even, they ALWAYS speak about their monney. Last say, I ask a man what he was doing "I am a doctor, my speciality is, and my salary is XXXX". The first day I heard an american tourist told me that, I told him : "it's rude to say that ! I don't need to know !". The second day, I understood it was just cultural. There is an emphasis on monney on american tourist. "How much is worth this painting ? this house ?" "this is my car/watch/dress, it's nice and cost XX dollars". Plus, american tip a lot, because that's what you do in North America, but here (at least in Spain and France), you don't tip at all, unless you're very happy. (I enjoy the tip ). And my american friends are more generous - they give so easily monney to charity, or make gift, it's wow ! So, it really give the impression that american are full of monney and that they give easily, so that's way american are often more asked than other nationality. 

[AuthorOfMyLife]

I don't think she's part of a Romanian minority--at least, she hasn't said anything about that.

I do appreciate your perspective on how Americans are perceived in other countries. I guess I'm kind of unAmerican since I don't like to talk about money! I consider it rude, too. 

I will do what you suggest and tell her to apply to her own diocese for help. I really hope she will get the help she needs!

 

 

[veritasluxmea]

 

I see what you're saying. But I have worked with many american tourist. They are very nice, polite, and enthousiastic (exception of some redneck, but we have the same here), but even, they ALWAYS speak about their monney. Last say, I ask a man what he was doing "I am a doctor, my speciality is, and my salary is XXXX". The first day I heard an american tourist told me that, I told him : "it's rude to say that ! I don't need to know !". The second day, I understood it was just cultural. There is an emphasis on monney on american tourist. "How much is worth this painting ? this house ?" "this is my car/watch/dress, it's nice and cost XX dollars". Plus, american tip a lot, because that's what you do in North America, but here (at least in Spain and France), you don't tip at all, unless you're very happy. (I enjoy the tip ). And my american friends are more generous - they give so easily monney to charity, or make gift, it's wow ! So, it really give the impression that american are full of monney and that they give easily, so that's way american are often more asked than other nationality. 

​I was born in raised in the United States and I was taught NEVER to discuss money or finances with other people! I would never ask about cost or discuss how much things cost with people, especially people I don't know. That seems so crass. Yes, I would tip and be generous with my money, but I would never talk about it. Ew. 

However, I have a Greek friend who moved to America about a year ago. On the first day I met her, we were discussing our jobs, and one of the first things she asked me was how much money I made! I wan't offended but I had to nicely explain to her that it's not polite to talk about money and your salary with people in America, so she probably wouldn't want to ask anyone else that. 

[NadaTeTurbe]

Well, maye that's not an american things ? Maybe it depends where in the country, etc... ? Or the religion (maybe it's a cliché, but (some) protestant really loves monney...). 
I mean, they never say this in an "look at me, how much I'm earning", just a matter of fact. 
Conclusion : don't speak about (your) monney. 

 

(and continue to tip, please  We all really enjoyt it !) 

[veritasluxmea]

Well, maye that's not an american things ? Maybe it depends where in the country, etc... ? Or the religion (maybe it's a cliché, but (some) protestant really loves monney...). 
I mean, they never say this in an "look at me, how much I'm earning", just a matter of fact. 
Conclusion : don't speak about (your) monney. 

 

(and continue to tip, please  We all really enjoyt it !) 

​well, I wouldn't know. Just makes me feel very uncomfortable! And I agree with the tipping- part of my salary is from tips too 

[Ice_nine]

double post

 

Edited May 19, 2015 by Ice_nine

[Ice_nine]

yeah I thought talking about your salary was not proper as well. You're looked at as kind of a jerk if you drop your bank account balance into the conversation. Unless you're talking about how dangerously close to zero that number is, which tends to be my case.

 

Edited May 19, 2015 by Ice_nine

[hotpink]

Well, maye that's not an american things ? Maybe it depends where in the country, etc... ? Or the religion (maybe it's a cliché, but (some) protestant really loves monney...). 
I mean, they never say this in an "look at me, how much I'm earning", just a matter of fact. 
Conclusion : don't speak about (your) monney. 

 

(and continue to tip, please  We all really enjoyt it !) 

​Religion that loves money?

Ohhhh yeah, thats some protestants like baptists and evangelicals.  They have things called The Gospel of Prosperity.  Basically more money=more loved by God.  Yeah.

Do you know if she is part of romanian minority ? sometimes, romanian charity will not help some minority... 

But, honestly, it sounds like a scammer. Tell her that there is many homeless in your parish, that you help them, but sadly, your parish can not afford to help someone overseas that they never see. Tell her that her diocese will help her. Don't be too naive... 

Hotpink : People in other countries see Americans as money.  They don't understand that it is also very expensive to live here in ways they cannot imagine.  

I see what you're saying. But I have worked with many american tourist. They are very nice, polite, and enthousiastic (exception of some redneck, but we have the same here), but even, they ALWAYS speak about their monney. Last say, I ask a man what he was doing "I am a doctor, my speciality is, and my salary is XXXX". The first day I heard an american tourist told me that, I told him : "it's rude to say that ! I don't need to know !". The second day, I understood it was just cultural. There is an emphasis on monney on american tourist. "How much is worth this painting ? this house ?" "this is my car/watch/dress, it's nice and cost XX dollars". Plus, american tip a lot, because that's what you do in North America, but here (at least in Spain and France), you don't tip at all, unless you're very happy. (I enjoy the tip ). And my american friends are more generous - they give so easily monney to charity, or make gift, it's wow ! So, it really give the impression that american are full of monney and that they give easily, so that's way american are often more asked than other nationality. 

​I think it's also because of the way Americans travel.  Americans who travel have money.  Americans who go abroad often do so for "culture" rather than studies.  Most tourist will spend a week to a month in another country...or even less.  Students stay for their semester.

Alot of Asians come here.  Their money is tighter because they come for 2-6 months.  They travel all over.  International students also seem more serious.  They also (atleast at my school) will study abroad for a year, not a 4 month semester.

 

[PhuturePriest]

Well, maye that's not an american things ? Maybe it depends where in the country, etc... ? Or the religion (maybe it's a cliché, but (some) protestant really loves monney...). 
I mean, they never say this in an "look at me, how much I'm earning", just a matter of fact. 
Conclusion : don't speak about (your) monney. 

 

(and continue to tip, please  We all really enjoyt it !) 

​Keep in mind that the Americans vacationing in France are unusually wealthy people. My family is middle class (the biggest financial class in America), and we've never so much as contemplated ever realistically going to Europe because it would be well out of our means to do so. What I'm getting at is that upper class Americans are more likely to care about wealth and money, and are not by any means what most Americans are like. They freely talk about their salary and ask people what they do because status and wealth is what's most important to them, and they judge people's worth by what they do and how much they make. 

At least, generally speaking. I'm sure some wealthy people are just nice and talkative.