My Weird Vocation Journey

[superblue]

The chips have fallen today, God said move, and I did. I believe that God is speaking to me through my heart an soul and for what ever reason as it may be at the moment, I am on the right path in my decision making even though  I am not happy .

~ Sic semper tyrannis / Venimus, Vidimus, Deus vicit ~

[Sister Marie]

Are you alright, Superblue?  

Prayers for you at this time.

SM

[Swami Mommy]

Superblue, could you be a little less cryptic so we can understand what's happening?  What's going on?  I'm praying for you as you meet what seems to be another challenge.

[superblue]

Okay,

 

My last comment here was in regards to a problem I was having with two community members, it wasn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but I felt the two to be going out of their way to either criticize me or going out of their way to just make my day harder than it needed it to be and neither understood who was directly in charge of me for the simple fact that my F.D did not want to do his job and in turn just wanted to be left alone.

It is surprising though Swami, that ya took it to mean I was leaving, because that is what in the end has happened.

I was not happy at the Abbey, I tried very hard to make things work and to overlook problems that I saw ( not imagined ) and I had a good exit and am welcome back any time; though honestly I do not see my self ever wanting to return.  Now had I kept sticking things out which I realized I can do, I realized I shouldn't have to though and that in this circumstance for a life long commitment and spiritual journey it wouldn't be healthy for me to just continue sticking things out and not being happy there but merely superficially content. Had I sticked it out though,,,,,, I would still have to deal with breaking away from my real home, where I realized I do have friends that care about me and that my family does need me.  An more over I need all of them.  The atmosphere at the Abbey is what I saw to be very superficial; I was told I was loved ,and was looking at everyone like a family, but  I never felt loved, and I did not feel after awhile that people were family to me. So that in the end is enough to say goodbye. To go any further is just to be gossipy on here for people to drool over and I might be seen as being petty to air out my grievances here so please do not ask me to elaborate anything else about my experience.

I thought I had a calling to a religious life, but I don't; upon leaving I was told that there would be changes made based upon a meeting I had with my SD and he shared that with another council meeting that took place; and that I should feel good about that, but it didn't make me feel any better, if anything I felt embarrassed.  I guess my journey might have been to go to that Abbey and to go through what I went through so that upon leaving changes would be made for others to not go through what I went through down the road, and I guess what  I went through with my diocese in regards to the seminary was for me to experience some pain that I was ignoring that needed to come to light. I am not in a sad place at the moment, I am far from being heart broken, if anything I am honestly happy, happy to be back with my family, estatic that I had a great Christmas with my family and finally got to see my nephew again, and I got to see my brother an his family on Skype which was amesome cause his daughter my new niece is a beauty .  Though there is the underlying reality that I face now, which a giant hurdle that a lot of Americans are in which is the unemployment department. I seriously doubt an employer would care that I have been in a monastery for 6 months and will merely look at me having been unemployed for far too long.  What is even an odder feeling is knowing that I am going to be okay in life, even if I do become homeless.  I hope I don't, but ya never know and the odds are not really stacked in my favor. Though I have been indirectly struck by lightening while driving my car; so who knows I guess I could win the lottery.

 

So I hope to get involved in my parish again, people there I knew from being a religious ed volunteer were happy to see me and glad to hear I was back, and my small parish I am in feels like a family, I recognize faces more than I know names there.  Right now I wont be getting back to work any time soon,  I might be visiting an uncle sometime early next year, and my mom is going to need knee surgery and that will require constant attention when that finally happens.... I have hopes, and dreams of losing weight, and finding a woman  to be with in life, and to some how either craft an sell things on ETSY for a small income or to get a trade that I can tolerate and end up I dunno I guess getting a work truck and doing local work an be self employed... really the only things I see for myself at the moment.

blah blah blah blah blah yada yada yada yada

 

okay well I hope yall had a very Merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year !

 

[Luigi]

Thanks for the update, and the honesty. Good to hear from you. 

I have one word about employment: PLUMBING!!! 

[Antigonos]

2 hours ago, Luigi said:

Thanks for the update, and the honesty. Good to hear from you. 

