My Weird Vocation Journey

[Yaatee]

​Of course you miss your mom; you wouldn't be much of a son if you didn't miss her. But you seem to like it there. And they like you (who knew?!). 

Notice how short your post is. No rant; no concerns; no feeling unsure what to do. 

 

I bet your mom's happy for you.  

​Hear, hear!   (Or is it here, here?  Anyway...)

[superblue]

Well things are getting , interesting.....  I have noticed how people here are still human, we have an elderly brother with a medical condition, the community is doing their best to care for him, but not so much in a charitable way to my surprise, a lot of talking behind his back, and worse is I see an hear all of this, and more . An I was thinking what in the world is going on... and at times i wanted to pipe up is this how i am going to be treated if i become that way. An to my surprise someone beat me too it but he is already professed so hence he can and it was more in a joshing nature.

* sigh *

 

That and I am being tied up and now pressured to push people into writting reference letters for me, i have to have reference letters from x y and z, z was teachers, and i just flat out told them that aint going to happen because i don't remember the ones from growing up, the ones that do remember me i don't want to ever talk to them again, and my college teachers, i never knew them.  And the Vocations director is past getting on my nerves, i would go into more but why bother.

The good thing is, with observing silence, and really no time to socialize with each other, the people that do bother me I do not have to interact with them really at all. But it is annoying when i ask for help, and i get, sorry i am busy, sorry that is not my job, sorry, sorry sorry.An i want to reply with, sounds a lot like me growing up and going to church and others in church, sorry i dont have time to pray, sorry i cant help you because of this and this, sorry sorry sorry. To tell ya the truth it would probably be in their best interest if I never professed with them, because when I do, after temporary vows / it means i qualify to be apart of the council and eventually be eligible to become in time prior and or subprior, and then at that time, they probably wouldn't appreciate what i have to tell them. But then again there are probably things a lot of you here want to tell me, and sometimes i listen , more often than not i completely disregard, and then there are those of you lucky enough to be on my ignore list so i don't ever see what you say.

There are though positive things going on as well... just too tired to keep on typing at the moment.

 

peace out homies.

[Yaatee]

Regarding references,  surely you needed references to be accepted in the first place. I assume that you have one from your priest.   What about references from other people working in your parish? What about from people you knew or got along with in previous jobs?  Your bosses or co-workers?  I think that a reference from someone not "official" who said that you got to work on time, did your work well, got along with others...would mean a lot in religious life.

[superblue]

so i wanted to pop back with a positive since the last wasn't super cheerful,  I started picking back up my art work, my family is doing well from what i am being told. We have had major positive changes to the community lately. The heat an humidity is pounding like crazy, I am back on my meds which does help, but doesn't cure a lot. More like I am able to persevere a bit better.  I have seen thus far, a rat snake, deer, armadillos, turtles, a baby rabbit, peacocks / an i kinda chase one on occasion to watch it fly away... turtles, and i made friends with an amesome cat.

Things here are not easy by a long shot. People are very independent , and  there are not many I can confide in with a lot of things that are on my mind or bothering me .... because they just do  not have the time.   Socializing is limited and not really conductive to really getting to a know a person and is more geared for the elderly to swap stories of yesteryear while the rest of us just sit there , no one really asks me personal questions..... it just is what it is an ya take it or leave it.

Prayer life though is growing, so that is probably worth more than anything....

but i look on the bright side, i am not in the Army any more. An i know deep down I am making the right choices for me in my life.

[Yaatee]

Peacocks??!!  Are there peacocks there in armadillo-land?

[superblue]

Took an anxiety pill today so i could get through serving at mass, and reading... BLEH

if anyone with severe anxiety can relate, you will understand, even with my medication i could feel my heart racing and i just had to start to sweat bullets, at least my voice didn't crack, and i didn't stutter or pass out.

But if i had the chance next time to choose between fighting satan hand to hand, or serving again, i would gladly accept a hand to hand combat vs satan.

[Luigi]

Took an anxiety pill today so i could get through serving at mass, and reading... BLEH

if anyone with severe anxiety can relate, you will understand, even with my medication i could feel my heart racing and i just had to start to sweat bullets, at least my voice didn't crack, and i didn't stutter or pass out.

But if i had the chance next time to choose between fighting satan hand to hand, or serving again, i would gladly accept a hand to hand combat vs satan.

I think the brother monks would support you in either endeavor, but I'm sure they'd rather have you serve. And I'm sure they're more forgiving of any errors than Satan would be - basically, they want you to succeed, and Satan doesn't.

[superblue]

I am telling ya, it was such a weird feeling , I haven't done it in sooo long, and then it looks easy right ? Seen mass performed so many times and you would think it would be en grained in me; i even practiced the night before with a friend, and for the most part i did pretty good, just a few parts during mass i had a problem with.. nothing major though , it was just nerves, and i know well enough that through time and practice things become easier, but still .... Anxiety is just not fun. ( even while on medication ).

[TheresaThoma]

I kinda know how you feel. This past weekend I was an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion and all I could think was "don't drop Jesus, don't drop Jesus". I'm sure this week will go better.

[superblue]

well i get to serve again coming up, don't think it can really be any worse than before and i have really been paying attention now that i know i am going up for round 2 to little details of what i should be doing at what part of the mass etc... 

I haven't had family over for a visit yet, the wounds of separating have not healed and i realized i am not ready. It would just be heart ache at  this point in time that i do not need added on to the depression and anxiety i have going on, and have had for so long now.

Christ is with me though, so I figure I must be doing something right..... I just can't really figure out what I am doing right....

I am seeing how I am still tired to a degree of living, this is deff a great and interesting journey, but with depression an anxiety... it all just feels like  i guess mortification in the negative sense of it.   But with no other options i keep coming back to this is the best option for me and my limits to have the best chance at doing something remotely good and honest with my life.

