My Weird Vocation Journey

[marigold]

for those of you keeping tabs, I have formally been accepted for postulancy with the Benedictine order I have been discerning with and my entrance date is in a few weeks.

 

It is a humbling and gut wrenching time, but I know I am in good hands.

 

God Bless all who have been praying and rooting for me, it has been a long and painful journey to this point and I know now that I have a great family with these Benedictines it is an odd feeling sometimes, love and joy, when  I have personally not experienced it on a regular basis and have only known it passing by .  It will be interesting to see what the new me later in life has become and done.

​Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!

[superblue]

the days are getting closer, and I tell ya.... this is so much harder than joining the army.... my life has changed so much since then... I am not the carefree person I use to be and finding out I am more of an introvert than an extrovert or an introvert who at times wants to be an extrovert...... change becomes a monumental task...  I made the commitment an I am going to follow through and I know I just know everything is going to be okay , but sheesh I haven't had this much anxiety and my jaws have finally stopped clinching from stress, and one minute I am fine the next I am in knots... I am leaving a life of absolutely nothing, I have been unemployed for years now.... it doesn't make sense I should be overjoyed and excited it seems.... least I thought I would be, infact I was briefly and i dunno.... this isn't buyers remorse .... this is just a lot of painful anxiety.

 

packing and leaving is going to be simple enough , i don't have to drive i got family to take me up there..... i barely own anything some clothing an art supplies,,,, an  i need to learn to love art again so i can make some kind of contribution with it, or at the very least be proficient enough at it to make a profit for everyone at some point in time.

 

I know i will be just fine. I am going to people who actually want me in their lives which is amazing, and it is a beautiful life and monastery.

[Yaatee]

the days are getting closer, and I tell ya.... this is so much harder than joining the army.... my life has changed so much since then... I am not the carefree person I use to be and finding out I am more of an introvert than an extrovert or an introvert who at times wants to be an extrovert...... change becomes a monumental task...  I made the commitment an I am going to follow through and I know I just know everything is going to be okay , but sheesh I haven't had this much anxiety and my jaws have finally stopped clinching from stress, and one minute I am fine the next I am in knots... I am leaving a life of absolutely nothing, I have been unemployed for years now.... it doesn't make sense I should be overjoyed and excited it seems.... least I thought I would be, infact I was briefly and i dunno.... this isn't buyers remorse .... this is just a lot of painful anxiety.

 

packing and leaving is going to be simple enough , i don't have to drive i got family to take me up there..... i barely own anything some clothing an art supplies,,,, an  i need to learn to love art again so i can make some kind of contribution with it, or at the very least be proficient enough at it to make a profit for everyone at some point in time.

 

I know i will be just fine. I am going to people who actually want me in their lives which is amazing, and it is a beautiful life and monastery.

​Your anxiety is perfectly normal and shows how mature you are.  If you weren't anxious, it signifies that you don't realize the importance of the step you're taking. It's like not being anxious at your wedding (not as bad).;)  Good luck.

[John Paul]

Oh!I am so happy for you

Prayers!

[Luigi]

Super - Go in peace, to love and serve the Lord and your brothers. 

[Swami Mommy]

Congratulations, Super Blue!  Just remember that no matter where you go in life, there you are.  Don't be surprised or discouraged if you find your doubts and anxiety continue or intensify even stronger at first in the silence spaces of the monastery.  One of the things I grew most from in my stays in an ashram (monastery) was coming face to face with my own weaknesses, doubts, fears and utter aloneness.  Without the distractions of everyday living, these aspects of the personality have nowhere to hide and they will all bubble to the surface to be examined and released.  It can be VERY painful (but it's a pain that is beneficial).   Every time I perceived what I considered to be a dysfunction in the way things were done at the ashram or in the behavior of other people there that differed from my own internal barometer of correctness, I was forced to confront my own ego beliefs and assumptions that had been formed deep in the womb of my own childhood upbringing and personal history.  I had to work really hard to soften my heart, surrender my rigid will, and become willing to let my ego's unconscious defense mechanisms be worked on.  There were many days when I wondered what the heck I was doing there when the comparative ease of my ordinary life me back home beckoned to me.  It was tough to stick it out, but it was also wildly liberating.  Living in a monastery can be a spiritual and psychological boot camp for some considerable time before all one's dross is purged and the sweetness of total trust and faith occurs, but it is TOTALLY worth it.  I will pray that you have the support of your fellow monastic brothers as your spiritual, emotional and psychological housecleaning unfolds, and that your moments of pure grace and joy increase day by day.  You are so blessed to have a vocation and your intention to surrender to God's will in your life will bear great fruit if you continually renew your commitment to be shaped by the forces of Love.  

[Charbel]

J.M.+J.T.

That was beautiful Swami Mommy. And superblue, my joy goes out to you! I will pray for you in this time of anxiety and excitement. Please say a prayer for me as well, not as a return favor, but from the love in your heart. May the peace and love of God be with you and with you always!