I have one word about employment: PLUMBING!!! 

Yes, I've never heard of an unemployed plumber, or electrician.

The main thing is that you should feel content with your decision, and now move forward.  All experiences are ultimately valuable, although it might not seem so at the time.  Best wishes.

[superblue]

My thread has 12,000 some odd views, that is absolutely insane....

 

now the trick is to get a dollar for every view right ?  how do I send the internet a bill for that one ?

[marigold]

Glad to hear from you, super, and I sympathise with the realities of coming and going from regular life, especially with jobs and catching up with family. These things aren't necessarily bad, but it's a somewhat unique experience and it's good of you to go into it with an open heart and little/no bitterness. I, for one, will continue to read and enjoy your updates whatever happens  

[superblue]

Mandatory fun, I had that in the army as well. In a religious setting it is known as recreation time. Both are very misleading, though when done as an option or at least with out string attached it can be positive. I was reflecting on both just now.. In the army it was horrible as a single solider when all I wanted to do was either catch up on some much needed sleep, and grab a bite to eat or go get into some real trouble off base with the fake friends I had at the time which was beyond fun at that point in time to now being forced to socialize with a unit of the worst people imaginable brought together because the officers wives decided to torcher everyone because it would be " fun " to be one big happy family. The only up tick was it was beyond easy to escape as there was just beyond too many of us to keep track of so on the rare occasion when it did happen we would merely show up for roll call, mingle for 2 minutes and disappear .

What could possibly be irritating or similar to rec time for a male religious community.... ? Now not all experiences are the same granted, not all religious rec time is the same, some communities have a parlor of sorts with plenty of card games etc to actually enjoy and relax. Though here was the problem, the community I was in was on the retirement side of life. An what do the elderly love to do ? Sit, drink a beverage, and talk. Sometimes it was funny. But most of the time it was reminiscing of people of yester year, and then finishing the story with that persons tragic death, which at times did not include a happy death and thus put a giant damper on the story in general, kind of like sharing a really funny joke in an elevator going up to the top floor, and then mid way someone passes gas, an you are left with that for at least 3 more ticks up the ride. So mind you now this is your life, it is MANDATORY, if you do not show, everyone notices and starts talking about you, and you will have to explain yourself at some point. One could try to bring up a plethora of topics as is done on here for a conversation, but then you have to remember your order unofficial rank in the pecking order. So the mood is set by the top ranking three, which can be infuriating especially when time an again you are the outsider having to listen someone talk about people you have never heard of in your life, which might not be a bad thing if you were to one day meet that person, at least with in the following month, but not likely... why ? because you are in formation and don't get out often let alone are allowed to speak* to outsiders. ~ Gasp you say ~? this is how one gets to know ones new family and the lives of those in it; well.. agreed, and good in Moderation, but consider this might happen over and over and over, to the extent that your new family, never asks about your old family, your interests, nothing, you are just expected to sit there and yuk it up and nothing more until you have been there long enough to actually take the floor for a conversation. It can be dragging. I found this to be happening in my situation, and at first I thought it was just me, until I realized those in formation with me were just as ignored, and the seniority were really the only ones engaging  and directing the conversations, and what I found even more hilarious, is if I and my cohorts in formation were to engage in a side conversation or talk about something from the secular world that the rest were unfamiliar with, all of a sudden it became a , woah what are you two talking about ? and not with interest but with this underlying feeling of please do not talk about something we are unfamiliar with in front of us and please include us in the discussion ( even though there is a loud conversation already taking place ). So pick an order now, any, and look at their daily schedule, it is scheduled down to the hour, work is usually consisting of chores and jobs to be done on the property, then take into consideration having that you are on the bottom of the pecking order , you are " loved " but are expected to keep your place and not rock the boat, and now you are also told to keep either a rule of silence through out the day, or at certain times of the day, but now are forced into a mandatory recreation time, you now have at least 30 minutes to talk about what ever it is you want ....  IF it is something worth the the attention of everyone involved, because you can't just expect everyone to want to be engaged in what is on your mind. Now strike off at least 15-20 minutes for the top three leaders to get their talking in ...

