The Post-Discernment Noonday Devil

[bardegaulois]

Greetings.

 

I've long asserted that sloth or acedia is probably the least understood of the capital sins. As we think of sloth in general parlance as meaning laziness, it conjures up images of an obese, unshaven couch potato, and while that might well be an example of spiritual sloth, I think there's a lot more to it. Almost every source I consult considers sloth to be a neglect of or lethargy in fulfilling one's duties before God and the duties of one's state of life.

About a month ago I turned 35. I've come to the point where my youthful ambitions of entering the priesthood have largely become impossible, and I've been pouring myself into both my secular career and my ecclesiastical work. Ever since my birthday, though, my reflections have been taking on something of a different cast. I've come to a place where my past self-image has been destroyed, at times rather painfully, and in my secular work and in my position in the Church, it seems that I've received all that at one time I only desired. It's a great work of the providence and mercy of God that such a position should be so prepared for me, as well as a conflict that I know will be engrossing me over the next five to ten years. In short, I finally have a rather good idea of what my duties and responsibilities now are, and I've accepted them and all the crosses they are destined to bring, initially with a sense of peace.

But why every now and again do I look back over my past and think that, even though things all turned out for the best, they could have been quite different? Why do I often look at what I do as so paltry compared to the works of priests or monks. Why, when I try to see myself from the outside, do I see my modest fiat as so small, so insignificant? I thought for a moment that this could simply be the virtue of humility. However, as these thoughts make me lose courage in the face of my daily work and struggles, leading me to think it is false humility.

I've read that the noonday devil strikes at midlife, that period by which the trajectory of one's life has largely been determined, one steadily is making progress toward a goal, and then the zeal that compelled one to choose that path vanishes, often accompanied by that aridity that makes even prayer and pious work seem laborious. Past consolations become burdens, and life becomes a trial of simply continuing to do what one was doing, the progresses and successes in it just seeming very unfulfilling, and setting the mind wondering about what might have been. Perhaps unhealthily, I find myself bemoaning my want of charity toward God,seeing it as one of the chief sins of my past life for which I am certainly contrite, even though intellectually I see that, were I to remain truly sincere throughout all of that, it could have been no other way, yet still leads to a good end. Then I wonder if I might simply be rationalizing the matter

I haven't really dealt with any great aridity to this point, but I must ask myself if this is acedia starting to make its presence mildly known, or if it's something I should be watching out for more as I age. Any insights into this, or into the nature of sloth or any other of the temptations specific to midlife?

Thanks to all.

[oratefratres]

what vocation did you go for in the end? some seminaries and orders still accept over 35s?

[bardegaulois]

I didn't "go for" anything. I've been placed ecclesiastically in a position in which I am to do something very particular about which I must be very discrete, and professionally I work in education, again in response to a definite call and fortunate circumstance.

Edited January 31, 2015 by bardegaulois

[Nunsuch]

Of course I know nothing about you or your situation, but it seems to me that things may be working out so well because you "let go and let God"--that you accepted HIS will, rather than your own.  We are to be holy where we are, and it sounds like you may well be doing just that.

 

I'm happy for you.  

[LittleFlower123]

It seems that you are really trying to listen to what the Lord is trying to tell you, which is the most important thing. It is not easy and is even a little scary, I find in my experience, but something I have learned is that really all the Lord wants is not our accomplishments but our love. So, as long as we are loving Him in everything we do and only doing things which allow us to glorify Him, He is pleased.

 

I'm praying for you, and please pray for me too!

[Era Might]

I'm fascinated by the human problem of vocation. It can ruin or make a life. There is nothing more frustrating than having no context in which to live, meaning a space to discover and work out a person's unique mix of talents, abilities, needs, etc. But at the same time, discovering or creating that space can change a person's entire life in a single instant. I don't think vocation is a passion or an interest or a talent, but a healthy interaction between a person and their environment. Unfortunately, the world wants to fit people into its plans, so finding a vocation in this sense is thwarted, and everything has to be sacrificed to "fitting in" with society, which is not the same as having a vocation. A person can "fit in" just by giving up their humanity altogether, and adopting whatever their environment dictate. But a vocation is something which allows the person to be a participant in their environment, to shape it, affect it, change it, not just fit into it.

 

I had a good friend who was over 80, he was a university professor, a very wise man, and by the end of his life, he still spoke of finding his vocation. It's not that he wasn't happy about what he had accomplished in life or did not enjoy his profession, but his vocation was something deeper, something that could never be satisfied by a job or an achievement or a career. His search for vocation was a search for his identity in the world, his "voice" which speaks him into being, which reflects the world that made him while at the same time creating the world that has meaning and possibility for him.

