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Sleep And Spouses (Or Roomies Or Whatever)


Maggyie

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IgnatiusofLoyola

I have had sleep problems for as long as I remember. Mostly, I get sleepy at lot--I needed (and wanted!) naps until much later than everyone else (meaning, into adulthood  :paperbag: ). Also, I have always been a very light sleeper.

 

No one took my sleep problems very seriously, until I started falling asleep at work in the afternoon.

 

So I FINALLY had a consultation with a sleep clinic. I ended up taking a sleep test and a "nap" test because my doctor was afraid I had narcolepsy (one disease where sleep CAN kill you). The test was no fun. First, the doctor and I decided I should go off every medication I was taking for a month (this isn't the case for everyone who has a sleep test--going off certain medications often is not an option). Stopping all my medications was very difficult, and I had to go on vacation to do it. For the sleep test, I had to spend the night in an unfamiliar (but very comfortable) bed with wires hooked up to my head, and chest, and fingers (to check the oxygen levels in my blood).

 

Due to having taken me off medications, I had an panic attack during the night (something I hadn't experienced in years), but I just toughed it out. (However, it did show that my medications had been effective in preventing panic attacks.)

 

Bottom line, I have a type of insomnia that is so unusual that most people haven't heard of it, and it doesn't show up in most discussions of insomnia. It's called "alpha wave intrusion." Basically, every time my brain goes into Stage 3 or Stage 4 sleep (Stage 4 is the deepest sleep, and is where the body heals itself) my brain wakes itself up. On the night of my test, I got NO Stage 4 sleep at all and very little Stage 3 sleep.

 

The good news was that I don't have narcolepsy (a VERY dangerous and scary disease). I had to take a nap test to determine this. Basically I sat in a hospital room all day and was required to stay awake. But, every 2 hours, I was told to try to fall asleep. After 10 minutes they wake you up--assuming you've fallen asleep. If you fall asleep in less than 5 minutes (and particularly if you start to dream) you have narcolepsy. (It's not really that simple, but that's the basic idea.) I had to do this five times over 10 hours. I fell asleep three times out of five, but it took me eight minutes to fall asleep, and they ruled out narcolepsy.

 

Bad news--Alpha wave intrusion isn't curable--doctors don't even know why my brain does this. All my doctor and I can do is have me avoid certain medications at night that cut into Stage 4 sleep (unfortunately that includes a LOT of things like antihistamines that are in OTC sleep rememdies, as well as pain medications). I also use prescription sleep medication to help give me a fighting chance of staying asleep for at least four hours or so. Because my sleep is so nonrestorative (despite all the MANY things I do to give me the best sleep possible), I normally have to sleep about 11-12 hours a night. And, if I don't get enough sleep, I'm not only sleepy the next day, but have emotional problems, have trouble concentrating, and am often in physical pain.

 

The worst part is that people don't take sleep problems seriously. They shrug it off by saying "Everyone has trouble sleeping sometimes," or "Lack of sleep never killed anyone." And, that is true for most people. In my case, sleep problems probably won't be the direct cause of death for me, but they contribute to a whole host of other medical problems I face every day.

 

My advice: Although having a sleep test is a PITA, I'd STROMGLY suggest to anyone who is having chronic sleep problems to consult with a sleep specialist and have a sleep test done, if the specialist recommends it. Pinpointing the specific causes of your sleep problems means that you can treat them more effectively. And, the treatment probably won't require medication. Often specific changes like what you eat and do in the hours before going to bed, etc etc is sufficient for most people and they don't need medication. Poor quality sleep might not kill you, but it CAN lead to a host of other problems--including other types of health issues.

 

Insomnia (whatever form it takes) ISN'T something "you just have to live with." Maggie--I have generalized anxiety, too, as well as episodes of panic attacks, so I know that particular hell all too well. BTW--I second Catherine M's suggestion of trying low doses of beta blockers for anxiety. Beta blockers have their own side effects, but could be worth talking to your doctor about.

 

As for sleeping with a partner, it's been quite a while for me (although my cat snores and sleeps next to my head  :hehe2: ). Earplugs can be life (and marriage) savers. Still, for me, earplugs helped a lot, but weren't enough. My ex used to get really upset with me when I would finally leave the bedroom and go sleep on the couch after trying for an hour or more to fall asleep or would wake up a lot in the night. He felt like I was rejecting him. I probably would have ended up getting divorced anyway due to other issues, but I wish I'd had the sleep test MUCH sooner, so my ex (and I) could have understood that the fact I slept better alone was due to a physical problem, not a problem with him.

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  • 4 weeks later...

My lack of sleep is because of small humans. My small human offspring have not been properly trained to sleep in their own habitat, so it comes down to real estate. There is simply not enough room in our bed to fit me, my wife, and so many other people. Therefore, my wife usually sleeps in what use to be the phatmass studio, and I sleep by myself with multiple pairs of feet in my face and back.

We solved this problem by putting two queen beds next to each other to form a super bed. Now my spouse and I can be co-sharers in the midnight sufferings of small human offspring. We get to compare bruises in the morning.

