Choosing a Martial Art

[beatitude]

I was sexually harassed a couple of nights ago by the friend of a friend, someone she had recommended to me as a really lovely knowledgeable guy who might have valuable contacts for my doctoral research. I'd never met him before but as my friend spoke so highly of him and has been friends with him for years I saw no reason not to trust him. He drove me to a place I'd never visited before, ostensibly to introduce me to potential research participants. The harassment started subtly on the way there and really built up over the car ride home. It also became apparent in the meeting with his contacts that he didn't really want to help me with my research and was more interested in what he could get out of me (he was trying to get his contacts to leave us when I'd barely spoken two words to them, for example). I don't want to go into details but on the way home it got scary and there was a point where I felt physically threatened. I had to do some quick thinking in order to escape. I pointed out a big apartment block and pretended that I lived in it, and that all my neighbours were waiting for me to arrive home. Then I staged a phone call ("You're waiting for me? You can see the van from the window? Great!") that made him stop aggressively telling me we were going to his house now and caused him to switch to, "When are you coming to swim with me? I'll pick you up tomorrow." Good luck with that, Mr Sleazebag, my house is about half an hour away from those apartments.

The upshot is that I've decided to learn a martial art, to help me feel more confident and better prepared should I ever end up in such a situation again. I don't know which to pick. I'm tall for a woman but have a slender bone structure and my BMI is at the very low end of the 'normal' range, so I doubt I'd be much good at grappling like they do in judo. My coordination and balance aren't brilliant, which I think rules out karate (I tried it as a child and didn't get very far). Does anyone knowledgeable have suggestions? Right now I'm looking into ju-jitsu.

[franciscanheart]

I was sexually harassed a couple of nights ago by the friend of a friend, someone she had recommended to me as a really lovely knowledgeable guy who might have valuable contacts for my doctoral research. I'd never met him before but as my friend spoke so highly of him and has been friends with him for years I saw no reason not to trust him. He drove me to a place I'd never visited before, ostensibly to introduce me to potential research participants. The harassment started subtly on the way there and really built up over the car ride home. It also became apparent in the meeting with his contacts that he didn't really want to help me with my research and was more interested in what he could get out of me (he was trying to get his contacts to leave us when I'd barely spoken two words to them, for example). I don't want to go into details but on the way home it got scary and there was a point where I felt physically threatened. I had to do some quick thinking in order to escape. I pointed out a big apartment block and pretended that I lived in it, and that all my neighbours were waiting for me to arrive home. Then I staged a phone call ("You're waiting for me? You can see the van from the window? Great!") that made him stop aggressively telling me we were going to his house now and caused him to switch to, "When are you coming to swim with me? I'll pick you up tomorrow." Good luck with that, Mr Sleazebag, my house is about half an hour away from those apartments.

The upshot is that I've decided to learn a martial art, to help me feel more confident and better prepared should I ever end up in such a situation again. I don't know which to pick. I'm tall for a woman but have a slender bone structure and my BMI is at the very low end of the 'normal' range, so I doubt I'd be much good at grappling like they do in judo. My coordination and balance aren't brilliant, which I think rules out karate (I tried it as a child and didn't get very far). Does anyone knowledgeable have suggestions? Right now I'm looking into ju-jitsu.

​I'm so sorry that happened. As for which to choose, I wouldn't rule out karate. My brother isn't particularly well coordinated (or wasn't) and he's a second degree black belt now. I'm afraid I'm not much help beyond that.

I think the Maine sisters took some kind of martial arts -- or at least one of them did. Perhaps Nihil will know and can ask them for you.

[beatitude]

In my case it's not just poorer than average coordination, I have neuro disabilities that make it unusually bad, especially on the left side of my body. I tried karate and couldn't get past yellow belt no matter how much effort I put in, as there was too much standing about on one leg. Right leg, OK, just about manageable, but left? Not happening.  Jiu-jitsu looks like it might be more manageable from what I've been reading. I will visit my local club to chat about it, but I'm open to other suggestions too.