 

What you're describing doesn't seem like sloth. In its truest sense, sloth is a sort of despair at the weight of the world and the seeming impossibility to do anything in this world that was here before you and will be here after you. Even looking at sloth in the more common sense of "laziness," what does laziness tell us about people? Not that they are evil or good-for-nothing, but that they are lacking a deeply-rooted vocation, and therefore, doing nothing is just as good as doing something that means nothing to them. Melville wrote a great short story about a character named Bartleby, who one day just sits in his office and says, "I would prefer not to work" and keeps repeating it, not giving any reason. Some people wander the earth, homeless, and in the eyes of the world these people are useless, good-for-nothing, lazy, but if the world has not given them a meaningful space to find a vocation, it's not hard to understand and sympathize with people who choose not to conform. They may not have found a vocation, but they at least are not living a lie that they have. We do not like what the homeless and "failures" of the world say about us, that maybe all our busy work and activity means nothing, and we are no better or more happy than a person who has failed. What do we tell young people? Get a job, a car, an apartment, etc., as if these things were anything in themselves. One one level, it's good for young people to have self-respect and self-reliance, but ultimately, what we tell them is life is about getting a job and existing, not about having a vocation, an authentic space in which to live. If you have a job, a car, etc. then you're supposedly better than a young person in prison, or homeless, or addicted to drugs, or whatever. But no, neither success or failure tell us anything real about life, only that gnawing desire for vocation, which can be killed by success or failure.

 

So for your basic question, comparing yourself to priests or monks or whoever who does "more work," forget about that, because their successes tell you nothing about them or yourself. Their failures are more likely to tell you more, as are yours, because success has no further reward beyond itself, while the reward of failure is the possibility of wisdom and new opportunity. Some win, some lose, some are both to sing the blues.

Edited February 1, 2015 by Era Might

[veritasluxmea]

 

I had a good friend who was over 80, he was a university professor, a very wise man, and by the end of his life, he still spoke of finding his vocation. It's not that he wasn't happy about what he had accomplished in life or did not enjoy his profession, but his vocation was something deeper, something that could never be satisfied by a job or an achievement or a career. His search for vocation was a search for his identity in the world, his "voice" which speaks him into being, which reflects the world that made him while at the same time creating the world that has meaning and possibility for him.

 

^^^ props, especially here. I think it's more beneficial (for Catholics) to think of vocations in the sense of: who (not what) does God want me to become? Obviously we are meant to be transformed into the image of Christ, but how will I reflect that relationship with the people and environment I'm in? St Gianna Molla and St John of the Cross were two very different people, but they both reflected Christ where they are, as they are. I guess what I'm trying to say is: it's helpful to consider vocations as a way in, with, and through Christ into the person you are meant to be, a way you're never really done traveling until you die. 

[bardegaulois]

Era Might, that is a really good insight into the relation between the individual and his environment. Perhaps part of what makes me nervous is the fact that I have largely created, and continue to create, the milieu in which I'm doing my work, and I often don't trust myself with that. Essentially, my environment, my work, all of that, have been matters I've defined into existence, and though surely it's quirky and off the beaten path, it's also very insecure. Too often, it's as though I'm standing alone against some increasingly harsh elements and second-guessing why I even accepted this assignment in the first place--assuming I could have gotten to the juncture I did and retained any sense of authenticity by declining this.

 

But I'm too invested and too many others are counting on me, so if I even did have a choice in the first place, I don't any longer if I wish to maintain a sense of personal integrity.

[TheresaThoma]

No matter what our vocation or state of life currently is we are always called to make a gift of self. Which can be hard especially outside of a formal setting (ie marriage/holy orders/religous life). So the two questions you need to ask yourself are am I making a gift of self (don't question whether it is a bug enough gift just are you doing it. And is it a healthy gift of self. For example I was working in a very worthwhile volunteer position. And it demanded much of me and was a gift of self. Yet it wasn't a healthy one for me. I was so drained that I wasn't progressing in holiness. The best thing for me was to leave. Even though right now it I don't have a specific major way of the gift of self I'm,so much more at peace and happy. I do wonder about if there was something I could have done differently. In those,moments I try to focus on what I can do now. For example I can devote lots more time to prayer and specifically intercessory prayer. I am also involved in other ministries that I couldn't have been if I had stayed.

[bardegaulois]

This might be somewhat tangential, but I came across this essay this morning, which seems to dovetail nicely into this conversation: http://www.salon.com/2013/07/31/living_in_america_will_drive_you_insane_literally_partner/.

 

The author here seems to be describing nicely what it means to be without vocation in life--and its attendant social consequences. Often the focus on putting one's quest for a vocation into the traditional context--that of your several categories of priest, religious, generally married laymen--can stress only the milieu in which one would best carry out the vocation (a state vocation, I'll call it) rather than the personal vocation itself, which is often very particular, unique, and individual. These are always affirmatively defined, and never negatively defined.