rinse and repeat. it can become very, very, very draining if one ends up in that situation . To then just sit there begging God to end the topic that is going on and to give you a full bladder or worse so you can make a run for the restroom. Or you work on your jedi skills and tune it all out and put a smile on your face, and laugh when they laugh and nod when they nod and go some where else mentally. I was able to do that on occasion. But what is not given, is an option. An option to just be excused from the repetition to either pray on your own, or be left alone in your room, or dabble on the internet if your community has access to it for its members ( which really, why does a religious order need that for its' members, when the telephone and the USPS works just as fine to contact family and friends ) and should really be left for business related issues to keep the grounds running. ( OH NO AN OPINION ! )

Had I been able to fast forward and be 65-70 yrs old, that security of a recreation routine I could see as very comforting , but mandatory fun and mandatory rec time, just isn't for everyone and I was beyond disappointed that there was no leeway , except though now here is the kicker, for those who were already professed. That is the big secret I found out, at least for my community. If they were already professed and didn't want to go to rec time. They were not technically allowed to just arbitrarily not attend, but there were brothers and priests who did, some with good reason, others just because they knew good n well that there was no consequence for not showing up as they have been there for x amount of years as solemnly professed. An there is the irony, I was expected to be there, while others were just chalked up to oh well he has a problem and we are not going to address it and it is better he isn't here with the group at rec time because he just gossips or this n that.

 

This isn't a rub, but merely an insight. no not everyone experiences the same thing, but this is what I experienced and is something to look out for and then if one does come across something similar, you have to decide, can you tolerate it for the long haul, and can you accept the situation as it is and know that this only a fraction of your day of your life. Or is it going to grind on you and wear you down. Neither of which is a negative, it just is a fact, look at it as erosion, it isn't good or bad, it is just something that naturally happens.

[Swami Mommy]

Superblue, perhaps the monastery you were in just wasn't a good fit for you.  I can imagine how difficult it would be to be at the mercy of others' interests and styles of relaxation if one's fellow brothers are in different life passages/decades than you.  That being said, however, what things did you observe and learn about yourself, i.e. your ego's desire to have things your way, your capacity for working with and surrendering to tedium, dullness, exclusion, dominance by others, etc.?  The daily mundane aspects of living in ANY community (religious OR secular) are perfect vehicles for eliciting all the subtle ways our egos have of resisting what is, trying to control outcomes, and needing things to be a certain way in order to feel happy, validated and content.  Religious life in some ways is like a spiritual boot camp and is not for the faint of heart.  It requires self-discipline, humility, a willingness to use what comes up in a positive way without assigning blame, psychological and spiritual self-inquiry, contemplation, and a genuine willingness to be molded and transformed moment by moment from within.  Without that understanding and willingness to use the grist for the mill, ANY place one ends up in life will only bring disappointment and suffering.  Perhaps you might benefit from looking at all the things that bothered you about your time in the monastery and search for the common psychological elements within you that precipitated your dissatisfaction in any particular situation.  What were the underlying similar feelings you experienced?  Where are their core roots in your childhood upbringing and in your personal past?  What unhealthy or negative psychological tendencies within you arose in various situations that you can work on to understand, release and reshape through love and gratitude?  Your time in the monastery has probably given you a wealth of psychological and emotional material to work with.  Your tendencies and reactions are the product of a lifetime of habitual ways of being in your life.  Some ways of being may have served you well, but I would guess that reframing your behavior by looking at your reactions as defense mechanisms instead of as justifiable responses to untenable situations that made you want to assign blame could be fruitful if you want to grow and glean all the gifts that your time in the monastery offered you.  Your time there was not wasted if you learn how to see with the eyes of impersonal curiosity and self-exploration.  Become your own research subject.