[Anomaly]

Two things: 

I don't think you need to lean a complete martial art, but you can learn specific defensive skills.  Google women's defense training in your local area.  Various organization will teach specific moves that are effective, given unequal physical abilities.  There are times to scream, punch the throat, gouge an eye, or just run.  They will teach that.  It's not about skill, it's knowing what to do and when. 

 

The second thing is to let your mutual friend know what an butt-portal this guy is.  Creeps prey on nice people that won't "out" him to others.  Let it be known that he creeped you out and don't be shy letting him know you don't trust him and have let others know.  Don't confront, it's your opinion and it's not an argument.  

I apologize one the behalf of decent men for his behavior.  We don't like his kind either.  

[beatitude]

Anomaly, I will look into women's self-defence. I did find some sessions but they were one-off lessons and I thought I might need something more regular.

I've already told our mutual friend, and with my permission she has alerted other women who work with him. We felt that they have a right to know what he can be like. She's much older than me, so this may explain why he's never harassed her - he won't harass someone who is old enough to be his mother.

I tremble when I think what a narrow escape I had. It was after nightfall and he took me to this little hut in the middle of his farm, telling me that the meeting would take place here as it was within walking distance for the people who were coming. There were two elderly relatives of his in the hut when we arrived, having coffee. They'd been working in the orchards all day. From a few things he said to them I realised that he hadn't expected to find them there. He had taken me to this place in the expectation that it would be empty, and on the way he had said to me, "We can sleep there tonight if it's late after we finish." I was expecting a house. This was when I began to get creeped out, when I realised he'd been suggesting that I sleep in the same small room as him. The presence of those elderly men probably saved me, as they cheerfully announced that they were staying in the hut themselves that night. After the meeting, when we were driving back to my house, he started bombarding me with invitations to go to a restaurant with him and to go swimming with him. It culminated with a barrage of increasingly personal questions, including, "Are you married? Do you have a boyfriend? Are you a virgin?" I was so stunned I didn't answer the last question, because I couldn't believe anyone would ask that of me. Then he leaned closer to me and repeated the question. At this point I was petrified, got out my phone, and made the fake call. I was supposed to meet him the following day to go and be introduced to other prospective participants for my study, but I messaged him on Facebook and told him firmly that I wasn't feeling well and I would rearrange with these people in my own time. I saw that he had received the message. Within three minutes he'd blocked me. I am going to make sure every female in his life knows what he's like...including his wife. Ugh.

[Anomaly]

It's a tough balance between antagonizing him and outing his predatory behavior to prevent him finding more victims.  Be thoughtful!     

Most men will be disgusted as well.  Don't be surprised if his wife denies or reacts badly.   His behavior was stunningly brazen and it makes me wonder how a wife could be unaware.  I'm glad you escaped a potentially horrendous encounter.  Great scheme to get away from him. 

[Nihil Obstat]

Do you have the option to conceal a handgun and/or pepper spray? Taking some defensive handgun courses might be worthwhile if you are able to carry a small pistol day to day. But there are many reasons that it might not be feasible to do so.

It sounds to me that you do not want to study martial arts per se, but rather self-defense, like Anomaly said. His advice is good.

Based on my personal knowledge of martial arts, I would suggest that either Japanese jujutsu, or Brazilian jiujitsu might be ideal for you. Krav Maga possibly, but only if you could find a reputable school that fits your requirements.

It often turns out that the school is more important than the style. In the martial arts world there are a lot of charlatans and just straight up incompetents. Ask lots of questions, sit in on classes, and never sign long term contracts.

Ultimately, the single most important self-defense skill you could possibly learn is how to avoid dangerous situations, closely followed by getting out of those situations without having to fight. Fighting is dangerous and there are a million ways it can go wrong. So given that, what you did was basically perfect, and you should be proud of yourself for how you handled it.

If you are interested in this stuff, I highly recommend this website: http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/

It basically sticks to the philosophy that the best self-defense is to avoid or get out of dangerous situations. The guy really knows what he is talking about, and he tears down a lot of misconceptions and urban legends.

