Breaking The News

[gratiaplena]

Praised be Jesus Christ!

 

I am somewhat new to posting here, but I need some advice and thought it would be helpful to get some other discerners' experiences.

 

I just got back from a beautiful visit at a monastery and truly think that God is calling me there (I have been discerning for about 3 years and have visited 3 different convents). However, my parents have no idea that I'm discerning.. Obviously before I can take another step, I need to tell them. I am struggling with how to bring it up to them, because whenever I have brought up the idea of religious life before, it has been met with negativity. Also, I go to school far away from them and will not see them until summer break. I'm not sure if I should break the news over the phone, but I feel like I am lying to them if I don't tell them soon!

 

I am planning on talking about this to my spiritual director in a week, but I was just wondering if anyone had experience with this? I am so nervous as my parents are practicing Catholics but have never encouraged religious vocations and although they know I am very serious about my faith, they have no idea I am considering a cloistered religious vocation….

 

Thanks in advance for your help! 

 

+JMJ+

[superblue]

Well with technology being advanced as it is, you do have the option to use something like Skype, if your parents have internet access that way there is a slightly better version than just the phone to talk.....

 

Other than that I would humbly suggest just picking a time of day when things should be calm for everyone, an since you have met some resistance before hand to just keep that in mind and not to be discouraged too much if they don't fully support your decision.  Don't stress yourself out about bringing the subject up, I seriously doubt your parents will disown you, and their concerns or what not is small potatoes if anything they should be inspired by your decision.  An just give it time with them, when they see you happy in life, it will be hard for them to rationally disagree with your decision or be " disappointed " .

[veritasluxmea]

If you feel a need to tell them soon, I think it would be ok to do it over the phone. Just my 2 cents.

 

I guess I've had experience with it as everyone in my family knows I'm discerning, but I can't remember how "I broke the news." I think I just brought up over dinner one night that I was visiting a convent for a weekend and was thinking of joining an order in the future. Eventually my family saw I was serious (as I kept going again and again and again...) and it was never an issue.

[Luigi]

You can certainly use technology if you prefer it, or they prefer it, but there's an old technology out there that might serve you well, too.

 

It's called a letter.

 

You write words on paper, then you fold up the paper and put it an envelope, you put a stamp on the envelope, and you drop it in a mailbox.

 

 

One advantage here is that you can compose a letter - you can take your time, be sure you've included all the important ideas, find just the right words, revise it, and so forth. Rather than talking off the top of your head. Even if you rehearse a little speech, you might not be able to deliver it as you plan to - you get nervous, they interrupt you, whatever.

 

Another advantage is that your parents have time to process their reactions before they talk to you, too. They can work through the shock, the disappointment, the "That's crazy." They can talk it over between themselves. They can talk to their priest if they want to.  

 

 

Just sayin.'

[Spem in alium]

A letter is a good idea. It gives them time to process their own emotions (and it gives you the opportunity to process yours, too), and it makes sure you can say everything you want to say in the way you want to say it.

 

I did use a letter to tell some people. Some people I told over the phone, and a couple via e-mail. But most I told face-to-face. For me, it really depended on the person, what I knew about them, and what I knew they would appreciate or would be easiest for them to take. 

Edited February 23, 2015 by Spem in alium

[Chiquitunga]

I told my parents while I was far away at college over the phone, and it went very well. But thankfully I was pretty sure they would be happy about it, and they were, although I didn't grow up knowing much about vocations/religious life at all. 

 

Maybe if you decide to write a letter or talk to them on the phone, start by saying that you have wanted to tell them for a long time and really wanted it to be in person, but because of the circumstances, that would mean waiting even longer.. something like that, just a thought..

 

About the cloister, I would start by just telling them you're discerning religious life, or that could be too great of a leap I think to start.. Anyway, you've probably thought that through already. But just thought I'd say it. :like:

 

Another thing is that I think it helps parents very much if they can talk to other parents who had daughters join the cloister. I know of a couple parents from the monastery I think you're referring to, who greatly opposed their daughter's decision, but at least one I know came around about it. Anyway, there are many such parents, but it could help even more if they are parents with daughters at the same monastery. 