[superblue]

aggravation , if it isn't one thing it is another, and I am choosing to vent my frustration carefully on here....  I keep finding out conflicting information from my vocations director, who is evidently also to busy to inform me of pertinent information before hand.  Can't just be grateful and happy, I always have to find something annoying..... and if I was really weak I would let this bs be enough to say forget it peace out.

 

But luckily I know the game well enough now to be able to persevere and recalling time spent in the army does help as well.... evidently I did learn a few things from my wretched time in the military.   

It is a shame though I have to hold back my vocabulary to a manner that is neutral in tone and not even remotely passive aggressive because I would really like to let loose at the moment at my v.d /   there is no more real world language when I cross the line, just learning more self control and patience.  Everything in life comes at a cost. Our Freedom is paid for in many way by our military and our freedom from sin was paid for by Christ, and living in world of compassion and mercy comes with learning how to bypass simple annoyances and not letting oneself become side tracked and giving in.

 

Learning to be a jedi in a sense\, Yoda comes to mind - { Fear leads to Anger, Anger leads to Hate. Hate leads to Suffering ( and thusly the Dark Side ) }

 

I am sure this will not be the last of my frustrations,,,,,,  George Lucas or the writers who came up with this stuff for Star Wars, to me some of the lessons could easily fit into the bible some where,  the comparisons are easy to see.... and it is true so what am I going to do continue to fear the transformation, get angry with little things and hate that things are not the way I want and then give up and stay home and suffer ? pft.

 

what is cool though is with the black habits Benedictines wear it would be far to easy to buy an actual light saber and have some fun.

which for what ever reason if it doesn't work out ( which isn't going to happen it is going to work out just fine( faith and trust in Christ is how I know plus other information as well that isn't mystical just conversations I have had before going in) and I get sick n tired of hearing holy clichés ) I am totally saving up to buy a light saber to get my geek on and start doing social geek events like comic con.

 

[Luigi]

"what is cool though is with the black habits Benedictines wear it would be far to easy to buy an actual light saber and have some fun."

It's already been done. https://www.facebook.com/SubiacoMonks/photos/pcb.799119370170102/799117133503659/?type=1&theater

 

But what the heck! The more, the merrier!

[Swami Mommy]

So, Super Blue, as per my earlier post's comments about the unmaskng of the ego as an essential part of the spiritual journey, I would say that your entrance into the inner cloister of your own heart's monastery has already begun!  This delay, if viewed with self awareness and with a sincere desire to begin to live the contemplative life, has the seeds of great self-discovery in it if you hold in your heart the uncomfortable feelings of thwarted desire and the subjugation of your will to the impersonal will, needs and timing of the monastery's requirements, and practice opening and breathing into the tension that not getting your own way creates.  This is just the beginning of the unravelling of many qualities of your ego that we ALL hold--impatience, willfulness, judgmentalism, fear, anger, self-involvement, bossiness--well, you get the idea!  Everything is unfolding exactly as it is meant to, and this great mystery of surrender will continue to be an ever-expanding unfoldment of all the ways you cling to your sense of personal doership and imagined control over your own destiny.  You have set your firm intention and your commitment to the religious life, so now all you need do is use every experience you are being given by your chosen order to develop your sense of trust that whatever happens is part of the fulfillment of your heart's longing.  God is helping you prepare the way for a greater space within you to receive and surrender to the abundant grace that is already being showered upon you. Remember, the contemplative life is a journey and not a destination, and even though it's lovely to have the company of like-minded spiritual brothers, this inner journey is ultimately a solitary pilgrimage that each must tread alone. The physical monastery itself is, after all, just geography.

[Swami Mommy]

[Swami Mommy]

Not quite sure why my last post didn't register.  I posted a photo of a biblical quote.  Oh well.  Disregard the empty post above!

[superblue]

 I appreciate the kind words, and support ~   

[superblue]

Well  I made it,  things are of a different feeling now, from going to just visiting to now being a postulant.

I am still adjusting emotionally but i am hopeful that i will settle in quickly , it is hard to say the least mentally and emotionally detaching from the known environment of home to a new environment that is a potential home but with a new family. I have great people surrounding me and i am blessed.

 

Just feeling really stupidly sad at the moment and i know it will pass. It is my depression is what it is an i hate it... I am reminding myself constantly to give this a real chance and to not count the days on when i can return home for a visit. I am really grateful that i can call and write home any time i want, I know some places don't allow that at all. An at the moment i am focusing on eating smarter and not giving into eating like i normally do when i am stressed out so i am good on that front. The prayer schedule is easy, an so far i am just easing into things with lite house chores.   I am also fighting the thoughts of i have to make this work because i have nothing to return to . It is true an not at the same time i can always go back home , but i would be back in the same boat struggling to survive, where here, i have a purpose.  mind boggling stuff.

 

An i also have a prayer and personal journal to get started on.

 

peace out

[TheresaThoma]

Good to hear from you! I'm glad that you are settling in. I will pray that you are able to get through this bout of depression.