[superblue]

11 minutes ago, Swami Mommy said:

perblue, perhaps the monastery you were in just wasn't a good fit for you.  I can imagine how difficult it would be to be at the mercy of others' interests and styles of relaxation if one's fellow brothers are in different life passages/decades than you.  That being said, however, what things did you observe and learn about yourself, i.e. your ego's desire to have things your way, your capacity for working with and surrendering to tedium, dullness, exclusion, dominance by others, etc.?  The daily mundane aspects of living in ANY community (religious OR secular) are perfect vehicles for eliciting all the subtle ways our egos have of resisting what is, trying to control outcomes, and needing things to be a certain way in order to feel happy, validated and content.  Religious life in some ways is like a spiritual boot camp and is not for the faint of heart.  It requires self-discipline, humility, a willingness to use what comes up in a positive way without assigning blame, psychological and spiritual self-inquiry, contemplation, and a genuine willingness to be molded and transformed moment by moment from within.  Without that understanding and willingness to use the grist for the mill, ANY place one ends up in life will only bring disappointment and suffering.  Perhaps you might benefit from looking at all the things that bothered you about your time in the monastery and search for the common psychological elements within you that precipitated your dissatisfaction in any particular situation.  What were the underlying similar feelings you experienced?  Where are their core roots in your childhood upbringing and in your personal past?  What unhealthy or negative psychological tendencies within you arose in various situations that you can work on to understand, release and reshape through love and gratitude?  Your time in the monastery has probably given you a wealth of psychological and emotional material to work with.  Your tendencies and reactions are the product of a lifetime of habitual ways of being in your life.  Some ways of being may have served you well, but I would guess that reframing your behavior by looking at your reactions as defense mechanisms instead of as justifiable responses to untenable situations that made you want to assign blame could be fruitful if you want to grow and glean all the gifts that your time in the monastery offered you.  Your time there was not wasted if you learn how to see with the eyes of impersonal curiosity and self-exploration.  Become your own research subject.

That particular monastery was now in reflection not a good fit for me at all. An that makes the entire experience hard to learn from. Though i did meet a few good people.... there was beyond to much of the same thing I was witnessing in the real world that was taking exactly verbatim in this particular monastery and  I can not convince anyone here of that, and i appreciate the psychological insinuations in a kind manner, I have pondered that topic alone for a very long time, and have realized who i am a long time ago, an am finally accepting that and loving that a lot and am no longer wanting to be afraid of who i am.  An I have also realized, I am in the same boat as the rest of the psychopaths , sinners and saints. An if I  wasn't, life would be really boring. I have experienced something that was not right for me, but is something most men won't ever even attempt. My experiences in the army at a young age has indeed been cemented in me and can not be undone, But that doesn't mean that is my identity as a whole either. What i did realize is that the leadership i encountered in the military was not very different from the leadership i was experiencing at this particular monastery, and i only wish i had seen that before i entered and could have saved myself the time, but everything does happen for a reason not by accident, I did make a positive impact thankfully and that credit isn't mine; I don't think many can say that often. All of this now is merely to empty myself and make room for something or someone else that is coming down the pipe and maybe someone can apply some of it to their life some how down the road .

[superblue]

one issue I couldn't get over, was how lavish the food was. here was a place where I was hoping to see the walk being walked. I can understand having the need to have to hire a service to cook for the monastery being that 90% were beyond too old to prep and cook meals. I did find it though hypocritical to spend a big budget on hiring a top end food service to replace a the cheaper one at the time, while just outside the monastery are plenty of people going with out. I also found it hypocritical to have a St. Joseph Altar, but not for the poor, another high end catered event that was aimed at lavishing the rich donors who donated money. While the most that was being done was baking bread, which is a great ministry, feeding the poor, but to spend money on making sure the monastery is fat an happy instead of using said money to renovate the bakery, maybe even get it up to OSHA standards ( which it wasn't ) so that at the very least the monastery could also sell bread on top of donating it, seemed insane to me.  But what ever right, just leave if ya don't like it. An thankfully I did. I couldn't wait 10 plus years to earn the seniority to be taken seriously in my opinions. I can understand not being able to do a lot being in an elderly community , but with a big city right outside the gates, rich donors in abundance and a strong secular network at the finger tips of the monastery, everything that was being done there seemed to be an incredible self indulgence and a waste of time and money. But again when at the top of the chain, one gets to decree what is best for " the community " so I had to figure, do I just want to survive with a community, kick the can down the road a bit further in hopes that someone else down the road will make obvious much needed changes.