 

So I think my dilemma has been that I'm intellectually trying to balance my affirmative personal vocation against my negative state vocation. That's I think why I place such value on my work and my duties. I didn't realize that much until I friend asked me if I compartmentalized--work self, home self, social self--and I came to realize that I didn't, because everything I do seems to fit my personality so well that I never really have to compromise my authenticity. It's what I've really always wanted, and thus an amazing blessing, but... why can't I get my mind off of what I'm not?

[Pia Jesu]

"I found Him whom my soul loveth; I held Him: and I will not let Him go."  (Cant. 3.4)

 

It is surely possible to spend an entire life plumbing the depths of one's particular vocation, Bardegaulois--and never get resolution!  Even if it was expressed in clear, distinct formulaic terms, the struggle you describe is in-

evitable.  We all want to say, "Finally, I have found it!"  Such is the desire of our very human hearts.  Theresa Thoma's advice to focus on what you are doing now is sound.  It's the "end game" (cited in the above quote) that matters.  It might help to keep in mind the beautiful Zen saying that Eckhart Tolle cites in A New Earth:  Awakening to Your Life's Purpose...namely, that "The snow falls, each flake in its appropriate place" (194).

Your exceptional life-journey is hardly deserving of being lumped in with one of the seven deadly sins of

Christian theology!  Awhile back, I had a stress management therapist tell me that thoughts can "do us in."

Try to quiet the need to analyze, probe, project and second-guess.  With grace, the best answers seem to

come to us in silence and stillness.  Be assured of my prayers!

 

 

 

 

--

 

[bardegaulois]

More likely than not, what I'm experiencing is my inner control freak acting up, as it tends to do every winter. Since last spring, I've simply been flowing along with what I've been doing, and maybe a little more self-consciousness is emerging now to slow me down in anticipation of a bend in the road--and I can easily foresee one within the next few months.

[Pia Jesu]

So...it's not P.D.N.D (Post-Discernment Noonday Devil), but S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder)!  The symptoms can be managed by exercise, various mind-body therapies, supplements and exposure to light.  While sitting near windows and special lamps (made for that purpose) helps--spending time in the glow of a sanctuary lamp has been proven to give the greatest relief/benefits! :pray:

[Era Might]

Era Might, that is a really good insight into the relation between the individual and his environment. Perhaps part of what makes me nervous is the fact that I have largely created, and continue to create, the milieu in which I'm doing my work, and I often don't trust myself with that. Essentially, my environment, my work, all of that, have been matters I've defined into existence, and though surely it's quirky and off the beaten path, it's also very insecure. Too often, it's as though I'm standing alone against some increasingly harsh elements and second-guessing why I even accepted this assignment in the first place--assuming I could have gotten to the juncture I did and retained any sense of authenticity by declining this.

 

But I'm too invested and too many others are counting on me, so if I even did have a choice in the first place, I don't any longer if I wish to maintain a sense of personal integrity.

 

Yeah I hear you, human beings have an amazing capacity to change their situation, but there is something unsatisfying about not having a a soil from which you have sprung. I have a painting given to my be a little girl with a plant floating in the middle of the sea, and a ship passing by. That's what I'm reminded of, the plant is something living, but it is out of context, watching the boat pass it by.

 

I'm currently reading Chuang Tzu, an ancient Chinese text and the origin of what would become Daoism, you might find it helpful. The "Dao" is the Way, and the text is a collection of parables and stories about it, featuring different characters from Chinese society...kings, criminals, sages, etc.

 

I find that your inner voice is your best guide, you can't always quantify its calling, you just have to trust the light it sheds ahead of you (or listen to the warnings it gives, and listen closely, because it's hard to hear sometimes).

 

The only way to really clarify a vocation is to go deeper into yourself, and value self-knowledge above everything, above success, above failure. "Letters to a Young Poet" by Rilke might be useful to you as well, even if you're not a poet, his letters are about discovering yourself, and he advises the young poet not to write unless it comes from some deep and urgent need, a vocation, inside himself.

Edited February 7, 2015 by Era Might

[Pia Jesu]

Yes, Rilke's Letters to Franz Kappus are excellent.  The poet certainly plumbs the depths of human uncertainty--only to discover that the seeming dichotomies of one's life journey are not disparate elements, but flow together, resolving at a level he terms instinctual knowing.  Years ago, I recorded the words of a Baltimore Carmelite nun spoken at her Solemn Profession.  She quoted Rilke (with a bit of poetic license, I might add) who once said, "Few try to love the dissonance [of life] itself as a favorite tune, and I do not search for a harmony that could not be given to me now--because I would not be able to live it.  Maybe I can learn to live the dissonance.  Perhaps, then, someday far in the future, I will gradually, without even noticing it, live my way into the harmony."  For those (sometimes uncomfortable) moments of lightness/darkness, silence/sound, Rilke's poems in the Book of Hours is another great read.  For more auditory types, listen to Simon & Garfunkel's old tune, "The Sound of Silence"!  Lots of wisdom there, too.

Pax