 

Lots of crosses I have gathered over time, and i hope to put them all into a book one day to share with the world.

[marigold]

I hear you, superblue. For some people, monastic life is the best and only option. Someone said it's the 'only alternative to madness', and I have had a little taste of what that means. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other; great things happen when we realise we've been walking on down the road and not even thinking of ourselves, and things have blossomed out around us

[superblue]

hmph,

 

well  I had an interesting conversation with my formation director a day or so ago that i am still reflecting on.

 

But first;  my mom has been a major rock for me, as a child and now into my early adult years or mid adult years ( pending of course the plethora of versions of what constitutes one entering or is in adulthood ) I joke about coming home tomorrow; i'll be like yup everything is fine, food is good, and then after all that i will just throw in okay well i'll be coming home tomorrow afternoon, an it catches her off guard each time an she bursts out laughing/// finally though she zinged me back and told me to shut up ! ( in a loving way though ).. she wants me to succeed , my family wants to persevere in this journey and the brothers are hoping i do as well.An then my formation director throws me for a loop... we were having a discussion and i can only paraphrase from what i remember because i only tend to remember the things that either irk me or really interest me in a good way. we were going on in our discussion about my progress here and i had mentioned not wanting to go back home having not given this my very best, and he replies with something similar to well you don't want to end up in a mid life crisis and really you don't have a home to go back too / can't go home.

More over I do remember for a fact him saying, that if i wanted to go back home before my novitiate would really only be " if i quit " and I am thinking again, ( wow, how about if i just DISCERN that this isn't for me)* and i know the reasons why they don't want me to return before my novitiate and really i do not need to. So I have to remind myself to try my best to remember as much of the convo as possible and over all to remember that they want me here or else my formation director would have told me to go home a long time ago.An i realize that I am going through some major changes in a short period of time, that might take a lot longer to get through. 

I think the hardest thing is my depression, i have to constantly fight it day and night. An i have my meds, and my other sources to talk things through and it helps. But it doesn't stop the pain any. Like i have a hard time just being happy here sometimes, I think sometimes that i should be beaming with excitement and joy over all the stuff i have coming up, and i am really just not that all bubbly about any of it and i think a major part is due to my depression.  Another thing I am experiencing is the missing of companionship, I don't have my mother in my life anymore which i am sure the entire world would say is a good thing. But heck i don't have a pet either to talk to and hug. Bro hugs are worthless to me. The idea i guess is to find that companionship with Christ and eventually God the Father...   

An I have been reflecting on that the monastic life for some ( which i think i fall into that category ) is the best and only option.

[beatitude]

Depression has a very nasty trick of making you feel that others don't want you or that you're no use to them. Probably this is what's causing you to worry that the formation director might want you to leave. If they felt that you weren't in the right place, they would tell you so simply and openly.

I have experienced depression myself, and I looked after people who suffer from it in a much more severe form than I did. I know that with depression it's difficult to feel bubbly anywhere. While your posts aren't overflowing with glee and sprightliness, they do seem to contain a deeper peace. To my eyes you appear at your calmest and most collected when writing about the monastery, and peace is a better indication that you're in the right place than bubbles.

Even if you aren't called to live your entire life as a monk, you're learning good things in your postulancy, and whatever you do in future will benefit from what you're doing now. Each day has its own gifts for you, so take it one day at a time and see where you get when you get there.

Edited August 7, 2015 by beatitude

[superblue]

just to clarify beatitude, my formation director was not in any way suggesting that i leave, he was though saying that it is time for me to move on with my life in and that i do not really have a home to go back to.

 

but thank you for your support, and i agree i am more calm and collected when writing, so perhaps i need to pick up writing in my journal again !

 

God Bless

[superblue]

 

Always something;

so we have scheduled adoration on Fridays, and we have to ring bells for our offices of prayer (Church tower bells ), so compline tonight was a big fluffy air extraction for me evidently ( which i might add i do not think should be )

No one here ever shows up for adoration on time as it is not required to attend ( for some odd reason go figure that one out ) but it is from a set time right after dinner until it is time for compline then everything is put back where it is supposed to go, lights go on, bells ring. That is my job, lights and bells.

NOW for some reason i decided to have a brain fluffy air extraction, i know on Friday nights nothing goes right by the book, because everyone here is a major whack a doo, because for some reason adoration from this time to that time isn't really what it is; it means from this time * until we are ready and might be a few minutes late from our regular schedule, why there isn't a * by this so i don't have to make mistakes is beyond me. Tonight i got all backwards and all i could think of was oh i don't have anyone to help me so i better go ring the bell now at the regular time instead of waiting for adoration to end, and then go flip the lights back as adoration ends. I NEVER DO THIS !

Well i knew i was in for it after the fact when i was locking up the church for the night and a semi friend / was waiting for me outside, i always know he has a criticism or is going to ask me to help with something if he is waiting on me, an as i am there i am like okay, an then i find out that the abbot had some super mad look on his face for me ringing the bells !  An i mean sheesh.

But at least my semi friend isn't coy or rude about correcting me on such things , and the abbot never reprimanded me about it,but chances are someone gave the word to inform me of my grievous error ! so i am not really worried but i'll probably apologize about it tomorrow when i see him...

One simple mistake is more often than not, major drama around here as if it is the end of the world.

 

My depression is still a roller coaster ;  i don't know when i will see my mom again nor i don't know if i will be emotionally ready to see her again when the time comes..... but this is the best and only real option i have at following Christ and I try my best to remember to remind myself daily that i have been blessed, despite having to deal with my depression on an ongoing basis.  I am occasionally writing personal prayers in my journal which i find helpful....