Maccabeus Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 7.5 months ago, after over a decade my wife left me for no reason at all, said She wasn't happy anymore. My theory is because she never wanted to have kids, so the time came when we agreed to have one: poof! The whole event and process crushed me so hard: all the heavy pain in the world that you could imagin, I had it all inside at the same time & for a while I wanted to jump off a cliff. Anyway somewhat recently I met a girl absolutely perfect for me except a catastrophic obsticle...She's Protestant and doesn't like Catholic mass because it's Boring. We alternate Churches but am unsure what to do about it, would God send me to Hell for making Protestant kids? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dUSt Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 (edited) As a man, you should take control. I don't mean to be chauvinistic about this--but it is your role to lead your family--and that means learning and living your faith so well that your wife/girlfriend will have no choice but to be convinced of the truth. Edited March 31, 2015 by dUSt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Era Might Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 7.5 months ago, after over a decade my wife left me for no reason at all, said She wasn't happy anymore. That this is a reason. She wasn't happy...everything else is just details, let her go figure out why she wasn't happy. I don't know anything about your ex, but if your new girlfriend is "bored" with something important to you, she might end up "not happy" someday too, so make sure she's down for the struggle beforehand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nihil Obstat Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 7.5 months ago, after over a decade my wife left me for no reason at all, said She wasn't happy anymore. My theory is because she never wanted to have kids, so the time came when we agreed to have one: poof! The whole event and process crushed me so hard: all the heavy pain in the world that you could imagin, I had it all inside at the same time & for a while I wanted to jump off a cliff. Anyway somewhat recently I met a girl absolutely perfect for me except a catastrophic obsticle...She's Protestant and doesn't like Catholic mass because it's Boring. We alternate Churches but am unsure what to do about it, would God send me to Hell for making Protestant kids? Perhaps more importantly, are things between you and the Church copacetic? Because presuming that you were married, as the Church will do, you could not be pursuing a relationship with another woman, notwithstanding any other issues. I see no mention of an annulment in your post, and my understanding is that seven and a half months would be quite short, especially if it is not an open and shut case - which based on your explanation it certainly is not. Please do let us know if you did get an annulment and just forgot to mention it. I do not think the conversation can proceed otherwise. Sorry if I am jumping the gun with that, but as you know it is a critically important detail. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beatitude Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 First of all, I'm sorry you've been having such a rough and painful time. Don't feel guilty for feeling angry. Remind yourself that God understands your anger, and it's safe for you to express it to him in prayer - he isn't some slavemaster looking for opportunities to punish you and hurt you, he is there by your side and always waiting to listen. As humans we have been given the freedom to make choices, and of course this means that sometimes we hurt one another, but God is always there to bind up our wounds and to bring good out of every difficult situation. Think of bad situations as like dung - it stinks, we don't want to be near it, but it can also be used to grow really beautiful flowers and plants. Secondly, I know it's hard, but it won't help you to speculate why your wife did what she did. Maybe she didn't want kids, maybe it was something else, but thinking about it and reliving it and trying to guess will only hurt you and stop you moving forward with your life. We need to accept that some things we just have no control over, and put them into the hands of God. Thirdly, in order to marry again you would need an annulment if you haven't got one already. I am no expert on this but it sounds as though your situation might warrant one, as from the little you've shared it seems as though your wife didn't enter into the marriage with a full understanding of the responsibilities involved. Going through the annulment process might also give you a sense of closure and be healing for you. As Catholics we are morally obliged to bring our children up in the faith, not out of fear of hell, but because of the love of God that overflows from the Church - especially in the sacraments. These are Jesus' gifts to us, and bringing up your kids Protestant would mean bringing them up without Jesus' presence in the Eucharist. That's a big absence in their lives. According to Church teaching, your wife would not have to convert herself and she would be free to continue attending her own church, but the children must be baptised Catholic. If her only current objection to the Mass is that it's 'boring' then it sounds as though she would be open to a Catholic baptism, and maybe her views about church would change as she gets to know it better. I will pray for you and for her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nihil Obstat Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Thirdly, in order to marry again you would need an annulment if you haven't got one already. I am no expert on this but from what you've described it sounds as though your situation would warrant one, as it seems as though your wife didn't enter into the marriage with a full understanding of the responsibilities involved. Going through the annulment process might also give you a sense of closure and be healing for you. We have no evidence by which we might imagine that this is true. We have M's "theory" that she did not want kids, which really is not much. And I seriously doubt a tribunal would consider an unsupported theory as constituting evidence that a marriage did not occur. Given that this theory is the only reason we have, and given that a marriage is always presumed valid, we cannot conclude that an annulment is warranted. I think that would be seriously imprudent and irresponsible on our part. We might hope for M's sake that an annulment is possible, but with his post it is dangerous to assume that to be the case. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beatitude Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 We have no evidence by which we might imagine that this is true. We have M's "theory" that she did not want kids, which really is not much. And I seriously doubt a tribunal would consider an unsupported theory as constituting evidence that a marriage did not occur. Given that this theory is the only reason we have, and given that a marriage is always presumed valid, we cannot conclude that an annulment is warranted. I think that would be seriously imprudent and irresponsible on our part. We might hope for M's sake that an annulment is possible, but with his post it is dangerous to assume that to be the case. That's true. I was jumping the gun a bit with that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dUSt Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 (edited) We alternate Churches but am unsure what to do about it This is a red flag for me. If you were strong in your faith, and truly convinced that Catholicism is true, you would not be alternating churches. My guess is that your girlfriend thinks mass is "boring" because you have not explained to her what is happening at mass--perhaps, because you yourself are not fully equipped to explain it? I think the first thing you should be concentrating on is strengthening your own understanding and dedication to your own faith. This will turn you into a stronger man. Women appreciate strong men. Edited March 31, 2015 by dUSt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nihil Obstat Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 This is a red flag for me. If you were strong in your faith, and truly convinced that Catholicism is true, you would not be alternating churches. My guess is that your girlfriend thinks mass is "boring" because you have not explained to her what is happening at mass--perhaps, because you yourself are not fully equipped to explain it? I think the first thing you should be concentrating on is strengthening your own understanding and dedication to your own faith. This will turn you into a stronger man. Women appreciate strong men. Agreed. Alternating churches is a compromise that should not be made, because as Catholics we know (or at least should know) that there is nothing remotely close to a substitute for the true Mass. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IgnatiusofLoyola Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I have a couple of other thoughts: --7 1/2 months is not a very long time after a 10-year marriage. It sounds like you were terribly hurt. I'm sorry to hear that. Are really you ready to think about dating yet? (I will leave it to others to express their opinions on whether a Catholic without an annulment should be dating at all.) But, as someone who has been through divorce, and helped friends through divorce, in hindsight, I think that those who took the wisest course were those who waited some length of time--say a year minimum--before actively dating. I dated sooner than that, and in hindsight, it would have been better if I had not. I had not healed sufficiently to be ready to consider any kind of close relationship. --As I understand it, a legal divorce needs to take place before a Catholic church annulment. (Someone correct me if I'm wrong.) You didn't mention whether you are legally divorced or not. Often, a divorce takes longer than 7 1/2 months. --I'm not as sure that dating a non-Catholic is an absolute "dealbreaker" in every case (although obviously some will disagree wih me). However, I have concerns about the alternating weeks. I think this could be fine as long as the Protestant weeks don't replace weekly Mass for you, and you attend weekly Catholic Mass with or without your girlfriend. (Note: Some Catholics might think it is fine to alternate with Protestant services. However, Phatmass views reflect Roman Catholic church teachings, and attending Catholic Mass every Sunday unless you are sick (or for other reasons I'm not immediately familiar with), is a very clear teaching of the Catholic church, so I don't think anyone here on Phatmass will say otherwise.) --I'm concerned about the fact your girlfriend finds Mass boring. I have experienced this when I brought Protestant friends to an Anglican Mass. They just didn't "get" the beauty and importance of liturgy. I find this a pretty big cultural difference. --Last, and perhaps I should have made this my first point, even before we starting giving advice on dating and annulment, perhaps we need to go back to the title of your post that sometimes you feel that you want to blame God. It sounds to me, as others have suggested, that you may want to get back in touch with your Catholic faith, for all kinds of reasons, not least of which is that you need to begin to make peace with God. (I'm very sure that God has no personal vendetta against you--that's not the way God works.) You're obviously still hurting a lot. Know that whatever you do, people at Phatmass will pray for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anomaly Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Looking back at Mac's posts provides a little more background. There is more to the story and there were religion and relationship issues. You owe it to yourself, her, and both of yours faiths to address it with maturity, openness, and outside help. You need to talk to a counselor and a priest just to start off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatherineM Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 If your ex-wife was opposed to children from the beginning, therefore not open to life, you have absolute grounds for an annulment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nihil Obstat Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 If your ex-wife was opposed to children from the beginning, therefore not open to life, you have absolute grounds for an annulment. But so far the only reason we have to think this is an unsubstantiated hunch from a party who, while probably genuine, is certainly not unbiased. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maccabeus Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 I appreciate all your replies, i am very educated in my Catholic faith, and I do know exactly what's expected of me, but at the same time; I'm trying to be accepting of other people, because we should not punish one another today because of divisions that were made hundreds of years ago. I am in the processes of getting an annulment. This woman whom I married always deceived me and gave me excuses to ask her for kids later, like I said when we agreed on a time, when the time came: She's gone, won't even talk to me. We dated for 8 years and were married for 3. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nihil Obstat Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Wait for the annulment process to finish before starting a relationship with anyone else. That would be my opinion. No annulment is guaranteed, so it is imprudent to 'count on it' in that manner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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