My Weird Vocation Journey

[superblue]

Had a great visit with the Benedictines , learned a lot once again;  and will be returning for a third visit soon; probably in March some time.  Got some help on letting go of material things as my car finally died ( blew a head gasket ) literally 3 miles from the Abbey, so made a few phone calls, got a hotel for the night, and my car is now off to auction and proceeds are going to go to some charity.

 

And I do not miss that car at all.

 

One less mess to worry about.

 

Anyhow I found a real gem with these Benedictines,

My vocations director is not rushing me at all, which is great since I tend to jump the gun a lil, and the Abbot is one of the kindest people I have met and he feels more like a friend than like someone who is looking to be a boss if that makes any sense. Everyone there is just patient , honest , friendly and out going.The pros are out weighing any fears or cons I might have, but the fear is still real, which is odd... but I think the fear is good, it leads me to reflect and really do some soul searching and digging, instead of walking around with this pie in the sky thinking that everything is just peachy keen an happy go lucky zombieness;

 

the entire experience over all is very humbling.

 

 

[TheresaThoma]

Sounds like you are really in the right track then!

I once had a VD tell me that you should have a bit of fear when contemplating making such a big life change. 

Sorry about the car that is kinda of bummer being so close to the Abbey when it happened. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away blessed be the name of the Lord!

[superblue]

wow nearly started this thread 5 mnths ago, been discerning a religious life for years now,,,, going back to the Abbey probably the second week in March, that will make my 3rd visit, and hopefully they will see I am ready to start some paper work......

 

everything is just like being back in basic training/ the military, hurry up and wait. I am realizing  I am less comfortable being at home, in that , this is where all my bad habits are, my laziness , where as back at the Abbey, the structure is there to focus on prayer, and work, and who I am, and where I am going. I think ima stick to here the VS threads for a while, seems more productive around here than the others......what else I like about this order , is the priesthood is still a very real option for me, and at an extremely better pace, I wouldn't be bombarded with a 12 hr + class schedule from what I understand for this order and those that are accepted the classes for the priesthood are flexible.  But my first focus is becoming a Benedictine, rather getting into the postulancy.

 

Really the hardest part I have had at the Abbey is from like 730 pm - 10 pm, I get stir crazy and I have to read or listen to the radio,   I did notice in the last visit coming home I missed out a lot on the news, when I came back I think the thing with ISIS killing Coptic Christians either had or just happened, and some other minor bs news in politics that is the same be it now, or 10 yrs ago..... So I really do need to keep an eye on a news paper from time to time or check the internet on occasion to see what is going on. I also noticed feeling odd in that , or maybe humbled, at what true blessings are....

here I was thinking and at times still do, feel like my life isn't that great,  and to hear others about their views be it from online or family about how hard religious life is, to then be at the Abbey, and see what real peace is like, and to then get hit straight in the gut with what ISIS is doing to people, not just people but our brothers and sisters in Christ, in the middle east and abroad......

an I am like, who am I to have life so good, and I see how careful I have to be to not become detached from world issues to not let myself be desensitized any longer to violence  and to remember what I felt, and to keep those people and other interests I have at heart in my constant prayers, not just one day, or one Lenten season, but every day.  An then I am learning about the stability of prayer and work, it could be very easy to be consumed by prayer, so having to focus times of the day on issues to pray about instead of feeling rushed to get them all in one swoop. An then be ready to move into the chores n work duties of the day.

 

 

[MarysLittleFlower]

I do believe that being a contemplative and praying can help people like the Coptic Christians in a very special way.. And your prayers and work can be applied by God to people and situations that you might not find out until Heaven.

I think it was Archbishop Sheen who said that peace is preserved more by nuns praying in their convent than by politicians discussing peace. Contemplative vocations are needed if we want to help the people in the world.

As for having a peaceful life while others are suffering - religious have their own struggles, and in the end all that matters is doing God's Will for you and following your own vocation. Some are missionaries, others are contemplative, etc.

[marigold]

hurry up and wait

 

Hahaha! :)

 

Seriously though it sounds like you've got your head screwed on the right way. I'm looking forward to hearing what happens.

[superblue]

Hahaha! :)

 

Seriously though it sounds like you've got your head screwed on the right way. I'm looking forward to hearing what happens.

Ty, it doesn't always feel like it, and I realized the only answer to hurry up and wait is perseverance !

 

I am just hoping after this next visit that my VD will feel that I am ready to start the application process.

 

And if not then I just have to persevere !  Cause I figure if I let my impatience get the best of me all that does is show them I am not ready, so go figure.  An it aint like the world is going to end any time soon so why rush.  * shrugs *

[superblue]

My third visit coming up,

 

I am still going through that rollercoaster of emotions and doubt, but I notice I am not stopping nor wanting to stop moving forward, I just hope an pray that they will bring this to a conclusion after this visit in the form of the application packet ( which would be mailed to me I am told ), and if not that they will at least continue to show interest and be reassuring that I am on the right path with them.

 

in a way this process is sickly similar to dating, not knowing if the person you like, likes you back, and you are putting your best foot forward and hoping for the best, and you cant push things cause then ya come off as desperate, but if ya wait too long you are left wondering how long you are going to dangle in the wind or are being toyed with.