[Nihil Obstat]

This is one of the first articles you can read on the site:

 

Are Martial Arts Self-Defense? On this page:  Self defense | So What Is Self-Defense? | Do They Work? | Are You Helpless? The short answer is 'no.'  Although what you learn there can be used for self-defense, martial arts arenot synonymous with self-defense. Quite frankly, when it comes to teaching the realities of staying safe in a modern urban environment, most martial arts smell of elderberries -- especially strip mall schools. Your personal safety will be far better served understanding crime, home security and avoiding high-risk behavior than being able to break a board with your big toe. And yet, we are constantly asked what sort of martial arts someone should take to learn about 'self-defense.' Self-defense If you are looking for self-defense training, know right now, that most martial arts schools cannot offer what you are looking for. This is because of three interrelated issues. One, violence (and don't just assume you know what that word means) comes in many different levels and for many reasons Violence can range from a screaming argument from a threat display that escalates to a physical contact, to an argument that goes physical, to a date rape, to having to 'sit on' a quarrelsome drunk friend, to a fight, to a robbery, to someone trying to specifically kill you, to being being caught in an active shooter situation, to a SWAT team officer doing a high-risk entry into a room and having to shoot an armed suspect. They are all violence. And ALL of these have different conditions, different solutions and pose different problems. As such, they require different levels of response. Two, as violence is so varied, so to has to be self-defense. Because what works for one situation, doesn't work for another. On top of that, self-defense is a much more complex issue than mere physical prowess. Commonsense, lifestyle choices, certain habits and good manners will go much further to ensure your personal safety than any fighting style. This is despite what a fast talking MA school owner will tell you as he's trying to get you to sign the contract. Three, martial arts is training, but people mistake training for education. There is a BIG difference. Education is a generalized introduction to many issues. Whereas training -- by its very nature -- only addresses specific conditions and problems. For example that SWAT officer's high risk entry training isn't going to help him control a drunk in a bar. Furthermore, the conditions he is operating under are not the same as your needs and concerns. So his training won'twork for your self-defense needs. Nor will training that works for you, work for an officer. Self defense is an issue requiring education AND training. You will learn very specific things in the martial arts, however, that doesn'tmean you are prepared to handle all those situations we described above. That is where education becomes an issue. Starting with the fact you need to be educated about what self-defense is and isn't.  When we say that martial art techniques can be used for self defense, they also can be use as means of assault, fighting and even murder.  It's HOWthey are used and in what circumstances that dictate if they are self-defense or illegal violence. Unfortunately, that isn't how martial arts are marketed. They'll tell you they are one stop shopping for ALL of your self-defense needs. They claim their training is all encompassing education. While we will address the physical effectiveness of what is being taught in a bit, you should know a common misconception isn't! In fact, it is spot on. Many people believe martial arts are fighting. Martial artists insist "the MA are not fighting." They do this because popular society says "Fighting is bad. Self-defense? Well, that's okay." In order to stay in business, no matter WHAT the school teaches they are going to market it as self-defense. Not only is there is a BIG difference between between fighting and self-defense, but there's a big difference between martial arts and self-defense. Unfortunately, what most schools are teaching is in fact, based on fighting. So What Is Self-Defense?  People always talk about how the martial arts are good for self-defense, but they are most often using the term inappropriately. It isn't only just that they are thinking of it in a limited context (usually based on limited personal experience), but the fact that the term has been deliberately misinterpreted and marketed. What they are talking about when they use this term is something completely different than self-defense. What they are usually talking about is fighting or assaultive behavior. You should also know that we (Marc and Dianna) have a radically different definition of "self-defense" than how most people use the term. Shockingly ours runs along the lines of: DEFENSE, SELF-DEFENSE - A defense to certain criminal charges involving force (e.g. murder). Use of force is justified when a person reasonably believes that it is necessary for the defense of oneself or another against the immediate use of unlawful force. However, a person must use no more force than appears reasonably necessary in the circumstances. Force likely to cause death or great bodily harm is justified in self-defense only if a person reasonably believes that such force is necessary to prevent death or great bodily harm (1).   Oddly enough, that's pretty much the legal guidelines as well. Yes, it will vary from state to state, country to country, but that's the general idea. Notice that it isn't a carte blanche; there are all kinds of checks and balances about how much force you can use to 'defend' yourself. Specifically: What you can realistically and legally do when you are physically attacked without provocation. That last sentence may seem simple, but it is an incredibly slippery slope, as so many martial artists who were arrested for "defending themselves" have found out. Truth is, the reason they were arrested is because while they thought what they had done was self-defense, it was anything but. Self-defense is a legally defined term and it is up to YOU to meet those standards with your behavior, not create your own standards and call it self-defense as so many do. Yet, that is not what you are going to hear from the instructor who got you to sign the contract. But realize when we talk about self-defense, we are referring to a small aspect of a larger personal safety strategy. A strategy that self-defense is a small subset of a bigger picture. At the very best, we look at physical self-defense as damage control. And no damage control is ever as good as not getting into the situation in the first place. Unfortunately, what martial arts teach as self-defense, is not just damage control, but of questionable effectiveness at that. Do They Even Work?  