Finding the motivation to convert

[Aragon]

I've been away from the Church for about a year and I miss the relationship I had with Christ through the Catholic Church. I still pray occasionally and read the bible (and always say the same prayer before bed) but it's not the same as when I was living in a state of grace and properly practicing the Faith. In my head I want to return and my heart does miss Christ, but I can't seem to find the motivation to convert properly. I went on retreat and confession two weeks ago and within one day of being back in the world was back up to my old ways. 

I have been doing ten minutes of mental prayer every morning though, that was one of my retreat resolutions. I just can't seem to find the motivation to live the Catholic life again. The daily cross is heavy and, despite Christ's promise of His yoke being light, I feel exhausted.

Has this been a problem for anyone else? Maybe I just need to toughen up and actually put in a hard effort despite how little I want to. What do I do?

[chrysostom]

I've been through times like that.  It's terrible.  It doesn't always feel terrible because what's being done is forgetting, making a practice of looking everywhere else but God, looking away from the light that illuminates everything, wandering in a fog of sin.  It's staying far away from the aching heart of Jesus so that I don't feel the ache...even though I'm contributing to it by that very distance.  I've heard it said that this sort of disposition (mine, maybe yours?) - the relaxed, peaceful one - is very hard for cultivating holiness because it can easily lack a sense of urgency in pursuing God.

Practical recommendations: you NEED to get an SD.  That's what keeps me in line.  And he can provide some more detailed feedback, better than we can provide here.  Personally, I find Opus Dei priests are often quite available to meet and well trained to help students and professionals seek holiness in daily life.

[AccountDeleted]

Aragon

I don't know if this will help you or work for you but one of the helpful hints that I really got of @CatherineM 's book, Curve Balls  http://www.amazon.com/Curveballs-Catherine-A-Mardon/dp/1897472102  was the idea of doing things a little bit at a time. Perhaps it was just the mood I was in when I read it, because I know there are many others who talk about doing things with "Baby Steps"  (including a comedy movie with Bill Murray called What About Bob) but honestly, it really did hit me when I read her book - that I didn't have to improve things totally or immediately, but I could do it a little at a time.

You obviously have the desire, but the motivation is missing. So just take one step at a time. Set yourself a small achievable goal (you are obviously good at this because you do ten minutes prayer per day) and then build on each success. 

For example, maybe just try to get to Mass every Sunday as an addition to your prayer time. Then if that is working out, after awhile, try adding something more, like going to Confession, receiving Communion, participating in a ministry, or doing some spiritual reading etc. Just take small steps and don't rush with it. In her book, Catherine talks about how she wanted to lose weight during her recovery from the assault (correct me Catherine if I have gotten this wrong because I read the book quite awhile ago) so she would go for walks, but just as far as the corner. Then after some time, she would set a further walking goal and then even further, until she was walking quite long distances. When I have trouble doing something big now, I break it into smaller pieces, small tasks, small goals, until I can work my way up to the desired goal.

So maybe don't think about converting as this giant step where you have to live the whole life all at once (especially as it seems like such a burden to you right now). Over time, you might find strength from the small things that helps you to reach the bigger goal. Good luck.

[chrysostom]

^^^ What she said.

[Credo in Deum]

@nunsense: Sounds like a book I could use.  

OP:

I've dealt with the same experience, @Aragon.  Fighting a lot between a new life in Christ and the old life trusting in my own power and outlook.  I still struggle but it's not as bad as it used to be.  I also feel depressed at times because there is a path I feel called to take, and want to take, but the motivation for me to take it is lacking despite how much I really want to pursue it.  It's hard to explain and others around me always comment on how dumbfounded they are when they see my passion but notice my lack of motivation.  I think of Saint Paul's verse when he said "the good that I want to do, I do not. And the evil I don't want to do, that I do."  In the end I think, for me, it comes down to faith. Right now I cannot see how I'm going to achive this goal and maybe it's that way so I will put my trust in God to supply the strength needed to cross the finish line.  I just need to take the step and accompany Christ like Simon of Cyrene.

Again it's difficult to explain.  There is a great interior battle going on and there are lots of times where I feel completely alone.  I hope you find some peace and my prayers are with you. Please pray for me.

 

[Gabriela]

I've found that, when I feel exhausted by my own struggle to draw near to God, praying exclusively for others—never, ever myself, no matter how I'm feeling—actually helps to bring me back. It seems to me that externalizing "the whole God thing" to just God and other people helps me to overcome whatever issues I'm having. I think it works by keeping me near to God without letting me focus on how exhausting it is to try to live up to His standards. Soon I'm remembering His love again, and then I can start fresh—and reasonable—with the striving to be holy.

Maybe give that a try?

In the meantime, I lit a candle and said a prayer for you to St. Jude.

[HopefulHeart]

One thing that I find motivational in the spiritual life is reflecting on the concept of eternity in heaven. Eternity is simply unimaginable to my finite human mind. It's not ten years, or a million, or even billions. It's forever, which fills me with awe and makes me want to strive more for holiness. It also helps me to put my daily choices in a broader perspective. For instance, an act of self-denial does not seem quite so difficult if I compare the temporary discomfort with the infinite bliss of heaven. Perhaps you will find this helpful, too.

"And I heard a great voice from the throne, saying: Behold the tabernacle of God with men, and he will dwell with them. And they shall be his people; and God himself with them shall be their God. And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes: and death shall be no more, nor mourning, nor crying, nor sorrow shall be any more, for the former things are passed away. And he that sat on the throne, said: Behold, I make all things new. And he said to me: Write, for these words are most faithful and true."

 (Revelation 21:3-5)

[Nihil Obstat]

Perhaps you are trying too hard.

 

 

[11] Be still and see that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, and I will be exalted in the earth. 

[orapronobis]

Take it slowly and in your own time. Rome wasn't built in a day

[Pia Jesu]

Try to keep yourself in the very moment you are in, Aragon.  Put your mind in the present (where God's grace is sufficient!).  I thought of you today when listening to Baer Woznick (author of Deep in the Wave: A Surfing Guide to the Soul and Deep Virtue: The Waves of the Hero.  The titles seemed a bit unusual (to me), but he has created a most wonderful allegory about his experiences in the ocean (and as an adventurer) with the journey towards deeper intimacy with God.  On the radio show, Baer told the story about how student pilots are exposed to unexpected engine stalls--the single most unsettling, unforgiving malfunction of a plane.  They are taught how to recognize the telltale signs of a stall in order to take corrective action (applying full throttle, putting the nose of the plane down).  After describing the sudden silence of losing engine power and the sounds/feelings of recovering it, he takes the story to another level--how God has made all of us to fly...that we are designed that way.  And how sometimes we have to put our noses down and power forward, relying on Him to take us through.  During your amesome (daily!) 10 minutes of mental prayer, I'm sure you have already turned things over to Him.  And like Ora said, take it slowly.  The strength and motivation will come!  Pax.

 

[Aragon]

Thank you to all for your advice and prayers. A special thanks to Nunsense for her wonderful post. Little baby steps. I think that's the way to go.

Please pray for me.

[Aragon]

Also, Chrysostom, I'll try and get a SD. The retreat was actually run by Opus Dei.