[superblue]

okay so visit number c is coming up next week, and I am looking forward to it, and I had a fun filled drama in ending a friendship with this female friend I spoke of earlier in this thread;  it is one of those things where it is best to not talk about too much and surly not to anyone important. Though I had to figure things out on my own, and when I stepped back and looked at what happened , the friendship was really just another crutch, the kindness we shared towards each other might have been real, who knows, but I see that I was trying to have two relationships and this one with her needed to end, and there would have been no good way to end it. THAT being said, here is the kicker, when I was discerning with a Franciscan order, I had no real female friends in my life at the time, none that I was actually interested in on a real level.... well the VD there during my interview had asked me at the time if I was dating anyone at the moment or something along that line.... An I was dumbfounded, I was like how am I supposed to discern a religious life and date at the same time ? That question went no where fast and I remember him dropping it just as fast as he asked it.  An then here I am seeing how i might have in a way done just that. An if that is what i did, i am split. I was glad to have known her, but i could have passed on the heart ache of breaking the friendship off or would have preferred it to end in a better way than it did, but at least it didn't end with drop dead an that type of drama, it was more of what in the world just happened ? Like having a bunch of good in your life just swept away over night. With no real reason, but after i cooled down i knew the reasons an i just didn't listen to myself i can play back things and go come on; i saw this coming and i tried to prepare myself.....  oh well, or perhaps Christ was the one preparing me an showing me and i was like it will be okay i won't make a big deal about it an when it is time to move on it wont be a big deal.

At least it didn't take me months on end to heal up on, and the reality of relationships is it takes a lot of what i don't have, an i see more an more of what i do have towards a religious vocation and if i let myself to be nurtured in this endeavor an to free my emotions and all that i am to the formation process, this little spark i have for Christ and the Church can be a very big fire. So it is just riding that roller coaster to the very end and keeping one foot following the other forward, and not being afraid to get back up time an time again. I have heard that the emotions the fear an bad days don't go away in a religious life, it really is like a marriage, you take the bad with the good and keep moving forward and learning from mistakes.

 

Other than that i am rather surprised at seeing the views on my thread,  the responses i get from time to time are great and i appreciate it an it just makes me wonder who else is out there.

[marigold]

We love you superblue!

[santera]

Is there any chance that you could Skype with the girl who lives 'states away' from you or any other girl/woman you are attracted to?  It is important that you decide whether you are attracted to women once and for all, before pursuing religious life.

 

[superblue]

the situation worked it self out and things are over santera and there are no other females outside of family that are in my life.

 

Ty for the support marigold and everyone keeping tabs on me, prayers are always appreciated.

[superblue]

 

 

Okay I hit the spoiler thing twice cause I didn't know what it was.... nor how to really use it.

My third visit with this Benedictine order as a vocations guest, is finally over !

And now I begin the Postulancy !  Pretty neat.  It is so much to absorb.  It is all very surreal; I have gone through so much in life in general, and who hasn't. To ride out so many brutal tough times in life, and trying so hard to be an extroverted person to realizing that is not who I am and that it is okay, and not a bad thing. To starting to finally take my relationship with Christ seriously, and my prayer life seriously, and to see my prayers for others being answered, and yet so terrified to pray for myself.....  To now realizing I need to start praying for something I never realized I needed until now which is to be able to feel joy again.  Right now my emotions are in a big state of confusion and flux. My depression i think plays a part in not understand what real joy feels like, so it is a new feeling in a way, but i am starting to understand what peace and calm is, and it is such a real blessing for me. I have so much in place for the upcoming move so I don't crash and burn emotionally , and this is in thanks to a top notch Vocations Director, who really cares about me. My depression I am battling the best I can and my fears of detaching from home. Which is crazy, I have done it before, an I think again the depression an anxiety are the reasons for it being an issue an why it is harder to break away from home emotionally this time around; and nothing is written in stone I can leave the postulancy any time an be like thanks but no thanks, but I think deep down I know this is the real deal an thus the bitter sweet feelings I am having at the moment.

what I found wild is that they have access to the internet in the library, something I never even thought about asking about while I was there. I only found out the day I left an was like pft for the better I didn't have that distraction, so I can keep everyone here updated as the months progress, and family. Here is the scary kicker, my novitiate ( pending my physical and psy exam are good, and I am confident after my postulancy to want to go forward that is I know there is a real calling and the brothers vote me in ) would begin this year and before my birthday . Yikes.

I am so glad Christ knows what He is doing, because I really have no clue what I am doing other than trying my best to follow Him.

Lead, Follow, or get out of the way,

I have gotten out of the way so long in life, I have followed all the wrong people too many times, and I know I am far from being able to lead anyone or anything.

Though now I am forcing my problems out of my way by following Christ through the rule and leadership of St. Benedict, and I know I can persevere , I did that in the Army, an one day I will be stronger than I was back then; mentally, physically and spiritually; to help so many people in unseen ways through my prayers and letting Christ shine through me.