Not only does the subject of self-defense involve much more than physical motion, but -- in an overwhelming majority of cases -- the physical movement these schools do teach have been watered down for safety in sport competitions. And yes, most martial arts have become martial sports -- regardless of what combative history or self-defense use they claim. Unfortunately, as there is a big difference between fighting and self-defense, there's also a big difference between sport fighting and defensive movement. Recognize that sport movement is designed for two elements:  1) To ensure the safety of the participants  2) To extend the match for the enjoyment of the audience.   That is NOT to say that these aren't powerful moves. They are, but at the same time there is a built in safety factor. What we are saying is that the kind of movement done in sports competition is not designed to created the physics that create immediate damage to another human. By this we're not talking inflicting pain. We're talking about breaking something in the attacker to end the attack. Sports fighting operates on the idea of victory through the collective -- whether it be collective damage or points. That is to say multiple attacks. Point sparring -- where each hit is worth points -- is a race to see who can either get the most points in a limited time or a race to a number of points. In full contact systems the idea is to create collective soft tissue damage and exhaustion until your opponent cannot continue or submits. Although 'knock outs' are the ultimate indicator of this, these are rare. To once again bring up the idea that the average person is correct about what they think martial arts are about, take this test. Imagine the participants of one of these sporting events. First put them in normal clothing. Second, take the event out of the ring and super-impose it on the backdrop of the last bar you were in. Then ask yourself ... is that self-defense or fighting? Do this knowing that is exactly what the security cameras, the witnesses, the prosecuting attorney, the judge and the jury are going to see. Moreover, that's the question, those other people are going to be asking when they see the video of you using your martial arts training. Let's take another look at the purposes of sporting styles, especially the part about extending the match. Take the shortest sports bout you have ever seen, do you want it to take that long before it is effective against a 250 biker with a knife? Or do you think he'd win in that time? Our standard for an effective self-defense strategy is that it gets you out of danger in three moves or less (under five seconds is another way of looking at it). If it can't do that (or doesn't teach that) then it is a sports style that someone is trying to sell as self-defense. Are there martial arts schools that still teach effective movement? Movement that you can use to defend yourself with? Yes. But even then, that teaching isn't likely to cover the legal and psychological aspects of self-defense. But finding them can be difficult. Are You Helpless? Upon hearing all of this you might think:  A) The martial arts are useless  B) We're against martial arts training Nothing could be further from the truth. The fact is ANY martial art style can be used for self-defense. That is if your idea of self-defense is to block and extract yourself from danger. It's when you start trying to make them work for other goals that things begin to deteriorate. This is especially true if you start calling those other things 'self-defense' (such as fighting). Do we recommend people have some kind of physical training? Well, it's not a bad idea. It's like having jumper cables, a spare tire and a jack in your car is a good idea. Hopefully you'll never need it, but just in case. But to get this training you don't have to sign up for a three year contract. You can get some training in short bouts and when combined with personal safety strategies it's often enough to keep you safe. When it comes to studying the martial arts we have a saying: People come to the martial arts for self-defense. They stay for many other reasons. If you're looking for some other things in your life, then maybe the martial arts are worth investigating. But we're not going to tell you that the martial arts are for everyone, because they aren't. But for those who get something from them, they are spectacular. However, if you're only interested in learning self-defense, then save your money because long term studying isn't what you're looking for. In fact, most people who we've spoken to who dropped out of the martial arts, tell us it was because they were disappointed in what they were being taught ... because, although they were told it was, they weren't being taught what they had come there to learn. Conversely, there aren't any short weekend seminars that will teach you everything you need either. No matter how appealing these programs may appear, short cuts that seem to answer all your fears about self-defense are another form of dangerous misinformation. While there are many benefits to be gained from the study of the martial arts, unfortunately, due to commercialism, self-defense really isn't one of them. When it come to that, physical ability is only a small part of youroverall strategy. Return to top 1) Notice the two important words there "immediate" and "harm." Immediate means that, you're about to be attacked NOW! Not threatened, not intimidated, not insulted, not your feelings hurt, not scared, but about to be physically attacked. The other important word is 'harm' That's an important term because it implies not pain, but intense -- if not permanent -- physical injury. A fat lip hurts, but it is not harm. Yet, this is the kind of stuff you will NOT be taught in most martial arts schools. By instructors who claim to teach you self-defense. (Definition source 'Lectric Library.) Return to Text