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HisChildForever

I have generalized anxiety. In my youth I could sleep like a pro. But starting in 2010 my anxiety kicked in and it periodically resurfaces as sleep anxiety.

All of this makes me very particular about my sleep. I'm pretty regimented and my sister and husband joke/lament my inability to stay up past a certain hour. Reason being I start to panic because based on prior history, if I'm up too late I will miss the golden period where I can actually fall asleep.

If that happens and I'm up all night it can trigger a whole episode of sleep problems (like 6 weeks worth).

Recently both my husband and I got colds which as you can imagine impacts sleep. It's also caused my husband to start snoring a bit as his nose is stuffy.

It's also caused a bit of friction between us... Because it's sparked a round of sleep issues.

Does anyone else get sleep anxiety (where you get anxious about not sleeping and that in turn causes sleep problems? How do you manage? If you have a sleep partner whether same bed or same room or same house how do you keep things even keeled?

I have to go in a different room when I can't sleep as one of my anxiety management strategies. So "in the same house" counts too since I've turned our living room into my second bed of pain...

 

Maggie, how are things working out for you? I know it's been a month, but seeing this thread "bumped" and being able to read through it has me weirdly comforted that there are others with particular sleep habits. Well, here's the thing. I'm a low maintenance person, generally, but when it comes to sleeping conditions I'm high maintenance. First, I need a solid 8-9 hours of sleep to feel refreshed throughout the work day. Weekends, if I can sleep in I do sleep in. This past Friday into Saturday for example I got about 12 hours. Granted I was at the height of my cold. (Now I'm also a relatively light sleeper, so I do wake up to use the bathroom just about every night.) Anyway, I also need white noise. Like a fan. Or my lovely sleep friend my fiance bought me two Christmases ago.

 

But if I can hear music or a TV muffled through a wall there'll be no sleeping until it gets turned off. Unless I'm so absolutely exhausted. So here's my problem now. We just purchased a condo and the upstairs neighbors, a couple in their early 40s, their bedroom is right above ours. We slept over this weekend and I turned in just after midnight. Well it took me over an hour to fall asleep because I could hear their TV or music or whatever the heck it was. Was it obnoxiously loud? No. But I have incredibly sensitive and excellent hearing. Now I'm sleeping over there again tomorrow night and I hope to the Lord that they have it off by 11. But I will be bringing my sleep friend (lol) which I forgot this weekend. In my desperation I even bought little foam ear plugs while at the store tonight.

 

I'm hoping the white noise machine is my ticket to sleeping bliss because the thought of wearing ear plugs for the next x years has me feeling panicky. In fact I'm full of anxiety because if my white noise machine AND ear plugs don't work, I'm sol. Unless I make it a point to speak to my neighbors, which is an uncomfortable thought because I don't even live there yet. My fiance doesn't snore thank God. But he does wake up about 2 hours after me on a work morning, so he can stay up late, and he likes TV, and then I start panicking thinking that I'll be hearing our TV from the living room when I'm trying to fall asleep. 

 

I enjoy sleep. I love sleep. There's nothing so relaxing to me as bundling up under the covers in a cocoon of sleep-anticipated bliss. But these noises drive me nuts.

Edited by HisChildForever
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It's funny because I was in full freak out mode when I made the thread but as usual with my sleep therapy techniques I was able to reestablish my rythym. Oh for childhood when I didn't think about these things, I just slept easy. Sleep was my friend in those days, my comfort. I had a bad night last night but I'm not anxious about it, it was just inner turmoil that kept me up and I'm calm today.

I am just like you HCF but my bionic hearing doesnt kick into gear unless I'm already on "sleep watch." I also recognize myself in your worries about your strategies not working and having to be sleepless for years and years. However your personal strategies probably will work, because your brain has been trained to accept them.

When I am in the middle of an "episode" I don't really believe these things about the body resting when it needs to etc but my cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia CBTI has taught me those are truths I have to accept in order for sleep to be restored.

Edited by Maggie
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Would the actual bed help?  When my buddies and I went on a trip we once were on a California king that was memory foam.  I didn't even have a clue I was sharing a bed.  The dude who got the pull out was the unluckiest as it was all bumpy.  I think the guy in the cot slept better than him.  I got a memory foam now, it's a full because my apartments small, but my parents were able to sleep on it together and they said it was much better than their queen.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Just wanted to bump this again because I've found it such an enlightening read. Before my current flatmates I'd never really known anyone who struggled to sleep and there have been times when I've been completely unhelpful simply because I had no concept of what those struggles might be like. Thanks all!

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I've learned to live on 4 - 5 hours of sleep.  Weekends I might sleep as much as 7 one night if I'm really tired.   You do get more out of your day. 

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Nihil Obstat

Research I have read indicates that for people who are accustomed to chronic sleep deprivation to the point that they do not feel tired are actually just as impaired as those people who are not used to the sleep deprivation and do feel tired.

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Research I have read indicates that for people who are accustomed to chronic sleep deprivation to the point that they do not feel tired are actually just as impaired as those people who are not used to the sleep deprivation and do feel tired.

You say I'm impaired.  

I say I'm an outlier. 

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