 

Lastly a note on the brothers, they are wonderful, I have been told to be careful an patient cause lots of personalities under one roof an I am like where are they ? I have visited 3 times and haven't seen it, so less everyone is putting on an act for me and I doubt it, then I think all is well. Plus I am learning to just keep my mouth shut for the time being till I am certain of everyone and it makes it easier for people to get along with me when I am not constantly yapping and I assess the situation at hand to see the moods of those around me and who looks like might enjoy some conversation. I have become friends rather fast with a few of the brothers and I find it wonderful to have real friends for a change who care about me.  I couldn't find a better group of men anywhere, and I am certain that i can over come any problems with ease should they ever arise because i am understanding myself better.

[marigold]

That's amazing news, superblue! Congratulations! When do you move in?

[orapronobis]

 

Hidden Content

Hidden Content

Okay I hit the spoiler thing twice cause I didn't know what it was.... nor how to really use it.

My third visit with this Benedictine order as a vocations guest, is finally over !

And now I begin the Postulancy !  Pretty neat.  It is so much to absorb.  It is all very surreal; I have gone through so much in life in general, and who hasn't. To ride out so many brutal tough times in life, and trying so hard to be an extroverted person to realizing that is not who I am and that it is okay, and not a bad thing. To starting to finally take my relationship with Christ seriously, and my prayer life seriously, and to see my prayers for others being answered, and yet so terrified to pray for myself.....  To now realizing I need to start praying for something I never realized I needed until now which is to be able to feel joy again.  Right now my emotions are in a big state of confusion and flux. My depression i think plays a part in not understand what real joy feels like, so it is a new feeling in a way, but i am starting to understand what peace and calm is, and it is such a real blessing for me. I have so much in place for the upcoming move so I don't crash and burn emotionally , and this is in thanks to a top notch Vocations Director, who really cares about me. My depression I am battling the best I can and my fears of detaching from home. Which is crazy, I have done it before, an I think again the depression an anxiety are the reasons for it being an issue an why it is harder to break away from home emotionally this time around; and nothing is written in stone I can leave the postulancy any time an be like thanks but no thanks, but I think deep down I know this is the real deal an thus the bitter sweet feelings I am having at the moment.

what I found wild is that they have access to the internet in the library, something I never even thought about asking about while I was there. I only found out the day I left an was like pft for the better I didn't have that distraction, so I can keep everyone here updated as the months progress, and family. Here is the scary kicker, my novitiate ( pending my physical and psy exam are good, and I am confident after my postulancy to want to go forward that is I know there is a real calling and the brothers vote me in ) would begin this year and before my birthday . Yikes.

I am so glad Christ knows what He is doing, because I really have no clue what I am doing other than trying my best to follow Him.

Lead, Follow, or get out of the way,

I have gotten out of the way so long in life, I have followed all the wrong people too many times, and I know I am far from being able to lead anyone or anything.

Though now I am forcing my problems out of my way by following Christ through the rule and leadership of St. Benedict, and I know I can persevere , I did that in the Army, an one day I will be stronger than I was back then; mentally, physically and spiritually; to help so many people in unseen ways through my prayers and letting Christ shine through me.

 

Lastly a note on the brothers, they are wonderful, I have been told to be careful an patient cause lots of personalities under one roof an I am like where are they ? I have visited 3 times and haven't seen it, so less everyone is putting on an act for me and I doubt it, then I think all is well. Plus I am learning to just keep my mouth shut for the time being till I am certain of everyone and it makes it easier for people to get along with me when I am not constantly yapping and I assess the situation at hand to see the moods of those around me and who looks like might enjoy some conversation. I have become friends rather fast with a few of the brothers and I find it wonderful to have real friends for a change who care about me.  I couldn't find a better group of men anywhere, and I am certain that i can over come any problems with ease should they ever arise 

Oh my gosh congratulations!!   

[superblue]

Ty, looks like some time early April at the moment, waiting on my application packet, and i'll have to move a bit fast ,this week with out waiting I can getting copies of school transcripts an my baptismal record, the autobio I am keeping simple I can probably get started on that too..  the medical exam is going to be a pain cause I have to find a clinic set an appointment.

 

lots of good stuff ahead, my VD is being ordained in April an he would like me there to witness that , so I think we were talking around the third week in April.

Something neat I also found while I was there, being Italian , well the area I am in is predominately Sicilian , so the celebrate St.Josephs'  Altar ,  I never heard of it till now, what the kicker is, turns out I am a 4th generation Sicilian , and my mother knew of the tradition ! an I was like  how come I am finding all this out now and why have we never celebrated it, we love to eat ! she just laughed, oh well. now I know.  an the only word I know in Italian is estupido  ( probably misspelt ) but my grandmother taught me that one by mistake as a kid.

any how I shall keep posting updates here, no telling how this will go in the postulancy, I expect it will be fine, but not having a crystal ball I guess technically something could change things ( which is something I find odd, God calls us to a vocation, but candidates for seminary and even postulants sometimes end up discerning out, is that the person acting on their own free will to not follow a calling, or simply God / Christ calling the person else where, using that time to prepare the person for something else )

Thanks again to those who have prayed for me and I shall be around.

Peace.