 

Here are a couple threads that come to mind by the way, related to that and/or helping to explain cloistered life, 

 

http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/topic/127340-help-need-resources-on-cloistered-life-for-parents/

http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/topic/121475-mom-of-cloistered-nuns-support-group-please/

http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/topic/123440-how-to-tell-parents-that-you-are-discerning/

 

There was another one I was looking for with a very good video of parents talking about their daughter entering the Carmelite Sisters of the Sacred Heart of Los Angeles. I believe she told them first in a letter. If I find it, I'll post. For me though, with my parents, it would have been strange to tell them by letter. It was better on the phone. But then I wasn't afraid they would be opposed really.

 

God bless you and prayers! :pray:

[Kateri89]

You can certainly use technology if you prefer it, or they prefer it, but there's an old technology out there that might serve you well, too.

 

It's called a letter.

 

You write words on paper, then you fold up the paper and put it an envelope, you put a stamp on the envelope, and you drop it in a mailbox.

 

 

One advantage here is that you can compose a letter - you can take your time, be sure you've included all the important ideas, find just the right words, revise it, and so forth. Rather than talking off the top of your head. Even if you rehearse a little speech, you might not be able to deliver it as you plan to - you get nervous, they interrupt you, whatever.

 

Another advantage is that your parents have time to process their reactions before they talk to you, too. They can work through the shock, the disappointment, the "That's crazy." They can talk it over between themselves. They can talk to their priest if they want to.  

 

 

Just sayin.'

 

I like this advice.  Of course once you send the letter, they have hard evidence for future use lol.  Seriously though, I've been thinking recently that instead of calling up the vocations director of the order I'm discerning with, I think I'd rather write a letter.  For one thing, they don't have computers so email is non-optional; for another, I'm too nervous to call.  I want to actually write it too, not type it up.  I like being old fashioned sometimes.

[Anselm]

With any luck they might have worked out more than you expect. I'm not sure what to say to my parents either, but my younger brother says they've been expecting it for years!

[Chiquitunga]

I like this advice.  Of course once you send the letter, they have hard evidence for future use lol.  Seriously though, I've been thinking recently that instead of calling up the vocations director of the order I'm discerning with, I think I'd rather write a letter.  For one thing, they don't have computers so email is non-optional; for another, I'm too nervous to call.  I want to actually write it too, not type it up.  I like being old fashioned sometimes.

 

For writing to communities, I agree. I prefer to write a letter, and to handwrite it :like: That's usually how it works for Carmel. But for parents, in my case, that would have been strange to formally write a letter like that, since we talk a lot anyway. Just calling them up was best for me. It all really depends on the situation. 

[vee]

 However, my parents have no idea that I'm discerning.. Obviously before I can take another step, I need to tell them.

 

Maybe its because Im tired however I don't see how it is obvious that you need to tell them anything at this point.  You are not living at home, you are not entering anytime soon etc, so I see no point in telling them anything.  If you have the application and you have to tell them because you need their permission because of age then yes ask but wait til you talk to your spiritual director first.  If Im not mistaken you are in school, presumably university?  Unless you are graduating soon and are debt free I would keep things between you and the community and your spiritual director.  Just my two cents and some questions for you to ask yourself. 

[gratiaplena]

Maybe its because Im tired however I don't see how it is obvious that you need to tell them anything at this point.  You are not living at home, you are not entering anytime soon etc, so I see no point in telling them anything.  If you have the application and you have to tell them because you need their permission because of age then yes ask but wait til you talk to your spiritual director first.  If Im not mistaken you are in school, presumably university?  Unless you are graduating soon and are debt free I would keep things between you and the community and your spiritual director.  Just my two cents and some questions for you to ask yourself. 