Plenty of farming could have been reinstituted on the grounds as the land is in abundance, and was at one point an active farm. Again it wasn't as if I wanted to see the elderly slaving away, but with the way the world is today, with programs such as WOOF, NGOs abound left n right, a plan could have been created to set aside some land for farming at least one staple item.

What was even sadder is having no one to turn too with problems I was having outside the monastery at home, issues I couldn't control, and personal conflicts with excessive gossiping  of a negative nature. I was being told by my S.D too really only come and talk to him for actual spiritual direction, my formation director gave all indications he was not interested in having to deal with any problems but his own and so I had no outlet, at least not where it was needed. I also found it disturbing that if someone outside the monastery was a rich donor, or knew the abbot well enough and could afford it, then a marriage at the monastery church could be arranged, other than that it was not an option open to the public.

I saw that this monastery was becoming nothing more than a local tourist attraction, with goals of updating and making a state of the art welcome center, and renovating a building to host visitors.  maybe next time  I will address how the community felt they had the right to be harsh to an elderly member because during his life there while his health was good, he was as they put it " passive aggressive ",  and at his death nothing more was done than what was prescribed by tradition and rules, and nothing was ever spoken of him in kindness the night of his death at recreation time, nor the following days. An it wasn't due to personal morning over him. It was just flat out gratitude that he was no longer around. An that he was no longer a thorn in their side.

Though on the superficial surface, it is a great place, very welcoming,  kind, prayerful and understanding.

no need to share any analyzation thoughts on how I possibly misinterpreted my situation, you wouldn't try and rationalize any of this if my story was about personal physical abuse and try to tell me that the person who is abusing me is merely being misunderstood and that I just need to learn from the situation and move on. It is my thread, my story, you are not being asked to enjoy it. An if I wanted to tuck this away in my physical journal and chuck it in the dumpster when I have filled all the pages of the book, I would have. But I feel it better to again empty this out here. an not bottle it up.

[AveMariaPurissima]

1 hour ago, superblue said:

no need to share any analyzation thoughts on how I possibly misinterpreted my situation, you wouldn't try and rationalize any of this if my story was about personal physical abuse and try to tell me that the person who is abusing me is merely being misunderstood and that I just need to learn from the situation and move on. It is my thread, my story, you are not being asked to enjoy it. An if I wanted to tuck this away in my physical journal and chuck it in the dumpster when I have filled all the pages of the book, I would have. But I feel it better to again empty this out here. an not bottle it up

I think it's good that you're expressing your feelings and thoughts about your experiences, especially the more negative ones.  No good comes of bottling it up, imho.  As I read what you wrote, I found myself wishing that I had had an outlet where I felt comfortable sharing about my experiences and thoughts after leaving my former community.  The part of your post that I quoted...I told myself that lie so many times after I left.  Anyway, not trying to derail your thread by talking about myself too much, but I just wanted to say that I'm glad to see that you are sharing and processing your experiences rather than keeping them to yourself and falling into the trap I did for so long.

[Mags]

55 minutes ago, AveMariaPurissima said:

I think it's good that you're expressing your feelings and thoughts about your experiences, especially the more negative ones.  No good comes of bottling it up, imho.  As I read what you wrote, I found myself wishing that I had had an outlet where I felt comfortable sharing about my experiences and thoughts after leaving my former community.  The part of your post that I quoted...I told myself that lie so many times after I left.  Anyway, not trying to derail your thread by talking about myself too much, but I just wanted to say that I'm glad to see that you are sharing and processing your experiences rather than keeping them to yourself and falling into the trap I did for so long.

I would second this AveMariaPurissima.

It is very sad, Superblue, that you felt that your thoughts/opinions were not taken into account, especially as the Rule of St Benedict in Chapter 3 says:  Whenever weighty matters are to be transacted in the monastery, let the Abbot call together the whole community, and make known the matter which is to be considered. Having heard the brethren's views, let him weigh the matter with himself and do what he thinketh best. It is for this reason, however, we said that all should be called for counsel, because the Lord often revealeth to the younger what is best.  