Edited May 12, 2015 by Nihil Obstat

[Winchester]

World War II combatives.

[Ark]

Along the lines of Nihil, get a knife and know how to use it. 

[NadaTeTurbe]

I have been harassed in the past, and I would advise you to learn krav maga (or something like that), not to learn to protect yourself (even if it help), but for your confidence. I did a little of krav maga (I could not do more because I'm disable), but it gave me assurance. 

Good luck with that, beatitude. I'm praying for you. 

[Nihil Obstat]

Along the lines of Nihil, get a knife and know how to use it. 

​Knives are terrible for self-defense. Everyone should carry a knife, because they are great to have and incredibly useful. Not for self-defense.

[PhuturePriest]

I've been in martial arts all my life, so I hope you find my knowledge and experience reliable and helpful.

As has been reiterated, martial arts isn't synonymous with self-defense. In fact, being a black belt, if someone came to me asking to be a student because they wanted to learn a few moves for self-defense, I'd simply tell them I'd save them hundreds of hours of irrelevant training and just teach them what they need to know in a few hours. Look for a women's self-defense program in your area, and perhaps even look for an Aikido class and tell the instructor of your situation. Aikido is fantastic for defending yourself against stronger people, as it uses their strength against them. However, Aikido will be the lengthier option in terms of training, so if you don't really want that just stick with the self-defense class.

For the record, I wouldn't recommend krav maga. Not because it isn't effective, as I myself have learned some of it and have found it incredibly useful, but because krav maga is essentially the art of beating the carp out of your opponents which, though effective, is both lengthy and not an optimal choice for smaller people like myself, particularly when going against stronger aggressors. Krav maga was made and designed by the Israeli army, meaning all of its moves are incredibly violent and destructive since it was all made within the context of war, meaning it was also made within the context of big, buff, fit men beating each other to death with their guns in close quarter fighting, not women defending themselves from sexual assault. As a result (in my opinion), it would be almost wholly ineffective at teaching you what you're specifically looking for.

Edited May 12, 2015 by PhuturePriest

[totustuus20]

I agree with what PhuturePriest has said. First, I would look into a women's self-defense class. Some martial arts schools may offer them, and if not it is possible that a local fire or police department will offer them. If you are looking for something long term to increase confidence and physical fitness as well as working on your self defense skills, I would find a martial arts school that does Aikido. I have a black belt in Tae Kwon Do, but my instructor was very much interested in teaching interdisciplinary self defense for one week of the month. We did work in kick boxing, ju juitsu, judo, aikido, grappling, and boxing, as well as Aikido, but I found Aikido to be most useful for me because I am also a woman with somewhat low strength and coordination, and it is more about using the attacker's aggression against them, so I could even work with a 250lb man and still have control over the situation.

I am very sorry that this happened to you. It is very scary to be in a situation that you cannot control, especially if you are on your own and vulnerable. I pray that you find peace in this time.

[Ark]

​Knives are terrible for self-defense. Everyone should carry a knife, because they are great to have and incredibly useful. Not for self-defense.

​I disagree, if you pull any weapon out you better be prepared to use it. If a would be attacker approached me they wouldn't know I had a knife until they felt it pierce their thigh, thus disabling them, thus excellent defense.