 

I guess I never thought of it that way. My parents are paying for my education so I just feel like I owe it to them to tell them what is going on. I am in year 3 of a 6 year undergrad/doctorate program, but I could potentially stop at 4 years and get my bachelor's depending on if/when God calls me to religious life and what my parents' wishes are because they are paying for school. The problem is that I need to decide before May if I am going for only one more year or for the full 6, so that's why I am thinking I should probably tell my parents if I am going to drop the program… complicated I know but we'll see what God's Will is!

 

Thank you all for the advice, it's always good to hear others' thoughts and ideas! I am definitely going to pray and talk to my spiritual director about it! 

[Antigonos]

  I want to actually write it too, not type it up.  I like being old fashioned sometimes.

It's a good idea as long as your handwriting is legible.  :unsure: :hehe2:

[Luigi]

I like this advice.  Of course once you send the letter, they have hard evidence for future use lol.  Seriously though, I've been thinking recently that instead of calling up the vocations director of the order I'm discerning with, I think I'd rather write a letter.  For one thing, they don't have computers so email is non-optional; for another, I'm too nervous to call.  I want to actually write it too, not type it up.  I like being old fashioned sometimes.

 

 

Kateri jokes about the letter becoming hard evidence, but it's true. Hard copy is more permanent that a conversation or an e-mail. There's a Latin adage -  Verba volant, scripta manent - Spoken words fly, written words remain.

 

And writing a letter would be a good pre-writing exercise for your application to the order. Writing forces us to order our thoughts, and find specific words that express our often-vague ideas and feelings. And in the process of ordering and specifying, writing helps us understand our own minds. So when you have to write your autobiography for your application packet, you'll be better prepared to do it well.

 

And a letter (longhand or typed - pick your poison!) becomes an artifact of your discernment, of your state of mind at the time, of your decision making process, of the decision itself. Your parents will probably keep the letter, along with other memorabilia from your childhood, from your life with them. They might re-read it sometimes after you're in religious life, the way people sometimes look through their wedding albums. And the re-reading of the letter will revive that time and those feelings, just like old photos do. They might give it back to you on your silver jubilee or something like that.

 

A letter is indeed hard evidence.

[vee]

I guess I never thought of it that way. My parents are paying for my education so I just feel like I owe it to them to tell them what is going on. I am in year 3 of a 6 year undergrad/doctorate program, but I could potentially stop at 4 years and get my bachelor's depending on if/when God calls me to religious life and what my parents' wishes are because they are paying for school. The problem is that I need to decide before May if I am going for only one more year or for the full 6, so that's why I am thinking I should probably tell my parents if I am going to drop the program… complicated I know but we'll see what God's Will is!

 

Thank you all for the advice, it's always good to hear others' thoughts and ideas! I am definitely going to pray and talk to my spiritual director about it! 

 

 

Yes I see your dilemma. Prayers that you may echo Mary's fiat and follow God's will.   And if you decide to graduate at four years you can always tell your parents simply that.  Mom, Dad Ive decided to graduate at four years as theres been a job offer I find hard to refuse.  I want to apply for it and I will let you know more details if Im accepted.

[MarysLittleFlower]

I think a letter is a good idea...

Vee8, I think the format of the statement is good but I'm worried if the OP tells her parents its a job, they would be very shocked when they find out the reality and might even feel mislead or deceived.. I mean, parents are usually excited about jobs but if they are not very into the vocations idea they might get even more upset, because they were excited before..

Maybe it would be good to either just tell them the direct truth, or say something like "I am trying to find my path in life and what I want to do", followed by describing religious life as an option (just to introduce the topic), and then later saying what communities you visited etc... This might give them time to adjust but in a way that doesn't make them feel like they were not included in discernment. However, of course even if parents are not glad about it we need to follow God's call. I wouldn't tell anyone except a priest while you are still initially discerning, but if you are entering I think it might be time because the parents should be told at some point... Its good not to tell to early if people are not supportive but it's still important to explain your discernment to them in a clear way.