It is very good that you are able to write about your issues in a safe place, hopefully this will enable you to process all of what happened and move forward with your life. Take care . 

[superblue]

Thanks all, that is all I really want is to just have a safe place to let it all out, I do hope people see that I am not trying to be vindictive , as I have not named names and won't.

An what I saw with  that part of The Rule, is as a postulant, or even a Novice / a temporarily professed, ones opinions at least what I was seeing and feeling and going through, were not to be brought up [ and I kind of see that really speaking towards matters that involve a matter that will have an impact on the community and it does mention it starts with the Abbot, and also ends with the Abbots decision; which is another thing to consider, leadership is chosen in house , with in the ranks, voted on and sometimes there is literally slim pickings rules have to be followed and there is a time limit for even the best of leadership, but then again the saying of ya don't get what ya want, ya get what ya need.]. As everyone wanted their space, and or did not have time to just talk with you when you needed it because they had their allotted jobs to take care of...  An I guess this negative stuff I went through,,, is really small potatoes, to the more troublesome issues I did see, and actually did mention to one brother, but he was more of a goof ball friend than anything and it never became a serious discussion...  I think I am more frustrated even jealous seeing how good and loving some of the womens' communities are , at least what I have seen posted on here. I did not experience that. I did though have a good and healthy start to a prayer routine which I was looking for, but I noticed it would be interrupted either by the outside community or with in. I really wish I could have turned back the clock and been like hang on , I need to consider some things, and reevaluate what I am looking for.  Though another thing I did notice even on the good days, I was not detached from home. I was getting into a good habit of calling home maybe twice a week, and really my days were becoming focused on looking forward to those two times outa the week to call home, and then feeling sad after hearing how my nephew was just shining away like the great kid he is turning into and missing out on that ,and knowing that my family couldn't visit me due to health and other reasons, not that it would have made things easier....I do appreciate that I was given a chance, and that I didn't leave on a bad foot, I really wanted to dump all this out in one heap on em and be like peace out, but my family helped me regain my footing and leave on a good note.....  I do see that I am in need of a safe and very quiet place where I can just pray, with out the distractions that come from praying in a congregation, or even praying with a community.. It is sad that I don't feel a great connection anymore at mass at least not one of joy, I feel more helpless and desperate than I do feel as if I am apart of a spiritual community even though I have made connections with plenty people in my parish.... An praying in a religious community , comes with a lot of distractions as well that many do not consider going in.

It all looks beautiful, and  very much of it is, until it isn't anymore. The elderly have a hard time ( at least where  I was ) bathing, some not bathing at all, due to their physical problems, some only once a week, some over do it on the mouth wash, some have gas attacks and ya know instantly when one happens because one either hears it, or sees the others trying not to laugh, which even though it is still funny,  you would think we wouldn't be acting like 5 yr olds at the cost of possibly embarrassing the poor man who cant control it any more. An the difference from praying with a religious community and in a congregation at church,, at church you can get up and move any time ya feel like, for any reason, ya might get eyeballed at the worst but there isn't a meeting afterwards as to why you got up an moved. In a religious community, you have an assigned place, like it or not, and whom ever you are around you are stuck there with for better or worse, smell or no smell, noise and fidgeting or not.

The atmosphere of teaching wasn't so much of what the rule suggested or was to be , to help those coming up in the ranks to better themselves. This was an atmosphere of, we are physically older than you and we have been living and doing things this way for this long, we are not going to debate if we are even doing anything  wrong because we have done it this way for so long and we are too old to have any change in our lives at this point. So you can either join in and serve us until we pass away and we will love you for being our servant and nothing more.

Though nothing is stopping me anymore in life, all I need to do is get a financial plan and implement the things I want to do with my life to help others the way I see my self being able to do so with the best of my abilities, create my own or find my own silent place to pray, and be thankful that I have a great parish to be apart of. An call it a day. an let all these other marks I have been bitten with go to the wayside.