Respecting Parents Vs Obeying

[MarysLittleFlower]

As I understand from Church teaching we are not bound to obey our parents in vocations unless it corresponds with God's Will... Is this the case? As hard and painful as this is i understand God's Will comes first. I was wondering if there's a difference in opinion, how do we still show respect for them as we discern? I understand listening to their views etc... But what is the difference between obeying and respecting our parents when it comes to vocations?

[Carla]

My opinion is that Vocation is on the top.If you are called no mater how much you respect or love your parents you have obligation to your self and to your Vocation.

Our parents love as above all but sometimes they do not see bigger plains for us.They want family and children for us and that is quite normal,they only want that we are happy.

But of course you need to respect your parents and try to talk with them.You need to understand also their side in this it is hard for them also.I think it is only shock at beginning later with time they will see it things in different way.I know some examples where parents react very negative at start,but with time it become more and more clear to them.It is long process and it demand time.I know sadly another examples where parents put too much pressure so some of my friends stop consider it.I wanted to say that family support is important and it is easier if you have it but if not it is not reason to stop it.I'm lucky,i have fully support from my family and to be honest my Discerning will be much harder without them.

 

[veritasluxmea]

No, that's not the case. Take into account what follows is completely my opinion (except for the parts about what the Church actually teaches) but is based off a lot of experience and though I've put into the issue. 

 

We are bound to obey our parents as children. We need them at that age; for guidance, our needs, and moral formation. Throughout our lives we need to respect them as our parents, even if they didn't fulfill their duty. However, as we grow it would be unhealthy (especially in today's society where it's normal to move out and become an adult during college) to continue to have the same relationship with them as we did when we were children. Our respect remains, but it will show itself in different ways. As children, we show that by our obedience, as adults, by supporting their needs and taking their wishes into account.

 

At a certain point, I'd say past age 18, maybe 20, you need to grow up and start making your own decisions regarding your life. (If you're younger than that, just wait and keep living in peace with your parents.) It may be prudent to continue to basically follow your parent's wishes even at that age, but it wouldn't be out of the same obedience you had as a child- it would be out of thinking over what they want, considering what God wants and what you want, and deciding that's a good way to go. 

 

As for vocations, the Church has never taught that. Vocations are between the person and God alone. Spiritual directors may help a person discern God's will more clearly, but they are supposed to be unbiased- it's God who does the leading towards a vocation, not the director. Parents are very much human, and can make mistakes, especially as it can be difficult to be unbiased where their children are involved. On some level, they will always see you as the little baby they once held in their arms no matter how old you are, that's just natural. Respecting your parents means you will always love them, treat them kindly, and help them for life. That doesn't mean you will obey their every wish, even what vocation they want you to pick, as an adult. That would be unhealthy.

 

When you are an adult, it wouldn't be disobedience to choose something other than what they wish or even order you to do. They do not quite have the same authority over you then as when you were a child, and God is first- their authority ends where God's begins, and vocations are between God and you alone. 

Edited January 21, 2015 by veritasluxmea

[MarysLittleFlower]

Thank you for the replies! Am I correct that this is not just cultural but the Church teaching, I mean regarding vocations? Of course its important to always help parents, love them, make sure they are taken care of in old age, respect their views.. But I think vocations is something up to God because He knows for sure and our first obedience is to Him..

[krissylou]

Well I can't cite a line in the Catechism.  But I can point to some examples well before our 21st century individualistic American society.

 

St. Clare of Assisi's parents disapproved of her desire to be a nun.  She snuck out of the house in the middle of the night to go off to the convent.

 

St. Francis wanted to make it clear that he was giving back EVERYTHING his family had given him and subsequently devote himself to God alone.  So he STRIPPED NAKED IN THE PUBLIC SQUARE to literally return even the clothes on his back.

 

(Editorial comment from Krissylou: please take this as a metaphor!  No public nudity for you!)

 

St. Thomas Aquinas was a little different -- his family would have been perfectly happy to see him as a comfortable and powerful Benedictine, probably an abbot.  But he wanted to be a simple Dominican friar (Dominicans were quite new then) and that was Not Okay.  His family had him tossed in prison (!!!) and sent prostitutes to his cell in order to tempt him away from chastity.  It didn't work.

 

It's not quite the same, but even before there were exactly "nuns" there were consecrated virgins and the stories of the first couple centuries are chock full of virgin martyrs who accepted death rather than marry pagans when their fathers had arranged such marriages.

 

Jesus said that someone who wanted to follow him but said "First let me return home and bury my father" was not worthy.  Luke 9:59.  (Note: Most scholars don't think this meant that Dad had just died and the funeral is tomorrow.   But the guy was saying "Well, my father's still alive, so I'm not really my own person yet.  Once my father has passed on, and I'm free to make my own choices, then I'm all yours."  And Jesus said no dice.)

 

Matthew 10:37 "Anyone who loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me."

 

I don't mean to diminish your situation.  It's hard.  It's very very hard.  But you're in some VERY good company.

 

(Just, please, don't get nekkid in the public square.  Thank you.)

[TheresaThoma]

Thank you krissy always with some good solid advice and a little bit of humor. though I second the plea for no public nudity....

[MarysLittleFlower]

Thanks! :) that's very true we are in good company... Thanks for the humour too to lighten up this thread :) I also finallyyy understand Luke 9!